(Disclaimer – I don't own any characters or anything and no money is made from this fic. However I will lay claim to every misplaced comma and pselling mistake)
'God save the Queen
The fascist regime
That made you a moron
A potential H –bomb
(Sex Pistols…..as if you didn't know)
….
"Miss Swann…..Emma…..if you really want to end this curse once and for all, if you want to send us all back home…. you will do it", encouraged Mr Gold as he sneered at the hesitance of the Sheriff. Though the truth of his alter ego was now known, he was confident in controlling the strings of his puppet who owed him a favor.
"K-kill her? Y-you want me to kill her?", gasped Emma as she held the knife he had given her, engraved with the name of Rumpelstiltskin, to the thin porcelain neck of Regina.
"No, just cut her deep enough for my blade to taste her blood", replied the wily man with a glint in his dulling eyes.
It had been less than twenty four hours since everyone in Storybrooke had their memories flood back, though the curse now lay in jagged shards there was one final act to perform. One final token from the Savior would see them all return to their realm of Fairytales. To their home.
Snow and James looked on fretfully as Emma, sweating profusely, pressed the enchanted knife to Regina's skin making her flinch, though strangely the Mayor eyes held a mix of fear and relief at the finality of it all. Though she pleaded that Henry be taken away so as his young eyes not be emblazoned with such images, Mr Gold insisted the boy stay and witness the end for, as well he knew, he was the one who held the keys to their return.
"Do it Emma, it's the only way to finish this", said Mr Gold with a vindictive sneer.
"J-just a little cut….that's all?", asked Emma as she fought to keep a steady hold of the knife, wishing that Regina would show her other regal side and so would feel little in slicing open the skin of this strong and determined woman who would not let her gaze wrest from Emma's.
"Yes, the knife is the key, it must be used on she who cast the curse. Then the curse will end", he said elusively.
"I….", gulped Emma as the thin silver blade pushed against Regina's elegant neck.
"STOP!", came the rabbled chorus shaking them from their eerie scene as the citizens of Storybrooke burst through the doors of the Mayor's mansion.
"It's alright everyone. We'll all be home soon", said Snow trying to placate the fervent mob who, she assumed, were there for the Queen's head.
"Wait, you d-don't understand", spluttered Doctor Hopper as her was thrust forward from the mob, "That is….I…I… I mean to say we…. er …we've all talked about it a-and the thing is ….what I mean to say…."
"We don't wanna go home", snorted Grumpy tiring of the flustered man's efforts.
"Y-you don't want to leave?", asked James in stunned disbelief, "But we can all be back in the Kingdom within…."
"That's just it isn't it, it's your Kingdom…..not ours. You're royalty, you have a big ass castle and servants, fine wine and an entire populace who'll do what you say just 'cos you're the Prince", the now sober man continued with gusto.
"B-but you…", said Snow but was cut off swiftly by the bearded man whose frustrated nature was now coming to a head.
"Back there we were just slaves to you, just feudal serfs expected to obey your every word and die just because the Lord of the manor decides to get pissy with his neighbour and kick off some stupid ass war. Here….in this world…. we don't have to anything like that"
"But its home….where we live and love….where our hearts can truly…"
"Don't try and romanticize it, Snow. It was a shit hole and you know it"
"But the Kingdom….", stammered James holding his wife closer seeing the number of scowls being fired at them by the mob. Quite the opposite of what they were expecting.
"This isn't about you and your precious throne", snapped Ruby, "You just want to escape this blue collar life so you can go back to being King of everything, untouchable and able to do whatever you want to whoever you want. Noble causes and nonsense like that, we don't want to live under your command no more"
"But why would want to stay here? What can this world possibly offer you?", said Snow.
"What can it offer us?", said Grumpy, "Here we have TV, dvd's, deodorant, cars, the internet, Snickers, Jerry Springer, playstations, Elvis, youtube, birth control, Futurama…"
"But what about all you'll be giving up?"
"Like what? Here we have flush toilets and that quilted toilet roll covered in those little hexagonal patterns", added Abigail, "I for one was sick of having to crap in a bucket and wipe myself with a handful of leaves"
"Amen to that", added August glad he had now had access to haemorrhoid cream and the finest tools crafted by Black And Decker.
"He does have a point", added Regina earning a glare from Emma.
"Face it Snow, we were living in the dark ages, a medieval stinkpit controlled by a feudal system where all our lives were forfeit to the sovereign. No choice in our leaders but expected to die for them, what kind of dictatorship do you want us to return to?"
"But Regina is evil and….."
"Well d'uh, she's a Republican", said Dr Whale with strange insistence," But here in this world she has no regal powers nor any magic, here she has to obey the laws of a democratic system where we vote who we want to govern us. You Emma were voted in as Sheriff, not a position given you to by some archaic birth right, so how can you now turn your back on the free right to choose. Surely you can see the benefits of a democratic system rather than a sovereign dependency?"
"So you will give up your homes back in our realm and….", butted in Mr Gold clutching his cane until his knuckles turned white.
"Homes? I'm a straight guy living with six other men in a run-down wooden shack, why do you think they call me Grumpy?", grunted the bearded man who, for once, was not afraid to stand up to his peers for he now knew his constitutional rights of freedom of speech.
"If we want to go back home then we can wave goodbye to toothpaste, Louboutins, lip gloss, lazer eye surgery, TiVo, mp3's….", murmured Ruby going through a mental check list.
"Hell yeah, I'm not giving up my iPod for you. I mean, would you rather listen to some simpleton minstrel with a flute, or Amy Winehouse?", said David suddenly realising his foolishness, "Ok, that was a bad example"
"But he's right. Back there all we have is a wrongun in pantyhose up a tree with a lute, here we have Lady Gaga, Gollbetty and Johnny Cash", said Abigail forcefully.
"In this world I start each day with the twin joys of Red Bull and Marlboro, what better way to kick of a day is that? Not to mention popcorn, handguns, liposuction, dentists, welfare.…"
"And at least we have tampons and Advil here, back there we have to make do with a handful of straw once a month", snorted Ruby as Henry looked up confused.
"And I do need my pension", added Granny, "Back home I could barely manage and was just waiting for that last winter to finish me off, at least I have central heating here and microwavable meals. This is America after all, and if we stay here I know I'll be looked after in my old age and not end up as supper to a troll or a bear"
"But with this one act we'll be free of the tyranny of an evil leader", protested James.
"Dude, we've just freed ourselves of eight years of Bush, so I think it's a pretty even parallel. And how did we do it? With our freedom to vote, once the monarchy is established again in fairytale land we can say adios to democracy. Here we have fair trials and due process, there's no way we want to revert to a crown dictatorship", said Ruby surprising everyone with her stance.
"But do you not want to be free?", said Mr Gold itching to regain his power.
"Free to do what? Starve in a cabin in the harsh winter? We have to scavenge in the woods most the year, but here we can just order a pizza and have it delivered", snorted Grumpy.
"Have you all gone mad? Have you forgotten Regina is evil?", Snow replied dumbfounded that the common man would rise up and speak their truths.
"No, of course not. But here Regina isn't some Queen who can chop off people's heads just 'cos she feels like it, she has no retinue of servants bowing and scraping attending to her every need. In this world Regina is nothing more than a public servant, she's the Mayor and instead of indulging in her privilege she spends all her time doing paperwork making sure the trash gets picked up, that the street lights work and the sewers don't overflow. Now instead of ruling a kingdom she actually has to go to work and pay her taxes to someone else, I'd say that's more of a punishment than anything we could come up with"
"Y-you're defending her?", coughed Emma letting the knife drop a little more.
"She may have brought us here as an act of evil, but now we see what delights this world has, she did us a favor really", said Doctor Whale, "We may be prisoners in this town but at least it's a safe place that she runs efficiently. Our school is first rate not that we even any such things back home, and Storybrooke is a safe place for our children without having to worry about them being eaten by goblins or dragons. Not to mention our crime rate is minimal, think about it Sheriff, the only time you even do anything is when you lock up Leroy for being drunk. Do we have that kind of safety back home?"
"It can be arranged", said James with a touch of naivety.
"No it can't", said Ruby with a shake of the head, "A couple of years back I had my appendix out. You think back home in fairytale land there was anything even remotely resembling real doctors in a real hospital? No, it was just leeches, blood letting and exorcisms. To survive something like that it would mean making a deal with Rumpelstiltskin or some fairy, a deal which would haunt us forever. Here, we just fill out a few insurance forms and voila. And there's also the problem of Henry"
"What problem?", said Emma looking down at the child she cast off at birth.
"His grandmother, Snow, is only twenty years older than him. If this was Virginia that'd be normal, how the hell would you expect him to grow up sane like that?"
"A-at least he would grow up away from that evil witch", continued the Sheriff as her control ebbed away.
"I must say that Henry is a polite, well-mannered, kind hearted boy", said Dr Hopper clenching his umbrella anxiously, "Regina may be the evil Queen but she has done a fine job of raising Henry to be as wonderful a child as he is. In your eyes, just because she doesn't want him to rot his brain on e-numbers and has a hard time expressing her feelings, that constitutes bad motherhood? And now he's only just dealing with the abandonment issues bestowed by your negligence"
"You're actually on her side? But back there you're respected", said Snow.
"Back there I am a cricket", he replied flatly, "And I'm in no way attracted to other insects"
"So that's it? You want to stay just because you're horny?", snorted Emma.
"It's just a matter of time before someone drops a book on me", he countered flatly.
"B-but back in our world the Queen could lock you up without charge because you were of a certain ilk"
"And that wouldn't happen here? Guantanemo Bay ring any bells?", added Mr Gold.
"Hey I never said this world was perfect, but it's a helluva lot better than our own"
"This is ridiculous", snapped Mr Gold eager to regain his powers, "Emma listen to me. She stole your family from you, surely you want revenge for that. Go on, just one cut and you'll be the Princess you were always meant to be"
"Shut it Gold", shouted Grumpy ignoring the fierce glare of the be-suited man, "I ain't afraid of you no more. Emma, sure you'll be a Princess and can turn your back on your blue collar life, but you'll be cursing us all to life of drudgery. Where the roads are made of mud and covered in manure, where the royals can cut off our hands or heads if they felt like it 'cos we're just nothings dressed in rough hessian sacks back there with no medical help or workman's comp."
"Heh, this is like that scene in 'Life Of Brian', you know the whole "what have the Romans ever done for us", don't you think?", said Doctor Hopper brightly.
"Exactly, back home we have no Monty Python, or Frasier or Saturday Night Live. It's a land of pain, death, misery and slavery. You really want to sentence us all to such a living nightmare?"
"But Regina's still evil"
"Just as you are still good, Snow. If we're basically the same person with the same code of ethics and morality at heart, what difference would it make if we stayed in this world. Here, Regina and Rumpelstiltskin have no magic powers, they can't hurt us like that. It's no different from any other culture, the rich stay rich by clinging onto their power no matter what, and the poor will always oil their machines with their sweat and blood"
"You sound like a Marxist"
"I may be, but you just proved my point. Here we are free to think for ourselves and have access to whatever information, religion or political beliefs we like"
"But Gold can evict you or Regina can make…"
"This is America princess, we have a system set up to stop corruption and the abuse of the less fortunate. It might not always work but this is a capitalist society, and if we go on strike what are they gonna do? They'd have to listen to our demands or they will be as destitute as us if common ground can't be found. Back home they'd simply burn us alive or turn us into monkeys, are you really willing to give them that power back so we all cower in fear the rest of our lives?"
"Emma, I know you think you're doing this for all of us….. but listen, if it's our lives you intend to change so radically shouldn't it be up to us?", said Ruby in a sombre tone.
"If you break the curse and send us all home I promise there will be revolution within the month and you will be up against a wall, now we have tasted life without the rule of Kings and princes, now we have seen democracy at work, we could never live like that again. If you're really our friend, if you really are doing this for our freedom, why won't you let us have the freedom to choose?", continued Doctor Whale showing the need for true men to be free of the oppression of any monarchy,
"B-but the Kingdom…" stammered James.
"God, just listen to you, no wonder there was a revolution in this country", mumbled Grumpy, "We have our memories back, we know who we used to be, and we want to stay. Why in the fuck would we want to go back there?"
"Miss Swan", said Regina softly speaking for the first time in ages, "It's your choice. So what are you going to do?"