There's a Rather Large Explosion Happening In Your Bedroom, Prongs. And It Isn't Sexual, I'm Afraid.
There's a (Black) Hole in Your Bedroom, Dear Jamesie, Dear Jamesie…
AN: Hello my lovely readers! I hope you like this little one-shot I've done. It's very, very silly, but I think you should be ok with that. Right chaps? Good-oh! Carry on!
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"Sirius! What the hell?"
Sirius turned around, looking as innocent as a boy standing next to a black hole can look.
"Oh, hullo Prongsie! Want to stick things in the black hole I've made?"
James stared at his friend, and then ran a hand through his hair, unable to speak.
"I'm not entirely sure where they go." said Sirius musingly, looking at the black hole in the middle of James' bed as if it was a particularly interesting squid (Sirius liked squids).
James pulled his hand through his hair again, making it stick up in little peaks and horns. His glasses had fogged up, presumably from the steam that was coming out of his ears.
"Is there a particular reason you decided to set up a black hole in the middle of my bed, Sirius? Is there? Is there?"
Sirius turned to look at James, surprised at the heights his vocal chords were apparently able to reach, and pondered whether or not his best friend had nads.
"Well, sure. I don't do things like this just because I can. It was a highly scientific experiment."
James nodded, looking as though he highly doubted it. "Uh huh? What were you experimenting?"
Sirius looked at the wall, hoping for inspiration. Unfortunately, the wall stayed blank and decided not to be obliging and spell out something like 'whether or not a black hole is truly visible beyond its event horizon. It's for astrology.'
Instead he had to come up with something of his own, so Sirius, who had never been very good with excuses, said innocently "whether or not hippos would fit in a black hole if it was in your bed?"
James blinked.
"It's for astrology." Sirius added helpfully.
James made a noise in the back of his throat, and sat down on the floor.
The black hole spun lazily in the midst of James' bed things, inevitably sucking up his lucky boxers and a sock which looked like a particularly matured piece of cheese.
"My jammy boxers!" James yelled, flailing madly at Sirius as if he could scare him with his impressions of an epileptic squid. Sirius shook his head at James' antics. Prongs should know by now that all squids were fine with him.
"My only sock!" James added, glaring at Sirius as he decided to imitate a rather angry carrot.
Sirius smiled winningly at him and as James went to grab him (presumably to inflict damage upon various parts of Sirius' anatomy in payment for the loss of speshul clothes), he bounced up, making a break for the door.
"Well, I wouldn't want you to overexert yourself, Prongsie, so I'm not going to let you dent me just yet, hey?"
James made a noise not entirely unlike a bull's mating cry, and, sensing impending violence, Sirius sprinted out of their dormitory, cackling a little as he thought of the look on Little Ol' Jamesie's face. Classic.
He skidded to a stop in the Common Room, wondering idly whether he should go and hide or just throw things at James from behind the couch until he got bored.
He settled on the throwing of things, seeing as James had already galloped down the stairs and looked highly incapable of forgiveness or, in fact, any pity whatsoever.
Grabbing a startled Lily for use as a shield, Sirius manoeuvred his way over to the couch in the corner of the room, watching James cautiously as he did so.
James' eyes narrowed, and he began to stride over to the couch. Lily pulled herself out of Sirius' grip, muttering viciously about cowards unwilling to fight their own battles.
Sirius put his hands up imploringly. "Prongsie! You're not going to overexert yourself, are you? You know that I'm worried for your health!"
James' eyes narrowed even narrowererer, if that was possible. He looked like a cat with conjunctivitis.
"If you were worried for my health, Padfoot, you wouldn't stick a great big explosion in my bed that wasn't sexual!"
Sirius grinned innocently, and then ducked behind the couch as James swung his fist around. It hit the couch with an almighty thamp! and Sirius chewed on his lip, wondering if James would blame him for his broken knuckles.
Probably. He liked to blame Sirius for things that were quite obviously not his fault. Like that time the Spellotape™ monster viciously sticky-taped James' entire collection of Lily-stalker-photos. Alright, so technically Sirius was responsible, seeing as he'd bought the Spellotape™ monster to life in the first place. But James hadn't known that for sure.
Sirius looked over at James, who was breathing heavily and seemed to have decided that sitting down was a better idea.
"So…" Sirius said curiously, popping his head cautiously over the top of the couch, and watching James to see if he wouldn't launch himself headfirst at Sirius in a misguided attempt to brain him. Misguided because everybody knows that Sirius Black has a head made up predominately of concrete and it is therefore impossible to brain him with anything less than a sack full of diamonds.
"I think it would be interesting to hear an explanation as to how you managed to set up a black hole in my bedroom that has eaten my special things, Sirius Black."
Remus snorted, not looking up from his book.
When Sirius and James turned to glare at him simultaneously, he shrugged, grinning, and said something that sounded like 'hamster's are too a food group!' but was probably really "sorry, chaps. I plead temporary insanity." Although if that was truly the case, the hamsters could have worked just as well.
Sirius reflected briefly on whether or not it had been intelligent to set up said black hole. It had seemed like a pretty cool idea at the time. Actually, no, he was still pretty sure that it was an awesome idea, and he would stand by it.
"Well, I'm not entirely sure," Sirius hedged, wondering, as James glared at him from the floor, if it would be a smarter idea to run out into the grounds and not come back until James got over the little mishap. "I think it had something to do with the spell I got from that book I found in that place I went to that time."
Remus, James and Lily all stared at him, seemingly a bit confused. Sirius had no idea why. He had just explained it perfectly and rather explicitly, he thought. Nevertheless, there was no accounting for some people's stupidity.
He heaved a heavy sigh and twirled a lock of hair around his finger.
"What on earth do you mean?" James asked, Lily and Remus still gaping at him.
Peter, who had previously been completely ignorable and wasn't even supposed to turn up, piped up from his position under the couch cushions where James and Sirius had stuffed him earlier that morning.
"I think he means the blackus holus getus your arseus overus hereus spell, from The Great Big Book of Incredibly Stupid Spells with Slightly Non-Latin Sounding Names which he found in the oak stump in the forbidden forest when we were all there last month because of Moony's furry little problem, at which point I seem to recall he said something along the lines of 'hey, look, it's a spell to make black holes appear! I'm going to set one up in James' bed in three and a half weeks, and no one will know it was me!' while jumping up and down on the spot and giving us all purple nurples."
Sirius grinned, pushing Peter back under the cushions with one hand as he gesticulated enthusiastically at James with the other. Peter made burbling noises as the couch sucked him into its cushions, and then disappeared, only to return two weeks later gibbering madly about The Couch Beasts and covered in two pence pieces and dust bunnies which refused to un-stick themselves.
"Exactly as little Petey Weetey here says. Now, let's go stick things in it!"
James strode purposefully over to Sirius, picked him up in a fireman's lift before he could say anything more than 'remember the exertion, Prongs!' and, groaning a little under his weight, walked him over to the stairs, grabbed Alice's passing cat (Beauregard) and stuffed it into Sirius' mouth.
While Sirius spluttered ineffectually, James stuffed him in the laundry basket headfirst, while Remus and Lily looked on in mild interest. After spitting out a mouthful of cat, Sirius gave a cry of happiness.
"Hey, Jamesie!" he yelled, rummaging through the things in the basket, "I've found out where the stuff in the black hole goes!"
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AN: So, what d'you think? You wanna tell me? That'd be cool. Click the review button. It takes you to another DIMENSHUN!