Title: City skylines can hide a multitude of fears
Show: Glee
Pairing: Britana
Rating: M (for language)
Disclaimer: I do not own anything Glee related, but please note that the song included in this fiction is copyrighted to itinerantPoet and should not be reproduced in anyway without my consent.
Summary: Santana finds herself in New York with her mind set on winning Brit back. AU but follows on from 'Naked'.
New York suited her, she liked to think that it was because of the pace of the city, she could get lost in a busy street and find herself surrounded by strangers who didn't know anything about her. In reality being closer to Quinn and Rachel stopped her heart hurting quite so much, not that she would admit that to either of the girls. The new version of their friendship was something she couldn't admit to needing, but right now, it was the only thing that was helping her get through all the lonely nights.
The room she had managed to rent, 20 minutes from Rachel's bare brick cavern of a flat, was cozy, and the girls she was sharing with kept very much to themselves, a positive selling point apparently, although she'd managed to persuade a few of them to join her at the local bar last night, and perhaps they had bonded a little, only time would tell.
New York suited her, but it was a very long way from home, it was a very long way from the dustbowl middle of nowhere that was Lima, Ohio. For the last hour she had sat on her bed, the radio turned down to a gentle hum of top 40 melodies, competing with the sound of the rain against her window. She'd hoped to get out and explore the city a little bit more, she'd managed to get a job at the local coffee shop but the hours left little time for herself, just a jump from shift to bed to shift for the last few weeks. Her first day off had been a shining beacon in the future for so long that when it arrived, toasted with drinks too many to count, she found that every one else was busy, and she was left, with the hope that the rain might cease and she could get out of her mind, and her room.
For the last few weeks, she'd allowed herself to fall into a cycle, her days off consisted of sleep, and making her way around the neighbourhood, working out which grocery stores weren't too sketchy, seeing if there was anywhere she could escape too, or perform at. She would call Quinn often, it was nice to know that she was only a few hours away, although they had yet to meet up.
Ring. Ring. "Quinn calling"
"Yo Bitch, what's up?" She answered, a smile finally spreading across her face after the lonely morning.
"That's fucking delightful Santana, Hello to you to, I'd thought I'd call and see if maybe you were around next week, I'm coming in to the city to see Rachel, and wanted to see your ugly face." Quinn laughed as she replied.
"So i'm second best? Fucking lovely, thanks, a-fucking-lot,"
"Not second best, I have some stuff I need to talk to you about, kind of, I think, but I want to do it face to face, are you around? Please?" Quinn asked.
"Yeah, i'm here, nothing else to do, Thursdays and Fridays are better, you finally decided you're gay for Berry?" Santana offered.
"Santana! Shut up, I want to see if you're ok, I know there is stuff going on, and I know you need someone to talk to, So stop with all the joking around bullshit and meet me next week ok?" Quinn shouted down the phone.
"Fine, yes, I will meet you for lunch."
"Good, now I have class, so i'll call you later. Stay safe bitch." Quinn replied, ending the call before Santana had chance to reply.
It was another 2 hours, sat watching the rain, going over the phone conversation, trying to work out what Quinn was talking about. After every discussion with herself, it came back to one person, it always came back to one person, Britney.
"God I miss her." She'd wanted to call her best friend so many times since she'd been in New York, tell her about the adventures, but every time she saw her face, she saw Sam, just behind her, his big fat lips taunting her, kissing her neck. She wanted to scream at him to get off her Britney, she wasn't his. Every time she closed her eyes this was what she saw, and it stabbed at her heart like blunted scissors.
She'd done the video to try and remind him, a nice gesture disguised, to try and remind him that she existed, a kick start to him realising that she would always be there, for Britney. After the video had gone to Finn, she'd realised that she'd given away her secret, in a joke but still, that she'd been writing songs, trying to learn an art, trying to find an avenue for her own feelings. There had been so many feelings swimming around her mind that sometimes she got so lost she almost drowned. So she wrote songs, line after line, interspersed with guitar parts, about everything in her heart, a notebook full of lyrics sat under her dresser, hidden from prying eyes.
Her guitar had been left to the side of her bed for a few days, and now she felt like she needed to get something off her chest. Picking it up, turning the radio off, and grabbing the new note pad that sat on her shelf she settled down, the edge of the bed her perch, with the beautiful wood of the second hand guitar settled against her thigh. For the next few hours, she found herself lost in the words that were spinning around her mind, lines crossed out, words circled, arrows drawn pulling some form of a song together. Before she had the chance to regret it, she hit 'record' on the computer and began to sing, letting the words of the song gently flow, the deep pain of her voice evident as the guitar accompanied her, the words cracking her voice at moments when it was just too hard to close her eyes because there was always the shock of blonde hair and that smile waiting for her.
It's a long road back to this
I've made mistakes I know
I let go of you too many times
I promised I'd be brave for you
but I caused you so much pain
it broke me straight in half
'''
I've been lost before
but you were north for me
I've travelled highways in my mind
come across junctions with no signs
You were my guiding star
A light so bright I was blinded
it was love for me
'''
My fingers have been reaching out
trying to find your skin to brush
lips to kiss against mine
I've missed your heartbeat love
missed the part of me you made
I can't trust who I am
without you
"'
I've been lost before
but you were north for me
I've travelled highways in my mind
come across junctions with no signs
You were my guiding star
A light so bright I was blinded
it was love for me
'''
I'm following your light love
I got lost along the way
I've been gone too long without you
but i'm coming home
let me come home to you
let us be
let me come home to you
my love
'''
She played the fading loop of chords for a few more moments than the song needed, not quite able to end the thoughts that were floating through her mind. The recording still going as she let a gentle sob fall from her mouth. Until that moment she hadn't quite realised how much this all hurt, she'd battled along with a false sense of confidence, sure that because she'd made the decision it was the right one. But the burning fire that engulfed her heart at that moment, the searing pain of loneliness made her feel physically sick, taking deep breaths to try and calm the nausea that settled across her stomach.
She knew she should listen to the track again, somehow find a sense of objectivity before letting someone else hear it, it was the purest emotions she had ever felt, bundled up in 3 minutes, and it was a little overwhelming. She should ring Quinn, or ask Rachel to listen to it, someone she could trust, but there was only one person she wanted to hear this song, only one person who those words really needed to reach.
Dear B,
This is my heart, do with it as you please, it is yours,
Always,
S x
Sealing the newly written envelope, a tear silently fell from her eye and caught the edge of the packet. She watched for a moment as the water soaked into the paper, the colour of the manilla turning a muddy brown, the edges softening and the paper taking on, just for a moment, the ruffled ragged feelings of her heart. It took just half an hour to get down to the post office and mail the package, the lady at the counter, she was sure, noticed the streaks of mascara at the corner of her eyes, and the empty soul reflected in her eyes. But she said nothing, and she was glad, she wasn't sure whether she would have been able to say much, beyond the thank you that she uttered as she left.
She knew that today the mailman would have delivered that package. She knew that the mailman didn't visit until Brit had left for school. She knew that right now Brit would have arrived home from Glee club, and seen the mail waiting for her. She knew that Brit would have saved it until after dinner because then she didn't have to concentrate on homework. She knew that Brit would have opened the package, because it was gone 11 and Brit needed her sleep.
For a whole week, snap shot moments would play in her head, wondering whether Britney would react, each moment she would know, with all honestly, what would be happening back in Lima, Ohio, like she was watching a TV show recording. She knew Brit too well, she mused, and that thought nearly broke her heart as she cleared mugs away from a newly emptied table. The coffee shop was a welcome distraction to her own thoughts, she hadn't told Quinn about the song, hadn't told anyone that she'd been even writing, that would be one explanation too far.
Her next day off came like a black cloud, a dull pin point on her journey, she knew that she needed to be networking, meeting people, making those all important New York City connections, but this week, this week was about grieving, she couldn't allow herself to feel hope. Her phone hadn't gone with calls from Britney, no alerts to IM's or Skype calls on her laptop, she'd left herself online for almost 7 days straight now, hoping that the blondes face would appear with 'Britney S Pierce Calling' message. Her room-mates had offered her a night out, drinks to celebrate 4 weeks in the big apple, but something about celebrating didn't feel quite right. She needed to grieve the hope that she had held on to for the last 6 months.
The last drops of the beer she had been nursing tasted bitter, and as the bottle joined the other 3 that lay to the side of her bed, she found the courage to press play on her computer and finally re-listen to the song she'd poured her heart into just a week before. The rain had stopped a few days ago and the spring air in New York was a nice break from the old smells of Lima, she found having the window open was a good reminder that she was meant to be living her dreams, the sounds of honks and the bustle of a New York evening friendly.
My fingers have been reaching out
trying to find your skin to brush
lips to kiss against mine
I've missed your heartbeat love
missed the part of me you made
I can't trust who I am
without you
A sob found its way out of her mouth, and she pulled her pillow up and clutched it against her chest. The comfort of holding something only lasted a moment, hearing her heart being poured out in a song to the only person she'd ever loved, unsure if anyone had even heard it outside of this room. If she'd have been in any state to notice, she have been pleased with the resonance of her voice, how it carried a deep and soulful voice that would, she hoped, win her a contract. But the words were too raw, the sounds too painful as she let the song repeat, her heart held in the palm of one song, clenched and squeezed until she found that she was struggling to breath.
I've been lost before
but you were north for me
I've travelled highways in my mind
come across junctions with no signs
You were my guiding star
A light so bright I was blinded
it was love for me
The song looped for a few more times before her tears dried, it took a deep breath in to calm the hiccups and start to calm the panic that had risen like bile in her mouth. The song paused she reveled in the silence for a few moments, her room mates must be out she thought, and she was glad, that perhaps they hadn't heard her cry, or the song. It was half an hour before she had fully recovered, the pillow gentle placed, face up so that the tears that had soaked into the cotton could dry before she fell asleep on it later. A rumble in her stomach signaled that she'd missed dinner, still in the clothes she had thrown on that morning, the day being lost in a pattern of silence and sadness. Toast would have to do at this hour, it was only 9pm but she knew that she would struggle to stay awake for much longer, and tomorrow, another day off, she needed to venture outside of the apartment.
Pulling her body from the bed, and stretching, arching into the pain as it travelled across her back, having not been a cheerleader for over 2 months now, her body was beginning to find the strain in her daily routine, and she hoped that she could afford a gym membership soon before her muscles departed her for a younger model. A deep breath later and she was ready to face any stray room mates that may be hanging out in the kitchen, she secretly hoped that she could escape the looks and conversations, they only cared but it was like they wanted to see into her soul, and it had been hard enough coming out to them, she didn't want to explain about Britney too.
Pulling open the door her face paled, and were she not holding onto the door handle she would have collapse, her legs failing her for a moment as the adrenaline rushed around her body.
"Hi."
"Urm, how did you? Why?" She let the breath out she'd be holding in a big gasp.
"I've been stood here for about 20 minutes trying to find a reason to knock on your door, or walk away. You know it's really difficult talking to yourself when you have to be quiet, my inside voice nearly became my outside voice."
A slow track of tears made their way down Santana's face, left over mascara marking lines against her ashen face.
"God i've missed you."
"Did you mean it? Did you mean what you sung? Coz I had to listen to it a lot but I think I understand what you were singing, I forgot how much I love your voice Tana".
"Every word Brit, every single fucking word" she whispered, finally having the courage to let go of the door handle and step forward.
"I took a plane here, Quinn had to help me, I made her promise not to tell you, and not to tell Rachel, I think she likes her, but I wanted to come here, to see you, I left him Tana, I wanted to see you." Brit confessed.
"Why Brit? It's so good to see you, but why are you here?" she whispered in response, the butterflies in her stomach causing a storm to erupt at Brit's words.
"For this, I came here for this." Britney answered, taking a large step forward, dropping her bag on the floor as she crashed their lips together. Her left hand snaking around Santana's neck and pulling her inexplicable closer, their tongues battling for dominance and Santana's hands found the blondes hips, kneading and pulling at such familiar skin.
After air became an issue she pulled back, tucking blonde hair behind her partners ears as she caught her eye.
"What?" Santana asked.
"Be mine? write me songs? Skype with me? let me fall asleep with you? let me kiss you like I know no one else can? let me have a side of the bed, so that when I move here to dance it's waiting for me?" Britney let a few tears slide down her face.
"That song, it was me wanting all of that, no him? no anyone else? Please?" she offered, catching her hand in Britney's and dropping her gaze, it was too hard to look her in the eye.
"I promise, I missed you Tana, and not just the sweet lady kisses, although it's not so much fun by myself." Britney confessed.
At this Santana giggled, letting the smile that had been threatening to break out spread across her face and into her eyes.
"Now, if you don't kiss me right now Brit, I might die."
"Well, we wouldn't want that, then the unicorns would be really sad, and I don't know if rainbows would work either. I'd be super sad too..."
"It's ok Brit, I'm not going anywhere." At that, Santana smiled, and pulled Britney to her, crashing their lips together and pushing the door shut, pressing the blonde against the door, their bodies fitting so perfectly together that they remembered each touch and each sigh of every other time they'd been together.
Toast was long forgotten.