Christmas Special #2: A Very Björk Christmas Special

It was a snowy day in Wellington Ohio, and Christmas was just the around the corner. Clementine and Emilie Autumn had just finished setting up the Christmas tree inside their Tudor style home given to them by none other than Cathy Munsch. Wellington was beautiful this time of year, as long as they ignored the frozen dead bodies of the locals in the town.

"Wow, this tree looks great Em'!" Clementine said. They examined the tree in all its glory. Neither of them had seen a tree this iconic. The tree was actually no tree at all, but it was their classic crucified walker, that was so reminiscent that it seemed from another life.

"Another great Christmas is ahead of us." Emilie Autumn smiled. "I'm sure it'll be one that we never forget." Emilie began to hang up the lights on the walker, who tried to bite at her when she wrapped the lights around its body. "Pesky thing!" Emilie sneered. "Trying to bite me huh? Better behave, or Krampus will get you! Like I said, not outside of the bedroom!" It seemed as if the walker stopped trying to bite her after that. He had sad look on his face too, scorned by his love.

"Woof woof!" Clem roared. Emilie lost focus from her walker-lover, and turned to Clementine. Clem sat on all 4's rattling at the door.
"Calm down Clementine!" She pushed past the wolf-kin and looked through the crack in their door. It was still locked incase of another zombie attack (these things happened more often than they liked in Wellington.) It was just Mhail, Clem wasn't fond of him. Mhail The Mailman delivered his first stack of letters to the Clementine-Autumn-Kardashian-Sarah-Mike-Rebecca Residence. Emilie was surprised, he tried to avoid their house since they moved in. Something about being attacked by Clementine in an alleyway.

"What's that?" Clementine howled, she was confused, Emilie held a single letter and it did not look like a bill.

"Why… I don't know. Clementine gather the house, this letter is addressed to us all." She looked up with a coy smile. Clementine ran through the house on all fours to gather the gang.

Clem gathered the residents in the house, one by one. They sat around the dining room table, anxiously awaiting what was in the letter addressed to them.

"Well, what #is it?" Kim Kardashian asked.

"Yeah, open the letter Emilie." Rebecca said.

Emilie sat at the head of the table, and Clementine sat across from her at the other head. Her eyes shot to Kim and Rebecca, and she fired a glare.

"Shut your fatasses up" Emilie spat. "I am on maximum speed right now in opening this letter."

The wax seal shaped in what seemed like purple and yellow tangled spaghetti noodles. Emilie unfolded the authentic papyrus. It felt of a different world, and the ink was so elegant it looked nicer than a majestic gardens. The cursive was the same.

You've got a letter from Björk...

Greetings my wonderful friends, you are cordially invited to an Icelandic Christmas supper on the 25th of December 20XX. We will celebrate the holiday together, as one family, united by fate.

When: 25th of December

Attire: Formal

Food: Good

Weather: Nice

Where: House #12 Reykjavik, Iceland

AND DON'T COME LATE!

Fertility , björk

"Fertility? What the hell is that?" Rebecca said. "Aren't I pregnant enough?" The frown on her face did not fade.

"Björk…" Clementine whispered.

"Oh wait, there's a P.S. on the back."

P.S: MIKE IS NOT INVITED

"Well, I say we have to go. This seems like a totally safe and fine offer." Emilie said.

"Agreed." Clem said.

And that was just the way it was, and they waited for the 25th to come.

"Have you seen my red barrette?" Emilie shouted throughout the house. The date was December 25th, the day had finally arrived. It had felt like no time at all really; the house was dressing for their big trip.

Rebecca wobbled out of her doorway into the hallway. "I was using it to keep my babies from comin' out but if you need it" Emilie gladly retrieved it and turned to her left, a tall mirror. She had an elegant gown, it was a victorian styled casual dress, in greyscale. She was disrupted when Sarah and Clementine emerged from one of the bedrooms. Sarah was wearing a bold deep red velour sweatpants, matched with an equally pink sweatshirt.
"Sarah it's a formal setting" Clementine frowned. She was wearing a ripped flannel and a plaid skirt, it was grass green and perfectly matched her 1980's sketchers. Clementine reached for her glasses and broke them on the ground. "Only noobs wear glasses on Christmas" She had broken Sarah's last pair.

#Kim yelled from her room, "Ready to go?" and stomped towards the group. She wore a dress in the classic vault boy colors.

"Yep! I think we all look formal enough" Emilie lead them out the door. Mike sat on the couch flipping through the channels. At least Family Guy was on.

"Bye…" Mike was wearing his underwear and a classic gold chain necklace. It was an original Claire's. The group had planned on swimming or perhaps sailing to Iceland for their dinner, unsure exactly.

Further on down the road, they saw Cathy in a sparkling black dress along with black gloves and clutch, getting into her limo. But she looked back at the group just before getting in.

"Well don't you guys look good!" Cathy said. "All I had was this 64-million dollar dress I found at forever 21. Got someplace to be?"

"Björk invited to us out to Christmas dinner." Clem said.

"Oh, you too? Why don't we carpool then?" Cathy said.

"Um, well, sure."

The group piled into the limo, and before they knew it they were off. Inside the limo there were soothing lights that oozed a radiant red. There was a line with drinks, and an icebox next to them. Clementine opened the cooler and it was filled with unlimited juice boxes as well. Jackpot. Cathy was living in royalty.

"So, how were you guys planning on getting to Iceland given the current state of the world?" Cathy asked.

"Oh, we were gonna walk!" Emilie laughed. However, Cathy frowned.

"All the way to Iceland?"

"Works every time!" Emilie said.

"Oh dear. Anyways, I'm quite surprised you're friends with my close business associate, Björk. I didn't think we lived in such a small world." Cathy said. Clem was busy fidgeting with the apple juice box that she had found and so rightfully deserved while Cathy talked.

"Neither did we, to be honest." Rebecca said. "Kinda makes me feel important, like one of those big business guys. Or girls."

The limo drove down the road. It was rather comfortable sitting in the back, especially with the bar on reserve like that. The driver signaled his hand upwards, and Cathy put down her drink.

"Oh, it's just about time everybody! Put your seatbelts on and fasten them!" Cathy fastened her seatbelt quickly. "Prepare for takeoff!"

Clementine threw her juice box down, and it exploded inside the limo and went all over everyone. Clementine raced to the seat belt handle, and buckled up. Everyone seemed to do the same without hesitating, with the exception of Rebecca.

"Wait, what?" Rebecca shouted.

"3...2...1...GO!" Cathy shouted.

Rebecca was reaching for the seat belt handle too when she flew from her seat onto the floor.

"Oh jesus hunnies! My pregnant stomach!" She held her stomach as the force of the limo-jet forced her into the floor. The limousine was going faster than any limousine they'd ridden during the apocalypse. Suddenly Rebecca launched to the right and then to the ground again as they all felt the limo take a sharp turn upwards.

Sarah was screaming, her little heart was afraid of Rebecca's giant arms swinging about the limo. Clementine yelled, "Cathy what kind of limo is this?!" All of their eyes were wide open as they were going such a great speed.

Cathy was was texting on her phone though, unphased by the mode of transportation. "This is what real money can buy you, this limousine will fly us straight to Iceland." And just as she finished those words she was smacked in the face by Rebecca's stomach.

"Sorry" She flopped to the ground again, slowly crawling towards her seat. The group felt very uneasy, they were truly commoners. Emilie managed the strength to shield her face with her hands. The g-force was too much for the others to move their arms around much. Rebecca was loose once again and so was Sarah's screaming. She crashed into the ceiling with a loud THUD. Her pregnant stomach fully indenting the wall, leaving a belly-button shaped hole and everything.

"I heard a crack"

Cathy unbuckled "That means we're here." The doorway opened and a rush of icy Icelandic air kissed their skin.

Emilie shuddered, "We are NOT wearing the appropriate clothing!"

Kim was shivering. "Oh my god! My lips are gonna #freeze off!" Luckily she brought gloves for her lips, and she put them on like she was a Mrs. Potatohead doll. "Never know when you're gonna need these!"

"Damn it, I wish I had brought mine that you knitted for me." Rebecca said.

"Let's get going, shall we?" Cathy said.

They all walked down a dirt road towards the row of all the houses in Iceland.

"Björk is in house #...12. Yes?" Emilie said, and Cathy nodded in approval. "Wow. That's the last one. There's only 12 houses in Iceland? What the bloody hell?" Her British accent said.

And so, the group walked their way down to the 12th house in Iceland. It was a rather large house, but was still a house to keep humble about.

Clementine walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. However, it did not ding. It just played one of Björk's songs instead. (The instrumental of Human Behavior)

They were quickly met with an old looking man on the other side of the door. Behind him was a lush, green christmas tree with red and white glass decorations. It looked even better than Clem's and Emilie's walker-on-a-cross.

"You must be the group of people from America! Welcome to Bjork's home." It was a warm sounding man with an Icelandic accent. He was on the older side, older than anyone in the group at least. "My name is Guomund. Björk honey! Your friends are here!"

Björk levitated down the stairs slowly at them. She had on a blue skin tight outfit with gems and had a massive orange wig on. She looked like the way she did in the Crystalline video.

"Hallo!" She said. "Merry Christmas everyone!" She took the coats of all her guests. "Please, follow me to the dining room." The group eagerly followed, thankful for the relief of warm air. They felt instantly comfortable, the place had such an earthy feel to it. Björk led them to a hallway with large double doors. The gang was anxious to see the dining room, as the hallway was huge. She opened the doors and warm red and green light blinded them instantly. Björk's decorating skills were so otherworldly it had temporarily blinded the group.

"I know that smell" A voice from the dining room declared. The haze cleared and Clementine was able to see again, but out of shock she couldn't speak. It was Iggy Azalea! She wore a santa outfit that covered her wolf features. Clem looked around to see more people she recognized. Bob, a… minion! And Trixie, The Trix Bunny! Clem felt as if she would faint. Trixie was translucent, a ghost. Surprisingly though, Bob was not.

"Rheeeeeee" Pepe sat at his own table, a bib barely covering his large body.

"I think we are all here! How merry!" Björk ushered them to their seats. Emilie looked around at the gang, they all were uneasy with the situation suddenly.

"How many more are coming?" Rebecca looked worried. She was already in a defensive position around Sarah, incase one of them lashed at her.

"Just 1 or 2… in Iceland it varies" She smiled as she took a seat at the head of the table. Iggy walked closer to the group, walking past Kim.

"Got some new friends huh?" Azaleas were known to make strange noises when threatened. She clicked her tongue like a bug chirping and locked eyes with Clementine. "I really missed you… Clementine" and with no more warning she lunged right at her.

Clementine was already in a battle position before Iggy had even spoke, but that didn't stop Bjork from freezing Iggy midair. "I said take a seat! It is Christmas and we do not fight here!" Björk stood up and wiggled her nose like on I Dream of Jeanie. All of their weapons ripped through their clothes and launched towards the ceiling. "No more weapons! No more fighting!" Even Emilie's hair was drained of color.

"As I said, we will be one family this year. If any of you fight I will explode all of your heads. Now take a seat and have a drink." Björk let everyone free of her unrelenting grip, and they sighed. "If you act naughty, Gryla will eat you!"

"Gryla?" Sarah questioned. She had been frozen in fear since they entered that dining room, and she was shy even before that.

"Oh yes, little one. Gryla is a monster that lives in the mountains here and eats the kids who are naughty on Christmas! Do you want that to happen to you? I think not!" She shouted.

"She's gonna eat us?" Sarah started crying in her spot.

"Sarah, It's okay. It's not real, it's just a story they tell each other to make kids behave." Clem reassured Sarah, who seemed to calm down a little.

"But how sure are you?" Björk smiled.

Clementine felt out of her element, and weirdly enough… human. It was as if she was a normal 11 year girl with no super powers. Instead of eating with her hands she was told to use forks, and for once… she listened. She was unable to before. Even Rebecca was slim Bjork had taken her pregnancy powers away! Like, she looked really good.

"We bring our first course" Bjork interrupted the silence. The twin doors behind Bjork opened and 3 waiters walked in, all very attractive and blonde. Icelandic probably. They brought 3 trays and spread it out throughout the table, lids still covered. Clementine was amazed at how beautiful the arrangement of foods they brought out was, they evenly spaced it and everything. The murmur at the table got louder, as the food smelled unworldly. "For our first dish, Hrjsahnmoskahe, the traditional Icelandic appetizer. The waiter leaned past clementine to uncover the lid in front of her. It looked like mushed potatoes with a large roast in the center. "Diced mouse and mayonnaise roast."

Clementine's face grew grim. Suddenly, like magic the food flew up from the main dish onto everyone's plates, at the wave of Bjork's finger. "I am not eating this!" Bob yelled in a posh accent, "get this off my plate, bloody hell" Bjork sighed and ignored him.

"Next off, Ynolvoakak2r" it flew onto their plates prematurely. Bjork continued, "Spam covered in rhinoceros beetle juice, it's not a traditional icelandic dish but I know you yankees love spam"

"It's good...I guess." Emilie said. She choked down a fork full of spam, and forced a smile as she chewed on its squishy texture. Bob was sitting right next to Emilie, and he was looking down at his plate, saying nothing. His singular monocle fell from his eye, he had a class of elegance since him and Emilie had last met. "You seem to be doing good…" Emilie said.

He didn't look up from his plate, even after that.

"Of course I am. It's been awhile since we met, got myself together." Bob's entire style of speaking had changed, he had risen from regular minion talk to a Liverpool dialect of english. Bob didn't take a bite, he started to play with his food.

"I miss you." Emilie said. The entire table was pretending they didn't hear what was going on, and even Trixie let out a small giggle.

"You better $hut your mouth, Trixie. I've #ended you once, and I'll end your fat ass again!" Kim shouted.

"I don't appreciate your tone with me, Kimberly. I'm dead because of you! I've stolen your Trix before, and I'll steal it again! It's that simple." Trixie said in a thick Jersey accent.

"Did anyone else try the Wadlkscemf?" Cathy pointed to the third and final platter, roasted squirrel with seasoned rocks marinated in boiled milk.

"It's okay, I guess." Clementine said.

"Well I like it." Iggy smirked. She bit down on a rock and it shattered between her teeth. "It's got quite the crunch to it! Not hard to love it. It's a bit spicy after all, but it's nothing a little water can't fix!" Her thick aussie accent was all the table could hear, and she downed four gallons of water in her spot. "Ahh. Refreshing. A real wolf like me can do things like that." Clementine's face turned red. No one had challenged her wolf like nature in a long time.

"Leave my hun alone! She's more of a wolf than you'll ever be!" Rebecca threw her fork down.

"We can fight if you'd like, I can always use an extra meal." Iggy licked her paper thin lips and her fangs came out.

"That's enough." Bjork said. She flicked her wrist, and everyone's chairs fell over with them in it. "I should remind you that none of you have your powers at the moment, and you'll be feeling that rock in the morning, Iggy." Bjork smiled, it was now time for the traditional icelandic traditions. "Now I wish for you all to stand up, for this is our tradition." Clementine was a little worried, if their tradition was anything like the food. "Now let us all rotate to the seat to our left as we sing the song" Bjork reached out her hands. "Hold hands" Everyone looked around the room holding hands, unsure of what to do or what to sing. Suddenly, Bjork began and they all started rotating.

They turned seats multiple times in a row, "Married to the money introduced her to the stove"

Clementine felt nauseous at all the spinning, but Bjork continued "She my trap queen let her hit the bando, we be countin up watch how far them bands go, we just sellin' dope talking matching lambos" They stopped spinning. "These are your seats!" Clementine noticed she was only one to her left now. "This is a fun tradition that we have sung for many years, it lets us try new foods as well for you eat your neighbors food!" She laughs but stops suddenly.

"Did anyone hear that?" Clementine asked. Bjork looked surprised, Clementine no longer had her powers, and it was odd she still had keen senses.

"Yes… it seems to be a tap at the window. I will investigate… please, all sit, eat, enjoy, sing, dance, cry, laugh, live? Love."

"Live, laugh, love." Emilie put up a peace sign and did a duck face.

"What the hell was that?" Rebecca shouted.

"It is the song. The song of of my people." She whispered icelandically. "Do not disrespect it." Bjork's eyes turned red. But suddenly, the hairs on the back of her neck stood up, and goosebumps traveled.

Something deep in the mountains outside of House #12 on the island of Iceland awoke. Bjork felt its breath, no matter how many miles it was away. From that distance, Bjork felt every step it took. They were coming.. Bjork's eyes shot to one side of the shack and then another.

"They're coming." Bjork said.

"Who's coming?" Clementine inquired, Bjork didn't lock eyes with anyone, she was immediately shuffling through her things.

"The 15 Yule Lads…" She turned around and was holding many planks of wood. No one knew why Bjork stored them there, until now. "Now, usually they do not come... but there is a strong energy here. Luckily we have these planks, now please, board up the windows with me."