Author's Note:
A fic about Goku having a bad day. Well, day or week... doesn't matter. Mucho angst and just a bit of SanzoxGoku in there.

Disclaimer:
If I owned Saiyuki, I would be one of the characters and in the story, Sanzo & I were in love. One could only wish! :þ




Have you ever had a series of bad days that went on almost forever and all you want is for the phase to end? How many times has the thought "how much more worse could this get" crossed your mind? Just when you think that today has appeared to be normal, a much happier one compared to a few days before, someone throws a grenade at your direction and BOOM! there it goes again. I suppose it's some sick cycle everybody will have to go through at least twice a year. Well, that's just according to my observation of my own roller coaster of a life.


It's funny; I tend to think that 'oh, looks like the year is coming to an end I wouldn't have to experience all that pain until probably/hopefully next year'. Trust me it has occurred a couple of times already. Heck, kind of makes you appreciate happiness all the more isn't it?


As I stood there, waiting in line at the information counter, I reviewed the last couple of crappy days that'd gone by. The red-haired guy in front of me was taking a rather long time enquiring some details from the receptionist but I didn't quite mind it. I wasn't in a rush to get back home. It was one of those days. You know, the one where you think everywhere around you is beautiful, a picturesque out of a dream, but you're just moments before stepping on a very well hidden mine... you'd never expect it!


Maybe I'm exaggerating, but that's how I feel. That's what I think life really is all about. One big drama filled with surprises you don't need. Why can't things be blither? No troubles, no double standards, no need to explain why but just because. Just like that redhead in front of me. He seems to not give a damn about who thinks what. I wish I could be more like that. Look as though I have the world in my hands. Like I have it all. Well, I used to... until a certain someone put the light in my cheery heart out. Dampened my spirits, took my main reason for living away from me.


He didn't take it away from me, but just... told me it was about time I grew up. It is about time anyway. I'll be 21 in a couple of weeks, some people say it's the age where you're not referred to as a child, but as an adult. I wonder if that would make any difference. I've always been treated as a delinquent juvenile. That's because I love to be a child. I never wanted to grow up. That's who I am. Childish, optimistic, full of joie de vivre. Why can't I just be who I am? Is it really a big deal? Why do I have to put on a show, a façade, just so that everyone would only then accept me for who I am? Isn't THAT being a hypocrite?


Everything was going fine that day actually. The misunderstanding I had with my so-called love, on two separate occasions but during the same 'phase', has somewhat ended. Maybe it was just me, I thought to myself. I was sick and tired of tolerating everyone else's nonsense, as I wasn't getting the good end of the deal. I knew that if I'd voiced out my opinion, nothing good was going to come out of it. But I went along with it. Every word I said, every thought that came to mind just before I said it, the little angel sitting on my shoulder told me was a bad idea. Did I listen? No, of course not! Otherwise, would I be here telling you my story? Didn't think so.


There were days spent as though we had a cold war going on at home. I didn't allow eye contact with him. It was difficult, trying not to look or speak to him when we were in the same room. I did try though, as I was feeling a little guilty at some of the things I'd said, but only to be snapped back at. Leaving you speechless. Nothing to defend yourself with. Remembering his harsh words still hurt. No matter how much I try to please him, he never seemed to be contented at all.


Perhaps I shouldn't give a damn anymore. The amount of pride he has. Conceited, self-righteous bastard. I wish I could shove him into a washing machine and cleanse his system. But if I did that, then I would've lost the main reason why I loved him in the first place. I thought it was my mission in this life to bring back the spirits of a grumpy 26-year-old man like him. When is he ever gonna learn to forget the past. I have. That's because I found him. He's the sun in my previously disconsolate world. And I always assumed he would feel the same way towards me.


As I let out a sigh, thinking about the little stage I've been going through, thinking it was probably over for now; I decided to give him a call. I needed a ride home as it had started to drizzle. Rain was never a good thing. By no means was and will in no way be. My good friend whom I'd usually carpool with was ill. She couldn't attend classes that day. I would've preferred to walk home but I didn't want to catch a cold. Not when the finals were just around the corner. I waited for the person on other end of my cell phone to answer and then almost choking on my own saliva I said, "Hello, Sanzo? Can I get a ride home? Are you free at the moment?"


He was pretty busy with work, as he had to go to the opposite direction from where I was. I thought I'd make his life easier, so I told him not to bother, as I would take the bus instead. I had it all planned in that instant to take the bus that coincidently stops directly in front of a shopping mall. Thought I'd browse the shops and perhaps buy some food. All that thinking had made me hungry. Then when he was done with his business, he could pick me up from there, which was much more convenient for him. What a way to start the end of a bad phase, I thought to myself with a smile.


Now, hold it right there! It was obviously all too good to be true. Sanzo started yelling at me. And for what reason should such another catastrophe fall upon me? I asked myself. He thought I was too impatient to wait for him. That I was planning to take the bus home instead. I mean, what was the big deal anyways? Would it make a difference if I had gone home by myself without telling him in the first place? I wasn't a small child anymore. I could take care of myself. Even before he came into my life and supposedly saved my ass.


All I could do was stand there, in the middle of the crowd... second person in line, having the words 'what the fuck?' going through my mind. All I could do was silently listen to him as he continued, blinking owlishly... in disbelief. What is he, having PMS? Hoping no one nearby could him from my phone; I tried to calmly tell him that I'll just wait for him here, at the payment center, but he mumbled some curses, said he was on his way that instant and hung up angrily.


Now, what do you think crosses a person's mind at that very moment? I was frustrated, angry, on the verge of tearing and also guilty for the fact that he was coming out of his way and there's nothing I could do to stop him. Trying my very best to hold back the tears slowly welling up in my eyes, my whole face flushed with misery... it was my turn in the queue. What am I gonna do? Should I call him back? Maybe he didn't understand.



"Good afternoon sir. How may I help you?" the brunette standing behind the counter smiled in the most pleasant way, I wished I was in a better state to reply his cheerful well rehearsed greeting.

"Uh... could I have a... bills", as I pointed at the number dispenser. I wanted to pay for my cell phone bill and needed a number. The guy behind the counter reaches for the correct button and presses it, waiting for the machine to give him a small chit.

God, how could he misunderstand a small thing like that? I can't take anymore of his mood swings and his bellowing and his... his...

"Anou... sumimasen. Are you alright? You look a little sad." Emerald eyes frowned in my direction worriedly. I felt like breaking down there and then.

A little? If only you knew how much a little really is. "Oh, no... no! Of course not," chuckling in between.


I unclenched my fists to accept the piece of paper I had requested. I smiled at the man behind the counter. He smiled back at me as I thanked him. Still smiling, a smile which hopefully said how could you have even thought that, I walked towards the waiting area. I sat on the chairs available and looked down at my palms. The pressure from my nails made deep impressions, almost breaking the skin on my palms to bleed. I looked up and sighed, praying that there is an end to this. I still have to face the wrath of my lavender-eyed beauty.


How can I even think he's beautiful after all the shit he put me through?



***



I sat down as quietly as I could when I got into his car. I didn't look at him, nor did I say a word. Sitting there in agonizing silence, I stared at the passing cars along the highway [1]. Were going to have to go through this all the way home? I wanted to ask him what the fuck his problem was. Why does he always criticize what I say, what I do. Why do we always get into fights over the smallest issues? Why do I always have to give in, in order for us to get along? Just thinking about how unfair he is makes me all furious. I don't need to take his shit. But... but... I still love him. I love him so much, it breaks my heart. God, I don't want to cry in front of him. Not here, not now, not li-


"I'm sorry," the words came from a low coarse voice. "Goku, I'm sorry."

"What?" Did I hear him right? I looked up at him, tears streaming down my face. My heart started beating faster, a big lump forming in my throat. He swerved the car to the left and stopped on the emergency lane. Faint sounds of cars horning could be heard in the background, but neither of us gave more than two seconds of thought for it.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you. I'm sorry I've been such a bastard lately." He turned to look toward me, cupping my face in his hands. Sanzo wiped the long streaks of wetness with his thumbs and then placed two soft kisses upon my eyelids. He whispered, "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to make you cry."

"Oh, Sanzo..." I buried my head into the blonde man's chest and wept some more. All the anger, all the pain, whatever hatred I felt for him vanished. He pulled me closer into his arms and hugged me tightly.



Now I remember why could never fall out of love for this being. This beautiful man who had saved me the day I thought would be my last. The moment of that day I bid the cruel world goodbye as I was about to take the leap of death off the bridge and hopefully drown in the rough underwater currents of the river. He had stood there on the ledge with me saying that he wanted to kill himself too. That he was fed up with the world so he guessed committing suicide was a good solution.


"Ah, life just sucks doesn't it? Why bother living just because life's hard on us. Why should we make an effort if things aren't easy, eh? Every time I screw up, I wanna kill myself. Every time I have a bad hair day, I wanna kill myself. Imagine the number of times I've wanted to jump off this bridge over the stupidest things. Come, let's jump together. At least we have each other's company on the way down." He said to me with a smirk. Holding his hand out for me to take.


What the hell was he trying to do, I had wondered then. Who in God's name did he think he was anyway? When he'd put it that way, I suddenly felt the urge to prove him wrong. And as they say, the rest was history. New life, new purpose, new love.



I looked up at him again, all teary eyed and stammered my heartache confession to him. "I-I love you Sanzo. I love y-you. Why did you have to put me through all of this? You know I can't take you torturing me like this. If I ever said anything wrong, it's... it's because I'm still a child. And to you I'll always be a child. But sometimes I also want to be treated as an adult. I don't know... I just-"


Sanzo placed one long finger gently against my lips. "Shhh... I love you too Goku. Now quit crying or you'll never hear me utter those three words again... bakasaru..."



Sanzo replaced his finger with his own lips upon mine. My eyes fluttered close as he kissed me ever so tenderly. His lips softly enveloping more of mine each time he moved in closer. His hand moved around in comforting circles at the small of my back. The other buried deep within my thick strands of brown. I could have melted in his arms then and there. He left a trial of little pecks from the corner of my mouth to my cheek before resting his forehead against mine. I felt like drowning in the pools of amethyst that I was now staring at.



"Let's go back home, shall we?" he said rhetorically. I just nodded and moved back to sit properly, smiling once again.

"Oh, but Sanzo, could we please stop by the food shop. I'm really hungry!" My stomach growled as if on cue.





End.





[1] How did we get onto the highway so quickly? Let's pretend that Sanzo had been driving for a while now and also where they were was quite close to it.




Author's Note:

Gah! This wasn't suppose to be a shounen-ai/yaoi fic. It was just suppose to be Goku angsting away. Oh well, I couldn't resist the temptation of writing someone kissing Sanzo *drools*.

Did you notice the wee parts where Gojyo & Hakkai supposedly appeared?




***only read this part if you want to***
I have a theory. Whenever you go through one of these phases, I think the only reason why it's unpleasant is because it's worse than what it was before. I mean, every time this phase occurs it's either about some matter we haven't experienced... a problem that isn't to our liking... or just a more upsetting version of what you might've already been through. So, if I were to have a somewhat same scenario repeated a couple of months later, I'd be able to handle it more maturely to avoid further anguish. Like learning from your mistakes to an extent, helps strengthen your tolerance level as well.


There are lots more dreadful experiences out there as we grow older. We'll have to deal with all sorts of characters, more difficult situations and at one point making the most important decision of your life. Therefore, as strange as you may think it is, I'm sort of eager to know what the next bad phase is in store for me. Gives a whole new meaning to the word happiness after every bad phase... without fail! :)



Review pls? Thanks!