AN: I don't know if you will like this story. But as a writer, sometimes you get ideas in your head and they just won't leave until you write them down. I debated about posting but figured what the heck. It was written. It's a little angsty and probably a little corny but this is FF, right? Thanks for reading. I have another story in the hopper…so stay tuned.
EOEOEOEOEO
Olivia watched her partner walk into the restaurant, looking around the crowded space. She only had a few seconds to change her mind before he sat down. Her stomach did a flip at the thought of the conversation ahead, but she knew she had already agonized about it enough the night before. She saw his eyes connect with hers then, and he smiled as he wound his way through the tables until he sat down across from her.
"Morning." He said. He had thought it was odd that Olivia had asked him to meet her for breakfast. It wasn't something they normally did. Of course, things hadn't really been normal in the past year. He still remembered the look on Olivia's face when he had told her he was moving home…that Kathy was pregnant.
No. Nothing was like it used to be.
He glanced around the small café. "I never realized so many people went out for breakfast in the morning." He said, trying to keep his tone light.
"Yeah." Olivia said, her eyes glancing over the crowd and then lighting back on him. "Thanks for agreeing to meet me. I know it's hard for you to get out of the house in the morning with the baby…"
Elliot interrupted her. "It's not that big of a deal."
"Well…still." Olivia said. She dropped her eyes trained down towards the table, and she fiddled with the silverware sitting in front of her.
Elliot narrowed his eyes slightly, noticing her movements. He realized her coffee was untouched. "Liv…" He leaned in. "What's going on?"
Olivia looked up at him, trying to give him a smile but not quite pulling it off. "I just needed to talk to you about something."
Elliot felt a knot of dread in his stomach. Olivia was nervous, and that wasn't like her. He wondered if this was the moment she told him that she was leaving…that she couldn't handle this anymore. Whatever this had become.
Olivia saw the look on Elliot's face, and realized he was already preparing for the worst…making assumptions about why they were there. "I don't know what you're thinking right now, but I guarantee, it's not that."
"I wasn't thinking anything." He said, trying to recover.
"Hmm." Olivia said. "You don't think I can read you after all these years?"
Elliot shrugged slightly.
Olivia gave him a small smile. "Do you think I'd invite you to breakfast to tell you that I was leaving?"
No. You'd just leave without a word. The thought flew into his mind unbidden, and he clenched his jaw before he said it out loud.
He looked back across at her, surprised she'd said it out loud. Of course, she knew. It was his biggest fear when it came to her. He saw her cock her head slightly, and a genuine smile replaced the fake one.
"I'm not going anywhere El." She repeated. They had been in an uncertain place this past year, but she had no intention of leaving. She wouldn't. She couldn't. She had proven that leaving him behind wasn't an option.
Besides, she felt that finally, despite everything that had happened, things were starting to get better again. As if they had each realized what they were to each other and what the new boundaries were…and they had both decided to live with them.
She saw him visibly relax, and it helped her to relax as well. She hadn't realized how wound up she really was…and if he was worried about her leaving…well, maybe this wouldn't be so bad.
"I just…" Olivia looked back down at her hands quickly. "I need to…"
OK…maybe this wouldn't be easier.
She took a deep breath. She pressed her lips and looked up at him. "I need your opinion on something."
Elliot nodded as he leaned back in his chair. "OK. Shoot."
Olivia considered him for a moment. "I need your opinion, but when you hear what I have to say, I need you to be…" She hesitated a moment. "Less of a father…and maybe… less of a Catholic."
Elliot started to laugh, and then he realized she was serious.
Olivia saw that he was confused by her statement. "I mean…just try to be objective."
Elliot furrowed his brows together slightly. "Okay." He said, drawing out the word. He really had no idea where this conversation was going.
Olivia took a deep breath. "So…I've been seeing someone."
Elliot felt his heart drop. Was she going to tell him that she was getting married? No. That didn't make any sense. Was she…
Olivia interrupted his thoughts. "Would you stop trying to guess what I'm going to say and just listen?" She asked, unable to keep the annoyance out of her voice.
"I'm listening." Elliot said, resolving to keep his random thoughts from distracting him.
Olivia wiped her hands on her thighs. "OK. So…I've been seeing someone and he's great." She looked back up at him. "He's funny and smart…" She bit down slightly on her lower lip. Olivia knew Elliot probably didn't want to hear about her boyfriend, but she had to get through this. "He's good to me." She said more quietly.
Elliot swallowed thickly. "Sounds like a good guy." He might be jealous as hell, but since he was stuck in his house in Queens, he wanted to be happy for her…he wanted to be happy that she had someone to go home too at the end of the day.
Olivia nodded. "He is." She let out a sigh. "But…" She pressed her lips together. "He doesn't want the same things I want."
Elliot wanted to prompt her when she stopped talking, but he let it go. He still wasn't sure where this conversation was going, but he had to let her tell it in her own way.
"He talks about marriage. But in an abstract way. Which…I guess isn't that odd, because we've only been seeing each other for a few months. So, I'm not sure when…" She shrugged slightly.
Elliot bit down on the inside of his jaw to keep himself from reacting. He couldn't imagine having to watch her walk down the aisle. And yet, he'd made his bed…
He only wanted her to be happy.
Olivia watched Elliot's reaction, but he was being careful not to react…to really listen. She took a deep breath. "But, the bigger issue is…he doesn't want kids."
Elliot blew out a breath through pursed lips. He understood her dilemma now. She remained quiet for a few moments, and he couldn't decide if he should say something or not…if she was finished. He started to open his mouth to speak but she beat him to it.
"I can't give that up El. I don't want to give that up." There was emotion in her voice.
"If he loves you…maybe he'll change his mind. I mean, if he isn't even thinking marriage…he's not thinking about kids right now." Elliot said, trying to reassure her.
"No." Olivia said, shaking her head. "He was very adamant about it. He told me that he was pretty close to getting married once before, but she wouldn't budge on the kid thing."
"Oh." Elliot said quietly. "So…you're trying to decide if you love him enough…" Elliot said, his voice catching slightly on the word love.
"I didn't say I loved him." Olivia said flatly.
"Oh." Elliot said, his voice barely then a whisper. He didn't know what to say to that.
Olivia couldn't tell Elliot the myriad of thoughts that had been going through her head because they involved him…and there was an unspoken agreement between them that those truths would never be spoken. But she had thought…with Andrew…that she could make it work. She could be happy. Have a family.
But he had pulled that rug out from underneath her…
He had been very clear.
And she'd had to make a decision.
"So…" Elliot said. He was more confused than ever.
"So…" Olivia paused. She knew Elliot was confused, and she honestly hadn't meant to drag this out like this. But she needed him to understand where she was coming from.
Olivia looked around, happy to see that the crowd hadn't filled in the tables nearby. It's why she had picked a spot in the back corner. Elliot was looking at her…focused…listening. As she had requested. She took another deep breath. "What if I got pregnant?" Olivia asked.
Elliot sat up in his seat, surprised by the abrupt change in subject. "You're pregnant?" He asked with surprise.
"No." Olivia swallowed. She wrapped her hand around the glass of water sitting in front of her and focused her attention on it. "Well, I guess I don't know. But probably…no."
"Aren't you on…" Elliot started awkwardly. "You're not using birth control?"
Olivia's eyes flicked up to his. "He thinks I am."
Elliot sat back in his chair, shocked by her admission. He was quiet for a moment trying to piece together the information she was giving him. He scrubbed a hand over his face and leaned forward again. "Liv…I don't understand what you're trying to tell me…" The Olivia Benson he knew wouldn't trick a man into marrying her…mislead him and force him into fatherhood.
Olivia leaned in, looking at him earnestly. "I want a baby El." She placed the palm of her hand on her chest. "A child of my own." She kept her eyes locked with his, willing him to understand. "The house in the suburbs…the white picket fence. The fairytale…that's not going to happen for me." She shook her head slightly and dropped her eyes. "I don't know why I ever thought it would." Her history weighed heavily on her.
"Liv."
Olivia looked up and saw a pained expression on Elliot's face as he leaned towards her. She knew he didn't know what to say, but she couldn't stand the look on his face.
"It's fine El. I don't want your pity and I don't want to hear you tell me that my white knight it out there somewhere. Time is running out for me. I've thought this through." She bit down on her lip slightly before finishing her thought. "He never has to know." It came out as a whisper.
Her words pierced his brain then…her plan revealed in perfect clarity. "You're going to get pregnant and then…what? Leave him? You're not going to tell him?"
"He doesn't want kids."
"Yeah, but Christ Liv. If I had a kid out there, I'd want to know."
"That's you! That's why I asked you to be objective." She waved her hand towards the front of the café. "Half the men we run in to don't want to have anything to do with the kids they have. They leave without any thought or concern about the children they've left behind."
"But that's their choice!" Elliot said, lowering his voice as soon as he realized he'd raised it. He saw the slump of her shoulders, and he tried to soften his tone. "You have other options."
"You know the turned me down for adoption. In vitro costs tens of thousands of dollars, and it doesn't always work." Her voice was almost a whisper now. "And like I said, I'm running out of time." She leaned back, feeling tears threatening her lower lashes. "This may be my only chance."
Elliot didn't know what to say. What she was proposing was crazy. But he knew that everything she said was true, and he knew how badly she wanted this. Still…it just didn't fit with what he knew of her. It was dishonest…immoral. Maybe illegal? "What are you asking me Liv? Are you asking me to give you my blessing? To tell you that this is OK?"
"I'm asking you to support me. I'm asking you to be happy for me. I want to sit across from you every day, and not have to see that look on your face. The one that's judging me." She swallowed hard, trying to keep tears at bay. "You said you would support me, whatever I decided to do…however I wanted to do it."
"Liv…" Elliot said, pleading in his tone.
Olivia sat back, utterly defeated. She had somehow convinced herself that Elliot would understand. That he would support her…be there for her like he had said he would. She should have known he wouldn't be able to put aside his own feelings as a father, and a religious man. "Never mind." She said, pushing her way out of her chair. "This was a mistake."
"Olivia." Elliot said, but his mind was reeling. He didn't know what to say.
She brushed by him before he even realized what was happening. He turned as she wound through the crowd, and he knew he should go after her. But he was frozen in place…still trying to process everything she'd said.
By the time he'd regained his senses, she was long gone.
EOEOEOEO
Two days had passed, and Elliot hadn't heard from Olivia. Not that he had expected to. He had picked up his phone half a dozen times to call her, or text her, but he had decided against it every time.
He just needed some time to think.
In fact, he had spent most of the weekend alone…thinking about everything that had played out between he and Olivia over the last several years. Now, it was Sunday night, and he was driving from Queens to Manhattan.
He was ready to talk…and he hoped she was as well.
Elliot was about ten minutes out and was reasonably confident he wasn't going to turn his truck around and head back to Queens. He hit speed dial, and then Olivia's phone was ringing. She didn't answer, but he hadn't really thought she would. He called again a few minutes later, and it went straight to voicemail.
He hadn't expected this to be easy.
When he pulled up outside of her apartment, he sat in his truck for a few minutes, listening to the engine cooling as the cold winter air started seeping into the truck. He saw there were lights on in Olivia's apartment, but he couldn't tell if she was alone or not.
He dialed her number one more time.
Straight to voicemail.
Elliot fingered the keys he had pulled from the ignition.
He had never used the key she had given him, and it bothered him that he was planning on using it to force his way into her building since it was apparent that she didn't want to see him.
That was as far as he would go though.
He wouldn't abuse her trust completely. He wouldn't let himself into her apartment. But he wasn't going to leave until she talked to him.
Elliot took the stairs two at a time, but he hesitated outside her apartment door. Her boyfriend could be inside. They could be…
Indisposed.
He shook the image from his mind.
It didn't matter. If he was there, he would ask him to leave.
He had made up his mind.
And he needed to talk to Olivia.
Tonight.
He raised his hand, poised to knock, when the door opened. He jumped, and he heard Olivia gasp as she saw him standing there.
"Elliot! You scared the hell out of me." She said. "What are you doing here?" She looked behind him, as if she expected someone to be with him. "How did you get in the building?" She asked, narrowing her eyes as she stared back at him.
Elliot knew she already had the answer to that question, so he didn't bother answering. "I need to talk to you."
"Ever thought of picking up the phone?" Olivia asked sarcastically.
"I tried that." Elliot said, shifting on his feet. He could see her eyes dart behind him again and his first thought was that she was expecting someone. She was dressed casually, in jeans and a white blouse. But her hair and make-up were done. Not what you'd expect for a quiet Sunday night at home.
"I already tried talking to you." Olivia said. She should have known it wasn't a good idea…that he wouldn't be able to stand by her and support her in making a decision like this.
She shouldn't have asked him to.
"I shouldn't have dragged you into this." She said quickly. "It was a mistake. I thought…" We were friends. We cared about each other. We had each other's backs…always. "Just forget about what I said."
"No." Elliot said. "I'm glad you told me. I was just…surprised I guess. When you asked me to breakfast…and then you said you wanted to talk to me…" He scrubbed a hand across his chin. "It just caught me by surprise." He repeated. He could see she was getting impatient, shifting on her feet as she braced her hand on the open door. "But it got me thinking…" He took a step forward, hoping Olivia would let him in. But she held her ground and he stepped back again. "I need to talk to you."
"I'm on my way out." Olivia said, taking her turn to crowd Elliot. But he didn't give an inch, and she let out a sigh of frustration as she took a step backwards.
"5 minutes." Elliot said, trying to keep his voice even. Not that he was above pleading with her. He watched as she parted her lips with an objection, but he spoke up before she could say anything else. "It's just 5 minutes…"
Olivia let out a huff of air as she dropped her arm and took a step backwards. She really wasn't in the mood to listen to Elliot tell her all the reasons she shouldn't go forward with her plan; if he started in along those lines, she would end the conversation. She had already decided she was going to break things off with Andrew…that she couldn't go through with what she had planned. In the lonely hours late at night, desperation had made her think it could work. She had done a really great job of convincing herself…and the desire for a child of her own had kept her from seeing the truth. But she had finally come to her senses…she knew she wouldn't be able to live with the guilt.
She wanted to believe Elliot hadn't impacted her decision, but she wasn't so naïve to think his opinion didn't matter to her. Still…it didn't mean she had to tell him. The fact that he had such an impact on the decisions she made in her life pissed her off.
Elliot walked in and closed the door behind him. He followed Olivia into her living room, trying desperately to figure out how to start the conversation. Olivia walked around a chair that was across the room and settled her hands along the back of it. Her eyes connected with his, but her lips were pressed in a straight line.
She wasn't going to make this easy for him.
Of course, she had no idea what he was about to say.
Elliot scrubbed his hand across the bottom of his face again and shifted on his feet. Talking had never been their strong suit…or at least he hadn't been his.
"Four minutes." Olivia said.
"Christ Liv. Cut me a break. You know I'm not good at this."
Olivia tried to hold her tongue. She didn't know if she was angry or just disappointed, but it made her impatient with him. "Then maybe this isn't a good time..."
"Please Liv." Elliot took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, determined to say what he came here to say, no matter how hard she made it. The words had been tumbling around in his head on the drive over, but now they had all dissipated. The speech he'd given to the steering wheel on the drive over was gone.
He saw Olivia relax her stance slightly as she let out a small sigh, and Elliot knew she was going to give him a chance to say what he'd come to say. But he knew that the minute he spoke, her defenses would kick in…and she would go on the offensive again. He steeled himself for her reaction and then he forged ahead. "When you walked out of that café, I just sat there for a while and I thought about what you'd said. I started thinking about everything that's happened since that moment you first walked through the precinct doors." He looked back and forth between her eyes. "We've been through a lot." He shook his head slightly. "A lot."
Olivia shifted uncomfortably…taking a pensive breath as Elliot kept talking. She knew he wasn't just talking about the things that technically were a part of the job…the victims and suspects and perps. Or maybe that was all in her mind…since she couldn't separate the job from everything else their partnership entailed. She shifted on her feet again and dug her fingers into the fabric of the chair, waiting for him to get to the point.
Elliot noticed her body language, and knew she was poised to pounce…detract…argue. "I thought about what you told me. That you're in a relationship with a man you don't love. That you're thinking about having a baby…"
"I told you that I didn't want to talk about…"
Elliot held up a hand. "That's not…" He let out a sound of frustration. "The point is… I can't figure out…" His voice bordered on confusion now. "How the hell did we end up here?" He furrowed his brows together. "This isn't how it's supposed to be."
"How what's supposed to be?" Olivia asked impatiently.
"You. Me. Us."
"There is no us." Olivia said sharply. This conversation was going in a direction she wasn't prepared for, and she felt her heart rate accelerating. They didn't talk about things like this, and she had to head this off. It would ruin what they had now…what they had carefully reconstructed after a rough couple of years.
"Don't do that." Elliot said. He knew she'd deny it…as they had both been doing for a long as he could remember. He kept his eyes trained on her and he could see her mind working overtime to formulate a response. He'd caught her off guard. He'd done it purposefully, in hopes that it would force an honest answer out of her.
"I'm not doing anything Elliot." She straightened up slightly. "You're my partner. My married partner." She dropped her eyes then, because she couldn't look at him. She was worried he would read the emotion in her eyes.
"I'm not talking about that!" Elliot said in frustration. "Christ! I'm trying to talk here. To have a real conversation because it's way overdue. All these things we've refused to talk about…it has to come out." He realized he was almost yelling now, and Olivia wasn't looking at him anymore. She had a death grip on the chair though…and her body was rigid. He softened his voice, reminding himself to keep calm. "I'm asking you to be honest with me. To tell me how you really feel." He took a step closer. "If I wasn't married…"
Olivia's head snapped up. "But you are married." She said sharply. Now she was angry. "What good does this do Elliot?" She gestured with her arms. "Why are you dredging all of this up right now? We've worked all this shit out and things are fine between us, so why does any of this matter? You're married…so it doesn't really matter how either of us feels. You've made that perfectly clear with the choices you've made."
Elliot shouldn't have been surprised by her fury, but he was. He needed to make her understand what he was trying to say. "It does matter Liv. It does. And I know that I've made choices, but at the time, they didn't feel like choices. They felt like responsibilities…like things I had to do. Kathy got pregnant and I did the right thing. I got a job. I supported by family. I've always tried to be the man I thought I should be. A good cop. A good husband. A good father. But it doesn't feel like any of it was a choice.
"Climbing into bed with Kathy last year was a choice." Olivia said, her voice deep and dark. She knew that remark inflicted pain because she could see it in his face.
Elliot was shocked by the venom in her voice, and he felt a spark of anger. "After what we saw…I need to feel something Olivia. I needed comfort…I needed…" He hesitated a moment before forging ahead. "What would have happened if I would have shown up at your apartment that night like I wanted to?" He was laying it all on the line. "Because that night…that's all I wanted to do. I wanted to push aside all the bullshit and the boundaries and just…" He stopped when he saw the look on her face. Her eyes were wide, and her lips had parted…and he knew she was shocked by his admission. "I just wanted to tell you that I was tired of playing this stupid game and that I didn't give a shit about our partnership or my obligations or any of it. I wanted to tell you that I loved you…that I had loved you for a long time and that I was so tired of pretending…"
Olivia backed away then and she was shaking her head…as if she could ward off the words. Deflect them. Defend herself. But Elliot knew he couldn't give her any space right now.
"Would you have let me in?" He asked. "Because honestly Olivia…I had no idea. All these years, you haven't given me one tangible signal that you would be willing to give up everything we had to be something more." He scrubbed his hand over his mouth. "Which may be why I made the choices I have."
Olivia furrowed her brow. She was scarcely able to believe the words that had just come out of Elliot's mouth. "You're blaming me for the decisions you made?"
"No! That's not what I'm trying to say." Elliot moved a few steps closer, but he saw Olivia shrink back slightly, protecting her personal space even though he wasn't even close to her. "What I'm trying to say is that we've both made choices that have gotten us to the point we're at today." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to slow his heartrate. He thought about the times she pushed him to reconcile…to work things out with his wife…even when he wasn't sure he wanted to. He thought about her always keeping him at arm's length…about how close they came to pouring out their feelings before they'd both pull back…before she'd leave. Her leaving was the thing that scared him the most…kept him from pushing her. "We've both done our fair share of things to hurt each other….to keep our feelings under wraps. To keep the status quo. But I don't like where it's taken us. Because neither one of us is happy."
Olivia thought about everything he was saying. And while she'd like to object to it, she knew she couldn't. She may have been unhappy with Elliot's decisions, but she knew she'd had a part in them. If she would have said something…if someone they would have broken through. But instead, she had denied them. Run when things got tough. Still…
"Liv?" Elliot took a small step closer and tried to capture her eyes. "Say something."
Olivia looked at him then…and she could see the pleading in his eyes. He had come here and started this conversation, but after so many years, it seemed impossible. She had waited so long for something to change between them, but now…she just felt tired. "It's too late Elliot." Her voice was almost a whisper, but she knew he heard her.
"It's never too late." Elliot said.
"You have a new son. You've recommitted yourself to Kathy." She let her eyes slide away from him. "Maybe it was never going to work out. Maybe that's why things happened the way they did." She had spent hundreds…maybe thousands…of hours over the years trying to figure out a way for them…hoping that there would be some signal…something…anything…that would compel them to have this very conversation. Shatter the confines of the structure they'd build their partnership on. "There were dozens of times when we had a chance to change things…and yet…we didn't." She looked back up at Elliot. "Why? Why do you think that is?"
"I don't know." Elliot said desperately. She wasn't denying that there was something between them, but she was going to push him away. "I think it was a lot of things." He swallowed hard. "For me…" His voice got small. "I think I was worried that I couldn't be the man you deserved…and that ultimately, you'd leave me. And having you as my partner was better than not having you at all." He felt a knot of fear in his stomach. He had laid it all out there…his heart…his emotions…were bare.
Olivia couldn't believe that it was Elliot standing here in front of her, saying these things. Her heart ached…at the sincerity in his voice…at the hopefulness in his eyes. All things she had longed for…after so many lonely days and nights. But she didn't trust it…she couldn't trust it. She'd spent the majority of her adult life on the periphery of his life, watching the drama unfold and supporting him as best she could. She had wasted so many years hoping…waiting…but in the end, he'd always run back to the comfort of what he knew.
She knew though…that she had made the same decisions as he had. She had stayed…come back to him even…unable to separate herself. "Even when I left…" She dropped her head. "I wanted to be a part of your life, even if it was just as your partner." She lifted her head and met his eyes. "It's what we have Elliot. And it works. We're in a place now where I'm not afraid that you're going to walk out the door. I don't feel like I need to run. We've just…" She tried to pick the right word. "We've settled into a rhythm. We're in a place where we're comfortable with who we are with each other…"
"I don't want to be comfortable Liv. I want to feel something. I want to feel alive again. I want to laugh. I want to love. I'm tried of doing what everyone thinks I should do. I've lived with that my entire life. So, when is it my turn? When do I get to be happy? When do you?"
"I never said I wasn't happy."
Elliot settled back on his heels; he hadn't realized how far he was leaning in. "That's bullshit." He knew he was taking a risk here. "You told me that the fairytale wasn't going to happen for you. But what if it could? Wouldn't you risk everything?" He could feel the trill of fear in his body; his entire future riding on this conversation.
"Fairytales aren't real." Olivia said flatly.
Elliot wanted to scream and rant…she was so goddamned stubborn. But he had to remind himself that this wasn't easy for her…or for him. This wasn't what they did. So many years of denial. "They can be. Think of all the crazy things we've seen in our years together Liv. It's a fucked-up world. Don't we have to believe in something?" He saw her expression then…a slight shimmer in her eyes. And he thought maybe…just maybe…he'd broken through.
Elliot let his hands drop to his sides and closed his eyes for a second. It was a miracle that he'd been able to say the things he had, and it hadn't all come out right, but there was one more thing he needed to make clear. He opened his eyes and saw Olivia looking down at where her hands rested on the back of the chair. "Olivia." He said, his voice quiet and calm. "Please look at me." When she didn't make a move, he made another plea. This time, she lifted her head and her eyes connected with his. "I came over here tonight because…what you told me at breakfast that day…it made me realize that you were done waiting for me. That you'd moved on. And it scared the shit out of me. It also made me realize that I always counted on you being there…and what a mistake I'd made in not telling you…" He swallowed hard. "In not telling you exactly how I feel about you. I love you Olivia. I have for a long time."
Elliot saw Olivia swallow hard, and he knew she was doing her damnedest not to show emotion…not to let the tears fall that were so evident on her lower lashes.
"I think…I hope…that you feel the same way about me. That you'll give us a chance."
Olivia's mind was reeling, and although every fiber of her being told her to fight, she felt her resistance waning. She loved this man standing in front of her…despite everything that had happened.
Elliot saw a range of emotions cross her face. He knew he had dumped a lot on her at this point; that she hadn't had time to think. "I know this is all a surprise. I know you need time to think." He honestly didn't know if giving her time to think was a positive; maybe that had been part of the problem in the past. "But…give me some idea of what you're thinking right now."
Olivia came around the chair and slid into it. Her emotions were out of control, and it scared her a bit. She steepled her fingers and brought them to her mouth as she thought about everything Elliot had said. The thought of a relationship with Elliot…a real romance…both thrilled her and scared her at the same time. She looked up at him, and knew she owed him an honest answer. "I'm scared." She said.
The comment almost made Elliot smile. Olivia was fearless most of the time…but this…this made her afraid. "I know you don't have any reason to trust me Olivia. Lord knows I've let you down. But in all these years, the only thing that hasn't changed is how I feel about you. We'll figure it out…" He paused for a moment as a realization hit him. "Unless…do you love me Liv?" He had a sudden fear that maybe she really had moved on…that her feelings for him had changed.
Olivia felt a blush in her cheeks, and she was embarrassed by it. She looked away quickly and brought her hands to cover it, but she knew she couldn't deny him. "Yes." She whispered. She turned to look up at him. "Yes."
Elliot wanted to rush over to her and pull her into his arms, but they weren't there yet. Everything still felt too tenuous. He sank down on the couch behind him, relief coursing through him. He knew this conversation wasn't over, but this…this was a step in the right direction.
Olivia saw the change in Elliot's demeanor. She couldn't imagine what had been going through his head as he'd driven over to her place…what courage it had taken to show up here today. But it wasn't so easy. Nothing with them ever was. "El…"
Elliot leaned towards her…hearing the caution in her voice. "Don't." He said. "We have to take our shot. You just said you loved me."
"It's not that easy." Olivia said.
"It can be. You just have to let the past go."
Olivia stared at him incredulously. "Have you forgotten about your wife?" Her eyes dropped to the gold band on his finger. "How can you sit there and talk to me about a future together when you're married to someone else?"
"Kathy and I have been talking…and we had a long talk yesterday. We both know…we were just fooling ourselves. We should have known better than to think we could start over again."
"What did you tell her?" Olivia was alarmed that he might have told Kathy about his feelings for her. She stood up. "I won't be a homewrecker." It was part of the reason she had always hung back; that she had known the decision had to come from Elliot.
"Olivia…" Elliot stood up. "It's not like that. It's been over for a long time, and we were both too tied up in our failure…or at least I was. Kathy knew…she knew that I wasn't really there."
Olivia pressed her lips together…still absorbing everything that had been said. She wanted to believe that they could figure things out, but she still felt like there was so much going against them.
Elliot moved a little closer, careful not to crowd her. "Olivia." He said softly. "You deserve to be happy, and I'll do everything in my power to make sure you are." His voice was barely more than a whisper. "You just have to take a leap of faith. Believe in me. Believe in us."
Olivia looked into Elliot's eyes. She saw vulnerability there…and hope.
"We don't have to figure everything out right now. All's you have to do is take my hand and say yes…" Elliot held out his hand.
Olivia closed her eyes, trying to push her fear to the side. She thought about a potential future with Elliot as something more than her partner…and she thought about a life without him. When she opened her eyes and took in a deep breath. Then she reached out and tangled her fingers with his. "Maybe fairytales can come true."