Mistrust

A/N: This fic was written for a prompt war with the theme "Worst Pairing(s)". So obviously it's not meant to be very serious. (The pairing used in this story will become evident soon enough, so I won't spoil it for you yet.) Please enjoy, and try to accept my minor obsession with the 16th President of the US of A. You'll see what I mean.

Spoilers: If you've gotten to Tethe'alla, you should be good. Although if you haven't beaten the game, you really shouldn't be reading ToS fanfiction.

Prompts: kilt, cremation, Girl Scout cookies, wireless

Words I'm not allowed to use: sex, bedroom

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"Well then, I guess you won't mind me taking data from the Angelus Project!"

After Rodyle's voice faded, all was still and silent in the central control room of the Asgard Human Ranch.

Then Kvar's hand twitched. Having somehow survived getting stabbed four times, he hissed weakly, and his hand twitched again, this time brushing a Life Bottle Colette had dropped in the hope that he would find it. He had 1 HP left; just enough strength to pull the bottle to his mouth and swallow the contents.

A few seconds later (the time shown floating in the upper-left side of the scene and taking an annoyingly long time to elapse), Kvar jumped to his feet, health fully restored. "Score!" Then he laughed, evilly. "So, you think you've defeated me! Well, I'll show you. I'll show you all that I will triumph, and she and I will never be parted again! I will prove this beyond all doubt! Let it be known," he declared to the heavens, "that Kvar, yes, Kvar will always—"

A calm, computerized voice over the intercom interrupted him.

"Self-destruct in three… two…

… one."

--

"—llo? Hello? Colette!"

Colette blinked in the glare of the Tethe'allan sun, suddenly aware that Lloyd had been waving at her for the last two minutes. She sighed, regretting having been drawn out of her daydream. It had been quite a nice daydream, involving a certain pair of amazingly squinty eyes.

"Colette? Are you okay?" Lloyd's eyes, brown and unfortunately rather wide, peered at her anxiously.

"Oh! Oh, yes, I'm fine," Colette assured him with a smile. "Sorry for worrying you. I'm fine."

Lloyd didn't look particularly reassured, but he nodded, and turned to talk to Genis. Colette leaned back against a convenient tree and soon found herself deep in thought once more (an unusual and extremely impressive feat for her). I wonder if he got out before it blew up? I hope so. She thought again of his squinty eyes, his thin silver hair, his… his flippy shoulder-things. And his ears! They were just so… pointy!

"Colette!"

The girl gasped and spun around in time to see a certain Desian stagger from the trees at the foot of the Fooji Mountains. "Kvar-kun!" she squealed, and Lloyd, Genis, and Raine drew their weapons. Sheena and Zelos, upon seeing the reactions of the others, drew theirs as well.

"Kvar!" Lloyd hissed. "How are you still alive!"

The Grand-Cardinal gave an evil laugh, resting a hand on his hip. "You doubt the strength of the great Kvar?"

"B-but I stabbed you! And Kratos stabbed you!" Lloyd stammered. "And… and then he stabbed you again! And then we blew up the ranch!"

Kvar merely smirked, not willing to tell the story of how he escaped the ranch (it involved fifteen Apple Gels, a tree, and five subordinate Desians, all of whom died.) "All that matters is that I'm here now!" he cackled.

"I will never let you take Colette!" Lloyd snarled, raising his sword.

Kvar blinked. Huh. That Lloyd's a lot quicker than I gave him credit for.

Then he raised his hand, allowing mana to collect in his palm as battle music began to sound in the background. "Very well then," he said. "This time, I won't be defeated so easily!"

Lloyd and the others rushed forward as the scene shattered into dozens of pieces...

"No!" Colette shouted angstily, throwing herself in front of Kvar.

The scene paused, and the pieces reassembled themselves.

"Um. What?" Lloyd said slowly, staring at her.

"Colette, I think you want to be facing the other way," Genis suggested. "Y'know, stop him from killing us, instead of the other way around."

Colette shook her head resolutely. "No!"

Kvar beamed. For an inferior being, she was really quite… for lack of a better word, superior. Then again, this wasn't just any inferior being: this was Colette, Chosen of Mana, the one Kvar had secretly devoted his love to from the moment he saw her. One glimpse of her flowing golden locks, impossibly large blue eyes and delightfully innocent smile was enough to send him reeling. And when their eyes met, both knew without a doubt that they could have no other.

Still smiling, Kvar recalled that day, when her friends had almost… oh, that's right. They'd tried to kill him, hadn't they? Jerks.

"Please let him come with us!" Colette was pleading as he tuned back in to what was going on. "Pretty pretty please?"

"Colette!" Genis exclaimed, sounding betrayed. "He wants to kill us!"

"Oh no," she protested, shaking her head, turning slightly and smiling at the Desian. "Kvar-kun would never do that!"

"But look," Raine pointed out, "those electric things are still floating around. He'll just zap us when our backs are turned!"

"Oh, aren't they just amazing!" Colette gushed, having only heard the first part. "They're so powerful! And they're, like, wireless!"

"Well, at the very least," Zelos sighed, "that outfit of his is so tacky. And what's with the half-skirt-thing? It's like a kilt… only not. Maybe worse."

"I think it's perfect," Colette said dreamily. "So… he's coming with us, right?"

"B-but… but he… he's responsible for killing my mom!" Lloyd shouted, with more than angst than was strictly necessary. Or maybe not.

Colette directed a somewhat condescending smile at Lloyd, who melted, as always, under her gaze. "Oh, I'm sure that was just a misunderstanding," she said cheerfully. "Right?"

The rest of the party exchanged hesitant glances, but it was obvious they'd been won over by the sheer Colette-ness that was directed at them in full.

Kvar nodded, satisfied. He'd never once doubted her. She was his Chosen, after all.

--

They spent the night in Meltokio after spending a frustrating few hours pushing blocks around in the sewers in an attempt to get in. They also encountered a certain blue-haired man wearing a suspicious white man-bra, but that's not important.

Kvar wanted to share a room with Colette, but the others fervently rejected this idea. Of course, that wasn't a real barrier: it wasn't very hard to find out where her room was. The problem, Kvar thought, would be getting her consent.

That evening, he realized that that wasn't the problem at all.

The problem was getting her to understand what he wanted them to do.

"Colette, dear," he repeated impatiently, "you know. You and me… alone… at night…?"

She blinked up at him. "Uh-huh."

"Aaaand…?" Kvar continued helpfully. "Oh, come on, you're 16!"

"What does my age have to do with it?" she asked innocently. "Ooh, it's not illegal, is it?" She giggled.

Kvar had to think about this one. Well, he was 635 years old and she was 16. He supposed that counted as pedophilia. Oh, well. Desians didn't follow rules. Desians made the rules.

"Colette," he said, exasperated, "you have to know what I mean. What do they teach you in Iselia?"

"Huh." She frowned. "I'm not sure. Mostly we just learn the story of Mithos the Hero. And our times tables." Her smile returned as she leaned closer. "So, what is it you wanted to do? Sneak out and go look at the moon? I like looking at the moon. Ooh, I wonder if Tethe'alla has the same moon as Sylvarant? That's a good idea, Kvar-kun!"

"No!" Kvar shouted, exasperated. "I don't want to look at the moon! I WANT TO HAVE—"

The door to Colette's room swung open. "Hey, Colette!"

She spun around and beamed at Lloyd, who'd just entered the room, Genis tagging along behind him. "Oh, hi! We're going to go look at the moon! Wanna come?"

Lloyd suddenly noticed Kvar's presence. "Hey! You're not supposed to be in here!" he growled angrily.

Genis, in an attempt to dissuade the fight that he sensed on the horizon, whipped out a freshly made batch of oatmeal raisin cookies. (They were also shaped like a profile of Abraham Lincoln, but no one noticed. Genis bought the cookie-cutter at Marble's because he thought it looked cool.) "Here, Colette!" he said quickly. "I made you some cookies!"

She gasped gleefully. "Oh, thank you so much!" And proceeded to eat them. (Yes, all of them. When you don't eat for several weeks on account of Angel Toxicosis, your appetite takes a long time to recover.)

Lloyd elbowed his way past Genis, annoyed at being outdone. "Hey, I made you cookies too!" he said, pulling out a small red box.

"Oh, thank you too, Lloyd!" She immediately pulled three out of the box and ate them. "Wow, Lloyd, these are really really good!"

There was a pause.

"Lloyd," Genis said finally, "those are Girl Scout cookies."

Lloyd blanched. "N-no they're not."

"Yes they are. It says so right here on the box, see?" Genis pointed. "Peanut Butter Patties."

"Th… that's… that's just the box I put them in!" Lloyd stammered.

"Suuuure."

Lloyd turned to look at Kvar, who was laughing. "Stop making fun of meeeee!" he wailed, fleeing the room, but not before he'd grabbed Genis by the sleeve and dragged him along.

So once more, Colette and Kvar were left alone.

Kvar once more wondered how to breach the subject, but he didn't have a real chance to consider it before there was a sudden scream from outside. Colette turned and hurried out the door, the Desian close on her heels.

They found Lloyd and Genis, as well as a growing crowd, beside the building next to the inn, which happened to be funeral home. It was also on fire.

"Lloyd!" Raine shrieked, having also arrived on the scene, "What did you do! Are there people in there?"

"Nope," called out a sad-looking man in a black suit and tie. "Not ones that weren't already dead, anyway."

"Lloyd!" Raine scolded again. "What happened?"

"Why do you assume it was me?" the brunet grumbled.

"Lloyd was throwing a temper tantrum and accidentally expelled mana from the Sorcerer's Ring," Genis explained.

Raine glared as only Raine could. "Lloyd Irving—"

"It was Genis!" Lloyd shouted suddenly, pointing at his half-elven friend. "Not me, I swear!"

"Don't punish the kid," another man in a dark suit jacket spoke up suddenly, looking surprisingly cheerful. "I mean, think about it. Mass cremation saves everyone a fortune on funeral expenses! I for one am incredibly relieved at not having to take care of my mother-in-law anymore. And between you and me, she should definitely have been cremated. Looked a bit too much like Abraham Lincoln—rather scary." He then gestured at the sad man. "He's about the only one not happy with this, though I can't blame him. He's the undertaker. Loses a heck of a lot of Gald this way."

Kvar, tired of this continuous distraction when all he wanted was to get it on with the Chosen, decided to take charge. "Anyone here a water mage?" he called out. "You? Then put out the fire, you inferior being! The rest of you, go find the manager if you have any complaints. No one was hurt—((sigh))—so no harm done, let's just all go to bed already!"

More than a little surprised, but too tired to care, everyone did as the Grand-Cardinal instructed. On the way back to the inn, Lloyd walked up to Kvar hesitantly. "Um… I hate to say this, but thanks. If you hadn't interrupted, Raine would have punished me, and…." He shuddered. "Well, yeah. But don't think this means I'll let you hurt Colette!" he added warningly, starting to walk away again. "I'm watching you!" He moved two fingers from his eyes to point at Kvar's, threateningly, then left.

Kvar chuckled. Lloyd still didn't get what was going on.

Then Colette caught up to him, chattering excitedly about how pretty the moon was, and the two of them returned to Colette's room. Maybe, Kvar thought hopefully, maybe she'll get it this time.

Yeah.

Maybe.

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A/N: I hope you liked it, or at least had as much fun reading it as I did writing it. :3 Please review; this is a contest, after all!

Epilogue: Far above Tethe'alla, the man in the moon pointed and laughed, and made a phone call—10 cents a minute—to the man on Mars.

Feel like guessing who the man on Mars is?

Exactly.