Okay, this story is definitely a cross between my other two stories The Baser Urge Manifestation and the defunct Magnitude of Gravity. So expect smut and the dark themes of the latter story.

Disclaimer: Sheldon is dark and slightly OOC here for a reason that will be revealed somewhere down the road. Also, the only thing I own is the story and the stories I ripped off. Ha. Oh, and eventual smut—we'll get there, I promise.

equivalence principle (noun) - a basic postulate of general relativity, stating that at any point of space-time the effects of a gravitational field cannot be experimentally distinguished from those due to an accelerated frame of reference.

Penny often wondered how exactly she got into this position. Because really, this was far from what she wanted to do.

All she wanted was to be an actress; whether it be on television or in a play or in a movie—she didn't care as long as she got to act. She didn't want to grow up in a farm, tipping cows or harvesting corn, or marrying some idiot guy that knocked her up. She wanted to make it big in the city, be famous for her looks or her acting, be the new Audrey Hepburn or something and you know, be famous. It was her big dream, that made her move from Nebraska all the way to California—

… To be the secretary of—who may be—the craziest man-slash-tycoon on the face of the planet.

Cause really, how hard was it to indicate the fact that an 'audition' was actually a lousy (well, not that lousy) job interview. So yeah, what she thought was an audition for a one line extra or something was actually a secretary hunt thing and the odd director—who she flipped off later on—was apparently the 'big boss' of a really big pharmaceutical company.

So, instead of delivering lines with great finesse, she had to answer some of the weirdest questions on the planet (what the hell was a romulan?) and discovered that she had patience of steel. It took a good fifty-two minutes before she had had enough of the whacko questions and flipped the damn interviewer, and the silent man beside him. Once she had calmed herself, the three men talked to each other, and told her that she got the job. Apparently, anyone who could at least last thirty minutes with the man got the job.

Now, she was working for the great, almighty Dr. Cooper—who wasn't really a real doctor, he just had a stupid doctorate. He was the epitome of annoying, irritating, condescending, narcissistic and arrogant all rolled up in one, gigantic ass of a man. Not only was he the poster boy of annoying, he was also the shittiest boss in the world who acted as if she was a rock that moved.

She could tell that her boss loathed her, and well, the feelings were mutual. Had it not been for the big ass paycheck she got (with all the awesome benefits) she would've quit. From the first day that she was hired. He was that bad, and there wasn't a day that she didn't want to get a gun and shoot him in the face.

Which was probably why his little posse practically cried when the timer buzzed and she was still there. According to one of them, Mr. Cooper's (she ignored the Dr. to piss him off) last secretary Bailey had lasted a month before quitting. They tried to get her to stay, but she swore that she'd kill herself first before working for him again. That should've been her first sign to quit.

The second should've been when he opened his damn mouth to insult her for believing in astrology. Instead, she just flipped him off, and that was when the two men started clapping and drew up her shiny new contract that allowed her a monthly shopping spree. Shoes over everything. That's the stupid motto that got her this position in this damn company. Oh the irony.

Nearly a year later, nothing much has changed; she still hated him and knew zilch about him. Well, that was wrong, as she kind of knew some facts about him. He had a strict routine that he followed, and she was often dragged along with it. Like fetching his barbecue bacon cheeseburger from Big Boy's on Tuesday nights, pretending that his Casual Friday superhero shirts weren't tacky and the she understood his weird whiteboards about strings.

Bernadette, the head microbiologist of the company, once said something about Sheldon actually molding himself to be some kind of scientist but she really didn't listen much. Bernadette was usually her source for information (gossip) about her boss whenever they had lunch and quickly became her best friend.

The microbiologist had been in the company for about four years now and was one of the few (three) people that her boss considered as friends, so she knew a lot about him, including info about his family that he'd never tell her about. She was the one who told her of how—according to legend—the reason why her boss got the company because the real owner (who was her boss' dad's boss) had no kids, saw her boss' potential and molded him to run the company.

There were also rumors that the real owner was actually his dad (which was impossible as the photo of the deceased Cooper looked just like her boss) and other rumors that she wasn't interested. Plus, according to Bernadette, he had siblings back in Texas that he was estranged to; Junior and Melissa who he both hated.

She wasn't too surprised at that. Halfway through her second month at the company, a package came from one George Cooper (she was right that he was a relative) from Texas and he just threw it away. Without even looking at it. Ignoring him, she took the package back to her desk and opened it to see a picture of a baby accompanied by a note she didn't read. Said letter was in her desk just in case he ever looked for it. He still hasn't,

Two people he did care about, though, was his grandmother and his mother. At the end of each week, he'd tell her to mail letters and packages for him. He always sent his grandmother a letter on how he was and his mother something he told her to buy. He often spoke well about the two women; nothing less than love and affection for both, and some snide comments about his mother whenever she called up on him.

Those two people were the ones who disproved the theory between the employees of her boss being a robot, which she totally thought was true after actually spending a day with the guy. He had two commonly used facial expressions; the bored, uncaring, why-do-you-even-think-I-care look, and the arrogant, condescending, slightly judgmental you're-so-dumb-and-I'm-so-smart-why-are-you-even-breathing-when-you're-so-worthless look he gave everyone. Especially her.

The other day, her boss was in such a good mood that he actually asked her how her weekend was.

"And how was your weekend, Penelope?" It had shocked her that it wasn't his usual I'm-the-boss-so-why-am-I-always-coming-in-earlier-than-you tone that he gave her the second he sees her at her desk. It was kind, friendly and seemed a bit happy.

She had been so glad that she almost hugged him. She thought that it was finally the day that he respected, and so she took the opportunity to engage in the banal chit chat that he hated. "Well, I went to the movies with my friends, then we went to a bar! It was pretty fun and they even gave a big discount on all of our drinks."

Her boss had stared at her with judgement as she continued on how her friend got so drunk that she got into a fight. Once she was finished, he frowned, the previous kindness getting thrown out of the window, and slammed a bonded stack of papers on her desk. "You compiled the bi-monthly company reports in the wrong way. Repeat it in the order I taught you, and make sure to submit it to me by lunchtime."

He shook her head at her, and she just wished she could flip him off again like she did during her interview. "I honestly do not understand why you fail at such menial tasks." Then he disappeared into his office, and she made sure that his burger would have extra hidden spit in it. Lots of it. It had been too good to be true.

Now that she thought about it, she really was an actress. Her current role; pretending that she liked and respected her boss. The problem was, he just wasn't giving her a good enough reason to like him. Cause really, all she needed was—

"—Penny, snap out of it." A familiar voice demanded, causing her to startle in her chair and minimize the window for that new dating website at the same time. "What is that?"

She raised an eyebrow at him then glanced at her browser—which, was still on the damn dating website. Crap. There goes her no 'what-you're-doing-is-wrong/inappropriate' lecture from the boss day. "Uh… a website?"

His scowl deepened and she could tell that she was in for a good scolding. "During office hours? While I ordered you to do the sales report for the international market?"

She gave him her usual reaction to his little rants; a smile that just screamed 'I'm sorry.' "Uh… if I admit that I'm slacking off, will you cut the lecture and get to the point?"

There was a moment of silence—consideration, she hoped—before he tilted his head to the side and slammed a stack of folders on her desk. His mouth eerily stretched into what would be considered as a smile that can only be seen on a serial killer's face. "And allow you to continue slacking off? I don't think so. Here are the reports I want you to look through."

"Great, more work. I love work," she sarcastically said, taking the set of folders and adding it to her already tall 'to do' bin. She stared at the ever growing stack then glanced up at her boss. "Anything else, boss?"

He blinked down at her, looking like he had something to tell/ask her but was hesitating to. Damn right, you should hesitate, she hissed in her mind, you and all of the work I'm not supposed to do are the reason why I have to resort to going on dating websites. He looked around the floor—everyone was busy as usual—before moving closer to her desk. "I need some advice."

What? "Advice on what? Fashion? Local hotspots?" He still looked hesitant. "Fishing?"

Another beat of awkward silence passed between them before he sighed. "Advice on dating."

Had she been drinking something, she probably would've spit it all over him. "Holy crap on a cracker, did you just say that you were going on a date? No—you have a deal?"

"I'm going to ignore that and spare you the lecture," he grumbled as he narrowed his eyes at her, looking like an angry dog ready to bite. "But yes, I am going on a date. Advice? Now?"

Who would have thought that her human hating, anti-love boss would ever go on a date? Bernadette was going to love this! "Wait, I thought that you consider things like that to be beneath you cause you like, just don't have a deal?"

His scowl deepened and she swore that it was becoming permanent. Poor guy. Or not. He was an ass. "It is beneath me… but, I owe Raj a favor and this is me doing said favor. Now that that's done, advice? Tips? I don't have all day."

Even at times when he was the one who needed something, he still had the audacity to be demanding. God, if she could just give him a taste of junior rodeo… she'd probably be thrown in jail for assault. Oh well. She could still dream. "Hey, if you just told me earlier, I could've given you a whole class. Don't blame me, boss."

"If you just check my schedule for once, you'd see that I have notified you two days ago." He gestured to her phone that sat beside he keyboard and snorted. "Go on. See for yourself."

She glared at him then checked his schedule on her phone—and crap, he was right. He did notify her. Again, oh well. "Sorry bout that, boss. That won't happen again!"

He sent her a look of contempt then crossed his arms, "remind me again why I pay you. Now, give me the advice and make it quick. I have to meet Raj's friend in half an hour."

It just dawned to her that even her socially retarded asshole boss had a date and she didn't. Whoa. Maybe this was one of those parallel worlds that he always blabbed about. She really needed a date or two. Her boss was really wearing her down. "Well, practically just let her talk about herself. You talk about yourself too much. Oh, and compliment her on how she looks. That's practically the basics aside from you paying."

"Hmm… that doesn't sound too hard," he stated with a small shrug. He must really have been thinking about this date. Who'da think. "Well, I'm off. Make sure that you finish all of the paperwork that you've been ignoring." He glanced at the bin filled with folders and papers then back at her. "I expect all of those to be on my desk first thing tomorrow as we have several meetings to prepare for."

He gave her some kind of strangled look before heading off to the elevators and not a single thank you was said. Nor was there a 'since I'm leaving early, you can go home now' exchange that occurred, just when she thought that a date meant her getting to go home early. Cause why can't two inevitable things happen at the same time, right?

Oh, what an absolute joy it was to work for Sheldon Cooper!

Note the sarcasm.

Hours later, after everyone had gone home, Penny found herself bored out of her mind; glaring at the stupid paperwork and wishing that some magical being would arrive to do it for her.

Cause really, she was a good looking twenty-four year old that could get any man she wanted with a snap of her fingers! She shouldn't be stuck in a big office doing paperwork. If things had just gone as planned, she would've been married to some, old, rich guy who bought her everything by now!

She wasn't a bad person, what did she even do to deserve this? Kay. So she stole a couple of boyfriends back in high school, but that doesn't count! She was still a kid then (so what if kids aren't supposed to do that?) and only did it to spite those annoying girls who thought that they were all that—but that wasn't the point!

The point was—and this really was an important matter—why the heck was she single and stuck with the boss worse than death?! It had dawned to her that not only was she overworked (she really was, no matter how much her boss disagreed) she was also very sexually frustrated. Her last date was the night before she started working here.

"I really need to get laid," she muttered before seeing her boss' shiny nameplate that was placed on the wall behind her. "This is all your fault. If you weren't such an ass and allowed me to go home early, I might have been on a date by now!"

The nameplate stared back at her.

"Great," she sighed, undoing her tied hair and leaning on her palm. "Now I've gone insane. This job is just getting better and better. Not only do I get to work overtime, but i also get a whole deserted floor all to myself!" She (faux) enthusiastically bolted from her chair and scanned the floor. "Literally zero people!"

Seriously, there was no one left other than the security guards in the lobby and the cleaning staff in the entire building. Oh, and her. Because unlike everyone else in this company, she had to do every single thing he told her to do. Even if it meant staying at a creepy dimly lit floor all by herself. If only she could do something to get back at him—

She slowly turned her body to face the enclosed office behind her as a mischievous idea popped into her devious mind. She had an idea on how to kill two birds with one stone; resolving her issue with her 'frustration' and playing an evil prank on her jerk of a boss. It was brilliant! Regardless of the fact that he could never know of what she did.

Penny glanced around to make sure that there really was no one on the floor (better safe than sorry) before she slowly backed up towards her boss' office and opened the door. There were no security cameras there—proven when Sheldon said "I may not have eyes in this room, but I can sense if you were snooping around"—and if what he was saying was true, then ha! Trick or treat, jerk.

She closed the door behind her and immediately saw the fancy giant leather desk chair that he loved more than anything. Smirking, she rounded the table and plopped down on the chair—which was so comfortable—to begin her evil plan. Well, it was exactly evil, but it was to her, considering her boss' blatant germaphobia.

"Well boss," she said to pretty much nothing—narcissistic ol' Sheldon apparently wasn't narcissistic enough to have photos of himself in his office that she could flip off—as she propped a leg on his desk and moving her crisp pencil skirt up. "Fuck you."

And so, she started working on her 'diabolical' plan.

"—dude, you shouldn't have left her alone! What if she gets mad?"

Who cares if that unpleasant woman gets mad? I have no plans of ever seeing her again, Sheldon thought as Raj babbled through his phone while he marched through the building lobby. "That obviously does not concern me. You said she was sane."

"Sheldon, anyone would get mad if you say that the eat like someone who hasn't had anything to eat in years!" Raj boomed, causing him to pull his phone away from his ear. This was the problem with him agreeing to the foolish dates that Raj continuously sets up for him. Nearly all of them were crazy, and he knew crazy. His mother had him tested.

He strongly regretted asking Raj for that stupid favor of getting information in exchange for him going on a date with someone he knew. He had never really understood the man's dedication to getting him to go on a date, but it there was an award for that, Raj would've won it. He would also win the award for worst match maker in the world.

Like with his date tonight who clearly had no table manners whatsoever. Was it really wrong of him to politely point out that she was eating like a barbarian and that barbecue sauce was not a substitute for lipstick? No, that was just him being concerned about the welfare of others that everyone always misunderstands!

Then that vile woman just upped, yelled that he looked like a bug and left. But not before marching back, grabbing the closest glass of water (thank his mother's god he didn't order any drinks yet) and pouring it on his itchy, uncomfortable dress pants that Raj forced him to wear. Now he was angry and wet. Not a good combination.

He pressed the button for his floor. "But that wouldn't have happened if she had just ate like how a normal person should. Why do you keep on making me meet women who are just absolutely incorrigible? I asked for a favor, I didn't do a crime. This worse than going to jail."

"Are you just saying that because of your little ego?"

Why was he still even talking to him? This conversation was going absolutely nowhere and he had a pair of dry pants in his office that was calling his name. That, and he figured that helping his slacker secretary with the paperwork she never did would actually accomplish something compared to going on a foolish date. "Raj, if this was about my little ego, I wouldn't even have appeared. I have to go help Penny, have a good night."

"Wait—" aaaand end call. He was sure that this conversation would continue once they play paintball tomorrow. There really was no use of talking about it as Raj probably already had another woman for him to go on a date on—as if his life wasn't busy enough. He had a lot more important things to do.

… Like making sure that his secretary actually did her work.

Sheldon jumped slightly when the elevator dinged and opened it's doors for him. He'd have to get Wolowitz to make the darn elevators to announce the floor in a quieter, less heart attack causing way. He absolutely could not afford to die from a heart attack just because a robot voice surprised him.

He was about to wonder why the blonde wasn't at her post when his hearing picked up a certain… sound.

"O-hh god!"

Curiosity getting the best of him, he slowly approached his office; his eyes wide and his pulse racing as the moans grew louder and louder. He was no fool—unlike the others—he knew what that sound meant. He understood the scenarios in which they were elicited and had experienced them first hand, much to some people's assumptions.

Sheldon also knew whose voice that was—how couldn't he? he saw her nearly every day of the week—and swore that if she wasn't in extreme physical pain and had somehow brought a random, suspicious stranger into his office (she was already getting a strike for even being in his office longer than required) for reason he really did not care about, she was going to finally discover what it meant for him to be angry.

Taking a deep breath, he sidled up to his door and noticed that it was opened slightly; hoping that she had just decided to use the tv in his office for some kind of exercise that he would never have allowed her to do. Because really, he had thought that she would just be slacking off like usual or snooping around in his office while he was gone.

But she wasn't.

Maybe she really was just slacking off (if this was what she defined as 'slacking off') but that obviously wasn't what she was doing. His eyes immediately settled on one of her legs that was on his desk then to the other one that was propped against the edge of the wood; the dirty sole of her shoe probably scratching the surface as she writhed against her hand that the desk blocked from his sight.

He couldn't move nor breathe as his brain finally processed what was happening in front of him. He took in her disheveled appearance (hair wild, formerly crisp navy blue blouse opened to reveal her dark bra) before his eyes shifted upwards to see Penny's head thrown back against the chair, squirming—in the very seat that he sat on as he worked—gasping as she continued pleasuring herself.

He stepped back from his office, swallowed the lump that formed in his throat and tried to calm himself down. "Fascinating…" he breathlessly whispered as the sound of Penny's moans filled his office. He glanced at the door one last time and sent it a smirk before making his way towards the elevator. He had hundreds of pants at home.

As the elevator door closed, his mind became filled with thoughts about his sassy little secretary who suddenly became a lot more interesting.