Disclaimer: Not mine, I only like to write about it.
A/N: Okay, so this is kinda an AU story, yet not. Mainly AU because of the time line and such. Not really sure when it is set, though Faith has gone to prison. Mainly just a Buffy/Faith friendship story, doesn't have a huge plot or anything. I hope to get feedback as I am not sure if I will continue this story, if people like it I shall write more. So please review and tell me what you think.
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The shadows were dancing; they shriveled and shook, darkening the cell with harsh, venom like movements as they dared her to join them. If only they knew she had already. Her dark eyes watching them as she lay without thought. Hands stationary by her side, tired, limp. Only twitching occasionally as sleep beckoned, and her focused blurred with exhaustion. It had been lights out for a while now, time seemed to pass with unsteady motions, not really deceiving one, though hardly making it easy to keep seconds from minutes or weeks from months. It rolled on as one. Time something that mattered so little in here.
To her…Mattered so little to her
Moving slightly she stretched her arm out, slowly, fingers reaching into the darkness of the small cell as she feigned an interest in the shadows. She wasn't intrigued. Having seen the dances of them many nights prior. Having welcomed the uneasiness they drew from her, making her stomach coil with nervous flutters. She didn't know why she feared what she did. She was a slayer…
A slayer!
Higher in the food chain, among the many who resided in the pathetic prison
She was stronger than all.
Though still she would grow stern with the rising of sickness, of a slight fear. One she dreamt about when sleep did come to her, which wasn't often. A fear that more frequently then not plagued her every fiber, waking her in a cold sweat, making her breathing unsteady, making her curl into a ball and shut her eyes tightly, tears not falling. Never. It was a fear not placed, but one that tormented her endlessly. Gave her reason to falter. Reason to fall.
Was it herself she feared?
The things she had done? Said? Caused?
Maybe.
Though the answer was never clear, never willing to come forth no matter how much she asked.
Again her fingers grasped nothing as she reached a little further, eyes focused on seemingly the wall across from her, though in actual reality she saw nothing but her thoughts. The memories that stained her mind, however faint some were. Some were good. Making a small part of her smile. Others…Others made her heart sink. Fall within her chest as though it would stop beating at any given moment.
Guilt.
She felt guilt. For her sins past. Things she did without blinking twice, always with a half cocked grin, one that said 'challenge me…I dare ya!' It was her grin, one she meant at times and one she would hide behind in others. She never admitted the guilt. Not to herself. Not to anyone. If she did she'd surely fear more, maybe how weak she seemed to become over the past months, years. Or simply a fear that again she could not place, not touch, nor grasp.
Silence.
Her mind clicking into reality as she withdrew her arm, fingers now coiled tightly into a fist. The emptiness that seemed to haunt her all her life, again penetrating her walls. Making her shut her eyes even though she knew no sleep would come. She could stop this. End her days of overbearing emotions. One's that gnawed at her conscious, making her feel guilt, sadness, apathy. She could make all of it stop. She had the power to leave, breakout of the place that she had been in for…god knows how long. She had stopped counting the days, weeks, months a while back.
She could leave…but she didn't.
Didn't, not because she didn't want to, but simply because she had made a promise. One not said. Just known within herself. The guilt that ate away at her, the fear that was never known…she deserved it all. It was her karmic payback, her road to redemption however long it seemed to take. She did if for herself.
No…that's not true. Though it's what she would tell her mind. Repeatedly.
Her choice to stay, follow orders, live with what she has done and suffer endless nights of raw emotions…was not for her benefit. How could it be when all she thought about was the ones she had hurt, the people she had lost? She wanted so much to apologize, but something in her wouldn't allow the thoughts, the motions to rebuild burnt bridges. She knew why she stayed. She knew that.
A promise…
One, no one heard spoken, or even knew existed. But she. It was silent, but powerful. And her conscious kept that in mind. Edging her to shut up, stay low and survive every day, every painfully slow minute. If she weren't so tired she'd have laughed, emptily, but prominent. The people who most likely hated her. The ones she hurt. The ones she lost. They didn't know why she had chosen to turn herself in, guesses probably flew around, rumours, maybe even the misconception that she had given up. But, they'd not know why.
It hurt slightly, that the emotional pain she spent most her days in went un-noticed, not to be admired nor spoken of. Ripped at her lungs making her breath catch, to know she was suffering for what she had done, but no one could see why.
A stupid promise!...No, a hard promise.
A hard one to keep, though she had. This made her smile slightly, pride…or was it relief? Whatever it was, it kept her in line, burning her insides with the hope that one day they would see that she wasn't crazy, wasn't apathetic to everything around her…No. She was just lost. Alone. Helpless within the confines of her mind.
And so she would drag herself out of her ever present fear, guilt and ache. Make her head tilt higher and stance confidant. She would get through the restless nights, suffering nightmares of past, nightmares of present. Because she was better than this, better then how she had behaved and what she had done. She was going to redeem herself, prove her worth…Keep her promise.
The one she made to many a person.
Angel
..Wesley
…Willow
…Xander
..Giles
Buffy…Buffy!
The girl she so often dreamed about, a moment of mixed memories playing over and over like a broken record. The pit of emptiness she felt when the blonde headed slayer dug the knife deep into her, like she was butter, the feeling of falling, no control, no safety net to catch her. Down further till her world is black. The moment she had everything, the moment she lost that.
So much pain that haunts her in the night…daylight barely killing the memories, but it helps, not much.
She doesn't hate her…Buffy. She has no reason, not really. Apart of her bears the wounds that the other Slayer slashed and carved into her, sometimes with intention, sometimes not knowing. But she reminds herself however often, that the promise she made to change, to stay on a track well known and not get lost, it was for Buffy more than anyone.
So until the girl can forgive, if that, maybe just accept.
She will stay in the confines of bars and cement walls. Serving out her punishment. However long needed.
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Opening her eyes slowly, the dark haired slayer sighed. It wasn't loud. Barely heard by herself. But it was present, filling the small cell and seeking out the shadows that loomed nearby. Her brown orbs hardly focusing as she stared at the mattress above her, studying the wire that held it firmly in place, keeping it from falling through, from buckling under the weight of the occupant on the top bunk. Faith didn't know her name, didn't want to. They hardly spoke as it was. Each keeping their distance. Respecting, if you will, the others privacy.
Silence.
It again grabbed at her, making her chest pang with emotion. If was deafening to her ears, as ironic as that may sound. The stark reminder that although surrounded by plenty of people, guards, inmates even security, she was truly alone. Her eyes shut again. Fists still tight as her knuckles whitened. Legs unmoving, outstretched as she sat up. Breathing louder as her eyes now opened, faced with the still dancing shadows.
Were they teasing her?
Making her slowly hate what night time brought?
Or was she merely being stupid? Thinking irrationally from nights spent like this?
…She was never one for rational thinking. Jumping straight to the action, not a passing thought for words.
Again she sighed this time ending with an empty laugh, her hands slowly running through her russet locks as she laid back down. Eyes fixed, never moving from the bunk above her. A routine that she'd gotten used to, never failing to end up drawing nonexistent lines upon the wire and thin mattress, her finger moving swiftly as she wrote out words that couldn't be seen, only known to her. It kept her mind occupied, when sleep didn't come easily, made her feel as though she was safe and somewhere warm. She didn't know why, but it was certainly better than watching the shadows.
Raising her hand she lightly traced her finger across the cold surface of the bunk, studying with more care then needed as she continued to spell out a word only she could see. One word she had traced so many times that some days she expected to see it actually written there. Her hand moved fluently and with a steady pace, shaking only from the sleep that boarded close to her mind, but never truly took her. A small grin etched its way unto her lips, although it lacked substance it was still present. Her arm falling limply beside her, stationed like the other one, as she looked upon the invisible word she had wrote. One she'd write again, over and over, night after night until she no longer could.
It was anyone's guess why she wrote what she did.
Why out of everything, every word in the human language she wrote this one.
She did so with un-faltering attention, always tracing neatly and carefully.
Sometimes just once.
Sometimes it was repeated till morning.
But not matter what, it was always written, always present each night.
Speaking volumes as the Slayer would look upon the mattress only she seeing what she had written.
Taking comfort in the word, a word she seemed to favor, one that seemed to give her ease in the reaches of the night.
Traced, written, there if only for a second.
…Buffy
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A/N: Continue?...Yes?...No?