Fat raindrops splashed on the windowpane, like slimy stolid creatures pressing to enter. The poplar on the street was just a darker spot against the black night. Yet, it was the only sure evidence that he was still in his old neighborhood, and not on the top of a lighthouse, with only miles of sea in front of him.
It's just a power cut, he told himself. That's why the street is so dark. But the houses, the parked cars, the dogs sleeping in their kennels, are still there.
Daisy was safe at Molly's house, they were probably eating pizza right now. Maybe drinking a beer, but she was sixteen and - considering what she had gone through during the past two years - she was holding on fine. Her grades were still good, and she hadn't come back home with a tattoo or a baby yet.
She was still barely speaking to her mother, but Alec kept telling himself she would come around soon.
Tess. Something cold tugged at the pit of his stomach. Traffic fatalities tripled during poor weather conditions. Rain decreased visibility and created slick surfaces, mixing with oil, gas, and other debris on the roadway surface. Snapshots of cars curled around tree trunks popped up in his mind, steam raising from twisted hoods, blinking ambulance lights, pale limbs.
How many hours had she already been awake?
He knew they were giving her night shifts, using the new agent to fill the gaps the older officers couldn't or didn't want to fill.
She's a good driver.
He tried to contact her, but his call went to voicemail. He imagined her phone blinking inside her coat pocket.
Or in a hospital plastic bag.
Alec went to the dark kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. He was being irrational. Even in good weather the trip from Sheffield didn't take less than four hours, which meant she wasn't even a hour late.
Still, she could answer the bloody phone.
That situation was so tiring. He needed boundaries and schedules to hold on to, but now all his touchstones seemed to be gone. He was living in his old house, but he no longer knew how to function there. Who was he? A single father? An ex-husband? Then why was he waiting for his wife to come back home for the weekend? And why was he on the verge of panic due to a small delay? Did he feel guilty towards his family? Or was it just the remainder of his love? The neon over the stove flickered for a few moments and then went dark again.
He sat on the sofa, elbows on his knees and hands dangling between his legs. He didn't know what to do, so he remembered. The first night after they'd moved into this house they had been without electricity as well. There had been a last-minute problem with the electrical system, but they were so eager to start their new life that they hadn't minded. They had loaded what was left in their old flat into the car, buckled baby Daisy into her car seat, and stopped at a Sainsbury's for candles, chicken salad and wine. Tess had insisted that they ate on the floor. He had never had a better chicken salad afterwards.
Now, fifteen years later, the ceiling of that same room had mould stains, and the windows let wind drafts through.
The phone rang. He saw the caller ID and drew a breath. "Why don't you answer your bloody phone? I've been trying to call you for ages."
"I was driving. Is everything ok?"
"Yeah. Where are you?"
"Just outside Gaydone. Listen, do you know where the jack is?"
"The car jack?"
"No, Jack Nicholson. Of course the car jack. I have a flat tire and can't find it."
Alec pinched the bridge of his nose. "Did you pull off the road?"
A car honked in the distance. "Yes I did. Alec, do you know where the thing is or not?"
"Do you have a spare tire?"
He could feel her roll her eyes. "Yes."
"Ok then, turn on the four-way flashers and don't move. I'll be there in half an hour."
"What? NO! I don't need-"
He hung up and put his coat on.
Finding her wasn't hard. Tess had parked right next to the exit ramp, and the hazard lights were flashing. One of the rear tires was sticking flat to the wet concrete.
Alec pulled over in front of her and hurried outside, holding the jack and a flashlight and squinting as cold wind slapped raindrops on his face. He opened the door and sat on the passenger seat.
Water was dripping down Tess' hair, and she was wearing a very yellow visibility vest. She also looked pissed. "What are you doing with your jack?"
"Had to bring it 'cause this car doesn't have one. What were you doing outside anyway? It's dangerous, even with the... protection on." He gestured toward her vest, trying to keep his eyes focused on her face. "And you're all wet."
Tess raised an eyebrow.
Damnit.
"Well, you'll need to wear protection as well. If you want to use your own jack, I mean." Her smile was coy.
"We both know you don't want that," Alec sniped.
"The difference between what one wants and what one needs is often subtle." She sighed. "You could have told me on the phone though, I would've stopped searching for it."
He stared at her without blinking.
Tess held his gaze, then shook her head and her features softened in a real, if small, smile. "Let's change this tire?"
He nodded, and they got out of the car.
Alec had to raise his voice over the pouring rain. "We need something to block the opposite tire! A rock, or something heavy enough."
"I know. Alec, I know how to change a tire."
"Of course you do."
She sighed and nodded towards the wheel chock already placed under the diagonally opposed wheel.
Bloody woman.
"Ok, great." He squatted and put the jack under the frame. A few seconds after he started pumping, the plastic around the bottom of the car frame cracked. Alec cursed.
He felt Tess crouch beside him, and the back of her head invaded his visual field. She brought the usual smell of lemongrass and ginger with her that always made him think of summer.
She put her finger on a semi-invisible mark just behind the wheel, and pointed the flashlight there. "I think this little notch here, it's to put the jack?"
He slid the jack there and tried to lift the car again. It worked just fine. Tess handed him the flashlight and left his side. A few moments later, he heard the trunk get shut and saw her rolling the spare tire toward him, a lug wrench under her arm.
"Ta."
She leant the tire against the car and resumed her place at his side.
Alec managed to pry off the hubcap and started to loosen the nuts with the wrench. Raindrops crept under the collar of his shirt, making him shudder. One of the bolts refused to move, and he leaned onto the wrench with the whole weight of his body. The bastard eventually broke free, but the sudden yielding made him scratch his wrist against the tire. He hissed in pain, and the nut slid out of his fingers and disappeared along the shoulder of the road. He cursed again.
"You ok?"
"We lost the damn thing. We'll have to leave the car here and come back tomorrow." He had failed once again, and that burned more than his wounded wrist.
"No, we won't. You finish here, I'll go find the bloody nut." Tess balanced the flashlight against the car so that its cone of light still hit Alec's workspace and scrambled down the slope.
"You won't see anyth..," he trailed off as he saw the small light of her phone flicker below him.
Alec resumed his work. Now, after rush hour, the cars passing by became more and more sparse, while the beating rain turned into a dirty sleet. His fingers started to get numb, but he somehow managed to change the tire. Tired and cold, he realized he had lost track of time. He had to help Tess with the missing piece. Ale stood to reach her, but was startled to find her already beside him. She raised an eyebrow and crouched in front of the new tire, holding the shining nut.
"Tess, let me do that," he scowled.
Tess ignored him. She put the piece of iron on the empty socket, and started to turn it by hand. After a short while her fingers began to slide on the wet and greasy surface, so he handed her the wrench. It took Tess a couple of tries to position it right, but eventually she managed to tighten the nut.
Alec lowered the car to the ground and removed the jack. He was exhausted.
"Good job." Tess put her palm up and he high fived her, as they used to do when they started working together. A lifetime ago.
They looked at each other and she smiled, but even in the dim light, he saw that the smile never reached her eyes. They put the tools and the flat tire back, and headed home in their separate cars.
Their street was still dark. Alec waited for Tess to park in her usual spot and helped her with the dozens of bags she always carried with her.
"There's a blackout," he explained as she piled stuff in his arms.
"Is Daisy already home?"
"She's staying at Molly's tonight. Movie Night, or something like that."
They had entered the house, and she was a darker silhouette against the window, just like the poplar outside.
"I'm sorry," he felt compelled to add. He knew he should have told her, because it was for their daughter that she commuted from Yorkshire, but Daisy had warned him only two hours earlier.
Tess went to the kitchen and put the kettle on the stove. He followed her. She had brought the flashlight with her, and a moment later a beam of yellow light bathed the room.
"That's ok, as long as it's Molly and not George."
"Who's George?"
"Oh, just a college student she met at the gym."
Alec felt his palms getting sweaty. "Are you bloody kidding? Why didn't you tell me? I'd have checked better, for Christ's sake!"
Tess smiled, then rubbed her eyes. "I am kidding, ?"
He looked at her with his hands on his hips, and didn't move when she handed him his tea.
Tess' eyes bore into his. Dark curls were plastered to her brow, and the dim light accented lines on her face that weren't there two years before. Yet, the sparkle in her eyes was the same that had drawn him towards her like a moth to a flame the first time he saw her so long ago. Sharp, bold, inquisitive. After a while she just sighed, took the lamp with her and dragged her bags to the spare room.
After Sandbrook had been solved, Tess had had to withstand a disciplinary procedure that had forced her to transfer to South Yorkshire and had stripped her of her Sergeant ranks. Now she was a Detective Constable at Sheffield North Constabulary, driving back home for four hours every Friday night.
"I want to be around in case Daisy needs me," she had told him the very day her sentence was read, in a tone that didn't leave room for discussion. That same day Alec was restored to active duty with a verbal warning and Dave Thompson got away with a written warning. Dave said he didn't know that the bagged evidence had been handed to Tess when he had agreed to leave the vehicle with her. The force needed a scapegoat for its poor handling of Sandbrook, and Tess had been used to state an example.
She had listened to the sentence without batting an eyelash, and even afterwards her only request to him had been to get to sleep in the spare room during the weekends. Given Daisy's fierce resentment towards her mother, Alec had thought that that was a dumb idea, but he hadn't had the heart to refuse Tess her wish.
Daisy hadn't done much to ease the tension. She kept ignoring her mother and spending as much time as she could away from home. So often it was just the two of them, forced to share a space that had turned into a no man's land. Alec had the impression that Tess was doing her best to avoid cracking the eggshells she was walking on, but her forced smiles, and her new willingness to ignore Daisy's snarky remarks, made him sad and uncomfortable.
Upstairs, the shower was running. Alec climbed to what had once been their bedroom to get rid of his sodden trousers and shirt. Half naked, he cursed under his breath when he realized he had forgotten about the open door and kicked it shut. Why was he so angry? He put his pajamas trousers on and sat on the bed. A slice of light appeared from under the door.
"Power's back!" Tess shouted from the bathroom.
He nodded and closed his eyes. That way, he could pretend that the familiar sounds of bare feet on the carpeted stairwell and of plastic bags being emptied belonged to the past. That in a short while, Daisy would be back from school, and the three of them would gather around the kitchen table.
A knock on the door brought him back to the present.
"Alec, I'm going to bed."
"Yeah, good night."
There was a beat of silence, but he could still feel her out there.
"Can I come in for a second?"
He stood and opened the door. Tess had changed into a pink and gray combo of baggy pants and a sweatshirt. Her hair was down and her skin was still reddish from the hot water. She smelled of soap.
"Power is back," she said again in a whisper.
He shrugged and turned the light on.
"How is your wrist?"
They both looked at the bruised back of his right hand. There were reddish marks where he had scratched it against the tire, but nothing more.
"It's ok. Was just a bump."
"Good. Hey, thank you for the help." She mimicked the jack pumping.
He smiled despite himself. "You're welcome."
"Sleep well Alec."
"G'night. See ya tomorrow."
He watched her back disappear into the guest room, and went to his own bed. Before he drifted to sleep, he realized he hadn't asked her if she had eaten anything.
The room was bathed in a dull sluggish grayness; the same hue as the rectangle of sky he could see from his bed. He checked his phone clock; he had overslept.
Why was everything so quiet? Daisy should be back home by now.
Alec dragged his hands over his face and looked at the spotless pillow next to his. He kicked the covers off and padded downstairs.
Tess was sitting at the kitchen island, reading a book. She greeted him good morning without raising her eyes from it. "Coffee's still warm," she added after turning a page.
Alec nodded and poured himself a mug of coffee. Tess had put on a knee length dress that he had never seen before, and a white wool cardigan. Her hair was tied in the usual bun, except for the lock she kept curling around her finger.
Dave Thompson kissing her throat and nibbling at her earlobe, making her gasp, making her forget her book.
Alec felt the images invading his head before he could block them and clenched his mug.
"What?" She was staring at him now, head tilted to one side.
He shook his head and went to retrieve his phone. "I'll call Daisy. It's past ten, she has to be back for lunch."
Daisy arrived three hours later with a scowl. As they ate the simple lunch that Tess had put together, the only noise in the room was that of tableware and dishes.
"Hey, you know dad saved me yesterday night?" Tess suddenly spluttered.
The girl's eyebrows raised. "Did he?"
"Yes; I had a flat tire and he came to rescue me under the deluge. Imagine that!"
Daisy put her cutlery down. "Well, that's awesome. But why didn't you call Dave?"
Alec felt his throat tighten. "Daisy-"
"I mean mum, I'm sure he would have handled the situation better than dad. Maybe bringing you to a nice, warm hotel. He's better off than we are, isn't he? Or does he fancy cheap places?"
Alec stood so quickly that his chair fell over. "Enough!" His hands were tingling, and he was overcome by a sudden urge to leave and just forget what he had just heard.
Daisy didn't even flinch as she looked straight at him. "Why? Aren't we supposed to talk openly about what mum did?"
Tess cleared her throat. "We are, Daisy. You are right."
The girl scoffed. "I do have such a cool mother. So what about your mate Dave Thompson?"
I didn't call Dave because I'm no longer in touch with-"
Alec couldn't push himself to look at Tess, but her voice was barely more than a whisper. "You don't have to answer this," he hissed.
Daisy stood, shifting her glare to her mother. "Yeah sorry, dad's right. Keep on pretending that we're a happy family, and go ahead and act like Mom of the Year."
"Dais, I was just trying to-"
"I don't want to listen to your hypocritical babbling! I don't want you here! Nobody wants you here, can't you see that?"
Daisy stormed out and stomped up the stairs to her room, but not before Alec saw the angry tears rolling down her cheeks.
A few moments later another door opened and shut. Out of the corner of his eyes, Alec saw Tess leave the house.
He slouched back into his chair. Daisy's behaviour didn't make sense to him. He knew she was having a hard time accepting the truth about their divorce. He was even getting somehow accustomed to his daughter's cold indifference and snappy remarks, but he was struggling to recognize the girl that had just called her mother a whore. It was as if someone had snatched his sweet girl and replaced her with a savvy and malicious woman. Daisy had always looked up to Tess, and Alec couldn't count the times he had come back home at night to find her and Tess chattering around that same table. He had felt a bit left out sometimes, but the knowledge that his girls shared such a solid bond had allowed him to go to sleep serenely. Now it seemed that that precious connection had been added to the pile of the things lost forever.
A wind gust rattled the window. He glanced outside and saw Tess leaning against the back fence, arms crossed in front of her. Alec went after her, desperate to leave the stifling silence of the house.
He saw that something was wrong at once. Her breathing was shallow and short, and her cheeks were colorless.
A panic attack.
"Leave me alone," she pleaded as he put a hand on her back.
"Take deep and slow breaths."
Tess crouched forward with her hands on her knees and tried to do as instructed.
Alec felt the muscles of her back twitch, and drew slow circles with his thumb between her shoulderblades. He was surprised to feel his eyes stinging, but told himself it was the wind.
After a while her breathing slowed down and she straightened her back. "I'm sorry, I know you hate this emotional stuff." She was shaking, and her eyes were still a bit unfocused.
He put an arm around her shoulders. "Let's go inside."
"No. I can't... I don't want Daisy…"
"She's in her room," he whispered. "Tess, it's cold. Come on." He dragged her inside, and after a weak resistance she let him.
"I'm fine," she muttered as she sat on the sofa, hands clenched in her lap. She looked far from fine, but at least she had regained some colour.
Alec brought her a glass of water and sat beside her. "Has this happened before?"
Tess nodded, still not looking at him. "It's just stress."
He wanted to touch her again but didn't dare, so he cleared his throat instead. "Yeah, but that feels like shit, doesn't it?" He remembered the dizziness, the sweaty hands and the almost physical pain hyperventilation brought way too well. He also remembered how empty he had felt after every one of those episodes. But she's not really as sick as you were, he told himself. It's just stress.
And loneliness, and fear, and humiliation.
"It does," confirmed her after a long beat of silence. "Alec, I'm leaving."
"What?"
"I can't stay here after what happened. I'm not doing Daisy any good with my presence."
Alec closed his eyes. She didn't need to tell him, he knew this meant she wasn't going to come back.
"Would you…" She went to fetch a paper bag from under the table and put it at Alec's feet. It had a purple ribbon on it. "Would you give her this? I found a pair of Converse I knew she was looking for in Sheffield."
All Alec could do was nod.
"Good. I better move if I want to avoid rush hour. And… I'm sorry for today."
"Don't."
"Don't what?"
"Be sorry. Leave."
"Alec…"
Alec fought to slow his thoughts down so that he could try to voice them. "That's not what Daisy needs."
She shook her head.
"No, listen to me. She was wrong saying to you what she did. I love her more than life, but she was wrong. If you leave now, if you let your presence be replaced by a pair of fancy shoes, she'll think you gave up on her. She'll believe that she can get away with this kind of behaviour, that she can be mean and rude because her parents are too busy dealing with their sense of guilt to see her."
Tess had buried her face in her hands. "But if my presence makes her act like that, if she despises me so much…" She looked at him with red-rimmed eyes. "The two of you are better when I'm not here, aren't you?"
Alec wasn't able to answer that question. He was still shaken by Daisy's outburst of anger toward her mother, but the tense silence that filled the house on weekdays didn't resemble peace either. "Tess, she just learnt that parents can make mistakes. Big mistakes."
She blinked, and a fat tear rolled down her cheek. She didn't seem to notice, still staring at him with sad eyes.
Alec fought again to put together the right words. "But love doesn't need perfection, and good people sometimes stumble and get lost like everyone else. Daisy needs you more than ever, she needs you to understand how…" He leant his head against the back of the sofa, exhausted. "How it's what comes next that matters."
"And what comes next?"
"Facing the consequences while trying to get back on one's feet. That's what you're doing, and that's why Daisy shouldn't have acted the way she did. But.. but she's still too young to see this, and needs someone to teach her."
"You?" She sniffed.
"No. Just as I couldn't have changed that tire alone yesterday, I can't do this."
She bent her head. "I can't face her right now. I need…"
"I know. Get some rest, take your time, but stay. Please."
Tess put her left hand over his and their fingers entwined.
He rubbed her wrist with his thumb, sliding to her palm and her ring finger. She didn't move, her profile half hidden by locks of dark hair. There were so many things he wanted to ask her, things he needed to know to decide what to do with the rest of his life.
He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it. The winter day was already coming to an end, and a soft, azure glow colored the sky. Someone in the house on the other side of the street turned on a light, and a dog barked at a passing car.
He let her hand go.