Hello there, brainwashed dimwits. I'm Stewie Griffin with a, um, "guide" to possibly help you to stay up all night. And trust me, I have tried, but I always fall asleep. It always gets to me. Damn. Anyway, here's a five-step program that will, again, possibly, like 50/50 chance, help you to do what I've countlessly failed at. And just a note, I will be very proud of you if you actually pull through it- YOU"D BETTER PULL THROUGH IT! Nah, I'm just kidding, you can do whatever you want. Anyway, enjoy.

1: Don't think about sleep-inducing words, like lavender.

Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT think about words like warm and snuggly. Think of exciting things, like monster trucks or Nazi death camps, maybe even antidisestablishmentarianism… you know, the longest word in the dictionary… just a thought.

2: Stay focused on your goal: Do not sleep.

This is the exact mistake I've made: Not being determined enough. You've got to PUSH YOUR FREAKIN' LIMITS! GO ALL THE WAY! That wake you up? Well, it shouldn't because they're just big letters. So, what?

3: Eat or drink as many sugary things as you can.

Now, this one is optional. If you can't have sugar, don't have sugar, are on a strict diet, or can't make it downstairs without your mother catching you, then just jog in place or something. But for the rest of you, just go nuts, but not too nuts. You know? I got so nuts that my crib was full of salted almonds. But just, you know, eat brownies, drink Pepsis, (which, Tip: Work better than Cokes or any diet drink in my opinion), even make some (bleep) coffee if you're not sharing the house. (The 5-Hour Energy Guy shows up)

5-Hour Energy Guy: Or take one 5-Hour Energy, so you won't have that 10:30… or 11:30…

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What the hell? That was my bid! You just gave me the rights to it! We wrote a contract, you office-working drunk! (I stab him through the heart with a machete, then stuff him in the closet) In sort-of-related news, don't overdose.

4: Do a different thing every three hours or so.

Don't do one thing all night, or else you'll get bored and dream about writing 100 Fan Fiction stories. What a nightmare! So, every three hours or so, do something different. I don't care what, just do something. I'm not your (bleep) boss, but I probably will be once I'm dictator of the world and have a cool two-piece mustache I even wrote a song about it.

My mustache,

Helping me rule the world with good looks.

Anyway, like I said, don't do the same thing.

5: If all else fails, watch some Family Guy!

Now, there's some requirements for this one: You have to be able to get to a TV with a low volume. It has to have Tivo, or it has to be around the time Family Guy comes on on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim. Also, you have to get Cartoon Network on the TV. Anyway, watch some Family Guy. It's got lots of jokes, humor, and bowel movements. Anyway, watch Family Guy on Adult Swim, where you get to see me. Don't miss it.

Now, that's my advice for staying up all night. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go to Channel 5 for some You Know What Really Smashes My Vial of Hydrocyanic Acid. Good-night, (at least for some), America!