Hi everyone!!!! Hope you like my fic. It's my first try at a Discworld fic so be nice!! It's very hard to write in his style but I tried my best. Please read and review! Thanx!!
The Wheel
Rincewind woke with a start. Or was it a stop? He couldn't tell. Whatever it was it hurt. He couldn't see. He was laying in a cramped room in pitch-black darkness- no, high-pitch-black darkness. He managed to confuse himself. Slowly he prodded around and found the room was rather small. He could reach the end with his toes and his wizzard hat was squashed flat at the other end. Above him he could fell a sort-of domed roof so close he couldn't quite extend his arms straight. He felt very claustrophobic. Then suddenly it hit him-literally. Something cloth-like suddenly came from nowhere and landed on his face, he screamed and tried to wrench it off flailing around like a fish stuck out of water. He hit the roof. It moved. He calmed himself down enough to push it again. It moved again. With a great heave he pushed it open. Sunlight poured in the little room, that wasn't a little room. It was, in fact the inside of The Luggage, and he had a pair of freshly cleaned and ironed (God knows how) pair of underpants on the tip of his hat, swinging like a flag in a bored breeze. He clambered out a bit mystified. The Luggage turned and stared at him (as only a magical chest can do) in disgust. Rincewind stared back. He checked his surroundings. Around him lay barren wasteland as far as the eye couldn't see. Rocks littered the ground like the bones of animals outside a wolf den. The sky was pink and yellow like a strawberry blancmange. Now, Rincewind was used to being in stupid places but normally he remembered how he got there, or who put him there, or what put him there for that matter. He frowned. Someone behind him spoke. He slowly turned on the spot.
'Hello.'
Rincewind frowned again. Behind him were three little dwarf type creatures each standing just two feet tall. He turned to run. He'd learnt over the years when someone said 'hello' they were probably going to imprison you, eat you, do experiments on you, use you as a hat stand and so on. And normally the cuter and more helpful they looked the more dangerous they were.
'Don't go!' called the middle of the three.
'We're here to help you,' said the Left one.
'Yes,' agreed the Right.
Rincewind decided to give them a miniscule chance.
'Hello,' he murmured, 'Erm, what are you?' he asked as politely as possible.
'We're here to help,' said the middle again, but this time he did something else except just speak. He passed wind.
Rincewind frowned-hard.
'Yes but what type of creatures are you?' he asked patiently.
'Aerolapsers,' said the left as if being an Aerolapser was the normalised thing in the world.
'We were sent us to look after you,' said the Right, before belching loudly.
Rincewind groaned. He'd been longing for a guardian angel type thing for ages, someone who would look after him, someone who would stop the amount pain he usually went through and what did he get? Three bloody farty dwarfs.
' And what do you do then?' he asked the Left although dreading the answer. The last Aerolapser hiccupped. Rincewind turned around and started smashing his head against the top of The Luggage.
'Why me!!!' he shouted to no-one-in-particular. No-one-in-particular took no notice.
Hidden behind a large rocky outcrop quite a distance away, three goblins stood peering into the distance. All three were wearing ripped beige waistcoats and short green trousers. A large blue boil rested on the tip of the tallest ones nose. He had a long, bronze telescope pressed against a blood-shot eye and was staring at Rincewind trying to knock himself unconscious.
' That's the ruddy idiot that tried to steal our Thingy!' he snorted, 'Ere' Gamboge 'ave a look.'
He passed the telescope to the other goblin he snatched it away and stared down it.
'Well, well, well Gamete, it is the fool.' He squinted harder. 'Tryin' to kill 'imself'
'Huh! It'll save us doin' it then wont it?' said the third his face screwed up as he tried to make out what was happening.
'Shurrup Grub,' muttered Gamboge,' and get The Thingy set up, it's time for payback.'
Grub dribbled in delight and set off to set up the strange contraption that stood behind the three figures.
**********
Rincewind gained control and decided to change his underwear. He walked quite a distance away and hid behind another rock. With great effort he pulled off his current underpants and let them fall to the ground. They disintegrated. He shook his head. With a great sigh of relief he pulled on his new pair. He walked out from behind the rock and something in the distance caught his eye. Great billows of dust were being flung up in the air by a strange machine. It was moving a great speed. When it came properly into view Rincewind could make it out. It was mainly a huge wheel perhaps four or five feet wide. Around the wheel a huge silver framework was attached. On the sides of the wheel, on both axis a seat was positioned. On top the framework supported another seat. A huge lethal-looking spike on beams stuck out in the front. Counter-balancing the spike at the other end a huge motor lay. Looking like a huge furnace with odd levers and springs on it gushed fire out the back propelling the vehicle. It was very well balanced, but looked like it was stuck together by sellotape.
Rincewind screamed and turned to run. The goblins on the Thingy cursed and yelled at him, as the Thingy grew closer. Rincewind couldn't outrun it so he turned to face it. Just as it got near he flung himself out the way. But as Rincewind's luck went (which was badly) his cloak got caught on the underneath of the seat he had tried to avoid.
'Gerroff!!,' roared Gamete trying to knock him off with his mace.
'Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!'
Rincewind's nose was almost skimming the ground as the Thingy, with the extra weight started to lean to his side. The goblins yelled and roared at him. The Thingy slowly screeched and rocked into the path of -Luggage.
'Trash the box!!!' roared Gamboge at the top of the wheel.
Rincewind was about to warn them against that but it was too late. There was an almighty crash, bang and then a wallop as they collided. Much to the surprise of the goblins, they came off worse. The Thingy flew through the air, resulting in Rincewind sailing off and landing promptly in a sand dune. The goblins were not as lucky however. The Thingy smashed into the ground. The framework buckling instantly. The goblins were dashed into the dusty road, which made them a lot less scary then before (unless of course you were scared of Strawberry jam). The Wheel however, free of its riders spun through the air and slammed into the ground, continuing forward at a great speed into the sunset. The Luggage turned to look at the goblins and gave them what looked very much like a middle finger (as only Luggage can do).
********
The main road was almost deserted as Rincewind, The Luggage and the Aerolapsers made their way down it. Rincewind had his finger firmly planted in his ear trying to get out a load of sand. He had recently leant the three Aerolapsers names, they were Belch, Zephyr and Hic-Up, how bloody appropriate he thought bitterly. As they passed a pub Rincewind had a thought, which mainly consisted, of-get pissed/ forget troubles. He turned into the pub.
'Stay here,' he growled at the nuisances.
They all hopped up and sat on The Luggage. Rincewind collapsed on the bar.
'What you'd be 'avin then mate?' asked the bartender, a giant of a man with tree-trunk arms and a huge cheery smile.
Rincewind turned to see the three Aerolapsers grinning at him through the doorway. He thought-but not for long.
'The strongest you've got,' he moaned.
It was late night by the time Rincewind left the blessed pub. He staggered down the street followed by his 'guardians'. He started singing Christmas carols at the top of his voice. But abruptly a deep rumbling could be heard down the street, followed by several screams. He peered into the gloom. Dustbins were being thrown around as a huge beast made its way down the street-It was that bloody Wheel. He screamed and tried to jump into Luggage. The Aerolapsers got there first.
'Open up!!!' he wailed at the sealed chest.
'Bloody useless guardians!!' he roared at the chest giving it a good kicking.
The Wheel grew closer. Rincewind didn't know what to do. He jumped onto the chest, curled up and tried to disappear. It didn't work. The Luggage was struck with a great force. Rincewind flew through the air, screaming over the rickety old fence on the side of the road and promptly landed in a dark brown pool. Chocking and gurgling he rose to the surface swallowing liquid and waving his arms around madly.
'What the hell is this?' he cried to the small little man at the side of the pond.
'Cesspool' replied the man cheerfully.
'Shit,' said Rincewind.
'Exactly,' came the reply.
The Wheel
Rincewind woke with a start. Or was it a stop? He couldn't tell. Whatever it was it hurt. He couldn't see. He was laying in a cramped room in pitch-black darkness- no, high-pitch-black darkness. He managed to confuse himself. Slowly he prodded around and found the room was rather small. He could reach the end with his toes and his wizzard hat was squashed flat at the other end. Above him he could fell a sort-of domed roof so close he couldn't quite extend his arms straight. He felt very claustrophobic. Then suddenly it hit him-literally. Something cloth-like suddenly came from nowhere and landed on his face, he screamed and tried to wrench it off flailing around like a fish stuck out of water. He hit the roof. It moved. He calmed himself down enough to push it again. It moved again. With a great heave he pushed it open. Sunlight poured in the little room, that wasn't a little room. It was, in fact the inside of The Luggage, and he had a pair of freshly cleaned and ironed (God knows how) pair of underpants on the tip of his hat, swinging like a flag in a bored breeze. He clambered out a bit mystified. The Luggage turned and stared at him (as only a magical chest can do) in disgust. Rincewind stared back. He checked his surroundings. Around him lay barren wasteland as far as the eye couldn't see. Rocks littered the ground like the bones of animals outside a wolf den. The sky was pink and yellow like a strawberry blancmange. Now, Rincewind was used to being in stupid places but normally he remembered how he got there, or who put him there, or what put him there for that matter. He frowned. Someone behind him spoke. He slowly turned on the spot.
'Hello.'
Rincewind frowned again. Behind him were three little dwarf type creatures each standing just two feet tall. He turned to run. He'd learnt over the years when someone said 'hello' they were probably going to imprison you, eat you, do experiments on you, use you as a hat stand and so on. And normally the cuter and more helpful they looked the more dangerous they were.
'Don't go!' called the middle of the three.
'We're here to help you,' said the Left one.
'Yes,' agreed the Right.
Rincewind decided to give them a miniscule chance.
'Hello,' he murmured, 'Erm, what are you?' he asked as politely as possible.
'We're here to help,' said the middle again, but this time he did something else except just speak. He passed wind.
Rincewind frowned-hard.
'Yes but what type of creatures are you?' he asked patiently.
'Aerolapsers,' said the left as if being an Aerolapser was the normalised thing in the world.
'We were sent us to look after you,' said the Right, before belching loudly.
Rincewind groaned. He'd been longing for a guardian angel type thing for ages, someone who would look after him, someone who would stop the amount pain he usually went through and what did he get? Three bloody farty dwarfs.
' And what do you do then?' he asked the Left although dreading the answer. The last Aerolapser hiccupped. Rincewind turned around and started smashing his head against the top of The Luggage.
'Why me!!!' he shouted to no-one-in-particular. No-one-in-particular took no notice.
Hidden behind a large rocky outcrop quite a distance away, three goblins stood peering into the distance. All three were wearing ripped beige waistcoats and short green trousers. A large blue boil rested on the tip of the tallest ones nose. He had a long, bronze telescope pressed against a blood-shot eye and was staring at Rincewind trying to knock himself unconscious.
' That's the ruddy idiot that tried to steal our Thingy!' he snorted, 'Ere' Gamboge 'ave a look.'
He passed the telescope to the other goblin he snatched it away and stared down it.
'Well, well, well Gamete, it is the fool.' He squinted harder. 'Tryin' to kill 'imself'
'Huh! It'll save us doin' it then wont it?' said the third his face screwed up as he tried to make out what was happening.
'Shurrup Grub,' muttered Gamboge,' and get The Thingy set up, it's time for payback.'
Grub dribbled in delight and set off to set up the strange contraption that stood behind the three figures.
**********
Rincewind gained control and decided to change his underwear. He walked quite a distance away and hid behind another rock. With great effort he pulled off his current underpants and let them fall to the ground. They disintegrated. He shook his head. With a great sigh of relief he pulled on his new pair. He walked out from behind the rock and something in the distance caught his eye. Great billows of dust were being flung up in the air by a strange machine. It was moving a great speed. When it came properly into view Rincewind could make it out. It was mainly a huge wheel perhaps four or five feet wide. Around the wheel a huge silver framework was attached. On the sides of the wheel, on both axis a seat was positioned. On top the framework supported another seat. A huge lethal-looking spike on beams stuck out in the front. Counter-balancing the spike at the other end a huge motor lay. Looking like a huge furnace with odd levers and springs on it gushed fire out the back propelling the vehicle. It was very well balanced, but looked like it was stuck together by sellotape.
Rincewind screamed and turned to run. The goblins on the Thingy cursed and yelled at him, as the Thingy grew closer. Rincewind couldn't outrun it so he turned to face it. Just as it got near he flung himself out the way. But as Rincewind's luck went (which was badly) his cloak got caught on the underneath of the seat he had tried to avoid.
'Gerroff!!,' roared Gamete trying to knock him off with his mace.
'Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!'
Rincewind's nose was almost skimming the ground as the Thingy, with the extra weight started to lean to his side. The goblins yelled and roared at him. The Thingy slowly screeched and rocked into the path of -Luggage.
'Trash the box!!!' roared Gamboge at the top of the wheel.
Rincewind was about to warn them against that but it was too late. There was an almighty crash, bang and then a wallop as they collided. Much to the surprise of the goblins, they came off worse. The Thingy flew through the air, resulting in Rincewind sailing off and landing promptly in a sand dune. The goblins were not as lucky however. The Thingy smashed into the ground. The framework buckling instantly. The goblins were dashed into the dusty road, which made them a lot less scary then before (unless of course you were scared of Strawberry jam). The Wheel however, free of its riders spun through the air and slammed into the ground, continuing forward at a great speed into the sunset. The Luggage turned to look at the goblins and gave them what looked very much like a middle finger (as only Luggage can do).
********
The main road was almost deserted as Rincewind, The Luggage and the Aerolapsers made their way down it. Rincewind had his finger firmly planted in his ear trying to get out a load of sand. He had recently leant the three Aerolapsers names, they were Belch, Zephyr and Hic-Up, how bloody appropriate he thought bitterly. As they passed a pub Rincewind had a thought, which mainly consisted, of-get pissed/ forget troubles. He turned into the pub.
'Stay here,' he growled at the nuisances.
They all hopped up and sat on The Luggage. Rincewind collapsed on the bar.
'What you'd be 'avin then mate?' asked the bartender, a giant of a man with tree-trunk arms and a huge cheery smile.
Rincewind turned to see the three Aerolapsers grinning at him through the doorway. He thought-but not for long.
'The strongest you've got,' he moaned.
It was late night by the time Rincewind left the blessed pub. He staggered down the street followed by his 'guardians'. He started singing Christmas carols at the top of his voice. But abruptly a deep rumbling could be heard down the street, followed by several screams. He peered into the gloom. Dustbins were being thrown around as a huge beast made its way down the street-It was that bloody Wheel. He screamed and tried to jump into Luggage. The Aerolapsers got there first.
'Open up!!!' he wailed at the sealed chest.
'Bloody useless guardians!!' he roared at the chest giving it a good kicking.
The Wheel grew closer. Rincewind didn't know what to do. He jumped onto the chest, curled up and tried to disappear. It didn't work. The Luggage was struck with a great force. Rincewind flew through the air, screaming over the rickety old fence on the side of the road and promptly landed in a dark brown pool. Chocking and gurgling he rose to the surface swallowing liquid and waving his arms around madly.
'What the hell is this?' he cried to the small little man at the side of the pond.
'Cesspool' replied the man cheerfully.
'Shit,' said Rincewind.
'Exactly,' came the reply.