For the record, I'm not a Relena fan, nor do I like Dorothy at all. As a matter of fact, I think Relena needs to stop trying to kill people and three eps later say she's a pacifist. It doesn't work that way. She's a stalker for another thing. Why can't she leave Heero alone? Dorothy… eww, she simply scares me. Oh, and I'm a Quatre fan. Kill Dorothy!!! She stabbed Quatty! Um, Trowa and Quatre forever! 1 x 2!!! Kill Relena! Actually, I do have my days where I can stand Relena, and sometimes I actually like her! I feel better now, on with the fic…
…but first, a disclaimer, brought to you by…some idiots who don't know what they're talking about…
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this story, or any of the song that is mentioned. I do, however, own the computer I'm typing this on, various other small items not worth mentioning, and tons of sugar filled things for my consumption so that I can write this story and others. Oh, and I own my socks. Socks work as gloves! ^^
Things in parenthesis in this story are author notes and, well… evil.
One Weird Car Ride
"Just came back where I came from, looks the same as something's wrong!" Duo yelled loudly. The words were lyrics to an incredibly old song from the ADs. Duo seemed to enjoy yelling them loudly through the car. The other passengers were entertaining themselves in other ways.
Trowa: Watching out the window and trying to block Duo out.
Quatre: Leaning against Trowa, sleeping
Heero: Thinking up ways to make Duo shut up
Wufei: Driving the car
Wufei turned the radio off. "WAFER! Why'd you do that?!" Duo complained.
"Maxwell, don't call me Wafer. Your 'singing', as you try to pass it off as, has become very annoying. If I have to spend the next 24 hours in a car with you it will not be spent listening to that monstrosity you call a voice." Duo remained silent and leaned against the door pouting. The seating arrangement was interesting. In the front seat, Wufei sat, next to him was the cooler containing their lunch and soft drinks. In the back seat however, from left to right sat Duo, Heero, Quatre, and then Trowa. Now that Wufei had gotten Duo to shut up, Heero had nothing to do.
"I'm bored, and hungry too! I want my sandwich," Duo complained. Heero leaned up between the two front seats, retrieved a sandwich from the cooler for Duo, and, sitting back down, tossed it at him. "Thanks Heero," Duo yelled and took a big bite.
"Hn."
"Heero?" Duo said.
"What?" Heero sounded annoyed.
"Why do you say 'hn' all the time? What does it mean?"
"Duo, shut up now." The number of threats in Heero's tone was down right scary. Duo, looking undisturbed, sat back to finish his sandwich.
"Heero?"
"What Duo?" Heero wasn't too happy sounding.
"Get me my soda, please?" Duo begged.
Heero made some sort of sound as he reached up between the seats, yet again, to get a soda. Duo smiled triumphantly as Heero handed him a soda. Suddenly the car ride became very bumpy. "Wa-afer, make it sto-op!"
"Maxwell, it's a dirt road, what do you expect. Just sit there and be quiet."
Duo sat back bouncing in the seat. Quatre, was somehow still sleeping. "Wafer, I need to use the bathroom." Duo didn't, really, he just wanted something to say to occupy his time.
When they got to a rest stop, everyone got out, except for Quatre who was still sleeping. The seating arrangements changed when they got back in, Heero and Duo switched places so Duo would stop bothering Heero. Quatre was still sleeping. (Wake up Quatre!! How can I make this funny when all you do is sleep!?) Quatre moved a little closer to Trowa, but didn't wake up. (My next story, you shall be tortured Quatre.) Suddenly, remembering he hadn't opened his soda, Duo picked it up off the floor where it had fell during the bumpy ride, and opened it.
Soda went flying…on Quatre, that is. (The torture starts now.)
Quatre was still asleep. (Okay, pulse check, one of the characters isn't dead is he? If he is, I want a refund!)
Quatre woke up. Opps, false alarm.
Anyway. Soda sprayed all over Quatre, but he still stayed asleep. (Alright! He's annoying me. Someone wake him up! Can you guys hear me!?)
"Did you hear something?" Duo asked.
"No, why?" Heero asked.
"I did! It was a voice, it said to wake Quatre up!" Duo yelled.
"Maxwell's hearing voices again."
"But it did! It said that Quatre was annoying it and that someone should wake him up. Then it asked if we could hear it."
Everyone looked at Duo, except Quatre and Wufei for obvious reasons. (I am not an it! How dare you call me that Duo. I'll dress you up like a clown!)
"No! Don't dress me up like a clown!" Duo yelled.
Everyone moved a way from Duo. (Fine. Duo, wake Quatre up, and I won't.)
"Okay, I'll wake him up!"
"No you won't," Trowa said, "He's very tired, let him sleep." (I wonder why he's so tired? Heh, bad Trowa. *Laughs*)
Duo laughed and said, "Yeah, why's he so tired, Trowa?" Trowa mouth opened but nothing came out. (Duo, let's have some fun. Tell Wufei you're gonna turn him into a woman if he doesn't sing.)
Duo smiled evily. "Oh Wafer! Sing, or I'll turn you into a woman."
"Maxwell, what are you talking about? I will not sing, and you can't turn me into anything." (Okay Duo, tell him again.)
"Yeah, I can, Wafer. Sing, or you'll be a woman!"
"Maxwell's lost it, Yuy, we need a straight jacket."
Suddenly Wufei's normal clothes were replaced by a frilly blue dress and his face was garishly decorated with make-up. Wufei's eyes doubled in size as he looked at the white gloved hands turning the stearing wheel.
"MAXWELL! INJUSTICE! I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! TURN ME…" Wufei stopped speaking when he realized that his voice was a lot higher than normal. Duo laughed while Trowa and Heero sat stunned. (Okay, Duo, tell him to sing or you won't turn him back.)
"Okay! Wufei, sing and I'll turn you back."
Wufei was about to yell when he remembered his new voice. Quietly he mumbled a few lines of a song and just as suddenly as he became a woman he was turned back.
(Hmm, okay, tell Trowa to smile or… Quatre will disappear.)
"You can do that?" Duo asked the air around him.
"Do what?" Heero asked.
(Of course! I can do anything. Watch.)
Heero turned into a donkey. Trowa turned into a mouse. Heero turned into a peanut. Trowa turned into an elf.
"Cool!"
They all turned back to normal.
"Trowa… Smile, or Quatre will disappear!"
Trowa blinked. Heero raised an eyebrow.
"Duo, you're really acting weird," Trowa said slowly. Quatre disappeared. Trowa's eyes got huge.
"Smile, Trowa!" Duo yelled. Trowa smiled doubtfully. Quatre came back.
(He's still asleep! Wake him up!)
"Why don't you?" Duo asked.
"Why don't I what?" Trowa asked.
(Oh yeah, never thought of that!)
Quatre woke up.
Trowa went to sleep.
(That's really weird!)
"Duo, what exactly is going on here?" Heero asked.
"My clothes are sticky!" Quatre yelled.
Quatre's clothes disappeared, all except his boxers. Quatre's eyes grew big. "My clothes!"
(Let's make this interesting…)
Trowa woke up.
Heero fell asleep.
"Is he okay?" Duo asked looking at Heero. (He's fine, just sleeping.)
"Quatre… where are your clothes?" Trowa asked.
"I don't know. They disappeared!"
Quatre's clothes reappeared, freshly washed.
(Alright Duo, watch this.)
Everyone except Wufei went Chibi.
"Woah!" Duo yelled.
"Trowa, the car grew."
"No, Quatre, I think we shrunk, look at Wufei."
Everyone turned really old.
"AH! I wost my teep!" yelled Duo.
"Your what?" asked Trowa.
"My teep!"
"Your jeep?"
"No, Trowa, his teeth," Quatre yelled.
"Oh. What about his jeep, did he find it?"
Everyone went back to normal.
"Alright, I'm pulling over and you, Maxwell, are going to explain what's going on," Wufei declared. Wufei turned the wheel, and the car went straight. He tried again, same result. They reached a curve, the car turned. "The car is driving itself!"
"Cool!" Duo yelled.
(Hey Duo, what should I do next?)
Heero woke up.
Wufei fell sleep.
"Wufei! Wake up, we're gonna wreck." Heero said shaking Wufei. They were heading for a curve on the cliff. Suddenly the car turned itself. "What the…"
"The car knows how to drive!" Duo yelled cheerfully.
(Hm… let's have fun with Heero)
"Okay!" Duo yelled.
"Okay what?" Heero asked staring at Duo.
"Duo, who are you talking to?" questioned Quatre.
"Yeah, Duo, you've been saying things for no reason a lot," added Trowa.
"Who are you?" Duo asked.
(I'm the all powerful one.)
"What do you mean, Duo?" asked Quatre.
"You know who we are," Trowa said.
"Yeah, but, I need to know your name," Duo said.
Everyone looked at each other.
(Um, I'm not telling.)
"Fine then," Duo said and looked at everyone, "I can't tell you who I'm talking to."
*** 3 hours later ***
Duo was sitting on Heero. Quatre, who was a puppy, sat next to them. Trowa was no where to be seen.
"Trowa? Where are you?" Quatre asked and looked around.
"I'm down here."
"Where?" asked Quatre.
"Next to your foot, er, paw."
Quatre looked down and there was Trowa, albeit he was as big as a quarter.
"Trowa!" Quatre yelled.
(Quatre's the talking puppy. *laughs* Now what to do? Hmm… heh, that's a good one.)
"Uh oh, she's gonna do something," Duo said… and then turned into a cat. Duo hissed, Quatre whimpered.
(Scaredy cat, er, dog.)
Trowa turned into a purple rabbit with green ears. Quatre turned back to normal. Quatre picked up the little Trowa-bunny-thing and sat it on his lap. Duo-cat-thing looked at it curiously.
"Duo, curiosity killed the cat," Heero said. Duo crawled into the small place between Heero and the door and laid down. Trowa turned into an eagle.
"This is really strange. Duo, who exactly is doing all this anyway?" Asked Quatre.
"Merow."
(Heh, Duo can't talk!)
Duo's thoughts: But I can still think. The question is, can you hear me?
(Yep!)
Heero blinked.
Heero's thoughts: Duo? Is that you?
Duo's thoughts: Heero!? How can you hear me?
Heero's thoughts: How should I know? What in the hell is going on?
Duo's thoughts: I'm not sure. This person keeps talking to me.
(That's me! So, isn't the little mind thing neat? Oh, and I can hear Heero too.)
D'sT: She can hear your thoughts.
H'sT: She? She who?
D'sT: I'm not sure…
(I'm no one at all Duo, simply a voice in your head.)
D'sT: She says she's just a voice in my head.
(Duo, let's play some more games. How bout Romeo and Juliet?)
Duo's eyes grew.
D'sT: You wouldn't.
(Here we go!)
Duo and Heero went back to normal.
Heero (Romeo): But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun! Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou her maid art far more fair than she. Be not her maid, since she is envious. Her vestal livery is but sick and green, and none but fools do where it. Cast it off. It is my lady! O, it is my love!
(Your lady? Wait livery is clothes, ne? Cast it off!? Heero! You perv!)
Heero (Romeo): O, that she knew she were! She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that? Her eye discourses; I will answer it. I am too bold; 'tis not to me she speaks. Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven, having some business, do entreat her eyes to twinkle in their spheres till they return. What if her eyes were there, they in her head? The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars as daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven would through airy region stream so bright that birds would sing and think it were not night. See how she leans her cheek upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek!
(Enough already Heero! We get the point!)
Duo (Juliet): Ay me!
Heero: She speaks. O, speak again…
(That's enough! Alright, scene change, this is boring! Um… oh yeah, DEATH SCENE!)
"No!" Duo yelled.
(Wait, I was gonna keep this story nice for all my non-yaoi fans… Romeo and Juliet kiss and that scene no can do…)
"Thank you!" Duo yelled.
(I liked it better when you couldn't talk. Wait a sec… Why isn't Quatre talking?)
Quatre's asleep.
(NO!!!)
Trowa-bunny hops to the front seat.
(Quatre… I'm gonna hurt you.)
D'sT: I can't talk again!!!
H'sT: Neither can I…
(Heh, for once Duo shuts up!)
H'sT: *chuckles a little*
D'sT: That is not funny! Wait, you hear her, Heero?
(Yeah it was)
H'sT; Heard who? I was just thinking about something…
(Perv!)
Q'sT: What's going on?
D'sT & H'sT: Quatre!?
Q'sT: W-what?
D'sT: This is too weird!
H'sT: Quatre, aren't you asleep?
(Actually, you're all asleep!)
D'sT: WHAT!?!
H'sT: What was that all about Duo?
Q'sT: Ow, my ears hurt…
D'sT: She says we're ALL asleep!
T'sT: We are?
Q'sT: Trowa!
D'sT & H'sT: Trowa!?
T'sT: Who's she?
(I am the all-powerful block of cheese from last Easter!)
D'sT: EWW! She says she's cheese from last Easter!
Heero raises an eyebrow in his sleep.
H'sT: Omae o korosu.
D'sT: Heero, do you ALWAYS have to say that?
H'sT: Hn.
D'sT: What does THAT mean!?
H'sT: It means shut up Duo.
D'sT: Oh.
D'sT: Trowa and Quatre stopped talking.
H'sT: Maybe they woke up.
D'sT: D'ya think so?
H'sT: Probably.
T'sT: I'm getting a headache…
D'sT: Poor Tro baby…
T'sT: What?
D'sT: Poor Tro baby…
(Duo, what are you eating under there?)
D'sT: Under where?
H'sT & T'sT: Underwear?
H'sT: Duo, what are you talking about now?
D'sT: She asked me what I was eating…
T'sT: but you said underwear…
D'sT: Well she said 'What are you eating under there?' So I said 'Under where?'
H'sT: Omae o korosu.
D'sT: Me?
H'sT: Omae o korosu.
D'sT: Stop saying that.
H'sT: Omae o korosu.
(Haha! He's stuck on repeat!)
D'sT: You mean I have to put up with this until you make him stop?
T'sT: What?
(Pretty much.)
D'sT: Damn.
(Don't swear.)
D'sT: But I wanna. Shit! See?
(Duo, don't do that…)
D'sT: Watch this… **** *** *** ****** *****. ****'* ***** **?
(I put you on mute… sorta… actually I just censored everything you say. Even if you don't swear…)
D'sT: ******?
(Yep.)
T'sT: It's quiet…
D'sT: *'* **** *****.
H'sT: Omae o korosu.
(The people playing the drinking games are drunk by now. ^^)
D'sT: *laughs*
T'sT: Duo?
D'sT: ****?
T'sT: Duo? Are you there?
D'sT: ***.
H'sT: He says yes.
T'sT: I can't hear him.
D'sT: *** **** **** ******** **.
H'sT: He says the evil lady censored him.
T'sT: Why do you still hear him?
(Magic? I don't know, but this is weird… Trowa's still that odd looking rabbit…)
D'sT: *** **** *****.
H'sT: Duo said she says magic.
T'sT: If you say so.
D'sT: * ***'* *** **!
H'sT: He says he can't say so.
Q'sT: Where's Wufei anyway?
D'sT: ******* **** *****!
H'sT: Hn… Duo says welcome back…
Q'sT: Um, why doesn't he just say it?
H'sT: He can't talk, whoever is doing this censored him.
Q'sT: He CAN'T TALK!?! Is that possible?
H'sT: I didn't think so either, but she did it…
(I'll censor you all.)
D'sT: **!
H'sT: What's wrong Duo?
D'sT: *** ** ***** ** ****** *** ** ***!
H'sT: Damn.
T'sT: ****? {what?}
Q'sT: ****? {what?}
H'sT: *** *** **** ** ***? {can you hear me duo?}
D'sT: **. {no.}
Heero smirks.
H'sT: **** *** ***'* **** ****… {then you won't hear this…}
H'sT: I love Duo.
T'sT: Um, Heero?
Q'sT: You do? How cute!
D'sT: Heh, I heard that.
H'sT: DAMN THAT WOMAN!!
Relena's Thoughts: Heero? You do?
H'sT: Er, Relena?
R'sT: Heero, how could you!?
H'sT: Um, yeah, I love Duo… too bad for you… now leave!!!
D'sT: Um…
W'sT: Is the weakling gone?
H'sT: That worked… amazing…
D'sT: Do you really love me?
H'sT: Omae o korosu.
D'sT: You do!? Oh Heero!!
The other four sweatdrop.
(Okay I'll leave you people alone now…)
Everything goes back to normal.
Including the car.
So they crash into a tree.
(Opps, sorry… heh…)
So, what did you think? Be kind, it's my first humor attempt… R&R please!