A/N: Another story, post- finale. I love Addison and Derek together, seriously. But im currently hating Derek. And i want Addison to be fixed. So i'm writing this story. Unlike my last story, this one is not a one-shot. It revolves around Addison.I hope you like it. Please review!

Disclaimer: nope, not mine.

I've known Derek for 15 years. I've married him for 12. I know every look, every smile, and every gesture. I know Derek. I can read him better than a book—or well, I used to. Now, I may not be able to read him like I used to, but I still know him. I know how his eyes twinkle when he sees someone he loves. I know the smile that makes almost all girls' knees weak. I know the frown when he's disappointed. I know the pout when he's frustrated. And I know the way he looks after having sex.

Derek loves Meredith, Meredith loves Derek. I've accepted that. And I promised I'd wait for it until it passes. But will it ever pass? Am I waiting for nothing? My marriage is over, really, I know that. I thought we were doing better but I'm blinded that there's a reason for the hot sex, or the nice gestures. He was jealous. He was jealous that the woman he truly loves is moving on. But he couldn't move on. I'm not stupid, I'm not naïve. I'm just desperate for my husband's attention. I want him to care. He never does.

I slept with his best friend. It's not because I fell in love with him, it's because I wanted attention. That's how desperate I am. I want him to care. I want him to know that I'm still here. I want him to see me. I want him to notice me. But he turns around and walks away. Have I planned the whole thing out? Yes, in fact, I have. Have sex in our house instead of Mark, where I know no one would ever see us. Maybe when Derek catches us, he'll realize that I'm still here, lonely. But I didn't expect it to turn out this way. I didn't think of the consequences. I never thought that he would leave me. I was drunk and I was desperate. The night Derek caught us in bed was the first time Mark and I did it. It was good, but not as great as with Derek.

I had no idea Mark fell in love with me. The one night fling I was planning made him think that I loved him. I love him, as a friend, sure. But I'm not in love with him unlike Derek, who has completely gone crazy for Meredith.

I came to Seattle, giving up everything I have in New York, for Derek. Because no matter how much I have back in New York, it wouldn't matter if I don't have Derek. I need Derek. I much as I hate to admit it, I need Derek. I'm not as independent as I thought I am. For months after Derek left, I made myself believe that I can do it on my own. But I couldn't. I stayed with mark for awhile because I thought it would help forget Derek. But it didn't. So I went to Seattle with divorce papers with me hanging in this little bit of hope that he wouldn't sign it.

Sure he didn't, but I don't feel like he'd really chosen me. He was with me physically but he's with Meredith emotionally. I want him to want to be with me. I don't want him to be with me just out of obligation. I don't want him to pretend to love me to fill his need to be a good guy. I don't want all his crap. All I want if for him to care about me.

For a moment, I wish I were the one who got shot instead of Preston. Maybe that will wake Derek to his senses. But does it really have to be that way for him to realize that I'm still here? Why can's he see me like he used to?

He asked me out to the prom, and he had sex with another woman. He gave me back my hope, which is shattered by now. Why cant things be perfect between us again?

Now, when I saw him walk out of that elevator, face looking flushed. I know he had sex. And obviously with Meredith, who, by the way, told me that she's not having sex with my husband. My heart ached but I tried so hard not to show it. I noticed the awkwardness between them when Meredith walked by with the other interns.

Who am I to get in the way of two people who I know really loves each other? I know I am his wife but it doesn't feel like it anymore.

I deserve more than being treated like a piece of crap.

Derek broke me, and I need to be fixed.

I need to move on. I need to let go.

As much as I don't want to, I need to be determined to stand up on my own and live without Derek.

I need to start over.

I pulled myself together at least until I got out of the hospital. I saw Meredith choose between my husband and the vet. I don't know if I wanted to see who she chooses. So I turned around and walked the opposite direction.

I got to the trailer that night mainly to pack my things up and get out as soon as I can before Derek comes home. But Derek got home before I could leave. He's obviously devastated. I would only guess because Meredith chose Finn. And I was about to leave him. Poor man, but he utterly deserved it.

"What are you doing?" He asked as he sees me packing.

"What does it look like I'm doing?"

"Okay, I meant why are you packing?"

"I'm leaving" I said simply.

"Leaving" he repeated "Care to tell me why?"

"I don't know, Derek." I answered, pun intended. "Think about the things that happened these past 2 days. First, you ignore in the elevator, then I had this blow up in front of everyone, then you asked me to the prom, then we put Doc down, then you have sex with another woman." I said. I was too angry to cry.

"You knew about that?" he asked quietly

"You didn't even bother to deny it. But yes, I wasn't sure, and God knows I had this little bit of hope that I was wrong, but I know"

"I'm sorry"

"Saying sorry wont do you any good, Derek"

"Why are you so mad? You cheated on me first! Now you know how it feels to be cheated on!" He said, his voice rising.

"So, this is what it's all about, revenge! You wanted to hurt me which is why you took me back! Not because you love me, not because you wanted us to start over. You played with me all along"

"No, Addison! I didn't do it for revenge. I love Meredith"

"Then why didn't you sign the divorce papers when I gave them to you? That way it wouldn't cause me so much pain. That way it wouldn't cause you so much pain. That way it wouldn't cause Meredith so much pain!" I yelled

"I didn't because you are my wife."

"That's not exactly the answer I'm looking for, Derek. I wanted you to say that you chose me because you love me. You chose me because you couldn't live without me. You chose me because I am the love of your life. You chose me because I am your wife doesn't necessarily mean you want to be with me"

"What do you want, Addison?" Derek yells

"I want to be able to move on! I don't want to be stuck here weeping about how my husband sleeps next to me dreaming about sleeping next another woman. I don't want to be treated this way. I want to be loved. I miss the feeling of being loved. I miss the feeling of being able to look at you in the eye with fear and insecurities. I miss being comfortable around you. I want to face the reality that the love of my life doesn't love me anymore."

"I don't want you to leave, Addison" He said, calmer this time

"Why, is it because Meredith didn't choose you over the vet? You can't have it both ways, Derek. I will never settle for second. Never" With that, I zip up my suitcase and I walked towards the door "I'll get the rest of my stuff maybe tomorrow morning while you're at the hospital. I'll send you the divorce papers when I get to file them"

"Addison—" Derek said walking towards me

"No, Derek, you don't get to stop me. I'm done. You won. I hope you'll be happy once Meredith realizes that you're the one for her"

"Addison, please, I'm trying here"

"I heard those words before. I don't get to believe in them now. I'm sorry for everything, Derek." I said as a tear escaped from my eye. I pulled my wedding ring and engagement ring off my finger, took Derek's hand, and placed it on his palm.

"It's yours, Addison"

"I don't have use for them now, and every time I look at it it'll just remind me of you"

"Don't you want that?"

"No. No, I don't" I said sadly. I couldn't look at him in the eye.

"Maybe we can still be friends" he said a hint of hope in his voice

"I don't think so, Derek. But maybe eventually" I said as another tear fell.

"I'm sorry for breaking you. I'm sorry for everything. I hope you find someone that'll fix you"

"I don't think anyone will be able to fix me anymore. Because you're the only one who can fix me" I said barely audible. "Goodbye, Derek"

"Goodbye, Addie" he said and pulled me for one last kiss. It wasn't passionate. It wasn't electrifying. It was closure.

Closure

I turned around and walked to my car and drove off and didn't look back.

Please review!