Something funny I thought of today and wrote in five minutes. Based on that rather silly game Oh...Sir! The Insult Simulator. Cheers!
It could have sooner been a draugr drinking in there with them. Or a god, come to say they're the chosen ones or something. But the last thing that Astrid expected as she got back to the Edge was to find Hiccup and Snotlout, locked in... a shouting match to the bitter end?
"Your sister is your mother and your brother is your father, you inbred twat!"
"Well, you were defeated by a hedgehog and smell of elderberries, and everybody knows that!"
The two were standing facing each other, each at the opposite end of the table, with a cup of tea placed before each. The intensity of their glares could only be rivaled by the peculiarity of their insults. Fishlegs had a teapot in his hands and was just refilling their cups.
Astrid approached the Thorsten twins, who were standing at the table, observing the whole thing with their wicked grins.
"What's going on?"
"Oh, hey Astrid!" Ruffnut greeted. "Man, are you not gonna believe this!"
"Why, what happened?"
"Wel..." Tuffnut said and began to explain how it had got to that state.
It had happened that morning, just after Astrid had gone on patrol. In the wake of their war with the Hunters, Hiccup had decided to use this morning to fortify the island and they had a lot of work ahead of them. Unfortunately, Snotlout was feeling particularly mutinous on that particular morning. A letter he had received from his father the previous day sparked within him that old desire of being the leader.
"Why should I listen to you!? All you do is boss all of us around!"
Hiccup facepalmed. "And all you do is complain! Snotlout, this defencive plan was agreed on five days ago and you had no complaints then!"
"Oh, I have no problem with the plan! I have a problem with the way you're leading its construction!"
"Well, do you have any better ideas?!"
"I probably would, if I wasn't busy following your lead!"
The other teens, Fishlegs and the twins, noticed this quickly. They'd never seen the two cousins get so, so loud in their clashes. They were usually short and quickly resolved. But a Viking can only bottle so much tension when it comes relationships with others. It was traditional to let it all out quickly in a duel, so that there would be no long term resentment. Hiccup and Snotlout never had such a duel - and no, that one time Hiccup punched him in the face, knocking a few teeth out doesn't really count. This could get ugly. Someone gad to intervene.
"Why you-...!"
"Whoah, whoah!" Tuffnut stepped between them. "As much as I would love a brutal duel between you two..." he commented more to himself than to anyone else. "There's only one way to settle this."
"What is it?" the arguing two asked in unison.
So the twins explained that they had heard from their parents about a verbal form of dueling. Originating from England, as Fishlegs put in, the so called 'Insult Fight' consisted of two duelist picking words from a board and putting them together to form insults. The funnier, the more points. Hitting your opponents nerve, more points. However, words that one would prevent innocent children from hearing were not permitted.
All one needed was two gentlemen angry at each other and a referee to shout 'Settle it!' and it would begin. Since houses Jorgenson and Haddock were nobility within their tribe, Snotlout and Hiccup technically classified as gentlemen.
The group promptly moved into the clubhouse, leaving the dragons outside so that they wouldn't interfere. Fishlegs prepared tea, Hicvup and Snotlout stood opposite each other and, once everyone was ready, Tuffnut shouted the words.
"SETTLE IT!"
Out of nowhere, a board filled with words appeared between the duelists. Each of them also got two words in front of them, to use if need be. No one decided to question this. There's weirder things in the world than that.
The words on the board were these:
your father
smells of
your helmet
and
the punlic loo
bothers me
and
is silly
your house
Snotlout had the first move. He quickly picked 'your house'. Hiccup picked 'your father'. Snotlout took 'smells of'. Hiccup, feeling rude, took one 'and'. Snotlout took 'the public loo'. So, Hiccup took the 'your helmet'. Snotlout took the last 'and'. Hiccup then took 'is silly'. Snotlout took one of his two cards. Hiccup didn't have much to add now. He took a sip of tea, hoping to get something better for his two cards. He did and added the finishing phrase. Then, Snotlout took 'bother(s)' me, then took a sip of tea, got nothing and finished.
"Your house smells of the public loo and you bother me!" It wasn't that strong of an insult, but still considerable.
"Your father and your helmet are silly, and you're in trouble for it mister!" Again, not a strong insult but still considerable.
And so it went, back and forth, until...
"Your father is silly and secretly admires pictures of Gobber, oi oi oi!" That cut Hiccip pretty deep.
TOUCHE! - family issues! RUDE!
Snotlout smirked. "I know your weakness now!" But his smug look was short-lived.
"Your father was defeated by a bunch of wee Franks and can't swim, I rest my case!"
TOUCHE! - weakness! RUDE!
Hicvup smirked. "And now, I know yours."
So, it continued. It went on and on and on... and on... and on...
"... And then you came in." Tuffnut finished.
Astrid was staring at the dueling youmg men in question incredulously. "Wait, how long have they been going?"
"Well, they started arguing a little after you left on patrol just after breakfast," Ruffnut said. "And now it's a little past noon, sooooo..."
"Heh, who thought that these two were so evenly matched in verbal violence," Tuffnut commented.
"Yeah, I mean, we always knew Snotlout had his way with... insulting expressions, but these sophisticated, posh ones?" Ruffnut agreed
"And Hiccup, who wouldn't say a bad word about anyone, even our enemies," Tuff agreed. "It's beautiful!"
"Fish, tea!" snotlout ordered. They had run out again.
"Round 235, cousin," Hiccup stated, his gaze not leaving Snotlout's.
"Prepare to lose!"
And they began, taking words, cutting each other off from finishing insults, sometimes biding their time and finishing their insults in the next set.
"Some derranged loonatic has a steaming romp with your mother and secretly admires pictures of your sister!"
TOUCHE! - family issues! RUDE!
"Your father can't hold his liquor and your clothes look like some dirty old rags and you bother me, sir!"
TOUCHE! - weakness! RUDE!
"You smell of old fish and your clothes are full of eels and your dragon has a steaming romp with your mother, and you know it!"
TOUCHE! - family issues! RUDE!
"Your house looks like an old dragon's behind and your father dousn't like you, you gods-forsaken twat!"
COMBO! - your father x2! RUDE!
Astrid nudged Fishlegs. "Do you think they'll be at it for a while?"
"You know how it is in combat, Astrid; when two evenly matched warriors fight each other, victory will only come when one makes a mistake or gets unlucky."
"Your father is getting fat and looks like a hamster and secretly admires pictures of... eh... uh" Uh-oh! Looks like Snotlout couldn't find a noun. It was nicked right from his grasp.
Hiccup grinned. 'Now I've got you!'
"You smell like manure and can't fight and your father is your mother, and that's clearly proven by my research!"
TOUCHE! - weakness! COMBO! - your father x3! RUDE!
That was a powerful strike. Finally, after wasting the whole morning on this fight, the last insult pushed Snotlout back, in a dramatic manner. Hiccup raised his fists into the air in victory and cheered.
"You were right, dear sir," Snotlou stated. "You are trully well versed in matters oratory and thus must be the better leader. I probably couldn't stand do the job anyway."
"Right you are, sir," Hiccup answered. "No harm done."
And so, they shook hands and the matter was never spoken of again.