All Alone
Alone. That's what Butters was; alone. All his life, Butters never truly had friends. He was completely and utterly alone. No one would ever catch him if he fell. Instead, they would point and laugh at him. No one would comfort him in his moments of pain. They would just sit there and tell him to stop crying and acting like a pussy. No one understood him. No one really cared. It took him a while to realize it, but everything finally clicked into place.
Butters was fifteen, sitting in his room. Everyone was on instant messenger, but they all told him to go away. He tried messaging people on Facebook, but he received no answers, even though they were clearly posting and sharing hundreds of posts. It was the same old story every day. So, he began thinking. Why should he even try to associate with them? They are going to ignore him anyway. There was only one time anyone acknowledged him, and that was just to take advantage of his kindness. Eric Cartman mostly did this, but that was aside from the point. Everyone would be there when they needed him, but would watch him fall when he needed them. It wasn't right.
"G-gosh darn it," he squeaked under his breath. "Wh-what's the point o-of havin' friends, if all they do i-is hurt you?"
Cradling his face in his palms, Butters rocked back and forth in his desk chair. It was really stressing him out for the past week. His social life sucked, while his fanatical world was where he truly desired to be. He would read romance stories, pouring himself into their realms. He would daydream, visiting Imagination Land to greet characters such as Hello Kitty. They were much nicer places to be than with his so-called friends. Why did he need them? Imagination Land, his romance stories, and even his one-player video games were much nicer places to be. They were better friends. When he was down, Hello Kitty would cheer him up, whether in Imagination Land or in video games. No one ignored him. He was the star.
Standing up, Butters stomped his foot against the ground. "Th-that does it! If th-they can't be good friends, th-then I won't have a-any friends!" An enormous rush of emotion filled him as he clenched his fists against his thighs. They would be sorry, but he wouldn't care. He was nothing to them, so he shouldn't let it bother him.
"Butters! No stomping in your room, or you'll be grounded again!" the voice of his father echoed outside the hall.
"Y-yes, sir," the little blond fumbled, quickly seating himself back into his chair.
He spun to his computer, taking control with one swift movement of the mouse. Without much thought, he deleted everyone from his instant messenger contacts list. Afterwards, he began clearing out his Facebook friends. It was now just him and his family. No one would associate with him now. Never again.
The next day felt a bit off for the little Stotch boy. People would call his name, and he would try to respond, but mentally kick himself before he did so. It was going to take time to get used to the new adjustments. Everyone, excluding Stan, seemed to notice that he disappeared from their Facebook. Everyone seemed so curious as to what was up with him. But, as he mentally told himself to do, he ignored them. The little blond only piped up when his teachers told him to interact with someone. Everything would be strictly business. When they were done with their projects, or whatever assignment they were faced with, Butters would clamp his mouth shut.
It was funny. When Butters tried to associate with them, they would ignore him. When he completely ignored them, they all wanted to spend time with him. What a pity. They would get used to it.
The week continued on as such. Eventually, everyone calmed down. That is, everyone except for Eric Cartman. He seemed to be affected the most by this. At first, he just called Butters a black asshole and tried to give him the cold shoulder. Then, he began to bug Butters about different schemes he wanted him to be a part of, and would curse him out for not replying.
The weeks became months, Eric getting no better. In fact, he became worse. It was like he was going through a state of withdrawal. He was so used to having little Butters to torment and hang around for his harebrained ideas, that he completely had no clue what to do without him. It drove him crazy, but wouldn't utter a word to anyone.
Meanwhile, the little blond was doing fantastic. He was getting better grades, constantly reading, and not getting grounded as much – or as long for that matter. It was like paradise for him. Never in his life did Butters picture himself able to feel so free. He was gorging himself in all of the delight he was having. And yet…something was missing. There was a bit of emptiness in his heart. He learned to ignore it.
Freshman year of high school soon passed, quickly turning into sophomore year, then junior. Within a blink of an eye, he was a senior. Butters Stotch was an anti-social, bookworm of a senior. Time seemed to fly by so quickly. He figured it was because he was having such a good time by himself, alone. Everything was perfect. He was prepared for the rest of his life. As long as he had no friends, all would be good.
But then, one day during study period, something was brought to his attention. He unconsciously realized it, but never really thought about it. His eyes flew through the words in his romance novel, adoring the romantic setting. The little blond knew in his heart that the couple in his story was meant to be together. They were fit to start a family…But what about Butters? If he were to have no friends, how would he accomplish starting a family of his own? Even if he did just stick with the family he had, he was the youngest. Eventually, he would be completely and utterly alone…No one to speak to…ever. No father to give a friendly "Hello" to, and no mother to break down and express his problems to. It just, wouldn't be right.
"Alright, I have a few chocolate roses to pass out," the study hall teacher – or whatever their title would be – announced. Butters had forgotten; it was Valentine's Day. Everyone had signed up and bought chocolate roses to send to their lovers and crushes. It was touching and sweet, but Butters honestly could care less. He knew better than to hope for one. Besides, the little blond was going to stay alone, forever.
He watched as the teacher passed out the chocolate delights in disgust. None of their love would last. Love was for the world of make-believe, like his romance novels. At least, that's what he just declared in his head moments before.
"And here's one for you, Butters," his teacher said, placing the rose on his desk, continuing onto the next few students.
Butters just eyed the rose with bewilderment, and at the same time curiosity. Someone sent him a rose? He was acknowledged, even though he had been ignoring everyone for the past few years? But who?
Snatching the note attached to the fake stem, the little blond read the note quietly to himself:
Butters, stop fucking ignoring everyone already! It's pissing me off!
– Anonymous
His eyes re-read the words over and over again. He knew this handwriting, yet couldn't believe it. This all had to be a trick. And yet, he wanted to believe it wasn't. Perhaps someone actually did care for him, but never showed it. Could that be it? No, Butters couldn't buy into this. False hope would only lead to getting hurt. But then again…it was only one person.
As the little blond continued to mentally argue with himself throughout the day, he lost complete focus on his work. Half of his assignments were incomplete, and he didn't even dare to touch his books. It was like an off day for him. Why did it bother him so much that he got this message? Why couldn't he just ignore it like he did everyone else? That's what bothered him the most. Butters had no problem ignoring people who verbally spoke with him, but he couldn't get his mind off of a note written to him. It was much easier to ignore a note. He could just toss it into the garbage and be done with it…but he couldn't.
He entered the lunchroom as usual that day, seating himself at a table excluded from everyone. It was nice eating alone. Maybe if he could try to continue his usual routine, he could get that note out of his mind. It was getting ridiculous. The little blond took a bite out of his bologna sandwich, humming to himself. As he continued to eat, humming away, thoughts of the note disappeared from his mind. It was all going to work out just dandy. At least, so he thought.
For the first time in years, someone had sat themselves in front of him, placing their lunch tray on the table. For the first time in years, someone looked at Butters like they wanted to have a conversation with him. To make it worse, it was that very same person that sent him that chocolate rose.
The two stared at each other for a moment in silence, pale blue eyes reflecting into deep brown ones. There was no telling what would happen next.
"Happy Valentine's Day, Eric…" the little blond uttered. It surprised him that those words actually slipped out of his mouth. He hadn't tried to have a conversation in years; at least, not one that had nothing to do with an assignment. What the hell was wrong with him?
"Happy Valentine's, faggot!" Eric spat, narrowing his eyes.
Butters knew he was in trouble now.
"What the fuck is wrong with yew? Why the hell are yew as pathetic as those douchy Goth kids?" Eric continued, growling under his breath.
Licking his dry lips, the little blond tried to speak. No words came out. He swallowed hard, taking a deep breath. He tried to speak again, "…I-I…never had a-any friends….s-so I thought I-I'd be better off…" His voice trailed off.
"…ignoring everybody? Butters, yew asshole! We were friends!"
Butters felt his heart stop. They were? Under who's standards?
"It was so fuckin' hard to run all mah brilliant ideas and go on all mah awesome adventures without yew! I needed yew, and yew fucking ditch meh! What a selfish bastard!"
The little blond was taken aback. He was the selfish bastard? All he was doing was removing himself from a world that didn't like him to begin with. How was that being selfish? If anyone was being selfish, it was Eric for missing Butters just because he didn't have anyone by his side for his schemes. They usually led to trouble. Butters didn't have to be there for Eric. He had plenty of other friends. There was Kyle, who hated him. Then there was Kenny, who also hated him. Come to think of it, a lot of people hated him. Eric really didn't have many friends. Was Butters being selfish after all?
No! He couldn't think like that. If Butters felt sorry for Eric, he would end up pouring himself into another false friendship. He would get hurt again.
"I-I'm not bein' selfish," the little blond finally spat under his breath.
Eric just stared hard at him for a moment, trying to find the right words to attack him with. It was as if he were at a loss. Or maybe he was just holding back. But what could Eric Cartman possibly be hiding? He was just a bully…who Butters once did anything for.
"Butters," the fat boy finally groaned. "Do yew honestly know what's been goin' on since yew started ignoring everyone?"
"Sure," Butters partcially lied. He noticed a couple of things, but he sure as hell wasn't paying that much attention. His life was too consumed by books to really care.
"Then yew know what I went through last year? Yew know that I haven't tried pulling any more shit, 'cause I have no one to back meh up? Yew know the new nick-name I have?"
Confused, Butters shook his head. What had he missed? Was it something that he really wanted to get tangled up in? Could Eric just be trying to trick him, yet again? Somehow, the little blond had many doubts that the brunette in front of him was lying. He may have lied a lot, but something about him made him seem…very serious.
"Then yew haven't been paying attention, faggot." Eric let out a deep sigh. "Yew know what? Forget it! I'm done with yew. It's just fucking hopeless." Snatching his lunch tray, Eric began storming off. His heavy feet stomped against the tile with every step. Boy, he seemed pissed.
The little blond just watched as he sat himself with Kyle, Stan, and Kenny. He could hear laughter breaking away from the table. Eric had to be lying. He was just trying to get the little blond on his side.
"What's up, fat-faggot?" Kyle's voice rang through the cafeteria. Butters' ears perked up. Who was he talking to?
"Shut up, Kahl. Your gay too!" Eric's voice growled.
"But I'm not ashamed of it. You, however, are," Kyle snapped back.
"Besides, it's funny how you of all people turned out gay," Stan laughed, grinning widely.
Covering his ears, Butters tuned the rest of the conversation out. It was just…weird. But it also brought light into his situation. He excluded everyone out of his life, because he was afraid of getting hurt. He thought that friends weren't worth the time. After three years, he comes to learn that he hurt a friendship he didn't even realized he had. He hurt someone who had hardly any friends. In fact, his so-called friends constantly picked on him. Butters wasn't the only one with problems. All he was doing was hiding from them. They would never go away.
And what was so bad about Eric Cartman, anyway? Sure, he did have a different way of looking at things. And sure, he was an asshole at times. But Butters knew him better than anyone else at times. At least, he thought he did. Eric cherished the moments they spent together. He didn't show it, but he did care. And Butters ruined it all within a matter of a day, back when he was fifteen. Enough was enough. Outcasts should stick together, no matter what the consequences.
Standing up, Butters rushed over to where Eric sat. He wasn't sure what came over him, or what he was going to do, but here he was. It didn't make much sense to him, but something told him he had to defend Eric. Something told him to bring him back into his life. Everyone else could just suck his balls for all he cared.
"Kyle!" Butters shrieked, slamming his hands against the table. The entire cafeteria stared in shock, silencing themselves. "Leave E-Eric alone! So what i-if he's gay! We shouldn't be m-makin' fun of o-our own kind. You should know better, Kyle!"
Eyes wide, the Jew stared at Butters with his mouth hanging open. He was not only shocked that Butters had spoken, but just the plain fact that he was defending Eric Cartman. Of all people, why him? He picked on Butters since they were kids.
Slowly clapping, Eric smirked at the little blond. He seemed…calm and blissful. Yet, something dark wormed its way in his cranium.
"One problem with that statement, Butters." Eric finally stopped his claps. "I am not of the same kind as Kahl. He's a stupid Jew, remember?"
Butters nodded. "Y-yeah. He's a no-good, dirty Jew. R-right, Eric?"
It was as if nothing had changed between them. "Right."
Still in a state of shock, Kyle stared at them, unable to utter a word. He was like a statue.
"I think you broke Kyle, Butters," Kenny mumbled, poking Kyle's forehead.
"Serves the Jew right," Cartman sneered. "Now, screw yew gahs, I'm hanging with the little faggot!" Eric locked an arm around Butters, leading him to the table he was sitting at previously. It felt weird, but good.
The next few days, Butters continued to spend time with Eric. He still seemed to ignore everyone, but Eric was a special case. He was his only friend. Those days rapidly turned into months. Before Butters knew it, he was closer to Eric than ever before. They both told each other secrets, Eric still picked on Butters, and Butters began taking orders once more. The two of them went on many adventures together, and even ruined Saint Patrick's Day by kidnapping leprechauns for their gold.
It wasn't long before the little blond was able to piece it together. Eric was the empty void in his head. He was the missing piece that he needed to feel whole again. Sure, not everything was perfect. Sure, he didn't feel as free anymore. But quite frankly, he didn't care. Living under the orders of Eric Cartman was probably the greatest thing that could possibly happen in his life. He went on many epic adventures. He was able to see the world again. School didn't feel like a job anymore. In fact, he was having fun, even if he did get grounded more.
Eric filled him in on what he had missed while his mind was away. Token and Bebe dated for a little bit, but it didn't last. It was one of those spur of the moment things. Wendy tried asking Stan out, but he told her to fuck off. He had learned his lesson with her before. Kyle had won a writing contest, only getting a stupid gift card to Starbucks. He also tried to join the basketball team, only failing miserably; due to the fact he was a bit shorter than the other players. Jimmy began singing the national anthem for ceremonies for a short period of time. He stopped, due to the fact how long it took him to sing it. Kenny became close to a girl named Luna. He called her his sweetheart, but no one really understood why. Kyle discovered he was gay accidentally at the end of freshman year.
Finally, came the big question: how did Eric find out his sexuality? It was hard, but Eric finally told him the story. He had known about it since middle school, when stumbling across a gay porn site. He wasn't sure why at the time, but he enjoyed it. Eric mentally battled himself for a few more years until he finally caved in. He kept some of his porn on a flash drive, so no one could find it on his computer when they were over at his house. It was kept safely inside a lockable box. Eric thought it was brilliant.
One day, he needed a flash drive for school. However, his spare flash drive was missing, so he took his porn one with him. Due to some terrible mix-up, Eric ended up with Kyle's flash drive, while Kyle possessed his. Since Kyle was such an evil Jew, he told everyone.
Butters felt bad for Eric, embracing him in a big hug. If only he would've cared. If only he were there to help Eric. He was in that class with them. If Butters weren't being such a dick, he would've been paired with Eric that day. No one would know.
In the end, the little blond made one conclusion about friends. Not everyone will be there for you. Not everyone will stick around, just because you are friendly to them. Butters learned this the hard way. However, excluding everyone from his life was a terrible choice. There will always be someone out there for you. Butters was just glad that he figured this out before he and Eric fell into a spiraling pit of loneliness.
PS: Kyle is still broken. I felt like I was writing a fic about myself until Butters got the chocolate rose. Yep. I hate how I ended it. Oh well. Life's a bitch.