I'm not a person who can be easily broken and I'm not one to let my guard down. I can keep my walls up to the point where almost no one can get through. My only weaknesses are two men , and some days I don't know who is good and who is bad.
The basic rules of society tell me that I am absolutely crazy for loving a man like this. To be honest I side with society on this one. He shoved a stake into my stomach , and he branded me. Something attracts me to the person that is (or was) Ian Doyle. Yes, I'm well aware he's now six feet under, along with his awful assistants but I can't shake the fact that he treated me better than any guy I've dated before. I know it's creepy but it's true , even for just a little bit of time I was truly in love with Ian.
He brought me flowers, always stayed truthful and we didn't have a lot of arguments. I hurt him , before he hurt me. I think that's the start of where I loved Ian. In most cases in my life someone else caused pain to me ,and I finally found someone who didn't it was totally wrong. His love for his little boy changed my view on him. I had expected a mean awful person and I hadn't been that lucky. If Doyle had been the stereotype of what a bad guy is supposed to be I wouldn't have batted an eyelash, but he wasn't. So now I'm stuck in this never-ending cycle of pain and regret because I'm in love with a sociopath.
Derek could tell something was up , and I was afraid to tell him about Doyle. I felt ashamed with how far I went. I was sure Derek would never look at me the same way again. Derek was the one person who could tell something was up , and in my demented love affair with Doyle , Derek played the role of the bad guy. When I left to confront Doyle , I told myself it was for the team , but was it? Sometimes I wonder if it was for Doyle. I had to see him and that's why I met him for coffee that night. Part of me wanted to see what he wanted , the other half was addicted to being near him. Even if it would kill me , Doyle was like my drug and Derek was more like what I could have if I quit. I wanted to quit , but I couldn't pull my self away from my drug. No matter how the tables turned I just didn't know who and what was good , and bad. I was stuck in a maze and I couldn't find my way out. I felt hopeless , lost , and worthless. Both sides were pulling me , but both felt like darkness , both looked like light. How was I supposed to know which one was really light?
I finally hit the bottom of my downward spiral after I had "died". I spent my time in Paris wondering who was going to win , I figured Derek was going after Doyle and good would win over evil. Society's version of evil , but I had no clue if it was mine. Derek was the good one , with a FBI badge and a name tag that said hero. Doyle was evil , with his weapons and numerous crimes. I , well I was confused. Halfway between good and bad , I Emily Prentiss had found yet another place where I didn't belong.