FIVE YEARS OF HELLA
CHAPTER ONE: HELLA COOL
"So that's my story. I've spent my whole life searching for the impossible, never imagining that I would become the impossible."
Oliver Queen looked down over Star(linglol) City through his green hood. His eyes squinted as he listened to Barry's footsteps crunch against the rooftop's gravel.
"You want to fuck your sister?" asked Ollie, turning to face the fastest twink alive.
"ADOPTIVE sister!"
Ollie smirked, "Y'know I'm not 100% sure but I think that's still a type of sister."
Barry blushed and nearly looked away, but then set the Arrow with a serious look, "Like you've never thought about doing anything with Thea. That chick is hot."
"Yeah, she is. That's why we've had sex. Lots and lots of it." Ollie gestured nonchalantly. "As long as she doesn't get pregnant and have little Joffery Queens there's no problem. I just wanna know why you haven't gotten with Iris yet."
Barry blinked dumbly, "Aaaah, well, uh, I..."
"And did you say your dad's in Iron Heights?" Ollie asked incredulously. "My mom was in Iron Heights for a while, y'know, after she helped kill those 501 people."
"I-It was 503 people."
"Eh," Ollie shrugged, "Point is, I thought Iron Heights was in Star(linglol) City? Why would they keep your dad in there?"
Barry looked very uncomfortable, "Oliver, incest jokes are one thing, but we're starting to graze the fourth wall now."
Ollie gave Barry the season 1, FAILED THIS CITY murder-glare, "Do I strike you as a man who gives a damn about the fourth wall?"
"W-Well then... In DC Comics Iron Heights is the prison for Central City, so really the question is why would they keep your mom in there? I mean is there no other prison that can hold Moira Queen for 600 miles?"
"You two are overlooking the obvious," Felicity Smoak's voice buzzed through a toy radio that had been conveniently abandoned on the rooftop. "Since we're ignoring the fourth wall, it's pretty clear that the show creators just wanted to further foreshadow the Flash TV show. There's really no other explanation, you two are just victims to Freezer Logic."
"Isn't it Fridge Logic?" Ollie asked.
"Shut up, sister-fucker."
Ollie grinned at Barry, "I do fuck a lot of sisters."
"Felicity, h-how are you talking through this radio?" Barry asked, picking it up and inspecting it.
"I hacked it, duh."
"But it's plastic and busted... clearly a child's toy."
"Haaaaacked boiiii!"
"But there's no attena, or disc drive, in fact it has definitely never received or transmited any type of electromagnetic or digital signal. Plus it doesn't even have any batteries."
"LEEET HAXXXX MUTHABIIIIISSSSSSSHHHH!"
-H-H-H-H-H-
"YOU CALL THAT A FLIP?" Ollie barked at Roy. The two of them were training in the Arrowcave. "I'VE SEEN DEAD MOTHERS FLIP BETTER THAN YOU!"
"I'M FLIPPING AS HARD AS I CAN!" said Roy, parkouring off various surfaces. "WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS HAVING ME FLIP ANYWAY? I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU FLIP ONCE!"
"MY FLIPPING HAS TRANSCENDED THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM! MINE IS THE FLIP ETERNAL!"
"THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!"
"Yeah, well neither does like 80% of this show but that doesn't stop it from being awesome."
-E-E-E-E-E-
"This looks bad," said Diggle, firing potshots off at the League Assasins that were swarming up a poorly lit stairwell towards Team Arrow.
"Quick," said Ollie. "To the roof!"
"Can somebody give me a hand here?" asked Roy, who was holding Laurel back from charging the assassins and getting herself killed.
"LEMME HELP! I'M HELPING! STRONG LAUREL!"
Ollie looked back down the stairwell at his protege and his crazy ex. He notched an arrow and said, "I'd rather be fishing."
-TWUNG!-
The fishing reel arrow shot around Laurel's neck. Ollie yoinked her up the stairwell and onto the rooftop. The whole way Laurel flopped and flapped like a bass, shouting "SAWWWAAAAAA!" the entire time.
Roy and Diggle rushed up the stairs to the roof and slammed the door behind them.
"Alright man, what's our play?" Diggle asked.
Ollie was smiling like a fool, "Why is she doing that?"
Laurel was still flopping on the ground like a fish.
The assassins started banging on the door. Diggle held it shut with his massive muscles. Roy peaked over the side of the sky scraper they were on. Dozens of assassins were quickly climbing up the mirrored glass walls.
"Uh, guys! They're coming up the sides!"
Laurel's flopping began to weaken, like a fish too long out of water. Ollie was now openly giggling at her.
"What about that helicopter?" Roy asked, pointing to a very conveniently place chopper on the nearby helipad.
"Do you know how to fly it?" Diggle asked.
"Maybe Felicity can hack it?" Roy suggested.
"Sorry guys," Felicity's voice crackled out of a nearby Snickers wrapper, "They've blocked my hacking, I can't get to the chopper, only this piece of trash."
"HAHAHA, IS NO ONE ELSE SEEING THIS?" Ollie was nearly doubled over in laughter as Laurel laid stiff as a board.
"OLIVER!" Diggle yelled, "DO YOU KNOW HOW TO FLY A HELICOPTER?"
"Huh? Oh, assassins, right." Ollie looked at the chopper.
"Well?"
Ollie looked back at Diggle dramatically, "Not yet."
Diggle smirked and nodded.
"Not yet?" Roy asked, "What does he mean not yet?"
"Check out the new guy lol!" Felicity's voice crackled from the haxed rooftop litter.
"FLASHBACK!" Ollie yelled.
-WWWWSSSSSHHHH!-
"Alright, kid," growled Slade Wilson, shot up and bleeding from the passenger seat of a helicopter on Lian Yu, "I'm too hurt to fly this chopper, so we're gonna have to give you a crash course."
"Wait a minute," said Young Ollie from the pilot's seat. Gunfire and explosions rang around them. "The rest of this fic has been loosely based in season 3, how come the flashback is season 2-ish?"
"Look kid, do you want your deus ex machina or not?"
"I know this fic is pretty meta, but I'm not 100% sure that phrase accurately describes what's happening."
"Oh, and that bit with the Fridge Logic earlier was nothing short of semantic brilliance!"
"Touche. Welp, time to fly a chopper. WOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ollie cheered as he pulled up recklessly. The helicopter spun into the air, its rotating tail blades liquifying several balaclava'd soldiers. As the aerial vehicle spiraled upwards, someone shot an RPG at it. Ollie swerved erratically and batted the projectile back down at them with the ass end of the chopper, causing their pursuers to explode in gory glory.
"HAHAHA!" Slade laughed with his gravelly voice, "GREAT SHOT KID, THAT WAS ONE IN A MILLION!"
-WWWWSSSSSHHHH!-
Ollie hoisted Laurel over his shoulder by the fishing reel arrow. She hung limp and lifeless, arms to her sides and legs pressed together, lips puckered and gasping like a prized catch.
The Arrow smirked at his entorage, stepping up onto the helipad, "Let's go."
Dig and Roy dove into the chopper as Ollie started it up. Just then the door burst open right as dozens of assassins jumped over the sides of the sky scraper. They shot towards the helipad like black darts, but Ollie pulled up wildly, spinning the chopper around, and liquified several of them with the tail blades before he rose up into the freedom of the night sky, all the time screaming:
"WOOOOOOOOOOO!"
-L-L-L-L-L-
Thea was busking the bar at Verdant. It was off hours and she was alone.
"Figured you'd have guys for that," said DJ DBAG as he sauntered through the doors.
Thea smirked and kept busking, not even turning to look at him, "You're not the first person to say that."
"Bet I'm the cutest person to say it."
Thea rolled her eyes and turned to face him, "What do you want?"
"I wanted to talk to you... alone."
Thea arched an eyebrow at him. She was smirking casually but her eyes were piercing; her gaze insurmountable.
DJ DBAG's eternal cool broke slightly, and little beads of sweat started forming on his forehead.
"I, uh, have some ideas for my nights... DJing, I mean."
Thea did not respond immediately, letting him stew.
Slow, silent and smooth, Malcolm Merlyn's head and shoulders descended from a nearby overhang behind DBAG. This awkward and upside-down position seemed to be causing him no physical strain at all. Malcolm's eyes bored into the back of the DJ's skull. He would have felt the black archer's breath on his neck, but for one such as The Magician, respiration is merely an illusion.
The two never made eye contact, such a gross signal was as unneccessary as it was flamboyant. Thea made the slightest of movements and her father understood. Slow, silent and smooth, Malcolm Merlyn's head and shoulders returned the way they had came, and DJ DBAG's life was spared.
Thea broke her invulnerable visage with a playful smile, "Sounds good. Let's... go to my office." she said, making sure to add the most minor hint of desperation to her voice. This was all the arrogant young man needed to restore his confidence.
The two clambored up the steps to the Verdant manager's room, and somewhere, without him ever knowing why, Roy's heart broke a little bit more.
-L-L-L-L-L-
In her room at Nanda Par Bat, Nyssa was self-harming(Chinese Burns) and listening to Linkin Park.
"SAWWWWAAAA!" she cried, tears running down through her over-applied black eyeliner.
Outside the door to Nyssa's room stood The Demon. He didn't need to do more than whisper to be heard through the door and over the blaring 'music,' such was the ethereal power of his voice.
"Come out of your room, child, and forget this business."
"I'LL NEVER FORGET!"
"That's what you said when they cancelled Young Justice."
"THIS IS DIFFERENT, DAD! THIS ISN'T A PHASE IT'S WHO I AM NOW!"
The Demon was above sighing, but his face made a small twitch of impatience.
"Your sister never gave me any of this trouble."
"WHO?"
-A-A-A-A-A-
In Central City's Jitters coffee shop, Iris West was busy writing Flash/Grodd fanfiction on her phone when the door dinged.
"Hi," Iris started, turning around to greet the customer. "Welcome to Jitters, how can I..."
"Hi," Ollie said, walking up to Iris as her voiced failed. Several workers and customers were openly staring.
"Y-Y-You're Ol-O-"
"Oliver Queen, yup. Call me Ollie," he winked.
Iris put a hand on the nearby counter to stablize herself.
"You're Iris West, right?"
"You know my name?"
"Barry Allen's adoptive sister?"
She nodded, dumbfounded, "Yeah, we grew up together, we're like brother and sister."
"'Sister,' huh?" Ollie said, smiling.