Way back, during the Japanese Vacation trip story, we crossed over with Naruto and several other anime franchises and hilarity insued and consumed us all. Now Naruto is back with all his ninja buddies and this time we are not going to treat him like a loser. You see after watching Naruto a little more I've come to sympathize with the little orange wearing loud mouth. So now that I like him its time to show that. I've been working on this since Naruto Shippudden came out last week and I hope all fellow Naruto fans love it. Enjoy and watch out for a special twist near the end of the story.
Edit: Edited for spelling
The Ninja Art of Sergeant Pain!
Co-Starring Robin and Beast Boy
GR's house where he's busy slurping a large slushie. Then of course he notices us readers spying on him.
GR: Oh hello everyone, you're probably wondering why at the moment I am niether having sex or taking care of my son. Well you just missed my latest session with Blackie by 30 minutes and Pain is not here. You see to further his mercenary education I need to teach him a few important hand to hand battle techniques...however I know none. So I've sent him somewhere where he can learn how to master the stealthy and ancient art of ninjitsu. Most of the karate classes in town were closed though and practically nobody teaches ninjitsu around here anymore and even if they did they won't teach any of it to little kids. So I sent him to a special school that apparently deals with young adolescents who apparently want to grow up and kill people. Why I don't know, maybe they just have emotional problems. Anyway you better go there and check on him since I'm not doing anything you guys will find cool. Robin and Beast Boy are with him so you know there gonna be cool stuff going on. Why are Robin and BB with him? Well I need someone to shaperone Pain to the school...of course Robin would only go by force...but hey does it look like I care?
So the readers shift their view to the village Hidden in the Leaves, known also as Kohona. Where Pain, Robin and Beast Boy eagerly await their first day of ninja training. Robin is still rubbing his head though because well Rage bumped him on the head for no reason.
Robin: I shouldn't be forced to stay here, I have a life you know.
Beast Boy and Pain are beside him
Pain: Oh shut up bird brain. I wanna learn to be a ninja and you better not screw it up for me. Just remember that my IQ is more advanced then both you and greeny here put together so don't embarass me.
Robin: I don't even need to be here! I already know kung fu!
Pain: Yeah, see no one really cares. You see while Liu Kang is hailed as the hero of Mortal Kombat, both Sub Zero and Scorpion are the only ones who anyone actually cares about. Liu Kang uses Kung Fu, Sub Zero and Scopion are ninjas. Therefore, Karate kids like you Robin are lower on the food chain when you're paired up against ninjas.
Robin: You're making your entire assumption about this based on Mortal Kombat?
Pain: Yes, I'd reference Street Fighter but there are no ninjas in that game.
BB: Just lighten up Robin, I mean we get to learn how to be ninjas! How cool is that?
Robin: I don't care. I'd rather be doing this not against my will. I've been bonked on the head and I have no idea where I am.
BB: Well you should've just said yes when GR asked you to go. He was gonna make you do it anyway.
Robin: I'd rather be uncooperative with General Rage then let him push me around at his will.
BB: But he's gonna do that anyway, he's a jerk like that.
Robin: I'm trying to think up a way to foil him.
BB: Good luck with that.
And now Iruka-Sensei walks through the door to greet his new students
Iruka: Hey everyone! How are we today?
Everyone seems confused at his appearance
Pain: Uh...isn't this a ninja school?
Iruka: Why yes its is? Why is there something wrong?
Pain: Yeah, you look nothing like a ninja.
Iruka: What the hell are you talking about? Of course I'm a ninja.
BB: Where'd your black costume go to then?
Pain: All ninjas are required to wear black. Its like unwritten rule or something about them.
Iruka: Does it really matter if I don't look like a ninja?
Pain: Yes, if you don't look the part our confidence in you is severly lacking.
Robin: I hate to agree with him, but he's kinda right. I mean sure the green and blue outfit looks pretty...commando-ish and not too bad to say the least... but you just don't look like a ninja.
BB: Special Forces maybe, but not a ninja.
Iruka: Look, we're trying to make ourselves as un-generic and un-stereotypical as possible. If we dressed like most people expect ninjas to do everyone would be bored of us within minutes.
Pain: Maybe, but you still don't look like a ninja.
Iruka fumes at this statement and slinks over to the chalk board.
Iruka: I have no idea why I agreed to teach you all, but I can already see this is gonna suck ass.
BB: Yeah, all three of us have that effect on people.
Pain: Its why I'm called Pain. Robin is just the way he is because he's trying to be an emotional basketcase.
Robin: At least I'm not a two year old.
Pain now jabs a sharpened pencil into Robin's side.
Robin: Ow, that hurt.
Pain: You're welcome.
Iruka: Alright then lets try and get this over with. You guys want to be ninja right?
Pain and BB noth nod their heads in concession and smile happily at Iruka's question. Robin does not cause he doesn't even want to be here
Iruka: Well chances are none of you got what it takes.
Both BB and Pain bow their heads in saddness at this news. Robin just sits there looking annoyed at the whole sorted affair.
Iruka: I'm going to see if you three guys can at least handle the basics of the ninja chunin level. Usually it takes years to master these arts, but since I'm told all three of you are crime fighters we'll see how fast you manage this.
Pain: So when do we get to use katanas and all that stuff?
BB: Can I get nunchucks?
Iruka grows a ticked look on his face
Iruka: You can't just grab a sword and start swinging at everything that moves. We need to teach you how to focus your chakra and use clever and overelaborate tricks to fool with your enemy's mind until you over power him with a super cool attack!
The three boys scratch their heads.
Robin: I thought ninjas were suppose to be steathly
Iruka: We are! But we're all very very tricky and sneaky and underhanded too.
BB: So we gonna learn how to be all steathly and stuff then?
Iruka: Actually yes. The village council has introduced a new training tactic to help you young wannabe ninjas be silent killing machines.
Iruka readches into his desk and pulls out a copy of the original "Splinter Cell" for the Xbox.
Iruka: Behold! The ultimate in ninja stealth training simulation programs!
The boys all look at Iruka confused
BB: Wait, so our first lesson involves us playing a game?
Iruka: Yep.
Robin: You sure this has been approved by the village council.
Iruka: Hey, the Hokage herself suggested it. Who am I to argue with her judgement?
Over in Lord Hokage Tsunade's office, she's playing "Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory" with totally pwning skills.
Tsunade: Stabbing terrorists is fun!
A chunin walks in and looks over her shoulder
Chunin: Uh, lord Hokage, shouldn't you be...like...doing paper work?
Tsunade: That paper work is nothing but pointless scribbles, don't you know that? Its completely useless...like filler episodes. Now go away, before I loose my concentration and throw you out a window for getting me spotted by these bad guys.
The Chunin, wanting to preserve his life, backs off slowly. Meanwhile back with Iruka and the boys, Pain has convinced the others to shut up and play the video game. His arguement was 'How many times are they gonna get a teacher that forces them to play video games for homework? Never.' So they all just went ahead and played video games for five hours straight.
Iruka: Well it seems you've all mastered the art of stealth. Good cause I wasn't gonna bother teaching you in it.
Pain: Dude shut up, I'm trying to snap this merc's neck. Kid whose playing him is all the way in Berlin or something.
BB: And I'm busy interrogating this bad guy about the password.
Robin: I just sticky shocked someone. He looks like he's having a seizure. Its funny.
Iruka sighs and decides to leave them alone, realising he's not going to unglue these guys from the screen for hours. He comes back later when they've grown a little bored of the games.
Iruka: Can we please go on to more advanced ninja techniques please?
BB: Are you gonna teach us to throw shurikens now!
Iruka: Later, now we're going to try out our transformation jutsu.
The three boys all stare at Iruka like he's an idiot.
Robin: Huh?
Pain: What the hell does that mean?
Iruka: You're going to disguise yourself as someone else and fool everyone. Its a very useful infiltration technique for sneaking into enemy compounds.
The boys all nod their heads
Robin: Okay, makes sense...although its weird.
Iruka: Now everyone focus your chakra and transform into me.
The boys all scratch their heads
Pain: Is chakra some kind of colon cancer or something?
Iruka's vein in his head grows as he cannot believe these three don't know about chakra, after silently questioning his existance he answers them.
Iruka: No, its the spiritual energy that gives us ninjas our power.
Robin: I thought it was something people used for meditation in India.
Iruka: No this is a completely original idea. It combines the aspect of a person's body and spirit and allows him to acheive special powers within himself to accomplish great things.
Robin: Sounds like the same chakra to me. Only you guys use it for violence.
Iruka: Listen just shut up and do the damn jutsu.
BB: How? We don't have any chakra.
Iruka: If you can't master this move you can't graduate.
Pain: Fine, I'll do it first then.
Pain walks over to his bag and puts on a pirate hat, an eyepatch and a beard.
Pain: ARRR! Now I'm Buckbeard the Buckineer Pirate Rogue! Fear my wrath landlover!
Iruka's head now grows to dispraportionate size and he yells at Pain for his stupid act of faking a transformation jutsu.
Iruka: What kind of jutsu is that?
Pain: Oh give me a break asshole. I don't even know how to do this chakra change thing you got going on here.
Iruka: How am I suppose to graduate ninja who can't do these basic moves?
BB: I can do it!
Beast Boy at once changes into a monkey, then a tiger, and alligator, and parrot, and a mouse and a turtle, and penguin, and a weasel, and a baboon, then a rabbit, then a goose, then a pig, then a Triceratops, then a Raptor, then an Elephant...eventually Iruka tells him to just friggin stop!
Iruka: Just friggin stop! Geez! Okay, you pass this part. Animals count.
Pain decides to go to his bag and put on a dog mask, Iruka isn't amused
Iruka: Actually change or go home! God!
Pain decides to play Iruka's little game and focuses himself on the ground. He starts thinking about what he wants to change into and then he suddenly turns into Iruka.
Pain as Iruka: I'm Iruka sensai! I have practically no screen time and can't accept the fact that Kakashi is way more popular and cooler then me!
Iruka is still not amused
Iruka: While you do pass...I still hate you.
Pain now turns back into himself and smiles
Pain: Yeah, thing is I don't give a damn.
Iruka turns to Robin
Iruka: And you?
Robin: I've changed costumes four times during the series. I was an evil mastermind's apprentice, I wore a tux, I was in karate clothes, and I even dressed like a total douchebag in the Tokyo movie...cause I'm cool that way.
Iruka: Meh close enough, two out of three is good enough for me.
Beast Boy turns to Pain to ask him about his little transformation act.
BB: How the hell did you change?
Pain: Oh I have a hologram chip in my diaper, creates special disguises and such. Pretty cool huh?
Robin: Damn, I should've thought of that.
Iruka: Okay, lets learn to throw sharp pointy objects at people then!
The three boys all shout 'YAY' happily. Iruka takes them out back to learn the art of the Shuriken/Kunai knife throws against a target tree.
Iruka: Well its time to throw sharp and rather pointy objects at stuff. I could go on to explain how you do this, but really who cares? Just throw a damn sharp thing at the tree, boom! There, now just do it.
Robin steps up and throws several of his shurikens and kunai knives on target.
Robin: Whose a badass?
Pain: What you say? You have hemeroids? Oh that sucks!
Robin turns a frown on Pain and marches off.
Robin: You're just jealous.
Pain: Of your hemeroids? Geez, you're weird.
Beast Boy steps up and throws a single shuriken on the tree, it falls off cause it comes at a wrong angle.
BB: Wait let me try that again!
Beast Boy throws a kunai knife that also bounces off the tree.
BB: Minor set back!
Beast Boy tries again with three kunai knives...and none stick to the tree.
BB: GOD F#$ING DAMNIT!
Beast Boy goes super crazy, turns into a gorrilla and throws a million sharp object at the tree that eventually cut the whole damn thing down. Then he goes over and starts punching the tree into submission. Several children look on scared and frightened.
Child who loves trees: Stop it! Stop it! He's already dead!
Child sobs into his hands with great remorse for the tree. Iruka finally calms down Beast Boy by putting a hand on his shoulder.
Iruka: You pass, just stop freaking people out okay?
Beast Boy quietly walks away embarrassed. Pain is up next.
Pain: Pft, screw this bull crap. I have a new and improved little weapon that I made to fit just this task!
Pain reaches into his diaper and pulls out a small modified disc toy gun
Pain: Behold the shuriken shooter!
Pain fires on the tree with the shuriken shooter with pinpoint accurracy. The shurikens shoot out with relative ease and stick perfectly into the wood!
Pain: Technology triumphs again!
Iruka marks down on his pad a checkmark.
Iruka: Damn that little bastard, he cheated and I still have to pass him cause he did a good job. I despise this job.
Back inside the group prepares for the final lesson before graduation, the clone jutsu!
Iruka: All you guys need to do for this technique is clone yourselves...at least once.
Pain: How can this come in handy precisely?
Iruka: It allows you to pull off more impressive combos and confuse your enemy as to which one of the clones is the real you. Can you please stop asking questions and just do this? I have to get to lunch by noon today
Robin steps up to the plate.
Robin: Could you turn around?
Iruka does so and Robin scurries around in back of him
Robin: Okay! Turn back around!
Iruka turns to see two Robins behind him, he walks up and taps one of them. It falls over to reveal it is a carboard cutout.
Robin: Heh, whoops.
Iruka is not impressed, next Beast Boy comes up and reveals a tape in his hands to him.
BB: I've cloned myself on one occasion! I turned into a single celled organism and mutipled by the millions!
BB puts on the tape and presses play, it shows him in ameoba form multiplying by the millions! Iruka is not really impressed
Iruka: You can't make another one of yourselves that can fight, so sorry, doesn't count.
Pain decides to end all this by zapping his hologram chip to display three more of himself. The hologram chip also displays three more of Beast Boy and three more of Robin!
Iruka: HAH! You think that counts? They can't lay a finger on me.
Suddenly the holograms all jump Iruka and pound him into the ground while he screams wildly.
Pain: Did I mention that my hologram chip can also make light so dense that it becomes solid? No? Well sorry about that.
The pummeling stops and the holograms dissapate. Iruka pulls himself as Pain looks up at him with a smirk
Pain: Does this mean we can graduate now?
Iruka hands over the headbands quickly and slaps them on all of their heads himself.
Iruka: Here! Take'em! You graduate! You win! Just get the hell out of my school!
Pain, Robin and Beast Boy all get shoved out of the academy and the door slams shut behind them. Confetti falls down on them and theres some party sounds and recorded cheering.
Pain: We didn't even get a yearbook! What a ripoff!
Robin: Can I go home now?
Pain: Nope, you have to stay here till my dad picks me up.
BB: Can we at least look around town a bit then?
Pain: Sure, but you're buying everything...especially food. Speaking of which I'm starving after all that learning.
Robin: This is the worst day ever.
BB: Oh go with the flow man. You're getting fresh air and experiencing a new culture. Enjoy yourself.
Robin: Shut up, I don't care and you know it.
BB: Stick in the mud.
So the three new genin ninja wander around town looking for something to do, that quickly gets boring so they all decide to eat out at the nearest restaurant they can actually afford.
Pain: This is bullcrap man, its basically an outdoor kitchen shack.
BB: How come it only sells Ramen?
Robin: I told you I don't care. I didn't bring enough money so just friggin go with it.
The threesome all take their seats at the counter.
Chef: What will it be?
Pain: Got anything not ramen?
Chef: Nope.
Pain: Why?
Chef: Its all I know how to make.
BB: Is it made with tofu?
Chef: Some of it is. We have all kinds of ramen here. Porkchop ramen, bacon ramen, sushi ramen, spam ramen, burger ramen, egg ramen, ham ramen, ham and eggs ramen, green eggs and ham ramen, chicken ramen, lambchop ramen, pheseant rame, goat ramen, bull ramen, orange ramen, apple ramen, pancake ramen, waffle ramen, ice cream ramen, spaghetti ramen...
Pain: Isn't ramen just noodles? How can you tell the spaghetti from the ramen?
Chef: You know I wasn't even half way through the list. You could have at least let me finish.
Pain: Till what? You ran out of food products to add with ramen? Cause thats all you seem to be doing.
Chef: Oh shut up, its delicious! Why, just ask my favourite customer in the world.
Pain: Who?
Chef: Naruto Uzamaki.
Pain remembers the name and gets sudden evil grin on his face that goes from ear to ear. He looks to both Beast Boy and Robin
Pain: Guys, I know how we're gonna spend our day.
Robin: How come I have a bad feeling?
BB: He's a demon child, its what happens.
Later Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke all show up at the ramen bar. Blissifully unaware of the danger that is a foot. That and Sasuke was in another one of his emo moods
Sasuke: Why the hell am I here?
Naruto: Because Kakashi sensai said it was my turn to bring you all out to dinner while he reads one of his boring romance books somewhere.
Sasuke: Damn, now I'm stuck eating at some dingy dive with an idiot and an annoying stalking bitch.
Sakura: Huh?
Sasuke: Oh was that out loud? Hmm, it seems I've lost my internal monologue...oh well.
Naruto: Shut up Sasuke no one cares about your stupid internal monologue.
Sasuke: My fangirls care, what do you have to offer? That stupid catchphrase?
Naruto: Hey, its better to be a highly annoying and loug ninja then a mopey emo one. Believe it!
Sasuke: Right, sure, you keep thinking that.
Sakura: I've only had one friggin line people! Can I even talk?
Sasuke: Go ahead, I don't care. Hell I could care less what anyone does.
Sakura: Oh Sasuke you're so cool and uncaring. That's why you're hot.
Sasuke: God shut up.
Naruto: You shut up. I'm trying to think what Ramen I want today.
Sasuke: Is that all you ever think about?
Naruto: Hmm, lets see...
Naruto's train of thought proceeds like this:
"Ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, Hokage, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, ninja, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, training to be a ninja, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, training to be a ninja so I can be hokage, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, I want Sakura to like me, ramen, ramen, ramen, Sasuke sucks ass, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, Why does Hinata keep spying on me?, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, ramen, Sakura naked in a ramen bowl...awesome!"
Naruto finally breaks out of this train of thought and looks back at his companions.
Naruto: Nah...its just takes up most of my mind.
Suddenly Naruto feels something poke him in the back, he turns around to see a spoon poking his back. Naruto, now filled with anxiety over the memory of a smilar spoon, looks fully around him and sees Pain staring back.
Pain: Hello there, remember me?
All colour from Naruto's face flushes away and he screams in horror as he runs behind Sakura and pleads for his life.
Naruto: AHH! He's back! He's come back to finish the job! Him and his evil spoon of doom!
Sasuke and Sakura are totally confused as they look over at Pain who holds out his spoon at them.
Sakura: Naruto, stop being an idiot. It's a baby!
Naruto: An evil baby! An evil baby from hell!
Sasuke: Man you're one messed up kid and I'm emo so I know messed up.
Naruto: But he has a spoon of evil!
Sakura: Can someone explain what is going on here?
Pain puts the spoon away and crosses his arms. Annoyed that Naruto is not alone, and he cannot gouge out his eyes with witnesses present, he decides to answer the girl with pink hair's question
Pain: Okay then, a few months ago your orange jumpsuit friend tried to turn my dad into a anime character forever along with every other anime character in existance practically. He failed and I tried to punish him by gouging out his eyes with this spoon.
Pain holds up the spoon for them all to see. As soon as he does Naruto shrivels back in terror.
Naruto: Get it away!
Pain: Now as you can see the event traumatized him. So much so I think I should just put him out of his misery.
Sasuke ponders this a bit for a moment, consdiering the pros and cons...he comes up with more pros.
Sasuke: Okay.
Sakura: Sasuke! Okay, I can handle the whole emo thing you got going on when its directed at me. But can you leave Naruto out of it. I mean he is your friend
Sasuke: I have no friends godamnit. I only desire to grow super strong and become super powerful and then kill my brother...thats it.
Pain: Whatever, can I kill Naruto now?
Sasuke: Sure, one less rival to my ever advancing power.
Pain: Cool!
Suddenly, Robin and Beast Boy intervene by stepping in front of Pain
Robin: Pain, no mindless murder.
BB: Yeah apparently that was something your dad told us to make sure you didn't do.
Pain: Oh come on guys. Its just one loud mouthed ninja. Whose gonna know?
Naruto: I will
Sakura: I will
BB: I will
Robin: I will
Sasuke: I won't care.
Robin: Why do you still wanna kill Naruto anyway?
Pain: I don't know...bored?
Robin: Just put the spoon away and try to make friends with him.
Pain: But he tried to kill me and turn my father into an overly-animated Japanese cartoon!
Naruto: Yeah, sorry about that. I was suffering from ramen withdrawal and pretty much went nuts.
Sakura: Its true he accidentally fired a Rasegan into the ramen shack and it was closed down for about a week. He went crazy and start talking to birds and trees.
Sasuke: You're still gonna kill him right?
Pain thinks it over a bit, on one hand he lets Naruto get away and everyone knows he went soft, on the other hand if he does kill him robin will probably tell someone and he'll have to go to boring court and get a boring lawyer and try and claim he's innoncect on reason of tempoary insanity. Pain puts the spoon away.
Pain: Nah, too many witnesses anyway and buying a jury costs too much. Okay Naruto lives.
Everyone shouts a collective hooray...except Sasuke who mopes like the emo he is.
Sasuke: Damn, I wanted to see blood.
Robin and Beast Boy turn to look at Team 7.
Robin: I guess we should get to know each other then. My name's Robin of the Teen Titans.
Naruto: You're named after a bird? That's pretty stupid.
Robin is annoyed by Naruto's comment about his name and decides to set him straight about it.
Robin: Its my super hero name.
Naruto: Pretty lame if you ask me.
Robin fumes while Beast Boy introduces himself
BB: My name is Beast Boy! I'm also a super hero, but unlike Robin I have actual super powers.
Robin: Shut up.
Sakura: Why are you green?
BB: Because I got a special power that allows me to change into any animal I want.
Naruto: Bet you can't turn into walrus.
Beast Boy just smiles and turns into a walrus before Naruto's very eyes.
Naruto: Well...I bet you can't turn into a frog.
Beast Boy then changes into a frog immedietly. This frustrates Naruto cause he is not outsmarting his opponent.
Naruto: Bet you can't turn into a...a...nine tail fox! HA! Beat that!
Beast Boy, unmoved by Naruto's challenge, turns into a fox with nine tails. Naruto is stunned as the green fox glares at him with all nine tails swaying in the wind.
Naruto: Damn, I thought I had him that time.
Beast Boy turns back into himself and smirks.
BB: I'm the shapeshifting master! Whose the man!
Naruto: Okay, okay, you win. Geez, no need to brag about it.
Sakura: Don't you usually brag about stuff?
Naruto: Just when I beat Sasuke in a Ramen eating contest.
Sasuke: I hate ramen.
Naruto: Which is why I always win!
Robin: And you all of course know Pain, spoon weilding child mad man.
Pain: I'm not mad! Slightly meldromatic and weird, but not mad!
Naruto: Good to meet you guys. My name's Naruto Uzamaki! Believe it! And I'm gonna be Hokage some day! Believe it! And all the ninjas will look up to me! Believe it! And everyone will stop being a total ass like Sasuke around me! Believe it!
Robin: God do you ever shut up?
Sakura: Ever since we moved to the American dub he's been saying that catchphrase non-stop.
Sasuke: Its irritating.
Pain: Meh, better then being a mopy emo.
Robin and Sauke at the same time look at Pain and shout at the same time-
Robin & Sasuke: HEY!
Pain: I wasn't talking to you Robin...for once.
Robin: Oh, nevermind then.
Sakura smiles broadly and waves her hand
Sakura: My name's Sakura, and I've stopped being a total bitch since I cut off my hair in the chunin exams. I used to act like a total loser, but now I'm less stupid and ditzy.
Robin: Okay then...why the backstory?
Sakura: I don't know. Lately I've been getting a lot of hate mail from people calling me a bitch and stuff. Just wanted to get that out in the open is all.
Sasuke says nothing and just looks over to the side disspassionately and totally emotionless. This makes all fan girls at home swoon stupidly because they have extremely over the top aspirations and standards that no one can live up to. Sasuke remains this way until someone breaks his silence...basically Naruto yells at him.
Naruto: Stop being rude and introduce yourself!
Sasuke: Fine, I'm Sasuke Uchiha and I hate life, I hate my brother, I hate this world, ...
Sasuke now looks over to the Beast Boy, Robin and Pain
Sasuke: ... and I hate you.
Everyone remains silent for a few seconds after this proclamation.
Robin: Wow, you're worse then me!
Pain: Tell me about it.
Its about this time that Naruto finally notices Robin, Beast Boy and Pain all have headbands
Naruto: Say why do you guys have headbands?
Robin: Oh these?
Robin points to the one on his head
BB: Yeah we passed ninja academy in like three hours!
Naruto is shocked by this and why shouldn't he be?
Naruto: What?!? It took me years to get out of there! And I suffered through constant bullying and rejection!
Pain: Well that's sounds like a personal problem.
BB: If it helps, we only graduated cause Pain here cheated with technology.
Pain: Like camping in an online match of Halo it is a legitimate strategy to use personal trick to advance in school...as long as they're something you can pull off and slip through a loophole or two.
Sasuke still doesn't take interest in this conversation, but make a comment on it anyway.
Sasuke: Does this conversation have any meaning?
Naruto: Hey, I'm just trying to be nice here. You could learn a thing or two from that.
At this moment, deep in Sakura's mind, she is having an inner conflict with herself over the situation. Like she always does...so predictable.
Sakura's thoughts: Naruto has a point...oh but I can't say something bad against Sasuke...but if I agree with him I'll look like more of a bitch...I know!
Sakura perks up suddenly and resolves the conflict the onyl way she knows how to.
Sakura: Hey lets all go out for frosty chocolate milkshakes!
The group looks at her confused. Her suggestion makes no sense and is completely irrelevent.
BB: Why?
Sakura looks shiftly around the area. Trying to hide the reason she just said something rather stupid.
Sakura: I just wanted to say something.
Pain: Yeah, whatever, weirdo. Okay, I guess the only way we're get over any of the still remaining anxiety is to hang out with you guys. Hopefully that will show me that you aren't just a bunch of losers and I'll come to actually like you all.
Pain then looks at Sasuke
Pain: Except you...you I think I'm gonna hate soon enough.
Sasuke just shrugs at this because that's how he is and how he has always been.
Sasuke: I don't care.
BB: Do you care about anything?
Sasuke: No...except getting more powerful and killing my brother.
Robin: Geez, you are worse then me.
So Team 7 and the three new genin travel down the streets of kohona, to disscuss ninja things...and...stuff.
Pain: Listen Naruto I hope you understand that the whole killing you thing was perhaps a huge mistake on my part.
Naruto: I get use to it...just not evil spoons.
Pain: Understood. Now that I've actually gotten to know your life story I can somewhat sympathize with you...even if you are pretty loud and obnoxious for your designated profession.
BB: True, aren't ninjas suppose to be stealthy or something?
Naruto: Well hiding and striking from the shadows is a good tactic...
Pain: Like camping.
Naruto: I suppose, but its not really my style. I'm more of the tricky completely unpredictable type of ninja.
Robin: How does that work out for ya?
Naruto: Not bad...I get cuts and bruises though. They hurt, but they go away.
Sasuke: Oh big whoop. Like anyone thinks that's cool.
Pain: What's you're problem? Everytime Naruto mentions one of his abilities you keep mouthing off about how much it sucks? You got an inferiority complex or something?
Sasuke: Do not! I just think my chidori is way cooler then rasengan.
Naruto: Is not! You can only use it twice or else you fall on the ground in a fetal position.
Sasuke: At least I don't have to get help from a clone to do the attack.
Sakura: Do we always have to fight over whose attack is better?
Sasuke: Yes, because I want to constantly remind you all that I'm stronger then Naruto! I'm better in everyway, shape and form and I have more fan girls! So there!
BB: You know when people keep desperately trying to prove how much better they are then others it kinda says something about that person's self-esteem. Personally though I think those people just have small weiners.
Robin perches an eyebrow at Beast Boy's comment, knowing it is something he doesn't normally say...except the weiner part.
Robin: Did you get that from Raven?
BB: Yes...well not the weiner part.
Pain interrupts this part of the conversation to reiterate his question to Sasuke.
Pain: Seriously though, why are you constantly trying to prove yourself stronger then Naruto? Aren't you two friends...or something?
Naruto and Sasuke look at each other briefily then turn their backs to each other and cross their arms.
Naruto & Sasuke: NO!
Sakura: Why am I always in the middle of these things? I just wanna have one relaxing day where we don't try and rip each other's heads off.
BB: Well why don't you do something to shut them up?
Sakura: Please! I don't have any special powers...yet. I hope to get some kind of awesome one soon though.
BB: So what do you do in the meantime?
Sakura: I just sit back and look good for the camera...and wait for the script to say when I can actually punch someone.
BB: Sounds like a creative staff problem. Muramaki never gave me much of a chance to kick ass in my show. Robin stole all the good scenes.
Robin: Hey, I said I was sorry about all that didn't I?
BB: Yeah, well too little too late bird brain.
Sasuke: You look pretty weak to me anyway. I bet you never would've stood a chance against those bad guys you fight.
Beast Boy looks coldly at Sasuke, turns into a gorrila and punches him in the nose sending him flying backwards.
Sakura: Sasuke-Kun!
Sakura runs over to Sasuke, while Naruto looks on pissed.
Naruto: She never acts like that when I get hurt.
Sasuke limbs back to the group with a broken nose and supported by Sakura. He then looks at Beast Boy with very angry eyes.
Sasuke: You're dispicable.
BB: Oh shut up. You're WAY worse then Robin.
Robin: Yeah, I only make fun of Beast Boy behind his back.
BB: Oh and that's suppose to be nicer?
Robin: Well when nobody hears about it.
Robin then realises that point has just be screwed over by the fact he just told Beastboy about it.
Robin: Oh crap.
BB: Yeah oh crap is right. Let's just drop this before I get really angry and stuff okay.
Pain grows annoyed over Robin and Beast Boy's petty problems and bring them back onto the subject at hand.
Pain: Whatever, so what do we do now?
Sakura: We've pretty much hit on most of the subjects really.
Naruto: Except why you guys don't have a sensai yet.
As soon as Naruto mentions this Pain is somewhat confused as to what he's talking about.
Pain: What's that?
Sakura: You're suppose to have a sensai squad leader who teaches you to become greater ninja through specialized missions designed for your level of ninja skill level.
Pain: So where's your sensai?
Saskue: Probably off reading some dumb romance book.
Meanwhile on a random rooftop in the city, Kakashi-sensai turns the pages of a little book in his hand while laughing to himself.
Kakashi: Heh, heh, I love these books. And since I'm so secure in my masculinity it doesn't matter that love stories aren't suppose to be read by guys. Now where's my milk?
Kakashi looks beside him and see his milk carton, which he picks up and shakes a little.
Kakashi: Heh, heh, there's a cow on the side of the carton. Heh, heh, moo, funny, heh, heh. Shouldn't I be doing something important? Nah.
Back with Team 7 and the others the line of questioning continues as to who exactly is Robin, Beast Boy and Pain's sensai
Robin: Do we even need a sensai?
Naruto: Of course you do. Otherwise you'll never advance to higher levels of ninja awesomeness. If don't advance you'll never become a kick ass ninja like myself.
Pain: Well I suppose that makes light relative sense. Except the last part, but I see where you're going. So who is are sensai?
Suddenly a nearby sewer lid flips open shoots a big purple light into the sky. A giant green turtle lands in the middle of the group and swings his nunchucks over his head like helicopter blades.
Michelangelo: Hey dudes! Its me Mikey! The wise cracking comic relief ninja turtle and I'm gonna train you all to be super cool ninjas like me! Cowabunga!
Robin, Beast Boy and Pain are completely stunned.
Pain: Uhh...why'd we get stuck with the sufer turtle?
Mikey: Oh, Leo, Donnie and Ralph all decided to head out for pizza and I was the only one available at the moment. Hope thats okay.
Robin: I suppose, but aren't there other ninja who could possibly train us?
BB: Dudes shut up! Its a ninja turtle! What more could you want?
Naruto and the rest of Team 7 are also shocked by this stunning development.
Naruto: You wanna get trainned by a giant turtle in the way of ninjitsu? This reminds of that time I saw Lee talking to that big turtle before...that was spooky.
Sasuke: Can we go then? Cause the last thing I want is to hang around with a bunch of wannabe ninjas and a giant trutle.
Mikey: Hey dude, stop harshing the mellow.
Sasuke: Whatever, I'm gone.
Naruto: Not me, I wanna see how good this giant turtle is at ninjitsu.
Sakura: It would be beneficial to us to study his techniques. You never know.
Sasuke: I'm better then he is, I don't need to. I'm gonna go home and listen to "My Chemical Romance." See ya losers.
Everyone watches as Sasuke walks away compeltely uncaring and totally emotionless.
Pain: Geez, what a jerk.
Mikey: Hey his loss dudes, come on lets get to training.
So the three new genin train with Mikey all day with rather stereotypical ninja training. Mainly they stand up on tree stumps with one leg till sundown, balance themselves on large stalks of bamboo, cut down wooden dummies with swords, get into fight stances and shadow box somewhat, throw shurikens and kunai knives at moving targets and the ever popular and totally cliche scene thats been done in every damn movie since the beginning of time...
Mikey: When you can snatch this fly from my hand without crushing it you will be true ninja warriors.
The group looks into Mikey's hand and look at the buzzing little fly.
Pain: Okay sensai-Mikey, the other stuff was fun and all...but I think this goes a little too far.
Mikey: I know I'm just messing with ya.
BB: Well I certainly had a pretty awesome workout today.
Robin: Same here. Obviously for us, since we have no chakra focusing abilities, these type of training techniques are all we can do.
Pain: Suit yourself losers, I found a way to replicate Sasuke's chidori attack he discribed to us without all the hassle of chakra.
Pain holds up a device that appear to be taser taped to his palm. He smiles at this as he announces his creation.
Pain: Behold! The artificial chidori!
No one is at all impressed.
Robin: How is that suppose to mimic Sasuke's abilities?
Pain walks over to Robin and hits him with his open palm. The taser touches Robin and shocks him. This sends the boy wonder to the ground with electiricity running through his body. It also give him static hair.
BB: Damn! That had to hurt.
Pain: I'm also working on a launcher that can mimic Naruto's Rasenagn attack. I just need more plasma.
Naruto: Why don't you just try to actually do something on your own instead of using technology?
Sakura: Yeah, I mean you must have some kind of special ability.
Pain: Nope, me and Robin are totally powerless. Beast Boy here is the only one with any kind of abilities. I was just born super duper smart, not with chakra or powers like some people.
BB: But your mom is a Tamaranian. You telling me you can't shoot laser beams or anything out of your eyes?
Pain: Not a thing.
Naruto: Geez must suck that you have to copy others' powers using technology.
Pain: No, I'm pretty content.
Mikey: Well I've taught you guys pretty much everything I know. Maybe Beast Boy needs works on his nunchucks, but hey it comes with practice.
Pain: Well that just means I have to face someone in an awesome ninja battle then. Let's find a poor sap to pound into the ground. Get up Robin.
Robin: I see stars everywhere.
Pain: I don't care.
Pain leads the others into town where they hope to find someone to battle him and finish his training. They suddenly spot Sasuke.
Pain: Hey emo kid!
Sasuke pays no attention and continues walking away from them.
Pain: Wait! I wanna fight you and stuff!
Sasuke stops and turns around
Sasuke: Me? Fight you? You're joking right?
Pain: Yes, I wanna fight you and prove that I really am a ninja. So what do you say?
Sasuke: No. I have more important things to do.
Nartuo: No you don't, you just don't wanna fight him cause you think you're better then everyone.
Sasuke: I am, I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true.
Sakura: He does have a point.
Everyone looks at Sakura so he can explain her line of reasoning, her head flops downward at this.
Sakura: Okay I'm just saying that because I want Sasuke to like me.
Pain: Freakish fan girl.
Pain turns back to Sasuke
Pain: Okay lets get this show on the road.
Sasuke: I'm leaving.
Pain: You just can't leave! We need to fight!
Sasuke: Screw you. I'm too cool to battle you shrimp.
Pain: No one turns their back on Sergeant Pain!
Pain rushes over to Sasuke and pulls out his artificial chidori gadget. He slams his palm into Sasuke's ass and sends him shouting away in agony. Sasuke recovers and opens his mouth and breathes fire out of it. Pain ducks the fire and get back up.
Sasuke: Alright beat it kid before I really get pissed off.
Pain: Like I'm gonna listen to an emo.
Sasuke snorts and begins to walk away.
Sasuke: Loser.
Pain: I heard that you little punk! You think you're so hot don't you? Well I think you suck monkey balls! You heard me? Monkey balls!
Sasuke: Whatever!
Pain get really angry at this point, he starts grinding his teeth, enraged that Sasuke takes his insults with such a grain of salt. Determined to break his cool, Pain run at the emo ninja with fall speed and without even thinking swings his arm in a throwing motion. Suddenly an red bolt of fire launches from Pain's hand and hits Sasuke square in the back sending him flying across the street and smack dab into a wall. Pain is shocked, as is everyone else.
Naruto: He did a rasengan attack!
Robin: No, I've seen that bolt of fire before.
BB: Me too!
Pain looks at his hand with has a mall flash of red light disipate from it slowly. Pain realises what this means.
Pain: I can shoot starbolts.
At this revelation Pain jumps up and down in jubilation at his new found power and begins running in circles like a gitty little school boy.
BB: He's gonna abuse this isn't he?
Robin: You betcha.
Pain's discovery of his ability to shoot starbolts makes him hug both Beast Boy and Robin happily. He then rushes over to Naruto, jumps up and ruffles his hair into a mess before laying a slobberly kiss on Sakura's left cheek and rushing off to the exit gates of Kohona.
Sakura: What the hell just happened?
Naruto: I think Pain actually has super powers after all.
Robin: Oh super, I can hear Rage's gloating now.
BB: Well at least we got to be ninjas. And Pain's happy, I don't see anything wrong with that.
Sakura: Well shouldn't we go help Sasuke to the infirmary or something?
Michelangelo walks into the shot casually and takes Sakura by the shoulder.
Mikey: Nah, he'll be fine dudette. Why don't we all go out for pizza instead?
Beast Boy, Robin and Sakura agree with Mikey and all cheer as they head out for pizza while Sasuke lays on the ground moping to himself.
Sasuke: Why? Why does this happen to me? Why do I always get beaten up like a punching bag? WHY?!?
Miles away Orochimaru smiles profusely.
Orochimaru: Excellent, the more battles Sasuke fails to win against far superior opponents the more he becomes a pathetic emo stereotype. Soon he will compeltely degrade and I can turn him into my slave!
Kabuto: Sir, can't we just kidnapp him or something cause this is boring.
Orochimaru: No, I want to drag this arc out as long as possible. Uchiha isn't emo enough anyway so we have to wait till his lust for power consumes him and he breaks all his fan girl's hearts by becoming a traitor on his own.
Kabuto: I like my kidnapping idea better.
Orochimaru: I don't remember asking you anything. Now change the channel my stories are on.
Kabuto: Yes master.
Back in Kohona, Pain is picked up by General Rage.
GR: Well I heard that you learned how to shoot starbolts and you mangled an emo kid.
Pain: I sure did dad. Now I really am a ninja half-alien warrior! Believe it!
Pain soon realises what he has just said and he quickly covers his mouth. The car suddenly stops as General Rage coems to the same realisation. Pain opens the window and yells out back at the village.
Pain: Curse you Naruto!
Back at the pizza parlour Naruto smiles widely.
Naruto: Heh, heh, I have that effect on people.
Robin: How are we getting home?
BB: I don't know. I just want more pizza.
Robin: Yeah I'm sure the T-Ship will come pick us up before the Naruto fillers stop and we get caught in the timeskip.
BB: Please, we're only past the filler tea country arc, we have 200 episodes to go before the timeskip. May the suffering begin.
Robin: Whatever. Pass me another pizza slice Mikey
Mikey: No problemo bro!
Mikey tosses a pizza slice and hits Robin in the face with it by accident.
Robin: This is the worst crossover I've been stuck in.
BB: Oh shut up, we can never have fun with you.
THE END