Okay, this is my first songfic. It's set to James Blunt's Goodbye My Lover, a beautiful and fitting song of you ask me. I like it a lot, considering the fact that I am just now finishing at…3:24 AM. Bleah, I am tired. I've been awake for 43 hours with no sleep; I'm kind of fatigued. I'm watching Doctor Who on Youtube while writing this, and I am laughing creepily at absolutely EVERYTHING the Doctor says, which apparently is called 'giddiness' (you know this already, MissHaunted-MoonLight). That's a symptom of serious fatigue, so bye. I am gone.
Disclaimer: I don't, yawn, you know, own Doctor Who, YAWN, or anything.
I am the Doctor. I am all that anyone thinks I am. I am the fire, and the blazing pit, and the heart of time. I carry the universe's weight on my shoulders without tiring. I am followed by a shadow that wreaks destruction wherever I tread. I am forever and always.
And I am in love with a stupid, ignorant, irritating, absolutely beautiful human.
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
I sit in the captain's chair, bathed in the blue-green glow of the TARDIS, singing to myself. An ancient tune, one of my race, echoes faintly throughout the ship, like the sound of an old sailor on a fishing trip. I take care not to sing loudly enough to wake the slumbering Martha a few levels above my head.
Did I disappoint you, or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty, or let the judges frown?
The tune ends, and I prop my feet up against the console, carefully maneuvering so as not to hit any levers that would plunge us both into death's greedy stomach.
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes, I saw you were blind, and I knew I had won.
I lean back further in the seat and look up, letting my mind predictably wander back to Rose. My beautiful Rose. I couldn't help it, couldn't foresee what would happen once I took her under my wing.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
I had stolen her away, away from her mother, her boyfriend: everything and everyone she'd ever known. She'd thrown away her world for the sake of tasting mine. Me and my selfishness; I'd destroyed her home, her security in that one act of opening the TARDIS door.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
They were the best times I'd had for a long time. She was radiant and beautiful, glorious and saucy. She was brave and true, strong and kind. She was the girl who could shine like the sun, could match me in almost every way.
Almost.
But not quite. And that was what made it all too sweet, too real. I hadn't realized what the feeling was doing to me.
You touched my heart, you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind, and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I got up from the chair with a groan and paced around the TARDIS center, on occasion pressing a couple necessary buttons here and there. My mind was elsewhere; the feeling of her was still there, her warmth. I was still so used to shaking Rose awake in the morning, only to have her chuck her pillow at me; the transition to Martha's built - in alarm clock was harder than it sounded. Things had been so…full when she was there, so nicely complete. The memories were still fresh, ready to scream at me whenever I dared access them. When we had snuggled quite cozily together in my bed, the day after we had narrowly escaped Satan. The time when she coaxed me to dance in hiding from a mutated child, and I said yes. That day when I had a massive bout of Ulutanian flu, and she had managed to fly the TARDIS out of a nebula. All of them, I drank in so thickly that when they were all done and digested, I still craved more. But there isn't anything else to reminisce about.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
But it ended, as I knew it would. I had known, even as I asked her to join me, that the happiness had to end someday. It was my own doing, my own fault that we both got our hearts broken.
Goodbye, my lover.
Goodbye, my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
Goodbye, my lover.
Goodbye, my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
Though, through it all…all the painful, tear - bringing thoughts that I keep locked away. I live for that, that elation when I open the door a tiny crack. I'll sleep and think of you, and I can go on fighting another day.
I am a dreamer, and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
But what if this is how she lives her life? What if she, too, is living in a distant past, too weak to let it go? I don't think she is; she will have been stronger than me in that regard, but still. I wish I could have made her happy.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us, and all we used to be
I can't get her image out of my head. I can see her now…laughing carelessly as we stopped and alien invasion…sobbing silently as her held her dying father's hand…staring at me with that "Huh?" look. I'd always play dumb to that; I never found out if she knew I did or not.
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
My motto, for eternity, had been, "I don't do domestic." But she had to go and change that, too. Oh, if I had the chance now, I'd buy a house for her, mortgage and all.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
We were so close, so together. We could read each other so well…I wonder if she'll find another who tells her her favorite childhood toy. I know I hope she won't…even though I wish her happiness. Is that selfish? I don't know anymore. All I know is that I loved her.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts, but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
And it was so good while it lasted that it was destined to fall apart. So we'll march on separately, equally, wishing the other were there.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I will never forget, not until my final death. She can't let me go that easily, I know her too well. None could replace her, even if they wanted to. I know Martha does, but…I just can't do this any more. She'll get her heart broken in good time, and mine will stay shattered inside me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
So I'll say farewell, Rose Tyler. One last time, I'll try and make you appear to me. And I'll find the words that caught in my throat before, so that I can end my fantasy in peace.
Goodbye, my lover.
Goodbye, my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
Goodbye, my lover.
Goodbye, my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
Goodbye, my lover.
Goodbye, my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
Thank you so much, my love, for teaching me to feel, to love like a human. But now that I can't feel that sensation anymore, I'm just too empty, and nothing could ever fill a gap this large.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
And…don't forget…I love you.
- end -