AN: I've decided to write historically correct crackfic.
That's right.
A Hetalia crackfic that's based in historically accurate events.
Enjoy
Warning: cock-blocking. Literally.
King Spain sat brooding, sexily yet gayly, on his throne made of tomatoes. Suddenly, a light bulb appeared out of thin air over his head, then turned on, since it's impossible to not be turned on in the presence of King Spain-orilla. "All of my problems! The economy, my back pain from doing the nasty all night, every night, my search for the perfect tomato! All of it can be solved! I just have to find... THE FAIREST PRINCESS IN THE LAND! OR AT LEAST THE ALLIED COUNTRIES!Interrupting bull! Find me a Chiquita banana with a bangin' body!" he roared, with all the excitement of a mountain lion in heat.
The interrupting bull searched far and wide. Eventually, he came to Italy, the land of pasta and bad driving. He roamed through the streets, tossing cabbage carts with his horns (MY CABBAGES!) and basically scaring the holy living shit out of everyone. He came to the doors of the palace, and when they wouldn't let him through the doors he just plowed right through that shit like a mofo. He then explained to the king and queen (In perfect conversational french. That's right, fuck the Italian language up the ass why dontcha. Interrupting bull used buttrape, and it's very effective.) that his master was looking for the most bangin' MILF in the allied countries, and they presented their "daughters", one of which, the younger one, was girlish, fragile, and just straight up useless, although rather nice, and one, the older one, which was rather disagreeable and grumpy, but ultimately hotter. Both were a bit... male for princesses, but you know what, fuck logic, I bet Romano would look damn good in a princess dress anyway. The interrupting bull ran back to King Spain immediately, disrupting more cabbage sellers on the way.
When King Sexy Spain heard the news, he was thrilled, and instantly went to visit the "princesses". He fell in love with the older one instantly. However, the princess insisted that he brought him a dowry of jewels from the New World before he fucked him/got fucked by him, but the king was not deterred, and was all "I'm having some of that!" and took off for the New World to get his beautiful princess some jewels.
However, on the way there, a mysterious stranger rose up out of the ocean. "Stop! In the name of love!" the stranger sang, with a beautiful voice like that of a dying cow. A mystical aura hung around him, and his blue eyes looked like limpid tears. Everyone thought he looked like Amy Lee.
Then he dropped his hyper-pants and slapped king Spain across the face several times with his cock of fury, screaming "COCK-BLOCK!" Who can blame him for wanting to rub his privates on King Spain? Everyone does. The king went home, defeated-by-dick. Then his enchanting princess showed up and screamed, "Bastard, what did I fucking tell you?! If you want any of this*runs his hands down his body* you gotta get those fucking gems! Now get off your lazy ass, even if it is ridiculously fine!"
King Spain thought, Man he's hot, look at that Italian love-god body! He moaned and writhed around on the throne in the throes of fantasy-induced orgasms. I GOTTA HAVE A PIECE OF THAT BAD KITTY!
So he set sail once again, heading for the New World, when suddenly he heard a Tarzan-yell, and the stranger from before dropped out of the sky and smashed through the deck. He then stood up and brushed himself off. He walked over to King Spain and BOOM! Instant dickslap! King Spain went home defeated once more.
And got screamed at by his princess once more.
He went one more time, and ONCE AGAIN was thwarted by America's dick.
Fin
AN: It's based off of this story, as told by my friend:
"Okay, so I was just at my 87 year old great grandmother's house, and she was telling me this story that her son told her about after he had gone to a museum that was near where he lives in southern Florida; so basically how the story goes is: back at some point in the 16 hundreds or something like that (I don't remember specifically), there was a Spanish king that had been looking for the most beautiful princess throughout allied countries so that he could make her his wife. After quite a bit of searching, he came across two sister princess, one of which was older and the other was young and "fragile" and her parents were quite protective of her. So he decided he would go to meet these sisters who just happened to be from Italy. But the parents (king & queen) of the sisters insisted he didn't go through the trouble and simply gave him a choice. I'm not entirely sure about the details of this part, but I'm guessing he sent someone out to the Italian palace to gather descriptions of the girls (or something like that), because when news came back about them, I guess you could say they called the oldest "fairest in the land". When the king heard this he knew he had finally found his perfect and flawless princess and fell in love with her, immediately asking for her hand. But, being a princess and all, she insisted she required a dowry before she would sleep with him, and it had to be of the most amazing jewels from "the New World", which was to them South America. So the king was like "Hellz yeah I can get you those jewels! In fact, I'm gonna send out a whole freakin armada to get a crap load!"(obviously he didn't say that, but you get the point); so he sends out an armada and they bag the jewels, but on the way back..BAM...somehow an entire armada of Spanish ships crashes into Florida. So at this point the guy's like "I GOTTA HAVE THAT HOT STACK!" and sends out another armada. And you can guess what happened to them...BAM...taken out by Florida. So this king sends out a third armada and Florida gets them too.
The whole time she was telling this story I had a stupid grin on my face and after I looked at my mom and was like "THAT WOULD SO HAPPEN," cuz believe it or not, she actually listens to me when I talk about APH ships. She kinda laughed but I could tell she was thinking "why did my child have to end up like this?"