The First Smurfette
A long time ago, about 1967, there lived a hippie cult. They lived in the forest in the land called San Francisco. They called their cult the Smurfs. They spent their days listening to loud psychedelic music, doing lots of drugs, and partaking in sexual deviancies.
The leader of this band of degenerate stoners was an old man know only as Papa. Papa considered himself an expert at the dark arts know as witchcraft. He was so good a leader, that he had all of his followers cover themselves blue.
He was also wanted for murder...
It was late July and damn was it hot. Mr. and Mrs. Omar Gargamel was coming home from a weekend in the mountains. When they pulled into their driveway, they knew something wasn't right. For one thing, the front door was gone. Completely missing.
"Hey, Matilda," Omar said, "our door is gone."
"Duh," said Matilda, "You sure are the fuckin' brain surgeon, ain't ya! Just get our stuff into the house. I need some whiskey and dope. You got on my last fuckin' nerve two days ago, putz.
"Yes, dear."
As they walked into their living room, they noticed something written on the wall. The words said MUSHROOMS IS BITCHIN'
"Oh my goodness!" exclaimed Omar.
"My fuckin' walls!" yelled Matilda, "I just painted this goddamn room a week ago!"
At that time, three blue midgets entered the room. One had a knife, one had a shotgun, and the third was wearing a thong bikini and was holding a rope and a bong.
"Oh, wow, man," said the first one, "We got company, man."
"Excuse me, sir," Omar started, but was interupted by Matilda.
"What the hell are you hippie freaks doing in my goddamn house?!" yelled Matilda.
"Oh, bummer, man," said the second man, "The chick's gone mental, man."
"Oh great," said Bikini man, " Thith ith jutht what we need, thome thilly thycho bitch cauthing a lot of trouble."
"What the fuck is wrong with Nancy-Boy?" Matilda asked.
"Well, you see, ma'am," said the first hippie, " Our cult doesn't have any female members, so a couple of our members had to dress up like chicks."
"Yeth, and I like the way I am, tho don't lay your homophobia on me, ethtablithment pig!"
"Blow it out your ass, Nancy-Boy!" Matilda said.
Buttmonkey Smurf got really mad at Matilda and hit her in the head with his bong. Then the first hippie, who's name was Tommy-Chong Smurf, shoved the knife's handle into Omar's face. Blood gushed out like a geyser.
"Oh, wow, man, check it out," Tommy said.
"You rotton, mutherfuckin', stinky hippie ass-fuckin' goddamn freaks!" Matilda yelled as she picked up a butcher knife. "I'm gonna gut you up like a goddamn bloated fish!"
She then hacked away at Buttmonkey Smurf like a possessed butcher, while Omar and the other two Smurfs watched in sheer terror.
After about ten minutes of serious hackage, the second hippie, who's name was Bill Jeff Clinton Smurf said,
"Oh, wow, man. Now who are we gonna fuck?"
"Hey, man," said Tommy, "I got a cool idea. Hey Matilda, man, why don't you come live with us in the forest, man?"
After thinking for a few moments, Matilda said, "Oh, what the fuck. I'm tired of suberbia anyway. Maybe now, I'll get some deep dickin'."
"What about your ol' man?" asked Clinton.
"Fuck him," she said. "That fuckin' mormon poser wouldn't even eat my pussy. I need some real men. I need to think of a new name, now.
"I got one for ya, honey," Clinton said. "I'll call you... Hillary."
And that's the story of the first Smurfette, Hillary Clinton Smurfette.