Title: Giving Up Always Hurts
Author: Farrah
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I do not own the great show we all know as Scandal, so anything you see in this that resembles the show is owned by it; I sure do wish I did own it though.
Summary: So this is an oneshot that just would not leave me alone. It has been swarming around in my head since 'All Roads Lead To Fitz' and all that was revealed in that episode. I know Right? Why Not just write it you ask? Been super busy! That's my reasoning and I'm sticking to it! LOL but since I have waited so long I get to tie it in with the assassination attempt.
As always… read and review!
"Were done, I'm letting you go."
Those were the words he spoke in her favorite restaurant, the very words that made her world crumble around her, in an instant. But she deserved it. This she knew. She had been pushing him away since the morning after they slept together. She had asked for this, made him do it. Question is, why did it hurt so freaking much?
She pondered these things as she walked into his room. The plan she and Huck had set to catch Becky already in motion. But this time it was different. He wouldn't welcome her with a smile that reached his eyes, nor a hug that would send shivers through her spine, nor a kiss that could make her toes curl. He wouldn't be able to look at her as if she was the only person in the room and time had ceased to exist. He lay there motionless, possibly unaware of all that was going on around him.
Seeing him like that all but knocked the wind from her body and she had to fight against the tears she was sure was soon to come. The one good thing about seeing him like that was that he looked peaceful, as if he felt no pain, and given the circumstances she was grateful. She had only seen him once since that horrible night, as Mellie had only her afforded the one time, but she really couldn't blame the woman. She couldn't. She understood Mellie's anger at her presence, she understood the First Lady revoking her privileges, she understood the hate the woman held for her especially at a time like this, where she was so close to losing her husband, so close to losing the father of her three children. No matter the marriage the two had, it simply felt wrong to force the issue and push her way into seeing him.
For those reasons and the fact that she was afraid to see him kept her away for so long. She was afraid that when he awoke he would still want nothing to do with her; he had given her up after all.
As she stood next to his bed she held his hand a moment and went over everything between them in the last 2 years. She remembered how many times she had let him go, how she thought what she was doing was the right thing.
"I missed you this morning." He smiled whispering in her ear as they stood in the back of the line for pancakes.
"Last night was a mistake. It should never have happened." she hissed behind a smile, pretending as though all was right in the world.
"I won't accept that. It was wonderful; it could never be a mistake." he reasoned his breath lingering on her neck.
"Listen Governor, You're married. It won't happen again." She turned and stared him down, watching him falter at the mention of marriage. She had tasted what love really was and let him go.
Yet, it did happen again. Many times over the next few months, she fantasized they could actually be together. The nights they would lay together, tangled up in the other, and he would tell her of how they would travel the world with his ring on her finger, of how they would be together forever. She was wrapped in a delusion so much so that somewhere in the back of her mind she started to hope he would not win, not because she wanted him to fail but for once in life she wanted to be selfish.
Then the day of his father's funeral came, and he broke down in her arms wanting her to assure him that he wasn't the loser his father claimed he was, that he was a better man than his father, and would make a great president one day soon. In that moment she knew what she had to do, to give him what he needed. Yes, she fought with herself to the bitter end, and Cyrus pushed her, he was so damn convincing. But she couldn't blame Cyrus, not this time, it was that day in Fitz's backyard, standing upon the post he had just been cutting wood on, that she knew she had to make the ultimate sacrifice, not just of committing a felony but of sabotaging them.
"Yes." She whispered, forcing the word past her throat, fearful she would choke on it.
"Yes?" Verna asked, almost sure she didn't hear correctly.
"So, you're…" Hollis verifying… making the whole situation that much harder.
"In" Liv replied much stronger this time, though her heart was breaking and what little of moral fiber she still had left ripped from her grasp.
"It's a go." And with those three words, Hollis tore her world apart. The other conspirators all pleased and utterly relived, but the weight of what she had just done consumed her. The only thing she was grateful for at that time was that none asked what she wanted in return. The act itself was her reward and her punishment all rolled into one.
Yet again they continued. The love affair that rivaled a tornado couldn't be slowed, until the day Mellie confronted her with the pin that is. The realization that her wrongful acts weren't just between them anymore was too much to bear. She had already been troubling with the affair and having to pretend to Mellie, but the wife actually knowing was something different entirely. She couldn't stay.
"I dedicate this presidency to bringing integrity back, bringing responsibility back, governing back. And I will remind my own party and those across the aisle every day that we have a sworn duty, sacred obligation, to not just pay lip service, but to actually, finally, definitively, do better. So I leave you with this pledge, at this time, in this place, with this presidency, it will be different."
And with the words of his state of the union address, words they had compiled together, sounding throughout the halls of the west wing she resigned. She gave him up in a way that would not allow her to return as she had done in the past. She made it so she would not have to look into those beautiful grey eyes of his, not be able to run her hands through his errant curls or hear the rich baritone voice that passed his lips. She removed herself from the equation entirely so she couldn't let the pain consume her and push her back into his arms. She let him go for good.
Or so she thought. Damn Cyrus and Amanda Tanner. And to think of it, damn Billy Chambers. Wait most of all, damn Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III, because had he not made a mess of things she could have been free, maybe not mentally or emotionally but at least physically.
"I have to ask." She said referring to Amanda
"No. I never, I would never. No. You've known me a long time, longer than most. You know I would not fall for some young girl. You know there's only one person I love."
As the dutiful fixer, she handled it. Right up until she found that he had lied to her. He had never done that to her, and it wasn't so much the fact that he lied perfectly but more so that she didn't catch it. He ruined her instincts. Which is why, amongst other things, she turned on him, took on Amanda as a client. But a part of her always knew she wouldn't let the girl bring down his presidency, but she knew more than ever that she wanted nothing to do with him. At the end of it all, when that poor girl's life was cut short three little words, albeit she maintained her anger, three words drew her back in "You know me."
After all that had happened she did know him. And she loved him, but she realized that the version of letting go that she had employed previously was not working. So she decided on friends. They could be friends, and they both played into the lie for quite some time right up until he got jealous of Edison, claiming it was about national security and acted in a way he had only done once before (after drinking too much and lashing out at his father).
"I am not yours. I don't show up to places because you want me. I am not yours. This is over."
She proved the very sentiment when she worked with Mellie and completely undermined him; she worked with the one person in the world she knew would most hurt him. It wasn't the first time she had done it either, which is what made it so bad. They had already kept him in a marriage he didn't want to be in only to play a part in conceiving a child out of necessity because she had let him go.
As she joined him in the bed, resting her head on his chest, moving her hand to his face, slightly hoping he would wrap his arm around her midsection the memories continued to flow. She remembered sitting on her couch only a few weeks ago sulking over the fact that the Governor was able to fool her and his wife. That bastard had intended to kill the contractor, his wife, and then himself, and she had given him an out. Not only did he get an out but a way to get one over on her, Olivia Pope, as some sick sense of revenge for losing the election.
The election. That election that changed the lives of more than just the President and those closest to him but was the event that really made everything spiral out of control, Reston included. He was 10 points ahead 6 weeks before the election and she just about took all those points away. That Tuesday night in November, it all went away.
4359. Four thousand three-hundred and fifty-nine.
1. One County. One county in Ohio. One damn county.
The Council and her, acting as if they spoke for the people, as if they had absolute power, as if they were God. They did it, and maybe in some sick act of cruelty this was God's way of punishing her for her part in it all.
She couldn't bear to think this was an act of God any further, because those acts couldn't be fixed, and she'd always liked to think that all things could be fixed. Then again maybe Verna was right. Maybe she was a fool. Maybe everything couldn't be fixed. She couldn't bear that thought any further either so she went back to after the assassination attempt when she and Cyrus were sprawled on her couch sharing a bottle of wine over the news.
"I'm making lists. Of Fitz's favorite songs, bands he likes, poems he's quoted, bible verses that seem to fit his personality, hymns he likes. Sally has me planning his funeral. Mellie's allowed me to visit him exactly once, and she revoked my privileges. I may not even get to say goodbye." She said for the first time allowing herself to doubt that he would recover.
"I'm going to say this once, and I better not ever have to say it again. Don't you ever again suggest to me that Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III is going to die. It is unacceptable coming from you. He calls you the love of his life. Don't you DARE... give up on him."
She needed that, especially from Cy. The man she considered a mentor, the man that rebuked the relationship from the minute he discovered its existence. Even more so, she needed to hear those words from him, because she knew that he was one of Fitz's closest friends and possibly his only confidant. She needed him to help pull her back together again, and it worked.
The only thing is, he still said "Were done, I'm letting you go." And for all intents and purposes he seemed to mean it, but that's what her gut told her, and let's face it if she was completely honest with herself, her gut had been a bit wonky for some time. It was all downhill since the day she met him, but she didn't really mind anymore as long as he was with her.
As she laid on his chest her hand moving to his shoulder to give him a light squeeze, letting him know that she was there with him, she was the woman that had tried to master the art of letting go, of giving up. She wasn't going to try anymore though, she was going to choose to believe that he and she, that all that were them, as aggravating as it may sometimes be, could be fixed! That as long as he woke up she would go to the end of the earth and back to be with him. She wasn't letting go again. Not this time. This time she was going to fight.
"Fitz… I'm here baby" she croaked as the tears she had holding at bay since her breakdown in Mellie's closet surfaced, wetting his hospital gown. "I'm not going anywhere; I belong to you; I'm not pushing you away anymore."
As she breathed him in a good memory was elicited and she couldn't help but smile, reciting the words he had once spoken to her, "I love you, I'm in love with you, you're the love of my life. My every feeling is controlled by the look on your face, I can't breathe without you, I can't sleep without you, I wait for you, I watch for you, I exist for you."
SO there it is. This is my version of what caused Fitz to wake up and say the most warningly beautiful thing my ears could have wished for after that horrible assassination attempt "HI!"