It had been all I could think about on the drive back to Scranton. But now that I was here, outside her house, the... seriousness of it was overwhelming. I'd asked Pam Beesly on a dinner date. And she'd said yes. And here I was. About to ring the doorbell. Any minute now.
"Come on, Halpert," I chastised myself, "Just do it. One little button and your world changes completely." I closed my eyes as if bracing for an explosion, and chimed the doorbell. The sound of light dainty footsteps approached from the other side. Right before the door swung open I schooled my features to conceal my nerves.
"Hey," I said grinning, "You ready?" Pam nodded eagerly from the doorway.
"Sure! Let me just..." As she turned to lock it behind her, I took the opportunity to drink her in.
She looked amazing. Her hair was pulled back by a shiny blue barrette with its' familiar curls and frizzes. She wore a light pink button up blouse under her light blue jacket. The skirt was a much darker blue that ended a little below her knee and fluttered as she moved. Her shoes were those comfortable flats she liked when she didn't wear her tennis sneakers. No stockings, which attracted my gaze to her silky smooth skin. I loved it. It was classic Pam. She never allowed herself anything flashier; she hadn't quite broken out of the 'Roy might call me a slut' mindset yet.
"Ready," Pam announced as she put her keys away in her purse. I snapped out of my daze.
"Good, good. Uh, let's go then." We walked to my car without a word. She only spoke once we got on the road.
"Where are you taking me?"
"The best restaurant in town."
"If you say Chili's or Hooter's—"
"Oh you will be pleasantly surprised if that's what you consider the height of Scranton dining."
I looked up over my menu. Pam was fiddling with her napkin absently, apparently lost in thought.
"Uh, you decided already?" I asked. She started, glancing at me with wide eyes before ducking her head. She grabbed the menu to cover her now blushing face.
"Sorry," She said, "I guess I haven't been out much. Roy always used to order for me and it kinda lost the appeal." My gaze flickered downwards at the mention of her ex-fiance.
"What would he usually get for you?" Pam shrugged again, still not letting me see her face.
"Salads mostly." I read between the lines: He didn't want me to get fat.
"Well, uh, you can have anything you want. I'm buying." I slipped that last bit in for a reason. I wanted to heavily imply this was a date, even if she hadn't exactly agreed to it. I'd pretty much strong-armed her at the office, adding that 'it's a date' before she could say anything. Oh God, now I felt like Roy.
We sat in silence, ostensibly choosing our meals. In reality I was trying to find a way to bring up the whole 'date' issue, and she was probably kicking herself for the menu thing. It was totally awkward. Definitely first date material.
The waiter finally arrived to take our orders in his bored monotone. I ordered a burger and fries (classy, right) and Pam ordered filet of fish. Once he left, we were back to square one: avoiding each other's eyes.
Deciding to take a leap, I leaned over the table slightly and said, "Look, this doesn't have to be a real date if you don't want it to be. I just thought it'd be nice, but I'm realizing I didn't give you much of a choice, and if that makes you uncomfortable—"
"Oh, no Jim!" She interrupted my rambling. "It's fine. I-I'd love this to be a date."
"Really?" I asked, skeptical at her stuttering hesitance. Pam nodded slowly as if really considering it.
"Yeah, I think so." A sigh of relief escaped me, and I beamed at her. She returned it, showing off those beautiful white teeth of hers, and all the awkwardness faded away.
"So what happened in New York?" She asked. Not in a jealous or bitter way either, more like curious and supportive. I decided to tell the truth.
"I had an epiphany. I realized that everything I was doing there was... wrong." Now it was her turn to read between the lines: I belong here, with you, and no one else. Judging by her smile, she got the gist.
We were giggling when we reached the front door. Our laughter subsided as we both realized we were back in that awkward date atmosphere. I stared at her and she stared at me.
"I should probably head inside," She said but made no move to go.
"Yeah, it's getting late, I'd better go home too," I told her without any intention to leave. We stood like that for a few more empty seconds. My gaze fell to her mouth. I think in that moment everything besides Pam's face ceased to exist for me.
"I really want to kiss you," I whispered. I watched those lips form my name, and looked up into her eyes. I was forcibly reminded of our last kiss, when that murmur had meant rejection. Was that going to happen again tonight? All the old insecurities came rushing back: how she would always think of me only as her friend, how she would always love Roy more than me, how she was so out of my league and what was I even thinking trying to date her. It felt like there was this barrier between us growing every second nothing happened. Honestly, I was too afraid to push it tonight. I think she noticed that.
Pam raised her hand slowly and deliberately, and I didn't stop wondering what she was doing even after she placed it on the center of my chest. Could she feel my heartbeat?
"If you start talking about the value of our friendship," I said desperately, "I'm pretty sure I'll die right here. Just spontaneously combust, you know?" Something like regret or sympathy or, God, pity twisted her face, and I prepared for the worst.
Taking a deep steadying breath, she confessed, "Casino Night was," Her voice cracked, "the best kiss of my life." A shaky smile grew on her face and as she laughed a tear trailed down her cheek. She brushed it away immediately with her other hand. "I spent most of my life with this guy I thought I loved and the most romantic, emotional experience I've ever had is with my best friend! Isn't that sad?"
"I sincerely hope not, Beesly," I told her huskily, hardly paying attention to my words I was so blown away, "'Cause it was the best of mine too." Her hand slid to rest on my shoulder, and that was apparently the last cue I needed. I leant down and our lips met in a sensuous kiss that had me reeling. Her fingers were playing around my collar and driving me crazy. One hand tangled in her hair while the other around her waist pulled her even closer. I tried to be extremely gentle and unhurried, because this was Pam and she was too precious to scare away. But I'm pretty sure I failed, because this was Pam and I'd wanted her so much for so long.
Finally she broke away with a breathless little laugh. I brushed my hand through her hair, reverently surveying her features. I mean, I had the love of my life in my arms and it seemed a disservice to all those years of pining to be so happy now. Her grin was infectious however and I soon caught it.
"Um," She looked towards her house and gave another adorable chuckle, "Do you wanna come inside?"
I opened my mouth, hesitated, and said, "Pam, if I go in, there's a good chance I'm never gonna wanna leave."
"Sounds like a win-win-win situation then," She said with a sweet smile. She finally stepped out of my embrace, having apparently realized something. She added quickly, "I don't mean we should have sex."
"Right! Of course!"
"'Cause, you know, it's our first date and that would be kinda trashy."
"Yeah, yeah, totally!"
"But, um, coffee, or something."
"Yeah..." I trailed off at the uncertain expression she wore. It was the passive-Pam Roy had created, who thought that not doing anything a man asked would make him abandon her. Clearing my throat, I suggested, "We can catch up. Like we should've as soon as I came back. We'll take it slow. Talk, that's all." She mumbled something. "What?"
"I said I thought you didn't like talking." The Karen thing, right.
"Beesly, I'd stay up talking with you every night if it wouldn't physically drive me insane."
AN: Okay, I love the angle of Pam where she's been emotionally abused by her ex-fiance. All those moments when he treated her like shit would have to impact her self-esteem greatly. Also in that vein, I drew from the episodes "The Coup" where that look on her face when Roy walked in on her skimpy new outfit and she decided to take it back, and "The Negotiation" when Jim says her and Roy will probably get back together again. Also the talking bit is from "The Return" I think. Obviously this takes place directly after "The Job".