A/N:This is dark rambling. The 'I' is Yuki, and the 'you' is Akito, in case you can't tell. Please reveiw, no matter what your opinion.
"If you're hiding something, I'll find out."
You say it with such confidence that I can't doubt you. You say it as if it is a fact of the universe, and I can not doubt you at all. My insides knot in fear at the thoughts of all the things that I don't want you to know. I tremble at the images that flash before my eyes, and I mentally huddle over everything I am desperate to keep back. Somehow, this is always the case.
You smile almost sweetly, and lean down to caress my cheek a little harder than necessary. You look into my stricken eyes, and I know you can see everything. You watch my eyes intently, and I stare back, terrified of what I know you will see there. Part of my mind-the small part that isn't terrified-wonders calmly why I even try to keep secrets from you. Why do I do things I know I'll have to hide, or try to hide, at least?
Why do I do things I will want to hide? Your eyes ask the same question every time I walk into the room. I wonder why now, as your eyes search deep into every crevice to pull out every secret. Is it defiance? If it is, it is a stupid defiance. I know and have known for years beyond count, I CAN NOT HIDE ANYTHING from you. There is no point in doing things that will displease you and hoping you won't find out, because you will find out.
You knew I was hiding things the moment I stepped into the room, and now you are frowning. Your lips tug down, and your brow lowers. The look in your eyes is almost anger and almost sorrow. You delicately touch my face and sigh cough drop smelling breath into my face. I'm shaking now, because I know you have found out my secrets-and such sordid, horrid little secrets they are. I can feel them wriggling under my skin, begging to be utterance from my filthy mouth.
You take my treacherous face in your hands, and look at my eyes once again. This time you are only wondering what I wonder. Why do I even do these things I don't want you to know. I am only hurting myself, after all. You always make me feel worthless, stupid, and utterly filthy when I come, and you make me hate myself.
You shake your head, as if all is forgiven, and lean your forehead against mine. You shake your head again, making mine shake as well, and sigh. You look at me, and I am ashamed to the core of my being. I want to burst forth with apologies, and fall prostrate onto the ground and beg forgiveness for the horrid creature I am. I don't, because it would break the silence of the room.
You kiss my cheek, in a seemingly forgiving gesture, and stand up. You step back from me, and motion for me to rise. I do so, and you frown a little at me. I know I have done wrong in your eyes, and I hang my head. I look at the ground, and become absorbed in the tatami mats. If I look at them long enough, maybe you will just let me go.
Your hand-such a frail looking hand- snaps across my cheek, and I stagger away from the blow. I'm used to receiving harder blows, my mind tells me. Your slap has nothing on some of the punches I've received in matches with the Cat. Still, this slap burns into my skin, and my entire face is on fire with pain. I press a hand to my cheek, hoping to calm the pain, but that never works.
You look at me, and I crumble beneath that look. Your eyes say I am a failure, and that's all I'll ever be. Your lips twist into a grimace of distaste, and my heart pounds. You are the only one that matters. You are the only one who can give me a purpose and right to live. Your opinion it the only one that matters to me. I press my forehead against the tatami mats, and millions of apologies form on my tongue. My cheek burns, urging me to say at least one thing.
Only the fact you hate fools keeps me from spewing all the jumbled words in my mouth. I would sound like an imbecile. I would be no better than the Cat you so despise. I should apologize, but in a clear manner. I must not look like a fool in your eyes, or, rather, a bigger fool. I am already a fool for disobeying you. I can not form the words for my apology. I am too afraid that I will start to babble, as the Monkey does. I open my mouth for a simple word, and a wretched sob comes out.
Tears pour up my face and catch in my hair. Tight sobs begin to shake my frame, and I clench my teeth to keep you from hearing the next sob. You move, and I feel it through the floor as well as hear it. You kneel beside me, and touch the back of my neck. Your clammy hand pats my bare skin, and you gently touch my cheeks before rising, and leaving the room. Your words don't need to be said. I stand up with the silent command ringing in my head, and my chest aches with suppressed sobs. The words follow me out of the room.
"Don't disappoint me again."
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"You're back early," the Cat says with an undeniable hiss in his voice. I wince, and refuse to meet his eyes. The last thing I need is him to laugh at me. I should have stayed at the main house until I was composed, but I couldn't stand another second in your presence.
"Akito didn't have much to say," My voice is thick, and I can see the Cat's body reacting with surprise. He knows why I won't look at him, and he sees the tremors in my hands. I prepare for the sneering words and primal hate. He was born to hate me, and I was born to be hated.
"Yeah, well, don't let Akito get to you," The cats says with an awkward and completely unexpected pat to my shoulder. I almost jerk away, but I let the touch linger for a moment before heading up to my room. I see a pretty back cooking supper and pause to watch it. I can still feel the warmth of the Cat's hand on my shoulder-so strong and warm compared to yours- and I remember why I defy you.