The Fellowship of the Ring
GALADRIEL: There's this ring. If you wear it, you'll have involuntary spasms. Plus you'll become invisible. Well that's pretty cool, but anyway- don't wear the ring.
FRODO: Gali! Tell me about Sauron!
GALADRIEL: If you ever call me Gali again I will personally toast your entrails and drink it for my afternoon tea.
FRODO: Dang, Gal, you're sooo sexy!
GALADRIEL: sighs Anyway, Sauron died while trying to keep the ring. Except he's not really dead. Get it? Too bad. Then this thing and a hobbit got it, and they both had more spasms than you'll ever see in your life.
HARRY: My precious!
FRODO: GET OUT OF MY MOVIE YOU TOE WART! YOU HAVE YOUR OWN MOVIE TO STAR IN!
HARRY: whines But MY movie sucks!
GALADRIEL: Can we finish this stupid intro?
FRODO: Hon, you're MY precious!
GALADRIEL: The REAL toe wart here got the ring. Now he must destroy it, only with his trusty boyfriend and insignificant others by his side.
SAM: I'M NOT GAY!
RON: So THIS is how you break up with me! Well FINE! I don't need you!
FRODO: throws arms around Gandalf GANDALF!
VILLAGER: smirks
FRODO: I'M NOT GAY!
GANDALF: Let it go, Frodo. Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure.
FRODO: Wtf?
MERRY: FIRE!!
PIPPIN: exploding stuff
GANDALF: Y'all are pyromaniacs. Watch this: WHOO!! makes a dragon
SAM: I love you.
GANDALF: Go back to your boyfriend, hobbit. Now I'm going to that psycho hobbits house for some tea.
FRODO: Bilbo's? HE'S GAY!
BILBO: from the house I'm not gay! But my boyfriend is.
GANDALF: Bilbo, you gotta let go of the ring.
BILBO: IT'S MINE! ALL MINE!
GANDALF: All right, if you keep the ring, Sauron will hunt you down and physically claw you to get it for himself.
BILBO: Is he hott?
GANDALF: I'm going to make Frodo take it to Mordor along with his little boyfriend.
SAM: I'M NOT GAY!
GANDALF: You idiot, you were there the whole time?
SAM: Well… me and Frodo had a fight. I was-
GANDALF: Yeah, yeah. You ready to go?
SAM: Lemme bring Merry and Pippin along too.
GANDALF: Fine, make it a foursome, see if I care!
FRODO: Come on, Sam, go and ask Rosie for a dance!
SAM: But Frodo, I wanna dance with you!
FRODO: I'M NOT GAY!
BILBO: And then I slayed the- the- yawns big scary dra-dra-gon… snores
VILLAGER: Oh, shut it, you old coot.
PIPPIN: No, Merry, the big one!
SAM: I'm not even gonna ask.
PIPPIN: Stick it in the ground!
MERRY: I'm pushing it as hard as I can!
FRODO: Come on. We're leaving.
MERRY: Ooh yeah!
SAM: turns away from Merry I'm with you.
BILBO: Now I must go far, far away. No one knows where I'm going. puts on ring and disappears
VILLAGERS: silence Yessssssss!
BILBO: disappears into house smiling at his cleverness
GANDALF: Give me the frickin ring!
BILBO: All right, all right. mutters If I didn't know any better I'd say he was pmsing…
GANDALF: Bilbo, if you don't give me the ring I'm afraid I'll never see you again.
BILBO: grumbles All right then, you old geyser. leaves
FRODO: bounds inside He's gone, hasn't he?
GANDALF: Yes, my boy.
FRODO&GANDALF: Yesssssssss!
GANDALF: Frodo, I want you to have this ring.
FRODO: Gandalf… this is rather sudden…
GANDALF: Just take the effing ring. I will be back soon.
FRODO: And I will be counting every minute!
HOBBITS: get drunk and dance on tables
GANDALF: far far away That stupid old villager. Like I'd ever fall for a hobbit! If it was everyone it would be like, Saruman or Legolas or someone.
FRODO: All right, I'm gonna call it a night.
SAM: FRODO! Don't do it! sways in drunkeness
FRODO: leaves
GANDALF: Is it secret? Is it safe?
FRODO: The engagement ring?
GANDALF: YES! I mean… NO! DO U HAVE THE FRICKIN RING?
FRODO: Yup! hands to Gandalf
GANDALF: throws into fire
FRODO: All right, fine! starts crying
GANDALF: takes ring back out of fire Now Frodo… I want your little foursome to get your little hobbit asses down to Mordor and destroy this ring. It is not our engagement ring. It's something that's going to kill us all if we don't destroy it.
FRODO: I'll do it, Gandie!
GANDALF: Oh yeah. And Sauron has returned. So if you die, make sure the ring is with one of your other gay friends or something, okay? hears noise
SAM: Am I coming too?
GANDALF: Dang, Sammie, you suck at eavesdropping.
SAM: YESSSSSSS! Me and Frodo, together forever!
FRODO: I love you.
MERRY&PIPPIN:
on the phone If
you want some, come get some, cuz where I'm from we tote big guns,
And everybody know somebody that know somebody that know somethin
bout it,
And I want answers now who, what, where, when and why.
GANDALF: I'll never understand teenagers.
SAM: traveling with Frodo I'm going to be the farthest away from home than I've ever been!
FRODO: We're in front of Merry and Pippin's. They live, what, one mile away?
SAM: bawling
MERRY: FRODO!
PIPPIN: SAM!
FRODO: MERRY!
SAM: PIPPIN!
SAURON: RING!
FRODO: MINE!
GOLLUM: PRECIOUS!
SAM: MOMMY!
GOLLUM: NO!
GANDALF: SARUMAN!
SARUMAN: GANDALF!
GANDALF: BOYFRIEND!
SARUMAN: EX!
SAM: MOMMY?
SAURON: NO!
SARUMAN: CRYSTAL BALL!
GANDALF: NOOOO!
SARUMAN: ME EVIL!
GANDALF: NOOOO!
SARUMAN: I KEEL YOU!
GANDALF: OKAY!
SARUMAN: I KEELED YOU!
GANDALF: OKAY!
SAM: FRODO! I thought I lost you…
FRODO: Sorry Sam. I was just over there.
MERRY: MUSHROOMS!
PIPPIN: SCARY BLACK RIDER!
BLACK RIDER: Yo man, why all the racism? I call you white trash, you call me scary black rider… sings can you practice what you preach, and would you turn the other cheek. Father, father, father, father… sees hobbits looking at him strangely Never mind.
FRODO: The ring is urging me to put it on! almost puts it on
BLACK RIDER: That ain't right, yo!
FRODO: runs
BLACK RIDER: chases
FRODO: jumps on boat
BLACK RIDER: You turd! You wanna fight yo? All right, then bring it!
INNKEEPER: Welcome to the Prancing Pony! Complete with gay pub!
SAM: Thanks!
INNKEEPER: The name's Butterbur. Would you all be staying in one room?
FRODO: Of course.
BUTTERBUR: winks Now, what's your name?
FRODO: spazzes I DON'T KNOW MY NAME! WHY DO YOU CARE? NEXT I'LL BE TELLING YOU ABOUT THE RING! AND I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT! CAUSE THEN EVERYONE WILL DIE! DIE I TELL YOU! DIE! puts on ring and disappears
GUY IN CLOAK: gasp
FRODO: takes ring off and reappears
GUY IN CLOAK: grabs Frodo and takes him to a room
SAM: ONLY I CAN DO THAT! follows with Merry and Pippin, only to get scared by the sight of the Guy in Cloak
GUY IN CLOAK: The name's Strider. I'm one of them Rangers. Blah blah blah, Black Riders coming to get you, blah blah blah, whole bunch of rings, blah blah blah, they're drawn to the ring... blah blah blah…
SAM: randomly I'M NOT GAY!
STRIDER: We're going to Rivendell.
FRODO: What's in Rivendell?
STRIDER: sighs A beautiful woman, biatch.
EVERYONE: sleeps
STRIDER: sings happily
FRODO: smirks
STRIDER: I'M NOT GAY!
HOBBITS: make food
FRODO: acts smart
NAZUL: come
FRODO: puts on ring
NAZUL: What a retard. stabs shoulder
STRIDER: chases away
SAM: SAVE FRODO!
STRIDER: He's gonna be a ringwraith like them 'cause he got stabbed.
EVERYONE: go to Rivendell while Frodo dies
ARWEN: walks in
EVERYONE: gets hypnotized by her hottness
STRIDER: BACK OFF!
ARWEN: takes Frodo and rides off
STRIDER: calls after her THAT IS SO NOT FAIR!
WRAITHS: follow Arwen and almost dead Frodo
ARWEN: crosses river and makes a huge wave
WRAITHS: horses drown and wraiths get carried away
ELROND: Hear my voice. Come back to the light.
FRODO: comes back to the light, sort of
GANDALF: Yo, wassup Frodo?
FRODO: You're supposed to be dead
GANDALF: So are you, biatch.
FRODO: Good point. Why are you talking like that?
GANDALF: Whacha talkin' bout, foo?
FRODO: Never mind.
SAM: runs in FRODO! YOU'RE NOT DEAD!
FRODO: SAM! YOU'RE STILL HERE!
GANDALF: Yo what's da deal? This little white boy be ignorin my return!
MERRY AND PIPPIN: runs in FRODO! Gandalf…. you're supposed to be dead.
GANDALF: raps 2 trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside, round the outside. 2 trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside, round the outside! Guess whos back, back again Shadys back, tell a friend Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back Guess who's back...
STRIDER: Don't even try.
LEGOLAS: You're all white boys yo! Aragorn, tell him how its done.
MERRY: Who's Aragorn?
STRIDER/ARAGORN: Dude, it's me.
PIPPIN: Well then who's the hott elf?
LEGOLAS: Who's the gay hobbit! OO! You just got TOLD!
ARAGORN: Plus Legolas, I'm just a white guy too.
LEGOLAS: DAMN STRAIGHT YO! You ain't no white boy! You rappin' king! Show the old man how its done!
FRODOL: RAP OFF!!!
ARAGORN: I'm a white boy but my neck is red and I still be peein all over da bed and yall know exactly just how it's said. I'm just a little white boy whose neck is red! Yall be treated unfairly cuz you're just plain small, and the ladies all treat you like a bowling ball. You can't be rolled around, it just ain't right, you better come back and get in the fight! REPRESENT!smiles modestly
EVERYONE: claps slowly
ARAGORN: And no quotin' Eminem old man!
GANDALF: Your mom…
LEGOLAS: Come on Gandalf! Show 'em what you got! Remember, the hood's always got your back!
ARAGORN: Whose side are you on?
GANDALF: Yo white boys think I'm a wizard man yo. hears silence I ain't never been on a date since 1988 yo yall think I'm old but I'm in a rush to touch…
ARAGORN: Changed my mind. Can't quote Chingy either.
GANDALF: sighs, then starts rapping Your mom is the only one that would ever look at me 'cause she never even wore a checkered panty and she ain't ever eaten anything to lose weight and all she ever does is fill her plate! And yall out their know what I'm talkin' about, these women like the guys who can all but shout, and yall know how they are, yo, they won't look at me, they won't look at you cuz you're a she! OO!
EVERYONE BUT FRODO: silence
FRODO: sniffs That was BEAUTIFUL! It came from the heart!
MERRY: Aragorn wins.
PIPPIN: But they both sucked!
SAM: Yeah, but Aragorn's hotter.
ARAGORN: plays with sword
BOROMIR: Hey homie!
ARAGORN: Don't touch my future sword.
BOROMIR: cuts himself It's still sharp!
ARAGORN: Duh.
ARWEN: comes up
ARAGORN: pushes Boromir out of the room
ARWEN: Why do you fear the past? You are Isildur's heir, not Isildur himself. You are not bound to his fate.
ARAGORN: I totally did not hear a word you just said.
ARWEN: Then take this Evenstar necklace and make out with me.
ARAGORN: Will do. they make out
GANDALF: raps One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them. One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
ELROND: The ring is evil. Me and my hottie daughter don't want it here.
BOROMIR: Give me the frickin ring. I'll take it.
ARAGORN: You can't take it! No one can control it except Mr. Tall, dark, and handsome.
SAM: Mommy?
ARAGORN: No!
BOROMIR: Then let the elf have it. He's a lot hotter than you!
LEGOLAS: But Aragorn is not just a Ranger! He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn.
EVERYONE: silence
GANDALF: The heir of Isildur.
EVERYONE: silence
GANDALF: Never mind. So, who wants to take the ring to Mordor?
EVERYONE: silence
ARWEN: I will.
GANDALF: No. You're a girl.
ARWEN: Well, excuse me! slaps across face
GANDALF: Anyone else?
ARAGORN: I'll do it. Cause I'm the heir of Isildur!
LEGOLAS: I will too, 'cause I'm hott.
FRODO: I will, if Sam will.
SAM: I will, if Frodo will.
MERRY: I'll do it! Us 4 are like brothers!
PIPPIN: Me too. We're more than that!
GIMLI: I'LL DO IT! sings Anything he can do, I can do better!
BOROMIR: I'll do it too. Cause I'm so much cooler than Aragorn. Plus I have a totally awesome brother. Except me and my daddy hate him.
GANDALF: And I guess I'll have to come too, 'cause I have magical powers.
HARRY: So do I!
FRODO: But you're ugly. Go away. Get back in your own movie.
HARRY: whines But MY movie sucks!
BILBO: Take my sword.
FRODO: Thanks!
BILBO: Take my shirt!
FRODO: Um… thanks! buttons down shirt
BILBO: OMG! HOTNESS! GIMME THE RING!
FRODO: No.
BILBO: cries
EVERYONE: leaves Rivendell
ARWEN: I want you to know, Gandalf, that I hate your guts. And Aragorn, I would hate your guts too, except you're hott.
ARAGORN: I totally didn't hear a word you just said. Wanna make out again?
ARWEN: No. slaps him
EVERYONE: walks
SARUMAN: tries to make mountain fall down on everyone
GANDALF: Oh, fine! Is this any way to treat your ex?
FRODO: We're going to be frozen alive!
SAM: It's okay, Mr. Frodo! I'll keep you warm!
FRODO: Thanks, Sam.
BOROMIR: Oh, gross.
ARAGORN: As if you've never said it.
GIMLI: Let's go through the mines!
LEGOLAS: Like, OMG, NO! Do you know how much this little elf costume cost me?
GANDALF: We're going through the mines.
GANDALF: at the mine entrance It says, speak friend and enter. Wtf?!
FRODO: spazzing YOU HAVE TO SPEAK THE ELVISH WORD FOR FRIEND!
GANDALF: Mellon.
FRODO: As in water? gets grabbed by freaky tentacle while the entrance opens
EVERYONE: tries to save Frodo
FRODO: after getting saved Thanks you guys! I never knew you cared about me so much.
ARAGORN: FYI… the only reason we saved your little hobbit ass was 'cause you've got the ring… L to the OSER, SUCKER!
FRODO: cries
EVERYONE: walks inside the mines
GANDALF: sees Balin BALIN! SPEAK TO ME! Now I want to know why you haven't been returning any of my calls, or e-mails, or those awesome voodoo dolls I sent to you for Christmas?
LEGOLAS: Um… maybe cause he liked the voodoo dolls?
GANDLAF: I doubt it. I made them myself, out of an old hankerchif my screams EX used… starts crying I don't think he liked them. BUT WHY WOULD HE BREAK MY HEART LIKE THIS?
GIMLI: He's dead.
GANDALF: cries
ORCS: come
EVERYONE: fights
ORCS: die
BALROG: comes out
GANDALF: Hello, Mr. Tall, dark, and handsome!
SAM: Mommy?
BALROG: No!
GANDALF: I'm supposed to keel you.
BALROG: Please don't.
GALDALF: I don't want to. You're the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
BALROG: smiles
GANDALF: smiles back
ARAGORN: This is sickening. pushes both into the crack in the earth when no ones looking
FRODO: GANDALF!
GANDALF&BALROG: hold on to each other and fall
ARAGORN: Oh, that's sooo horrible.
GANDALF: from crack Fly, you fools! And Aragorn, look after everyone for me. Keep them warm. Keep them safe. Hold them while they cry… or organize them into groups, so then you can all… voice fades into silence
FRODO: flaps arms in vein
ARAGORN: Now I'm the leader!
EVERYONE ELSE: God can be so cruel sometimes…
outside
MERRY&PIPPIN: hold on to each other and cry
SAM&FRODO: hold on to each other and cry
LEGOLAS&ARAGORN: hold on to each other and cry
GIMLI&BOROMIR: hold on to each other and cry
ARAGORN: Now we have an even number of people to do this!
BOROMIR: Easy for you to say… you're not left hugging an old dwarf with a hairy, bristly beard…
everyone walks
FRODO: Where are we going, Aragorn?
ARAGORN: To another beautiful woman, biatch.
FRODO: Arwen?
ARAGORN: Less beautiful, but still extremely hott.
GALADRIEL: I heard that! she and all other elves notch arrows onto bows
GIMLI: screams like a girl
FRODO: Aren't you my Gali?
GALADRIEL: Um… yeah… but if you ever call me that again I'll fire this stupid arrow.
FRODO: It's okay, I have moved onto much hotter things.
GALADRIEL: That's a relief. Fine, you guys can come to Lothlorien.
FRODO: Is that like Rivendell?
GALADRIEL: WHY AM I ALWAYS COMPARED TO THAT STUPID RIVENDELL SLUT! IS SHE SOO MUCH HOTTER THAN ME? IS HER LITTLE PLACE SOO MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL? IS HER FACE SOO MUCH MORE FLAWLESS THAN MINE? IS HER LITTLE NECKLACE SOO MUCH SHINIER THAN MINE? I DON'T THINK SO!
ARAGORN: I do.
FRODO: And to question one, yes.
GIMLI: Question 2, yes, even though I've never seen your place, but I know it won't be a beautiful as the place I like to call… River, not a well. Rivendell!
GALADRIEL: Everyone calls it that, bastard.
LEGOLAS: Question 3, yes… us elves, me and Arwen, do tend to have flawless faces.
GALADRIEL: I am an elf, you miserable little piece of ass!
ARAGORN: Plus, her necklace is shinier… I have it on right here!
GALADRIEL: While I'm spazzing, I might as well do my other little spaz scene, right? Well, come on Frodo. We'll go to the garden.
GALADRIEL: Look into the birdbath.
FRODO: …okay… looks into birdbath and screams like a girl Those Orcs don't even have their makeup on, yet! takes a second look Actually, they look kind of hotter without all the slime…
GALADRIEL: Anyhow, show me the ring.
FRODO: All right. Actually, you can have It. holds out the ring
GALADRIEL: In place of a dark lord, you would have a queen! Not dark, but beautiful as the dawn! Treacherous as the sea!
FRODO: There is only one woman who is as beautiful as the dawn, and that little slut is NOT YOU! But you do have the treacherous part right. smiles, pleased with himself
GALADRIEL: screams while flapping arms
FRODO: backs away
GALADRIEL: Stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love me, and despair! AND WITH THE RING, I WILL BE HOTTER THAN THAT SLUT! AND EVERYONE WILL WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH ME, NOT HER!
FRODO: That wasn't in the script.
GALADRIEL: Deal with it! flicks him off
random scene at Sarumans place
SARUMAN: Who do you serve?
ORCS: Saruman!
SARUMAN: What do we want?
ORCS: Beer!
SARUMAN: Try again.
ORCS: Your mom!
SARUMAN: NO!
ORCS: The one ring…
ELVES OF LOTHLORIEN: We're going to give you cloaks, and bread.
LEGOLAS: This bread is like, magical.
GIMLI: The cloaks are too, but they're a bit too big. And all these weapons you gave us, they aren't really different from what we had before…
ELVES: Deal with it! all elves flick off the Fellowship
FRODO: Wow, Gali! gets kicked in the balls, but recovers remarkably quickly You gave me a… lantern thingie.
SAM: Better than me… she gave me a rope 'cause she ran out of daggers!
everyone gets in the boat and rows away
GIMLI: She giggled at me. That was her gift. Oh yeah, and a lock of her hair.
ARAGORN: She told me that Arwen was a slut!
LEGOLAS: Everyone knows that.
ARGORN: I know, right? Boromir, you've been quiet… what did she give you?
BOROMIR: A cloak.
ARAGORN: We all got those.
BOROMIR: That little cheapskate bitch!
Fellowship turns back to Lothlorien
ELVES: are still flicking off Fellowship
FELLOWSHIP: flicks off elves
on shore
BOROMIR: Frodo, can we go to a private place?
FRODO: My heart was claimed by another many years ago. I am sorry.
BOROMIR: No, I just want the ring.
FRODO: Oh… I would give it to you, except you're going to die.
BOROMIR: Oh right. In fact, I hear the Orcs coming right now.
FRODO: Me too. I'm going to become invisible and go away.
BOROMIR: You do that. I'm going to get myself killed.
FRODO: All right.
FRODO: had put on the ring, and now takes it off
ARAGORN: Yo, Frodo!
FRODO: STAY AWAY!
ARAGORN: …okay… um… I was just going to tell you that I'm going to protect you.
FRODO: Awww, thanks. Do you want the ring?
ARAGORN: Not really… Hey, is your sword glowing?
FRODO: Yup.
ARAGORN: Then run away.
SAM: lost FRODO! Frodo… don't leave me! Frodo! I NEED you!
MERRY: Hey Frodo!
PIPPIN: We're going to come out into the open in the middle of an Orc battle!
FRODO: You do that… I'm leaving.
BOROMIR: charges in, killing Orcs
MERRY&PIPPIN: Our hero!
BOROMIR: turns to them Gee, thanks! At least someone likes me! Frodo kicked me, and Aragorn told me to get away from his- arrow hits him OW! kills more Orcs until they bag Merry and Pippin and he can't get up anymore
ARAGORN: shows up BOROMIR!
BOROMIR: I'm dying.
ARAGORN: kisses forehead
BOROMIR: Awww… I always knew you liked me. Listen, tell Frodo that I wish I could kick his little hobbit ass for kicking me in the ass after Sam kicked him in the ass before his ass got kicked by Galadriel whose ass got kicked by Arwen before you got your ass kicked by me but then I got my ass kicked by Legolas, but I can't cause I'm going to be dead.
ARAGORN: …I'll… do… that…
BOROMIR: And tell my brother… that I know he is hotter than me, and I'm sorry father liked me better.
ARAGORN: Who the hell is your brother?
BOROMIR: Faramir. He'll come in in like the 2nd movie, I think. Also, tell Gandalf that Saruman and him are never going to get back together, because Saruman is pure evil.
ARAGORN: … but Gandalf's dead…
BOROMIR: Not really. dies
SAM: Hey Frodo! Is that you on the boat?
FRODO: Yeah, but shh… go back to the others.
SAM: No, I wanna come with you! almost drowns
FRODO: Awww, it's cute how you're so stupid. I'd love it if you came with me.
SAM: I wanna be with you for this!
FRODO: Thanks. Now let's go, it's the end of the movie.
SAM: No, wait. We have to stand up on a hill.
FRODO&SAM: stand up on a hill
FRODO: It's beautiful.
SAM: I'm glad to share this moment full of dread and danger with you, Frodo.
FRODO: Awww, thanks.