Title: Alone at Night.
Summary: Clint felt so desperate, he couldn't make those nightmares and thoughts go away, they were always in his mind like a background for his other thoughts and dreams. He couldn't live with himself knowing what he could have done to the only person who knew him. The real him.
Rated: T cause I don't want little humans running around depressed.
Categories: Angst; Hurt/Comfort
Characters: Clint Barton/ Hawkeye
Word count: 1368
Disclaimer: Nothing in this story except the idea belongs to me.
Clint had left his little nest at S.H.I.E.L.D and had asked to Tony if he could sleep there for a night.. that had been three months ago. Now he could gladly say he lived at Stark Tower with all the other Avengers and he wouldn't change that for nothing. All those years he had been alone, alone like a spy should be but having someone around -even if they didn't speak much some days- was something he had missed. A lot.
It was dark, too dark. Clint got up from where he was sitting against the wall and lifted his hands in front of him to keep himself from bumping in to things, he tried to remember how he got in there and where "there" actually was when he heard something outside the room where he was. Clint stopped pacing around and turned towards the noise, those were steps. Someone was clearly making his way towards the room where he was held. Clint stood, waiting for whoever was to show himself and tell him what exactly was happening. It was just a minute later, when the door of the room opened and Clint had to cover his eyes from the sudden change of light, that he could finally see who was holding him prisoner: Loki.
He had read about him in stories and myths when he was little, then again in S.H.I.E.L.D's reports the first time Thor came on earth. He was the villain of the moment and Clint obviously had to read everything about him. Loki entered the room, his armor impeccable and his staff shining of a very bright blue on the top; he closed the door behind him and then looked at Clint, clearly expecting him to talk first.
«What?» Clint said without holding back sarcasm, he was trained to be more controlled but Loki was no normal villain so he clearly knew when he was faking. He decided to go with honesty and, in that moment, he knew sarcasm was the best weapon.
«Clint Barton, you are one of S.H.I.E.L.D's most important agent and it took me nothing to get you here. Now, how do you feel about that?» Loki asked with smooth voice, breaking the one-minute silence that had formed.
«I'm pisse. What did you do to me? I can remember that stick of yours touching me and then.. » Clint let his voice quiet down, concentrating on remembering instead. He did remember when Loki had appeared in the room, he had talked with Fury and Clint had had got down from his nest and on the floor just a couple of minutes before. He didn't remember much but he knew Loki had gotten closer and closer until the point of his staff had touched him on the chest. His mind had opened, he could see everything so much clearly and it had been strangely beautiful. But now, in that room, that feeling of interior peace was gone and he was just very angry at himself for not having been more careful.
«I showed you why I am doing all of this, but that's not important. I will hold your mind in my palm again when I am finished here but for now, I need you to think and feel by yourself without my influence.» he answered looking at him straight in the eyes. He had the most impossible green eyes and there was a strange flame in them, something burning. Something surely evil.
«I won't listen to a word you'll say, Loki.»
«Oh.. but you will, and it will stick in your mind until it drives you crazy.» and after that, Loki didn't give Clint time to answer he started talking, and he talked until something really did caught Clint's attention. He talked about Natasha. He told him her death would come by his own hands because he knew how to make her suffer. Loki described everything with incredible perfection how exactly he would do it and then, after Natasha was finally dead, he would release him from his spell and make him live.
«It's going to torture you day and night until you won't be able to live anymore with yourself.» and with that he gave him a small smirk and exited the room, of course it wasn't what he was going to tell the other spy, he had other plans for her. And with that Clint was left buried in images of Natasha dead and his hands covered with her blood.
«Jesus Christ!» Clint's voice echoed in his room, his heavy breathing slowly died down as did his heartbeat. He remembered that day so clearly it could have happened a few hours before. Clint sat on the bed and held his head in his hands, trying to calm himself. But suddenly the bedroom felt too small, the walls looked like they were closing up on him and he actually couldn't breath. He got quickly up from his bed and exited the room as fast as he could without actually running; he found himself in the corridor and then in front of the stairs, without hesitation he started climbing until he was on the roof. Clint inhaled deeply, filling his lungs with the fresh air that was now all around him. He took in his surroundings and then walked to one of the corners and sat crossed leg.
He looked in front of him, taking in the view of New York, it was beautiful but he couldn't focus; in his mind were swirling those images again. Images of Natasha's death coming from him.. the thought made him sick.
Clint wanted to scream, cry, do something but all he did was take his head in his hands once again and tried to fight the tears. He had never been this weak, this vulnerable, he was a fucking assassin but those images.. those images were killing him. They were tearing him apart and the only thing he could do was watch as another him -in his mind- killed Natasha.
He had never forgotten his conversation with Loki in that room, though Loki had been the only one to talk, and he remembered with incredible clarity every single thing Loki had said he was going to make him do to her. He could remember so vividly that he saw it in his mind like a film, like if he was just describing a scene he had seen. It make Clint shake and everything kept coming back to him: he could remember the nightmares he had about it after Loki had been taken back to Asgard; he could remember Natasha telling him Loki had said the same things to her but she knew he would never hurt her; he remembered how he had nodded to her though he was feeling like dying inside. She had known, she had known what he could have done to her and still she didn't care, she kept talking to him like if nothing had happened or could have happened. Like if he hadn't been ordered to kill her -again-, and this time he could have succeeded because a psychopath had deprived him of his own will.
Clint felt so desperate, he couldn't make those nightmares and thoughts go away, they were always in his mind like a background for his other thoughts and dreams. He couldn't live with himself knowing what he could have done to the only person who knew him. The real him.
He stood and then looked down, it didn't look like a great fall. Yes Stark Tower was a very high building -or it wouldn't be called tower- but for Hawkeye that was nothing, thought he knew he would die if he jumped. Clint stood there another minute, considering the pros and cons and then took a few steps backwards, coming to the conclusion that, even though he could have done a very horrible thing to the nicest person he knew, he had to live.
He had to stay alive to protect her, from anything and/or anyone. Stay alive to be by her side and listen to her when she had a problem or wanted someone to talk to, comfort her when she needed comfort and keep her tightly in his arms when all she needed was an embrace.
Clint had to live.. for her.
a/n: Hello again, I know this is longer but I really hope you'll like it. I tried doing the one with Bruce Banner first but I didn't know what to write so I moved on and did the next one. Please review and tell me what you think or if you spot any mistakes. It's kind of the continue from the other story: Alone at Night.