Hansel and Gretel

By: Twilight Goddess Sage

Sage: "Um yeah, for the first time ever, I am writing a shonen-ai story."

Ryu-kun: "Congrats Sage, Wahoo!" (throws up some confetti.)

Sage: "Um, yeah thanks Ryu-kun…I dedicate this fic to the perverted darker part of my subconscious, which I call, Monster. She loves things that are crude and violent; I often resent her, and sometimes well…let's not go there."

Monster: "Thank you so much Sage-chan! I feel so happy I could--"

Chibisage: "Enough, enough!"

Fuumashi (picks up a stack of papers): "Anyways, this is a fanfic which involves the characters from the popular anime/ manga series, Naruto. It also takes place in an alternative universe, so time frames specific to the anime are thrown out the window and canonized relationships are ripped at the seams."

Miyu: "Also, there will be minor characters brought out of the grave and waltzing amongst the living, while some characters may not show up at all. The viewers may have a request, but Sage-chan here has already written up three chapters and has a story line. So all you people that are like, 'Oooh give me some of that GaaNeji or ItaDei or OroKabu,' can it please unless you think it would truly benefit the plot. Yes there is a plot; Sage refuses to write a story without a plot."

Sage (puts her hands on her hips): "Well plotless stories are just plain trash! Plot is what holds a story through thick and thin, without a plot…things are just crap!"

Chibisage: "Furthermore, Sage does not own Naruto, or the original fairy tale Hansel and Gretel."

Kira: "So anyhow, let's get on with it. This fic is rated T for now, due to crude language and crude ideas. The rating may go up as the story progresses."

Chapter 1

Once upon a time, there was a small hut far off from a little town wherein lived a poor woodcutter named Iruka and his children. Naruto was his son and Ino was his daughter. They lived humble but pleasant lives because for the most part, they were able to make ends meet. One night in the forest on his way home, Iruka came upon a beautiful sight, something that appeared to a long-black haired maiden in the moonlight. She had extremely pale skin and gorgeous gleaming eyes. He was so surprised that he almost dropped the heavy sack of food that he had purchased at the village on his way home.

However, what he didn't know was that this 'maiden' was in fact a man. He was a gay snake demon named Orochimaru who had been bathing; but when he caught a whiff of a lone human male, he flicked his tongue in delight and decided to lure the man towards him to have some mansex. 'Oooooh, this will be nice, now Sasuke-kun may not have to worry about being on the bottom for a while. If he's good looking, I may even keep him.' With that thought he slid out and dressed himself after drying off his skin but leaving his hair slick enough to give off a shine. He then set himself up on a rock where the moon would pore over his pale body and dressed himself loosely in a lavender robe. When Iruka found him, he smirked slightly when he heard the other gasp and looked over making eye contact. 'Ooooo, what have we here? He's not too bad on the eyes, rather cute with that scar on over the bridge of his nose actually. Yes, a keeper indeed,' the snake man thought to himself. After several minutes of silence he mused aloud, "Why hello there, just how long do you plan on standing there looking?" he then cocked his head coyly and murmured slyly, "Do you like what you see?"

Iruka blushed hoping it wouldn't show up in the shadows of the trees and gulped, "Um…I-I'm sorry to disturb you, um…ma'am, I-I w-was just p-passing through and all…" he muttered nervously.

'Oh yes…definitely a cute one…I could just eat him up right now…' Orochimaru thought wickedly as he smiled at the stuttering man who was trying to look away but was held firm in the snake demon's gaze. "Oh no…it's quite alright." He then grinned, "Although actually I'm a man…"

At this Iruka's eyes widened and he bowed down in shame, "I-I'm so sorry…sir, m-my mistake…I-I h-haven't s-seen too many men as b-beautiful as you…" he murmured as he shook in nervousness.

"Oh don't worry, dear," Orochimaru gushed out before he shot towards Iruka and wrapped an arm around the other man's waist while using his other hand to lift his chin up to where once again they were locked in eye contact.

"U-uh…s-sir?" Iruka shivered both from the cold produced by his sweat and the cool air of the night and his fright at the sudden closeness between him and the stranger.

"Don't worry, and by the way, my name is Orochimaru," he murmured as he breathed warm air onto his captive, "Oh, you're wet and shivering, allow me to escort you to my place to warm up."

"B-but!"

"It's not too far, and it's much closer than the village," Orochimaru murmured as he began to stroke circles over the human's back resisting the temptation to grope him and make him get defensive. 'I'll be damned if I let this delicious morsel go back to the village before I can ravish him.'

"B-but…m-my children!" Iruka insisted fearfully.

Orochimaru stiffened slightly, 'Children?! Oh he's a married man is he…well…funny he didn't mention his wife…' He sneered inwardly, 'I bet his wife is a bitch; I could pleasure him way better than she could.'

"M-my children…they are all alone back at the cabin…I-I need to get back so I-I c-can m-make them…dinner…" Iruka pleaded, "Pl-please let me go home!"

Orochimaru's eyes widened for just a minute and he had to fight back a smirk, 'So this is the man my servants have been talking about who lives in the woods, the widower that lost his dear wife because of the two human twins she spawned. Hmmm…a change of plans, I guess I'll move right on in, get rid of the kids and then ravish this delectable man.' "Oh, if you insist, but please let me accompany you, it's quite late and there are some creatures out that may be attracted to your goods," Orochimaru replied gesturing to the man's sack while snickering inwardly at his double meaning sentence, 'It's a wonder he hasn't been snatched up already, lucky for me, I suppose.'

"Um…really…you don't have to do that…I'll be fine…" Iruka muttered unhappy that if Orochimaru came into his household than he would have to feed him as well and he had only brought enough provisions for himself and his two children for the next two days if they were lucky. "I don't have much on me, and what I have is probably a bit meager for your tastes, sir." He figured that based on Orochimaru's expensive looking yakuta that the man was of a noble house and was used to finer things.

'Oh no…you aren't meager at all…kukukukuku…I know a fine sexy uke when I see one. Oh, he means the food in the sack, my bad,' "Oh don't worry, I have already eaten tonight, so don't worry about that. I insist."

And so, Iruka was unable to shake Orochimaru off and the two of them made their way to the humble little cabin in which Iruka, Naruto and Ino called home. Iruka was embarrassed to say the least that his new finely dressed acquaintance had to see it and apologized profusely before going to open the door. However the door swung open before he had the chance and a yellow and orange blur jumped on Iruka knocking the poor man down.

"Iruka-papa, you're finally home, what took you so long?! We were so worried!" Naruto yelled hugging his father.

Ino came out of the door behind him with her hands on her hips, "Naruto, knock it off! You may have smashed the food!"

Iruka sighed, "Naruto, I'm fine, I'm sorry you were worried," he murmured consoling his son as he struggled to sit up, "There was a ruckus at the smokehouse, apparently someone tried to make off with a ham again."

"I bet it was Zaku, that boy has no morals what-so-ever," Ino muttered shaking her head. She finally noticed Orochimaru, "Oh my, we have a guest?!"

"Huh? Who?" Naruto asked loudly as he got off of his father to squint at Orochimaru, "Hmmmm, I've never seen this person before…Who are you?!"

Ino punched him in the head giving him a big bruise and making him yelp, "You idiot! Quit being so rude!" she looked over at Orochimaru again and bowed, "I'm sorry, he's rather cranky, you'll have to excuse him."

Orochimaru looked over the two children as Iruka got back up on his feet, 'Hmmm, the boy would look better in a less hideous color; but he's not my type; he'd be too much of a challenge to be involved in a threesome.' He sighed but then he smirked, 'However, I do recall Sasuke saying that he would like a young one with enough energy to last many rounds of delicious sex. Hmmmm, I guess I'll send him that way so Sasuke can have his way with him. As for the girl…hmmm, hopefully she'll get eaten. If not, there are plenty of straight demons in the woods that may want a piece of her. Until I can get them out here, I'll just worm my way in.' "Oh it's alright, my name is Orochimaru. It's nice to meet you."

'Wait, Orochimaru? Didn't Kiba mention something about a man named Orochimaru?' Naruto thought recalling a conversation he had with his friends over a game of cards.

Flashback

(Naruto is sitting with Kiba, Shino, Shikamaru, Chouji, Zaku, and Dosu at a table. Several of them are engaged in a card game, while the others are just watching.)

Naruto: "I have two kings!"

Zaku: "Bullshit!"

Naruto (grins): "Nope, I really do!" (shows his cards).

Zaku: "Damn it!"

Kiba: "Heh, with your skill in cards, it's a shame you don't play poker."

Naruto (shakes his head): "You know my father would shave my head if he caught me gambling."

Chouji: "So don't get caught then…"

Zaku: "Easy for you to say, that man is really hard to hide things from."

Kiba (smirks): "What if it was gambling not with money but with dares?"

Naruto: "Huh?"

Shino: "He means that if you lose you have to do something either really embarrassing or stupid."

Shikamaru: "Why bother, gambling is troublesome."

Dosu: "Why don't you just skip the gambling part and do a dare or lose your pride as a man?"

Zaku: "Feh, maybe if there was more than pride at stake or something offered I would."

Kiba: "In that case, I have a dare that if one of you would do it, I'd be willing to set, the next pheasant Akamaru and I bag."

Dosu: "It better be a good sized one…"

Naruto (thinking): 'Hmmm even a medium sized one might be able to feed us for a night if we have some potatoes on the side.' "I accept it!"

Kiba (grinning): "Heh, hey, you may want to hear the dare before you jump on it." (he leans in closer after laying down his cards facedown while the others do the same so that they can hear better.) "Hey, y'know, Akamaru came up upon something really creepy one evening. We were tracking a rabbit one night when suddenly we heard a loud hiss causing the furry thing to run off. We pressed on and—"

Zaku: "This isn't one of your horror stories is it?"

Kiba (growls at him): "Shut up and listen!" (he takes a breath and goes on) "So anyway, we pressed on and came to a clearing and we saw a giant snake that was bigger than the village head man's house. It was locked in combat with large boar and in the end it strangled the thing and bit it in the throat. When the boar died it transformed into a woman with dark hair. Then the snake returned to its form, which was a freaky man with long dark hair and yellow eyes. The only way I could tell the gender was by its deep voice as it voiced its triumph. I figured they were demons and waited until they were gone before we headed back home. So when I got back and talked to my mother, she said something about an Orochimaru, a snake demon who masqueraded as a man. He was notorious for making off with men and boys who were never seen again though sometimes strange noises would be heard in from the forest; however his activities had dwindled down some time ago. She warned me not to go into that neck of the woods; or I'd probably never come out again."

Chouji: "Sounds like a spooky story to me. Demon's aren't real…"

(The rest of the boys except Kiba nod in agreement.)

Kiba (growls): "Yes they are! I saw the demon myself with my own eyes! Akamaru did too! Right boy?"

Akamaru (from under the table where he was chewing on a pig's ear): "Arf! Arf!"

Shino: "Are you sure you didn't fall asleep and dream up this whole thing?"

Kiba: "I didn't dream it up! Now then for the dare; I dare one of you to go towards the west part of the woods where the snake demon is supposed to reside and bring back some his shed snake skin or something that proves you went there and made it out alive."

(They all stare at him and then Zaku, Dosu, and Chouji start laughing at him.)

Zaku: "That was a freaky story and all, but demons aren't real!"

Dosu: "Even if they were real, you wouldn't get me to go out there for one pheasant."

Kiba: "Fine, I'll throw in three pheasants and a duck!"

Shikamaru: "Hey, hey, Naruto, you live near there right? Have you ever heard anything kind of strange or seen anything like that?"

(Naruto is silent as he looks stares off as if lost in thought.)

End of Flashback

'Orochimaru, the snake demon who goes around as a man…this person has the long dark hair and yellow eyes alright…oh god! What if Kiba was telling the truth?! Why is this guy here with our father, why didn't he just take him when he had the chance?' Naruto's eyes narrowed as he looked Orochimaru over suspiciously, 'I'm keeping my eye on this person, he can't keep that form for long, and he isn't going to eat me, my sister or my father; not if I can help it!'

"Naruto, stop staring like that! Introduce yourself to the nice woman who came back with father," Ino shouted, for she thought Orochimaru was a woman.

'Is it a lady?' Naruto thought, 'Oh well, I'll just have to wait and see…' "I'm Naruto, uh…nice to meet you too…Orochimaru…san…" he muttered bowing.

'Hmmmm…that boy had a calculating look in his eyes…he may be up to something,' Orochimaru thought, 'No matter, I'll tactfully get him out and his annoying little sister too, and then the fun will surely begin.'

Sage: "So what do you think? Bad? Good? Needs work?"

Kira: "You should know the drill by now, read and review, oh and leave something constructive, nothing like 'o this is good, lol' or 'you suckz,' Leave some constructive criticism telling why you like it or dislike it. Got it?"

Sage: "If you like it, I shall post more!"

Chibisage: "Hope to see ya again!"