Title: Waiting Is The Hardest Part
Author: mrscastielftw
Rating: PG – 13 (Language)
Characters: Dean and Castiel
Genre: Unbearable Depression
Spoilers: Season 4 Especially, On The Head Of A Pin
Warnings: Sad...Did I write this?
Word Count: 820
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just borrowed it and I will return it when I am finished – unfortunately.
Summary: A look at the final scene from On The Head Of A Pin between Dean and Cas.
Though Cas had witnessed so much since his creation and he had quite literally been to Hell and back, nothing had prepared him for the past forty-eight hours...forty-eight hours that was not even a blip in time to an angel, but these had changed everything.
He couldn't even remember how long he had been in this room listening to the rhythmic beating of the heart monitor and waiting. He waited for Dean to wake up. He waited to stop feeling. He waited for the return certainty and safety of knowing their cause was just. He waited.
A subtle change in Dean's breathing alerted Cas that the young man was now awake. "Are you all right?" It wasn't what he wanted to ask and it wasn't what he meant to ask, but it was the only question that he could manage.
"No thanks to you." Dean's voice was rough. e He glanced briefly at the angel before turning away in disgust. He had tortured again. Now he knew that part of himself that he hoped had died in Hell was still there deep down.
Cas struggled to find a way to express the doubt that cast a shadow over everything he thought he knew. "You need to be more careful."
"You need to learn how to manage a damn devil's trap." Dean's words were angry, but he was too tired for there to be any real venom in them.
"That's not what I mean. Uriel is dead." Cas knew all of Heaven would feel the loss of their brother, but he felt it so much closer. Everything was compounded by the pain of knowing that God's will may not be what the angels are following.
Dread shot through Dean, "Was it the demons?"
"It was disobedience." Cas thought how ironic it was that Uriel, Anna, and Lucifer had all been guilty of this crime and now it seems that he will be its next victim. Turning to face Dean, it didn't matter. Cas knew his place was with the righteous man, "He was working against us."
Dean took a breath and willed his voice steady, "Is it true? Did I break the first seal? Did I start all this?"
"Yes. When we discovered Lilith's plan for you, we laid siege to Hell and we fought our way to get to you before you..."
"Jump-started the apocalypse." The words were barely a whisper marred by guilt, shame, and fear.
Cas looked towards the sky and truly wished that he, God, or someone could convince Dean that he deserved to be saved. If there was any blame, Cas knew it was his, if he had fought harder or flown faster. "And we were too late."
Dean poured all the self-hatred, loathing, and doubt into one question, "Why didn't you just leave me there, then?"
"It's not blame that falls on you, Dean, it's fate. The righteous man who begins it is the only one who can finish it. You have to stop it." Cas heard the words he had told Dean earlier echo in his mind and he knew this burden was one more that he would give anything not to have ask of Dean.
"Lucifer? The apocalypse? What does that mean? Hey! Don't you go disappearing on me, you son of a bitch. What does that mean?"
"I don't know."
"Bull."
"I don't. Dean, they don't tell me much. I know our fate rests with you." Cas felt like his faith in Dean was almost a tangible presence in the room, but he couldn't make the young man believe it. Dean, whose soul had shown so brightly even in Hell, could not see his own worth.
Dean felt the tears flooding his eyes, "Well, then you guys are screwed. I can't do it, Cas. It's too big. Alastair was right. I'm not all here. I'm not strong enough. Well, I guess I'm not the man either of our dads wanted me to be."
Cas wrapped his arms carefully around Dean's shoulders. The hunter closed his eyes and welcomed this momentary respite from fate, the apocalypse, Heaven and Hell. Then hesitantly he returned the hug. The angel whispered, "Me either."
"Find someone else. It's not me."
Cas felt like he finally understood what it meant to feel sorry for another person. At this moment he felt heartbreaking sorrow for Dean. He knew that there was no turning back, that this was disobedience, and he had crossed the line of no return. Now, he just had to convince the other angels not to suspect him. He had to be strong and appear to maintain status quo, so that he could protect Dean. He would give anything not to have to ask this of Dean, but since he could take that burden away, he vowed to help Dean carry it.
The only indication that the angel had left was the soft sound of feathers.