So, how many years has it been since I last wrote anything? Two? Three? Well, it so happens that I planned this story about a week before Carnival but life has been so busy and complicated that I had like zero time to write anything. I'm back now with this story and I'm not sure about when I'll be writing again, it depends on my schedule. But, if you are kind enough to leave me reviews I will considerate writing another story I've had in mind for nearly a month and posting it as soon as I can.
Anyways, this story is placed between 4X22 and 4X23 and it's a bit Au-ish but I think it's done pretty good. Once again, I'll warn you that this contains dark themes, so do not read if you're not comfortable with it.
"You never realize death until you realize love."-Katharine Butler Hathaway
"The strongest people come breaking down the furthest."
It had only been three weeks yet so much had happened. She had gone from having all the answers to having none. Her life had gone from hard to nearly impossible and she didn't know how long she could take before breaking down completely. Nobody knew her secrets, the deepest ones, the ones that were slowly killing her inside. She felt like she could no longer be saved, so she didn't confide in anyone about everything that was wrong with her life. In her eyes, she had lost everything that mattered and even though it wasn't the whole truth, it was her truth.
Toby, her friends, even Caleb and Paige were worried about her. They had asked her what was wrong countless times, but she blamed it on lack of sleep. They noticed that she was crumbling and they all tried to help, but she wouldn't let anybody in. She had been so used to it during childhood that she didn't even bother. She skipped school many times, always with a different excuse and since her parents were never home, they had no clue of what was happening.
She had been taking the pills Andrew gave her for three weeks now and they did not help to ease her stressful, sleepless state. The pills actually were guilty about her sleepless nights because they gave her energy, much like caffeine and kept her awake all night. Soon she was adding calmatives to the list of drugs, this not counting alcohol that had become her best friend. The effect of both drugs combined caused her sickly appearance and many pains on her body, such as stomachache and the most common, headache. But what was the reason whys she was using all this drugs, risking destroying herself?
Well, it happens that even though Spencer was tired, malnourished, dehydrated and extra-stressed, she was still smart, maybe even too smart for her own good. She had found out many clues in Alison's journal about who –A might be and after an awkward encounter with Ezra Fitz in the bistro Alison used to meet her once lover, she had been almost convinced. After that, she started taking the drugs and found out many more clues and evidences that Ezra was the cold, heartless and backstabbing person that had stalked her and her friends for nearly three years and caused more deaths than she could ever imagine.
She had told Hanna and Emily her theory and they had believed her, but when she was about to tell Aria, Ezra had intervened and told her friends about her drug problems and they no longer believed her. She had been furious and even more determinate to get their trust, but it so happened that Ezra Fitz was not –A, he was only a creepy reporter that was writing a book about their lives. This was the breaking point when Aria, who had found out the truth about him, had crumpled down but she still did not want to talk to Spencer. Once again, Spencer went from having all the answers to having none.
After this discovery, things had gotten better. Toby had come back from yet another job and they had made up. Her friends soon started believing her again, but they still worried. And God knows they were right to. However, their worry wasn't enough because it still didn't make them see the truth.
During all this time, Spencer had stood still, fighting to survive in this cruel, unfair world. She had overcome almost all the obstacles, even when the worst happened. She had not let –A or Ezra break her, at least until now.
She stands in the bathroom, her face is sickly and pale just like they had been for the past few weeks. Her eyes are bloodshot red and there are huge circles under them from the lack of sleep. She thinks to herself why had she made that terrible decision, why did she decide to destroy herself in order to get answers? The answer is quite simple: Because she was desperate. If there's one thing that's capable of shooting down all rational thoughts from someone's mind it is desperation. When you're desperate, you don't think about the consequences of your actions, you only look for a way out of the pain and the suffering.
Her shaking, white hands grab the knife tightly and she closes her eyes, praying that maybe, just maybe someone will walk in and stop her from doing this. But no one came. After three minutes of listening to her friends talking about their enemy who they still didn't know the identity, she gave up. There was no saving her now. She might even go to hell, but she was not staying in this world anymore. The knife cut her wrists deeply and painfully, but she was glad for the physical pain, it was so much better than the emotional pain. As the knife stung to her other wrist, she was invaded by flashbacks of everything that had happened to her life that lead her to become weak, to become lost.
She watched as Toby spoke with the mechanic on the other side of the phone. She had been sick worried because he had almost died recently and all because of her. Well,, because of –A. She started fidgeting with the small silver bracelet that her parents had given her many years previous.
Once she heard Toby saying goodbye, she turned her eyes to him. He was such an wonderful person, kind, gently and strong at the same time. He was the only one who truly understood her, who truly knew how she was feeling. She trusted him with her life, but she feared that because of –A ho could be taken away from her at any minute.
"What did the mechanic say?"She asked, trying to put the fear out of her voice. He couldn't know that she was afraid or he'd start suspecting something was going on. If there was one thing that she learned ever since –A started torturing her was that the truth hurt. Really bad.
"The break flow was low." His voice showed only confusion. Her eyes widened and she could no longer control her anger at the monster that had almost killed her Toby.
"What? How did that even happen? I mean, you treat your truck like it's your baby." She was hyperventilation on inside and she prayed that he couldn't see just how startled she was.
"The break lawn was severed. There's probably something that needs to be worked."Her eyes closed briefly as she tried to calm herself down.
"You were just lucky you weren't on the hallway."Her voice shook and he noticed. So he did what he was best at, he tried to distract her. Smiling suddenly, he got up from the bed he was previously sitting and walked towards her
"If we had a real baby, what would it look like?"He asked with a goof smile as he wrapped his arms around her. She embraced him back and some of the tension left her as she answered.
"I'm picturing a new born with…a six-pack!"She said jokingly and they both started laughing. The image was clear on her mind, though.
What was really ironic was that, not even a year later, their so funny joke actually happened.
About a month after their reunion on the motel, Spencer started to get suspicious that something was wrong with her. So, she made the decision to buy a pregnancy test even though she was sure that she wasn't pregnant. She couldn't be.
Once she exited the store, using a grey hood to prevent anyone she knew to seeing her, she went home with the pregnancy test on her hands. While driving, she tried to convince herself that it was only the flu, she was in no ways pregnant because she and Toby had always been careful. Or had they? Panic rose when she thought about their time on the motel, but she still managed to convince herself otherwise.
Only when she stood in the bathroom with that stupid test in front of her, reading clearly POSITIVE, she realized their mistake. Their night of passion had resulted in this. A baby. A small, living being was created and it was inside her. Even though, she was terrified, she would never be able to kill it, not without carrying the guilty conscience of her actions for the rest of her life. So she decided to go along with it.
Two months passed and she still hadn't told Toby or her friends. Nobody knew her secret and since she was barely showing, they wouldn't know yet. But then, somehow, -A found out. They threatened her about telling Toby, but before they could, the baby was gone. No, she hadn't killed it. She had lost it. Because of all the stress that was going on in her life, Spencer started feeling pains on her abdomen and one night she woke up to so much blood she spent hours throwing up on the bathroom. On her next visit to the doctor, they told her she was no longer pregnant.
That was when she started breaking down. No matter how afraid she was or how she had never wanted children, she loved her baby so much that it killed her to have it gone. And that was when she made the decision to unmask –A and take them down because if she was gonna break, she would take –A with her. That was the least she could do.
Toby and the girls never came to know about her pregnancy and everything went amazingly right. Oh, yes. That's what should have happened but no. Not even a week later after her loss, Spencer was already taking pills to help her figure out who –A is and her world started falling apart.
"No, Hanna. I think you're wrong."Emily argued in the living room. They were once again having a discussion about who was –A. Because they now knew Alison was alive, the girls were trying to do the one thing that could possibly bring their best friend back to rosewood: Finding out who was their enemy.
"But Em, Spencer said that he has camera all around the town. Why would he record every minute of our lives if he was only writing a novel?"Emily shook her head in desperation.
"Ezra is not –a, Han, but he can't be trusted either."Aria said from her spot on the couch. She was tangled in a tight blanket because of the cold. Hanna and Emily glanced sympathetically at her. She had been broken by the person she loved the most and yet she was still here, helping them figure everything out.
"Well, then who the hell is it because I'm starting to get impatient! We've been having this conversation for weeks and we have nothing!"Hanna exclaimed. She always let the anger get the best of her in situations like this, unlike Emily, who was calm and collected.
"I don't know."Emily said and she sighed in desperation and tiredness. They were just so damn tired of trying to solve this out. As if on cue, three phones beeped with a new message.
"If you want to figure out who I am, think again. I'm always watching and I know everything. Good luck in your search, bitches. –A" Hanna read aloud. Nothing like –A to ruin someone's self esteem.
"I'm going to call Spencer. If we want to figure this out, we're gonna need her help."Emily said and she walked towards the bathroom. Hanna sat on the couch with Aria and they stared at the fireplace in the Hastings mansion.
"Spence?"Emily called while she knocked on the door. No answer came from the other side and she started feeling a little uneasy. "Spencer?"Once again, there was no answer. That's when Emily thought that something was terribly wrong. She turned back to the other two with fear in her eyes. "What do I do?"Emily asked and instead of answering, Hanna got up and she started banging on the bathroom door. It wouldn't open and they realized that it was locked. Oh oh. What now?
Emily walked around the house looking for a key to the bathroom while Hanna kept banging on the door and calling Spencer. The bathroom was as quiet as a mouse and the three best friends feared for the browned haired beauty inside it. Finally, Emily founded a bunch of keys in Spencer's father office and they tried them until the third one opened the door.
Nothing could have prepared Emily and Hanna to the sight in front of them. Spencer was lying on the ground with her white shirt becoming red and a knife landed closely to her right hand. There was no need to ask what had happened, it was as clear as water but they still wanted to believe that it hadn't happened. They couldn't even start to think of why Spencer would kill herself. She was broken, sure, they all were. But they would never expect such a strong person to be broken so much that she would decide to kill herself.
"Oh My God!"Both girls screamed and Emily instantly kneeled besides Spencer while Hanna stood there frozen in shock. No, no , no, no. This could not be happening.
"Spencer!"Emily whisper-screamed while she tried to awake their best friend. But it was no use. Before despair took over her completely, Emily lay down on Spencer's chest and she breathed in relief when she could feel a heart-beat. It was weak, it was forced, but it was a heart-beat. It was the proof that Spencer was still alive though clearly damaged.
"is she…"Hanna asked through tears, her voice weak and hoarse. She didn't even need to finish the phrase because Emily already knew what she was gonna say.
"She's still breathing, but it's really weak."Emily's eyes paused to look better at Spencer. The girl's face was sickly and pale and there was so much blood around her. "We need to call an ambulance."
"I already did. They're on their way."Aria said from behind Hanna. She looked even worse than after finding out Ezra was just playing her if that was possible. But her eyes held a determinate look that showed them she was still the same Aria they knew.
"Great. Thank you, Aria."Emily said and they just stood in silence."
"So now what?"Hanna asked silently, her eyes not leaving Spencer.
"Now we wait."Emily answered shortly and the three girls sat on the bathroom floor near their best friend. They tried to think of motivations, but it didn't mattered right now. Their job was to keep this from ever happening again.
Veronica Hastings couldn't be called exactly the perfect mother. She wasn't there for most of her children's life, but there was no doubt in the world that she loved them more than anything. Both Melissa and Spencer despised living in a family that was all about being the best and not having fun, but they never took time to think that maybe, their parents pushed them so hard to be the best because they thought it was the right thing to do.
Both Peter and Veronica had values that maybe did not apply to their daughters the same way. But instead of sitting down and talking about their problems, the Hastings just decided to forget that they even existed. Maybe that was what broke Spencer after all, she was so focused on being the best that she didn't take time to think that maybe it wasn't needed and maybe it wasn't good for her. But whatever happened, happened.
Because over eighteen years after Spencer's birth, Veronica was standing in her desk as usual until she received a call from an overemotional Hanna saying that her daughter had tried to kill herself. At first, Veronica nearly laughed at how ridiculous it was, she knew her daughter very well and she would never try to kill herself for no reason.
Only when Hanna explained with details everything that happened that day, how they found Spencer and how they had been waiting in the hospital for over an hour, Veronica started believing her. She didn't want to, but as a Hastings, she was smart and she knew fairly well when something was false. Unfortunately, everything Hanna Marin was telling her was true. Spencer did try to kill herself and nothing could have prepared a mother to know that she hadn't succeed in making their child feel loved and feel part of the world.
Even the great Veronica Hastings couldn't control her own tears once the call ended after she promised to be at the hospital. She cried and cried over the disaster that happened that day and then she called the only one who could comfort her in a moment like this. She called her husband.
"Veronica? Are you okay?"She heard his voice on the other side of the line. She didn't want to be the one to tell him this because she knew that he would be just as devastated as she was. But she had to, it was the right thing. So she took a deep breath before dropping the bomb.
"Peter, I need you to drop whatever you are doing right now and come to the hospital."
"Why?"His voice sounded confused but she knew he was afraid now.
"It's Spencer."She paused to collect herself. "She… She isn't okay. She needs us right now more than ever." The truth did not escape her lips for she wasn't able to express it out loud.
"I'm on my way."Was the simple answer he gave her and then another call ended. She couldn't help but feel lonely once she entered her car. During her drive to the hospital, Veronica thought of any motive that could have lead Spencer to this decision. Although she tried hard to avoid thinking about it, her guilty conscience spoke louder than her prays. Slowly, she took in what she now believed was the truth and once again, the tears started.
"Spencer didn't kill herself. I did." It felt surreal to say it,. But it was the simple truth. Had she been a better mother this would have never happened.
Toby Cavanaugh had been through so much over the past two years. He had gone to prison and juvie for something he didn't do, he had lost his mother and his father, in a certain way, and he had watched while his own world came crumbling down.
At the age of 19, he had a clear knowledge of death and sadness, one that no one should have. He had been through the worst when his mother died and it had prepared him to be strong in case anything like that happened again. But not like this. He hadn't expected this and he would never expect.
When he first started dating Spencer Hastings, he could not believe his luck. Although he had hated her, he would never think that a popular, rich, perfect girl like her would even consider talking to him. But she had talked to him, she had tutored him in French and they soon became friends. It was ironic really how he, who would never let someone enter his heart, had fallen for her so hard and deeply. But he did and he liked it.
He had gotten to know her much better and soon they were kissing after their amazing night in the hotel room. When he first kissed her, he knew that she was special because no one could make him feel that way. And with the year that followed, his love for her only grew. Even when she lied to him-to protect him- or when she broke his heart, he didn't stop loving her. He would never stop, he knew it. Seeing just how strong his love still was after everything that happened proved to him that maybe, just maybe, true love, as its written in many books, exists. His love with Spencer was true love.
True love as a great thing, a miracle. But it was also a weakness. Because if anything happened to Spencer, he knew he couldn't take it, because he loved her. He loved her more than life itself and if death ever decided to take her away, he wouldn't be able to survive.
But that day, while he was on his loft trying to understand what the hell was happening to Spencer, why she was acting so differently, it happened. She didn't die, but she got seriously her and because he had a great connection with her, he had felt that something was wrong. But he decided to just ignore the feeling, which was a big mistake.
Not even an hour later and Emily was calling him to tell him that Spencer had nearly committed suicide. He didn't want to believe it, he didn't believe it. But he knew Emily and he knew she would never lie about something as big and horrible as this. So, he entered in such a state of desperation, sadness and shock that he couldn't hear when Emily explained that Spencer was alive, that she was breathing. It took him about ten minutes to go back to normal when he could finally listen to Emily.
Knowing that she was still alive didn't relieve his pain, though. Yes, she could have died, he could have lost her, but if she did try to kill herself, it meant that she wasn't happy. The decision she made showed him that she thought she had no other alternative, no salvation. And he blamed himself for it. Emily tried to convince him that it wasn't his fault, but he knew better. But he said nothing besides promising her that he would be there. He would be there for Spencer even if she didn't want him to be.
I hope you liked it. The story might seem too long but it's because I planned it as a one-shot. If you are crying right now or too emotional, well, that was the purpose of this. What I write is never as dramatic and dark but I kinda liked it. What about you? Tell me your thoughts and remember, critics are as allowed as compliments.