Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
Rivals
For as long as anyone could remember, Maito Gai considered Hatake Kakashi his eternal rival. From the moment they met, something about the seemingly apathetic Kakashi sent waves of almost irritation and almost jealousy up the taijutsu user's spine.
So every so often, from their first group project in the Academy and leading up to their present lives as elite jounin, Maito Gai would challenge his eternal rival to contests of strength, intelligence, and the ability to hold a spoon on your nose without the aid of chakra for the longest possible time.
Why Kakashi accepted these challenges were unclear.
The older jounin—ones who went to school with the two rivals—claimed it was because Kakashi's ego would not let him back down from Gai's shouts of superiority.
The younger ones—Kakashi's students, as well as Gai's—believe that Kakashi accepted merely because it was the best and fastest way to get the loud, spandex wearing man to shut up.
But Kakashi and Gai knew the absolute truth.
They'd made a promise years and years ago. Way back before they even had their first challenge. They promised each other that they'd find out who was better. Sure, they each excelled in different areas, but they wanted to know who was hands-down, take-it-or-leave-it, "I'm bad, you know it!" better.
In a weird Snow White/Wicked Queen sort of way, it was the shinobi version of the age-old question: "Who is the fairest one of all?"
"Are we agreed to the terms?" a five-year-old Kakashi once asked, holding out his hand.
"Agreed," an equally somber five-year-old Gai had answered, grasping his classmate's hand. "Whomever can keep a lead of 3 wins for a month is better."
That was close to 25 years ago and the challenges continue with no clear winner in sight.
When Kakashi finally admits to Naruto and Sakura the details behind their challenges, the blond man simply asks the elder if he knew of a way to completely devastate Gai without killing him. The two younger members of Team Kakashi gape in horror as their sensei scratches the back of his head and says a simple and unequivocal "No."
Their horror soon turns to shock when they learn that, while their own sensei has no way of incapacitating his rival short of death, Maito Gai has the ultimate weapon against Kakashi if the bowl-cut man ever learned the truth of it and its secret.
"What is it, Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura asked.
The white-haired man shook his head and gazed down. "It would ruin you two as well," he murmured. A commotion at the front of the bar where he and his team sat drew his attention and Kakashi's eye widened when he recognized the flushed look on his rival's face. Turning swiftly to Naruto and Sakura he said one word.
"RUN."
But they were too late.
Heavy arms settled themselves on the shoulders of the male shinobi of Team Kakashi and Sakura held back a grimace at the scent of alcohol pouring from Gai's breath. All three noticed the spots of red color on the other man's face, but only one understood the glint in his black eyes.
"Hey, Kashaki…Kashi…Kaka…Kakashi-shi!" Gai laughed. "Guess what!"
"Do not speak," Kakashi warned Naruto and Sakura. "Do not encourage him and do not ask him anything about anything." Naruto almost buckled under the added weight Gai suddenly placed on his shoulders as the drunken man screamed in Kakashi's ear.
"I said, 'GUESS WHAT!"
Sakura opened her mouth, but shut it again when Kakashi none-to-gently stomped on her foot.
"Guess what guess what guess what guess what…" Gai whined.
"Kakashi-sensei," Sakura pleaded, her hands over her ears. "Make it stop!"
Sighing into his long forgotten beer, the Copy Nin of Konoha looked at his old students. "You wanted to know what could defeat me," he said. "Here's your chance to find out."
Naruto and Sakura leaned forward with equal parts of curiosity and fear. Curious to find out what could defeat their seemingly undefeatable teacher and fearful of the exact same thing.
As if in slow motion, Kakashi's head turned to face Gai—bushy brows and all—and finally acknowledged him.
"What happened, Gai?"
A goofy grin appeared on the green clad jounin's face and he removed his arms from Kakashi and Naruto's shoulders to give a double thumbs up. He shouted his news for the entire bar to hear.
"I JUST GOT LAID!"
Silence reigned for a long while after that statement and Gai had to blink and slap his ears a few times to make sure he didn't suddenly become deaf. He blearily glanced to his left, then to his right.
Sure enough, every single person in the bar was on the floor.
Some lay in the fetal position. Some sat, leaning against the walls as they rocked themselves back and forth. A silent and grand mal seizure seemed to hold Naruto and Sakura hostage, both grabbing their heads as if in pain. While Kakashi just curled in on himself with his hands clamped over his ears.
Blinking dizzily, the Beautiful Green Beast of Konoha sat down on a barstool and picked up Kakashi's beer.
"Why does that happen every time I say that?" he wondered.
A/N:
Another cracked out story from yours truly.
But seriously…picture Maito Gai having sex. Go ahead. Now go to therapy.