Hello everyone! Welcome to an all new fic! South Park! I know, right!? Very different in comparison to my other fics, but this does happen to be my favorite show of all time, so it was bound to happen. And what's more, this is another fic that is being collaborated with! That's right, one of my best friends and I are tag teaming this fic, and I'm so glad he can be here!
Lucenthia is one of my best friends on this entire planet. Together, we've been through a lot, learned a lot, and just ... well, a lot! Anyway, he has some very good stories, most notably a Kingdom Hearts fiction. I'm very happy to finally be writing with him, and together we can introduce you to our South Park series!
Growing Up: The Eye of Gaeasecks is merely part one of what is planned to be a great series, so let's get this show going!
TorNathan: It's finally here! We've been planning this for so long!
Lucenthia: Cool.
TorNathan: See, coming into this story, Lucenthia doesn't really like the whole conversation thing. So we won't be doing this every chapter. But, we're making the exception for chapter one. Anything you can let the readers know about our story? What they can expect or wait to see?
Lucenthia: Well, we've tried to make the plot of this story a lot like the TV show. So hopefully it's going to be stupid.
TorNathan: Yes, something we learned is that you may see things that are pretty bad writing. Well, that's on purpose. So if it seems stupid or nonsensical, then it's meant to be that way! Oh the joys of writing a South Park fic.
Lucenthia: But if you think something's bad, then please point it out to us anyways, because there's always the possibility that we didn't actually mean for it to be terrible.
TorNathan: Yes, he makes a good point. We still want your criticisms and all you have to say! Help us learn and grow!
TorNathan: So, I think we can finally get this under way! Ready Lucenthia?
Lucenthia: Yeah.
Rated M for: Strong Language, Violence, Drug and Alcohol Use, Sexual Content, and overall, very, very offensive things.
Disclaimer: We do not own any rights to Comedy Central, South Park Studios, or anything that is created by Matt Stone and Trey Parker. This is simply a fan fiction dedicated to the greatness that is their show!
All characters and events in this fan fiction—even those based on real people—are entirely fictional. All celebrities are written...poorly. The following fiction contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be read by anyone.
Chapter I
Welcome to South Park
The snow was frigid and as white as an angel's wing. The quaint houses of South Park, a town that had seen it all and had been through it all, sat orderly as the sun rose into the sky, another day of work for the adults and school for the kids. Cars buzzed quietly as parents went to their jobs and buses hissed as they let kids on only to drop them off at school minutes later. South Park Elementary is where this tale begins. Little did the quiet town of South Park and the rest of the world know that events were about to happen and shape the universe. Maybe … just maybe … the world, or even South Park, hadn't seen it all.
Kids screamed and laughed as they jumped off the last steps of buses and began to walk up the cement and up the stairs into the school building. The American flag snapped wildly in the cold, Colorado mountain air. Four boys walked side by side through the doors, turned a right, and headed down to their lockers for a day full of fourth grade learning. They grabbed their small books, notes and pencils, scrambling to class as the bell rang overhead. All of their friends and classmates scurried around them, the heat of the school sinking in past their heavy clothing and warming their cold bodies. It was Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat all day for Stanley Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman and Kenny McCormick. They took their seats, for there were only two rows of them as Mr. Garrison took a stick of chalk, writing the heading for today's lesson: world geography.
"Now, kids, as much as I hate any country that isn't America, I apparently have to teach you about the world," their middle-aged teacher began. Mr. Garrison wore a green button down shirt tucked into dark, pleated pants ending with his black, shiny shoes. His balding gray hair was combed and his glasses hid his eyes. On his left hand was a puppet, his best friend, on-and-off lover, and co-teacher, Mr. Hat. Mr. Hat was a simple looking imitation of a man with a small beard. He wore a purple overcoat and wore a large, striped, red-and-white top hat.
"So, in the horrible world of Middle East, we have—"
"Remember that today …" the intercom interrupted.
"Oh, what could this be?" Mr. Garrison asked, annoyed.
" … is the last day before Spring Break, and that tomorrow will be the official taste testing of the Cooking Pageant, held in the town. If you are a student participating, make sure you are ready for tomorrow!" The intercom clicked off, silencing Principal Victoria's voice along with it.
"That would be this classroom she is referring to. Now, as I was saying before, The Middle East is a terrible place full of—"
Then there was a knocking at the door.
"Oh, for Christ's sake, what could that possibly be? Come in!" he yelled angrily at the door, slamming his chalk on the blackboard tray. His hand glued to his hip expectantly. The door stayed shut. Murmuring broke out among the kids.
"I hope they know Garrison's temper," Kyle said to Stan, his best friend. Stan nodded back, his eyes not leaving the door.
"He said come in!" Eric yelled, amid some laughter from his friends.
"Eric, be quiet," Mr. Garrison said. "I can handle this. I said to come in!" he shouted again, louder than before.
Again, nothing. And then, another subtle knock.
"Are you kidding me? If my job didn't count on it I'd—" He paused on his way to the door, looking at Mr. Hat.
"Now, be calm in front of the kids, Mr. Garrison," Mr. Hat admonished.
"Yeah, calm your tits, Mr. Garrison," Eric said, poorly mimicking Mr. Hat.
"You shut the hell up, Eric!" Garrison shouted through the laughter of the kids. He finally made his way to the door and opened it up. On the other side was a girl, the same age as the other fourth graders. Her hand was midair, ready to knock again.
"Who are you?" Mr. Garrison asked, his anger subsided and some actual curiosity replaced it. Before an answer could be made, the school counselor, Mr. Mackey, walked into the doorframe from behind her, tightening his tie. The girl shouldered her backpack into a more comfortable position.
"Why, hello Mr. Garrison, m'kay. This here is the new student we were telling you would be coming today. Her name is Scarlett Kendell. She's one of the more, erm, withdrawn students, and you were the only classroom available for her, m'kay?" Mr. Mackey explained.
"Oh great, I bet she's probably a feminist," Eric said for no reason at all.
"Shut it, fatty," Kyle said in retort before turning back to see Scarlett. She was now facing the students. She had black shiny hair that was straight with just a little flip at the end. She had dark green eyes, a small nose and a few freckles atop her cheeks, so few that Kyle could count them on both his hands. She wore a simple green shirt to match her eyes and blue jeans. A necklace hung around her neck, ruby with maybe a golden chain? It was eloquent, yet simple. Sharp and demanding, yet something Kyle couldn't quite guess. Her eyes stared with calculating precision at everyone. It was to be expected, being the new student and all. He saw a bit of … something in her eyes. Was it fear? He hoped not, but it something was holding back behind them. But then he snapped back to, and goddamn, she was pretty!
"Whoa! She's cute!" Kyle said to Stan.
"Yeah, she kinda is," he replied.
"What was that, Stan Marsh?" Wendy Tetsaburger said. She was Stan's girlfriend.
"Um, nothing," he hurriedly replied. Kenny made a muffled whiplash sound effect from behind them, earning a chuckle from his friends with the exception of Stan, who just blushed and scowled. Finally they were brought back to the matter at hand: Mr. Garrison.
"No, no, no, no! The last time I had a student that was like this, he—"
"He was trampled to death, yes we remember. If it happens again, then you'll lose your job. We can't blame it on the animal keeper again, m'kay," Mr. Mackey replied.
"Well it wasn't my fault he wouldn't let Mr. Hat help him, and then the elephants breaking loose from the areas only made it worse," Mr. Garrison replied with a roll of his eyes.
"Well, here she is, why don't you let her introduce herself. Have a good day kids, m'kay! And no picking on her," he said as he left the room. The door shut into pure quietness. Scarlett looked to Mr. Garrison.
"Go ahead and introduce yourself," he said with his face in his palm. She kind of just stood there, shuffling her feat around. Kyle looked at her in a dream-like way, not hearing Cartman bitch about him being called fatty.
"Well go on, we don't bite. Well, Tweek might, but that's different," Mr. Garrison said, adding in an exaggerated sigh at the end.
"Hello, my name is Scarlett Kendell. I just transferred here from Denver," she said with a distant stare.
"At least you're competent, that makes my job easier," Mr. Garrison said. "Go take the empty seat next to Wendy Tetsaburger. Wendy, wave to her." Scarlett turned around and saw Wendy beckoning her to the empty seat. Scarlett saw her genuine smile and very slightly returned it, hurrying over to sit down. Wendy started bickering to her, and Kyle saw that Scarlett happened to ease a little near her. Wendy had that effect on people, just like she could help Stan.
"Hey, Jew boy, have you heard anything I'm saying?" Eric called out to him.
"I told you to shut up, fat ass," Kyle said again.
"Don't call me fat you fu—"
"You two just quit it!" Mr. Garrison yelled. "We're not repeating this again. The last time you two fought like this, it almost ended the world. Now, back to world geography." Kyle and Eric both muttered under their breath.
"Okay kids, now … The Middle East is a place full of evil—"
"Attention students …" Chef's voice broke in over the intercom.
"Ah screw it, I hate this damn place!"
"Today is my special Spring Break lunch, so remember to—"
"He interrupts my class for this!?" Mr. Garrison screamed.
While Mr. Garrison was cursing at the intercom, Kyle stole a glance over to Scarlett as she and Wendy talked. He leaned a bit that way to eavesdrop on them.
"Is he … always like this?" Scarlett asked timidly.
"Yeah, he's a bit crazy," Wendy replied. "He's underwent multiple sex changes, shoved a rat up a gay guy's butt in class, and seduces any guy he gets near, usually. That's just a few, though," she explained nonchalantly.
"Don't forget that he begged his father to fu—"
"Not one more word, Eric!" Mr. Garrison shouted. The room's laughter subsided.
"Now, as I have been trying to say for almost an hour, The Middle East—"
"Mr. Garrison?" Butters asked whilst raising his hand. Wendy was pointing to each student explaining who they were to Scarlett.
"What in the name of Jesus Jumping Christ could you possibly want, Butters!?" he screamed, his face reddening significantly.
"Where's the Middle East? And why is it in the middle?" the blond boy asked.
The chalk snapped in Mr. Garrison's hand.
"OUTSIDE! NOW! All of you before I strangle Butters! Early recess! Out now!" he raged. The kids all cheered, instantly picking up their items and heading out into the halls, depositing them into the lockers, and then running ecstatically outside. Even though it was spring, the air was frigid up in the mountains. Kyle adjusted his thick hat a bit to cover his ears. He pushed some of his overflowing hair back up into it. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a brown object fly at him. He caught it out of instinct, being quite a good athlete.
"Why me?" he asked as he mindlessly walked with the other boys to their football area. "Stan's always QB. I can throw a basketball, not a football."
"Eh, stop whining and line up," Clyde said as he took his own spot on the opposing team.
"Whatever," Kyle said with a shrug. Of course Fat Ass was in front of him.
"Here." Kyle handed the ball to Cartman. All the boys lined up in position.
"Blue 42! Hut, second hut! Blue 43, Hike!" Kyle shouted, having remembered Stan's lines. A loud, resounding fart reeled out of Cartman in front of him. Hardy laughter rippled through everyone.
"Fuck you, Cartman!" he shouted, pulling his shirt over his nose as the smell nearly knocked him out. "What the hell do you eat to do that?" Eric was completely oblivious to his complaints as he held his side from the pain of snickering.
"Oh god, oh god. Can't. Breathe. You're such. A Jew." His sentences were brief and interrupted by intakes of breath.
"What does me being a Jew have to do with this?" Kyle asked angrily. He had always hated Eric, but could never explain why he was still friends with him.
"Let's go, let's go," Cartman said, calming down from his high.
"Blue 42, hike!"
The ball snapped back to his outstretched hands. Kyle threw his eyes up, scanning the play. Butters had been tackled by Token, Cartman was locked in struggle with Clyde. Kenny was running forward, forking to the left, towards the swing-sets. His right arm hauled back and launched forward, angling to the left. He did it! For once he put a perfect spin on the ball!
"C'mon Kenny! Catch it!" he shouted over everyone. But then he noticed that he threw the ball too hard, and that it was soaring way past where Kenny was meant to catch it. In fact, it was heading straight for a girl with black hair and—
"OW!"
"Goddamn it," he cursed to himself. "This is why I'm not quarterback." He ran over to the ball and girl it had hit. He scooped up the ball which was still lazily rocking on the grass. He looked up to her and she had turned around to face him.
"Oh! Scarlett," he said. She blankly stared at him, rubbing the back of her head. Noticing the tense quietness, he spoke up again.
"Umm, I'm, uh, sorry that I hit you with the ball. I'm not a very good, um, quarterback."
Silence in return. Her hand finally left her head. He eased a bit.
"Um, so weren't you with Wendy?" he asked her.
"Yes," she replied.
"Well, where is she? Or why aren't you with her now?"
"She's with Stan."
"Oh, so that's where he is. Thanks."
Again, silence.
"Look, I said I'm sorry, okay?" he said, somewhat angrily, somewhat awkwardly. He had no idea why he had snapped like that. It seemed to have taken control of him for a second.
"You're not a quarterback," she told him.
"Yeah, I just said that."
"I know."
"What the hell's taking so long over there?" Cartman yelled at him.
"Hurry up before the bell rings for lunch!" Kenny said.
"Umm, I'm gonna go," Kyle said to her. She slightly turned away from him. "Oh, I'm Kyle, by the way. Kyle Broflovski."
"You already know my full name, so that's done. Goodbye."
As Kyle walked away from Scarlett, he felt this overpowering sensation of awkwardness take hold of him. Part of him thought that what had just happened with her was a dream, that he had fallen asleep in class or something. But no, it had happened. From that moment, Kyle thought that Scarlett was definitely different. No one quite acted like her. She was distant, awkward in her own way, to the point. Something about her was intriguing, but what made it more compelling was that he had no idea what it was about her. She was odd, and he didn't think that she quite belonged in South Park. The things that happened in this town were weird.
But she's a weird girl, he thought.
SLAP!
"Hey, whadda hell?!" Kyle yelled angrily, holding his cheek. Eric broke out in laughter as he picked up the ball.
"The lunch bell rang. What's with you today?" Eric asked as Stan met up with them and Kenny finally caught after fixing his parka.
"I … I don't know."
~SP~
The lunchroom was like any elementary lunchroom; noisy, bustling, and smelling of good food. Okay, maybe not every lunchroom ever, but when you had a man like Chef cooking for you, you couldn't help but love the food.
However, these were not Stan's thoughts as he shuffled every couple seconds in the line with his friends. Kyle and Cartman were bitching about god-knows-what, Kenny was supporting both of them just to frustrate them, and he was standing ahead of all three of them. No, he was thinking of his parents, he was thinking of that dreadful walk home from school.
Shuffle, shuffle. Rinse, repeat.
"Yeah, but your parents are such hard-asses, Kyle," Eric said.
"No they're not. They're just fair. At least my parents have a backbone."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I'm sure you know."
"But he doesn't have a dad to do anything about it."
"Shut the hell up, Kenny. At least my mom isn't a meth addict more poor than Ethiopia."
"But your mom is a crackwhore."
"Shut the fuck up, Kyle."
"My parents at least love me."
"Would you all shut the fuck up!?" Stan burst out at them. The kids behind and in front of them all went silent. Stan couldn't care less. Cartman wouldn't let anything go. Day by day, second by fucking second he would antagonize every living thing. He would berate the ones he calls his friends, especially Kyle. And Kyle was his best friend, but why should he defend him in times like this? Kyle perpetuated this stupidity with Eric … no, no … it's not all Kyle's fault. And Kenny, of course, just stood there. Who was to blame? And it didn't even make sense, them arguing. Nothing changed. Their families wouldn't up and change, too. He was done hearing all the talk about parents. None of them were as dysfunctional as his own. His family was the fucked up one. His was the one that was falling apart. Why was he letting it eat him apart?
Why not?
"Whoa. Kyle, when did you lend Stan all that sand?" Eric asked as they—again—shuffled forward. Stan silently scoffed at him.
"Not now, fat ass," Kyle said. Kenny had returned to his silent self. Stan looked to Kyle. Within half a second they had exchanged this conversation:
Home? Kyle's eyes had asked.
Yeah, Stan had replied.
"Fine, fine. But what are we going to do about this cooking pageant? It's supposed to be done tomorrow," Cartman said.
"Well, we just need some food and cook it, right?" Kenny said, nonplussed.
"Yeah, it should be that simple," Kyle replied. Stan just listened to them, not in the mood to really talk.
"We could always ask Chef how to make a kickass meal," Kenny procured.
"Yeah! Chef always has the right answers!" Eric said with some legitimate enthusiasm. They shuffled into the serving area, Chef's black, happy face greeting them like he always did.
"Hello there, children," he said.
"Hey, Chef!" They methodically replied.
"How's it goin'?"
"Bad," they said in unison.
"Why bad?"
"Well, we have to make our meal for the cooking pageant tomorrow, but we don't know what to do for it," Kyle said.
"We were wondering if you could help us out," Stan said.
"Well, children, I can't do the cookin' for ya, but I can give you some good advice. It's all about the heart. You use the heart and the food will be good. But you need to also make it unique, make it like no one else ever made it before. And you have to get the best ingredients, not just some cheap stuff, like the woman on the wrong corner. Boys, don't ever make the mistake of buying the wrong woman in winter, you'll have some bad itc—"
"Chef! Food, not whores," Eric said.
"Hmm? What? Oh yeah. Just use the heart, a bit o' this and a bit o' that, and then make it unique. Some shazzam, and you're set."
The boys received their food from Chef. Stan thought it over in his mind, mulled it continuously. He out on a smile real quick, just for Chef.
"Thanks Chef!" he said.
"Thanks Chef!" the other three followed together.
"Have a good day, children!" he said, serving his food to the next pair of students. Each of the boys grabbed a small personal carton of milk. Stan forcefully put his on his tray, looking at it with distaste. Just like he dreaded the walk home, or the damn cooking pageant tomorrow.
He looked at that milk again.
God, I need a fucking drink.
~SP~
"Dude, what the hell are we supposed to get for our meal?" Stan asked.
"I guess we could just grab whatever and cook it?" Kenny said.
"Yeah, Chef did say just to use a bit of this and that. I mean, how hard could it be?" Kyle said.
"But Kenny's too poor to bring anything, except for maybe meth," Cartman said, answering with his own high-pitched laughter. Kenny just shot him a scowl as they continued to walk home from school. As Stan started to talk with Cartman and Kenny about different things they could do, Kyle thought about how to make his contribution unique. Well, he was Jewish, for one thing! Maybe he could add something kosher to it! He knew that mom had some extra kosher salt and hard cheese that he could use. Yeah, that would be just perfect, and it would definitely show up whatever Fat Ass would bring.
"Okay, guys. At four come to my place and we can start, sound like a plan?" Stan told them. Kenny gave a muffled reply before turning off at his house. Eventually they left Cartman at his place and then only he and his best friend remained.
~SP~
Some would say Cartman had a twisted mind, but he just saw things for what they really were. He had read some crack psychologist's report on him after the Tenorman incident by blackmailing his assistant. It said that he was psychopathic, uncaring, selfish, and dangerous. But he wasn't any of these thing. He was just following the Rules.
Cartman squinted after Kyle as he walked down the street talking to Stan. That little Jew never understood the Rules, for all his cunning and greed. That was why Cartman would always come out on top. The first Rule was: life was an agreement. It was an agreement that everyone could be killed, but in order to live, people had to pretend that killing was wrong.
Everyone abided by the rules, even the dirty Chinese man trying to trick good Americans into getting into his restaurant full of dog balls and communist poison. Cartman followed that Rules all the time, which was why he was bothering to do this stupid assignment. Everyone knew the students could fuck Garrison up, but no one wanted to, because then they'd get fucked up by every other adult in town.
Everyone abided by the rules… except for him … Scott. But if his dear half-brother wouldn't play by the rules, then neither would Cartman, oh no, Cartman would show anyone what would happen if they broke the rules. One step over the line and … bye bye, mom! Saynora, dad! Hello, chili con carne!
No one understood how fragile life was. Cartman had seen it in the cockroaches in the basement. He'd caught them and tugged at their little legs. There had been a little resistance, then POP! Off they came. The cockroaches squirmed in Cartman's pudgy fingers, but it never helped. Cartman would always imagine the faces of his classmates. Call him fat, would they? Call his mom a crackwhore? Called him stupid? Well, they would pay, each and every one of them. He knew that one day they would squirm in agony at Cartman's feet, and he would crush them like-
"Welcome home, poopikins!"
Cartman beamed up at his mom and walked into her embrace. "Mooooom!"
"How was school, dearest?" His mom bustled into the kitchen and brought out his favorite open-faced Nutella sandwich with the crust taken off.
"It was cool." Cartman said, "But Mr. Garrison was really mean and sprung this huge assignment on us."
"Oh, well, that's not fair of him." His mom said, watching her beloved son stuff the Nutella sandwich into his face. "Do you want help?"
"Yeah!" Cartman said. Kyle would try to get some kosher, just to make their project "unique." Well, Cartman would show him just how unique he could be, and get the most powerful ingredient in the entire world. "Mom, can I have some seamen?"
His mother blinked and said, "Whatever for?"
Whatever for? The last time he had tampered with seamen he had created an entire civilization! Of course, the sea people had killed each other, just as people so often did, but the sheer power in seamen…
He would have the best ingredient, and he would show Kyle just who was the best. He did a victory dance in his head, but restrained himself from saying this, instead saying to his mom, "For a school project. I told you Mr. Garrison made it really hard."
"Well, he can't expect ten year olds to be able to get their hands on seamen," His mom was muttering to himself, "I suppose he might find several uses for that, but still," Her voice trailed off. "Alright, poopie, mummy will get you your seamen. But you have to promise not to come down into the basement tonight, okay?"
Cartman frowned for a moment before hiding his discomfort and flashed his classic beam at his mom. "Thanks so much! You're the best mom ever!"
His mom hugged him, and he let the smile slip, knowing that he was only forbidden from the basement when his mom's 'friends' came over. They were the ones who didn't follow the Rules. They didn't follow the agreement. They came in the night and left just as quickly. They-
"I'm going over to Kenny's, mom. Is that okay?" He pulled away from his mom and started walking towards the door.
"Why, of course." His mom's voice faded as he slammed the door in her face. He wiped the scowl from his face and pushed the thoughts of his mom's 'friends' away to the place where his stuffed toys resided. He breathed in and breathed out, calming down to stop himself from breaking the unspoken agreement. And before he knew it, he was walking along the train tracks that ran past the dump that was Kenny's house.
"Ey! Kenny! Get your ass outta there!"
Silence greeted him while Cartman paced around the meth lab in their backyard. "Dude! Are you deaf?"
"Shut the fuck up, it's not even four!" Kenny yelled out the window.
"Oh, I'm sorry, did you have something better to do?" Cartman adopted the simpering sweet tone he knew Kenny hated, because it reminded him of the times his mom and dad tried to convince them that they were good people, and they would follow the Rules. "No, you don't. You're probably watching your dad beat up your mom. Again. So get the fuck out of there and let's go."
"Fuck off! At least my mom isn't a crackwhore starring in the latest German dungeon porn."
"Hey! She gave that shit up ages ago." Kenny wouldn't dare bring that shit up. He would fucking murder that poor-ass entitled-
"Not the last time I checked!" Kenny shouted back, "Which was last week in case you were wondering."
"One day, you will not wake up." Cartman said in a soft but deliberate voice. "No one will find you, because no one gives a fuck about poor deadbeats. But I'll know where you are, you mark my words Kenny! I will-"
"Yeah, yeah, I get it." Kenny cut off Cartman's tirade. "Just fuck off to Stan's house early if you really have nothing better to do, I'll meet you there."
He wouldn't go to Stan's house alone, not when it was only Kyle. They acted so close, when Cartman knew Kyle was just manipulating Stan's emotions. It was only natural. Stan was a pussy and easy to screw with, but Cartman would not see Kyle and Stan acting like the best of friends while they acted like he was shit on their shoe. He was so much more, but of course Kyle would never see that, because he was so fascinated with Stan.
"Keeennnny!" Cartman whined, "Let's make a deal."
Kenny didn't bother responding, which obviously meant he wanted Cartman to continue. "Y'know those cool magazines you wanted? Well, my mom might still have contacts, and can get you what you want."
"Why the fuck would I need magazines?" Kenny yelled through the window, "I can just go online."
"That's assuming you actually have a computer, Kenny." Cartman said, overjoyed to hear Kenny respond. "You know, those things rich people like my mom have."
"The only thing your mom is rich with is STDs." Kenny finally poked his head out of the window, hoping to see Cartman's reaction. But Cartman would never give Kenny that satisfaction. Taking the insult in his stride, he made a mental note to make Kenny suffer for that and said, "Let's not try and change the subject, hmm? The fact is that your family's too poor to get wifi, which means online porn is a no-no for you. But the magazines I can get you are top of the line. They'll keep you occupied for weeks."
"Not possible." Kenny said, "But fine. Just shut up on the way to Stan's house, got it?"
"Whatever you want." Cartman grinned. Kenny boosted himself out of his window and fell two stories to the ground. Cartman always hoped he'd break a leg, but he never did. Kenny pretended to be so righteous when he put on his stupid Mysterion hood and cape, but Cartman always lurked in the darkness, waiting for the great hero to fall.
That pleasant thought kept Cartman occupied for several seconds, but honestly, what were friends for if not to talk to? Kenny should be thanking Cartman for constantly trying to bring him out of his shell. "So, how's your big bro doing? Is he on meth yet?"
Kenny groaned and tightened the hood around his head. But the poor child didn't get enough sun, which was why Cartman was gracious enough to yank down Kenny's hood.
"Dude, what the fuck?" Kenny shoved Cartman away and rubbed his throat, where bruises lined his pale skin in purple polka dots and stripes. Cartman filed it away for later, snickering as Kenny yanked the hood back over his head and tugged on the strings to close the hood.
~SP~
"Stan, are things going to be okay? You know, at home?" Kyle asked. He worried lately for Stan. He showed his depression more and more often, and he still drank alcohol from time to time. They slowly approached his own house, having just left Cartman to walk into his own.
"I don't know, Kyle. I don't know if can get any worse, really," the raven-haired boy replied. They walked up to Kyle's house.
"See ya buddy. I'm sure things will get better in time. They always do," Kyle said calmly.
"I hope so," Stan said with a small smile, before waving and leaving to go to his house down the street. Kyle turned to walk up his own little cobblestone path. He opened his door and walked into his clean, tidy home.
"Mom, dad, I'm home!" Kyle yelled out, kicking off his shoes. His mother bounced in from upstairs.
"Hello my Bubala! How was school today?" she asked in her thick, Yiddish voice.
"Same as always, but we got a new student today," he told her, sitting his bag by the couch and taking a seat.
"Oh, and what's their name?" Sheila Broflovski was a very involved parent with the school, most would say.
"Her name is Scarlett Kendell. She transferred in from Denver," he explained.
"I'm glad to hear it. Denver's such a dangerous place, big city and all. A small mountain town might do her well," his mother said in all her knowledge. "So, Kyle, is she cute?" He felt his face flush suddenly.
"Geez, Mooom," he said exasperatedly.
"I'm just teasing you, Bubala. So, what are you going to do for your little cooking pageant with the boys tomorrow?" she asked. He then explained her his plan to add some kosher food to make it cultural and different. As expected, his mother loved the idea.
"Oh, and you're right. I do have some extra salt and cheese. Maybe I can get some nice cuts of beef for you, too," she said excitedly.
After a bit of time had passed, there was a knock on the door.
"Could you get that Kyle? I'm preparing the beef!" his mother yelled out. There was a loud methodic yell, like a HYAH! And then came a thick clunk of cleaver meeting cow flesh. Kyle skidded over to the door, opening it to see Cartman and Kenny.
"Oh, hey guys. I thought we were going to Stan's at around four?" he asked them.
"Well, I was bored, and so was Kenny. We thought we'd go early," Cartman told him. For once, Kyle didn't see a need to argue with him.
"Mom! We're heading to Stan's early, okay?" he called out.
"Okay, Sweetie! HYAH!"
"Okay, let's head over."
~SP~
"Hey, Stan!" Randy said to his son. Stan merely brushed by him with a scowl on his face, heading upstairs to drop off his school stuff. The carpet ruffled under his shoes.
"Stan? What's wrong, son?" Randy's voice trailed up after him.
He was excited to have Spring Break to get away from school, but that meant he was a week at home. Maybe he could stay at Kyle's the whole time? That would be a lot better. Maybe he and Wendy could hang out a bit, go to the pond or something. He was in this deep thought as he bumped into Shelly.
"Hey! Watch where you're going, turd," Shelly yelled at him, her words sloshed by too much saliva and too many braces.
"Fuck off," Stan replied curtly, opening his door to his bedroom.
"Excuse me!?" Shelly nearly screamed at him. He closed the door and heard something break off of it, no doubt having been aimed at his head. He chuckled for a second, wondering how his parents never noticed all the shit she broke.
"Goddamn it, now I have to walk back out there. Shit," he said to himself, noticing this problem with his perfect comeback to her. Dropping the schoolbag by his bed, he opened the door to the hallway, bracing himself for whatever. Then, things went black, stars danced in his vision, and his face rippled in pain.
"Holy shit!" he yelled, stumbling backward a bit.
"Watch how you talk to me next time, turd," Shelly told him, walking back to her own room. He rubbed his cheek as he walked back down the stairs and to the kitchen to make an afterschool snack. He wasn't very surprised to hear angry voices echoing out of the kitchen.
"Well I don't know what's wrong with him, Sharon!" Randy yelled at his wife. Stan froze just outside the kitchen for half a moment. So it was him this time. They were fighting about him.
"It's because you don't know how to spend time with him anymore. All you care about is yourself!" Sharon replied. Stan sucked in a hot breath of air and walked in, putting up his invisible armor to block all the warfare that would be surrounding him.
"You don't do anything with him either! What am I supposed to do that I haven't before!?" Randy shouted, slamming his fist on the dining table.
"You could be a better father for once," she spat vehemently.
"I've done all I can for him! Imagine how much it would hurt him to hear you talking about him like this!" Randy argued back. Stan slipped quietly past him. Sharon was slopping water around as she washed some dishes. The refrigerator door opened. Stan took a quick look. Ham, check. Cheese, check. Mayo, check. He grabbed all of this, some soda and then closed the door. Opening the drawers, he grabbed a small knife for the mayo, and then he began making his sandwich.
"Yes, and he would agree with me if he were here right now. He doesn't deserve a father that doesn't care about him," Sharon yelled.
"Well, you don't do much for him either," Randy countered.
"I just want to know what is happening to my precious boy," Sharon said, somewhat quietly. Stan noted that tears threatened to leak from her eyes.
"It just has to be a phase, not my bad parenting," Randy told her.
"No, it's been like this for so long. I'm tired of you not manning up and doing anything about it! What kind of coward did I marry?" Sharon asked him.
"What kind of woman did I marry that can't see that she's wrong, too?" Randy replied.
All the trusty, yummy ingredients were returned to the fridge. Stan pulled out a table chair as his father walked around the room, pacing and yelling. Pop! Went the coke tab. Drink, swallow. Bite, swallow.
"I'm sure he'd be happier with a different father. One that cared for him! Roy actually did things for him! Roy took notice of him, just like I do!" Sharon shrieked at Randy.
"But I didn't even like Roy," Stan said.
"Oh, don't you dare bring up that bastard's name, Sharon!" Randy threatened. He gripped the counters tightly, whitening his knuckles and fingertips.
"You don't even love Stan, do you!?" she yelled, slamming whatever plate she was cleaning back into the sink.
"Wha- wh- what?" Randy stuttered. The room's tension built higher than it ever had. On the plus side, the sandwich was pretty tasty. Drink, swallow. Bite, swallow.
"I … I don't want you here anymore Randy. Not only Stan, but Shelly is being affected to," Sharon told him.
"What about me?" Shelly's voice rang out.
"Oh, didn't see you there, baby. Leave daddy and I to talk, okay?" Sharon told her with a sweet smile. Shelly just shrugged her shoulders before leaving the room. There was a knock at the door. Was that the guys already?
"Randy, you need to leave, tonight. Or I'll call the police. This marriage has been falling apart for a while now. I'm fine with you ruining my life, but not our kids'.
"You know what? Fine. I'll leave! Just wait, you'll need me, you'll miss me!" Randy yelled at her.
Knock knock at the door.
"Who's there?" Stan remarked to himself.
"Good! We don't need you anymore," Sharon yelled.
"Fine!" Randy yelled back.
"Good!"
"Yeah!"
"Don't you tell Stan about this until later," Randy said.
"I didn't plan on it."
And just like that … they left the kitchen.
Drink, swallow. Bite, swallow. Finish.
He walked toward the door, and then felt the fist of his sister slam into his stomach, knocking the air out of him. He doubled over as fire raced through the lining of his stomach, like the acid was throwing the party of the year. He coughed and spluttered.
"Jesus Christ!" he gasped out.
"That's for ruining the family," she said. He stumbled back a bit and fell down, accepting everything.
~SP~
Stan was lying on the floor rubbing his stomach when the three boys went in. Kenny wasn't surprised. The signs had all been there as they had walked through the house. Randy had been slouching on the couch with folded arms glaring at the TV, Shelly had just slammed the door to her room and Sharon was cutting vegetables for dinner with the ferocity of a demon Kenny had recently run away from the last time he'd died.
It made Kenny feel right at home.
Cartman had probably worked it out as well, because he was one of the smartest dumbasses Kenny knew. Only Kyle was shocked, and asked, "Holy shit, dude, what happened?"
"It's nothing, dude." Stan was saying, "Have you guys got your ingredients?"
"Yeah, mine's going to be the best ingredient ever!" Cartman butted in.
"Screw the ingredients," Kyle said, "Shelly did this, didn't she?"
"I said it's nothing!" Stan shrugged off Kyle's hand on his shoulder. The gesture made Kenny narrow his eyes and wish for his purple cape and mask. With those, he was invincible, not just the South Park charity case. He beat down the urge to rip Shelly's stupid retainer from her mouth, along with a couple of teeth. That wasn't how Mysterion acted. He wasn't a thug.
"Do we even know how we're going to cook this stupid thing?" Stan changed the topic before he got in another shouting match with Kyle.
"Yeah, stew's easy!" Cartman butted in, "My mom does it all the time. Just get loads of shit and dump it in hot water."
"Not the only thing your mom does all the time." Kenny muttered. Cartman didn't hear it, but Kyle snorted.
"Fine, so all we have to do is get our ultimate ingredient." Stan said.
Kenny rolled his eyes. It would probably be something stupid like Tweek's medicine that he never took, or fur from Craig's guinea pig. Stan had a habit of being melodramatic. If he stubbed his toe he'd say the earth was taking revenge for his destruction of the environment. He always did fit in well with the Goth kids.
"Right, that's it." Cartman said, "And, as usual, I have the bestest ingredient in mind. You can all just praise me and give me your food right now, thank you very much."
"What's the ingredient, fat ass?" Kyle barked.
"Well, if you're going to take that tone with me, then I don't see any reason why I should inform you of my genius." Cartman folded his arms and tried to look down his nose at Kyle. The effect was reduced because Kyle was slightly taller than Cartman.
"Dude, just tell us or we're all gonna fail and get held back a year," Stan said.
"Fine, fine," Cartman said, "We are going to steal something from the new girl."
"What?" Kyle brow furrowed into a sharp V and he took a step towards Cartman.
"You heard me," Cartman said, "She had a cool looking necklace, and I bet if we dissolve it, it'll be edible."
"We're not stealing anything!" Kyle said, "How would you feel if someone stole your XBox?"
"Well, no one's going to steal my XBox because only fags get stuff stolen!" Cartman said, "Listen to your inner Jew! It's just crying out to get some fast cash!"
"Fuck you, Cartman!" Kyle said, "You're the one who stole money from old people selling useless jewelry."
"Guys, can we just get the stupid ingredient?" Stan said. Both of his forefingers were massaging his temple and his eyes were scrunched tight. If Kenny didn't know better, he'd think Stan was hungover. He acted like he just wanted to curl up in the corner.
"But this is stealing!" Kyle said, "We can't just-"
"Look, it's just a stupid necklace." Stan said, "We steal it, and it's over. It's probably something cheap her mom gave her for her last birthday."
"But, Stan!" Kyle started arguing with Stan while Cartman's plump face widened with a sneer. Kenny was pretty sure Kyle was more upset about Stan taking Cartman's side than actually stealing.
"Fine, fine," Kyle threw his hands up in the air. "But just this once, okay?"
"Of course, Kyle." Cartman drew out Kyle's name because he knew Kyle hated it when he did that. Cartman never knew when to stop. It was probably why he had actually ended up killing Kenny a few times.
But Kyle seemed spent from disagreeing with Stan and just flipped Cartman off before walking out the door. The four of them passed by the living room where Randy was still diligently staring through the TV.
~SP~
"Scarlett! So nice of you to join us!" Cartman smiled angelically at her as she opened the door just enough for the boys to see her face.
"What is it?" she asked. "You called me. You wanted to talk. We're here now. Let's talk."
"Well, with you being new in town, we were wondering if you'd like to be in our group for Garrison's project." Cartman said, "We'd love to know you better."
Scarlett's eyes settled on Kyle for a moment before turning back to Cartman. "I'm good, thanks." She started to close the door but Cartman swiftly jammed his foot between the door and its frame.
"Wait! The thing is, we need five people for our group, and we really need you." Cartman looked away and his lower lip trembled. He slouched and stuffed his hands in his pockets, doing his best to seem demure.
Scarlett frowned before saying, "It sucks, but I still can't help you."
Kenny was impressed. The girl wasn't even arguing or giving reasons, nothing Cartman could grab onto and manipulate. Even though Cartman's plan hinged on becoming temporary friends with Scarlett, Kenny hoped she wouldn't give in.
"But why?" Cartman sniffed pitifully. "My mom's super mean! If I fail this, she'll hit me. Do you want that? Huh?"
"I can ask my dad to take out your mom if she's abusive." Kenny's eyebrows shot up as he regarded Scarlett in a new light. It didn't look like she was joking. Cartman realized this too, and he quickly backpedaled. "Uh, no, that's okay! She's alright, seriously!"
"Okay." Scarlett kicked Cartman's foot out of the way and slammed the door in his face. Kenny started laughing, glad that someone wasn't taking Cartman's bullshit. To his disappointment, Cartman didn't look outraged. Instead, Kenny saw the smile Cartman had gotten before he handed out answers to a test Garrison would give the next day.
"Well, time to move onto phase two." he said.
"What do you mean, that was a total failure." Kyle said, "I told you it was a stupid idea, now let's go."
"Oh, but didn't any of you notice?" Cartman said, "Our dear Scarlett wasn't wearing her necklace, was she? I guess it's not that important to her after all."
"Dude, this is breaking and entering!" Kyle said.
"C'mon, don't be a pussy like Stan." Cartman said, "We've done way cooler stuff than this." He started edging around the house, beady eyes trying to probe their way in. They found their target in an open window on the second floor. Cartman pointed up to the window and said, "Kenny, go up there and get the necklace."
"Why me?" Kenny asked. It was always this way. Cartman always got him to do stupid shit, but there was no way Kenny was playing along.
"Because you're the skinniest, so you can fit through." Cartman said, "Besides, don't you climb lots of buildings as Mysterion? Or was that all just bullshit like I thought?" The unspoken challenge hung in the air.
Goddammit, Kenny thought, as he turned towards the window. Mysterion was sacred territory. No one dissed Mysterion and Cartman knew it. Cursing Cartman and his manipulative mind, Kenny scaled the drainpipe and shimmied through the window Cartman pointed out. He tumbled into a shower cubicle that was still damp from use. Treading as lightly as he did whenever his dad was drunk, Kenny glided through the doorway and across the second floor.
The entire house was silent, and Kenny opened the first door he came to. It was obviously Scarlett's parents' room, but it was deserted. The bed was perfectly made, but dust lined the entire room. There was a single faded photo on the dresser of a five year old Scarlett scowling at a camera while a tall man in a suit smiled, his hand on top of Scarlett's head.
Kenny thought of his own family and tried to remember the last time his dad had touched him affectionately. He couldn't. Shaking his head slightly, he ducked out of Scarlett's parents' room and went to the next room. This was Scarlett's, though Kenny could only tell because her schoolbag was lying on the bed. The walls were recently painted over and two cardboard boxes were stacked in the corner of the room. The doors to a brand new cupboard were upon, revealing a small stack of clothing.
Kenny walked over to a desk with color pencils arranged by color on one side, and sheets of paper on the other. Scarlett's necklace lay between them, the ruby winked at Kenny and he snatched it up before he started having any doubts. Scarlett didn't need it. The house was well furnished, and she'd get by.
Before Kenny gave into temptation and tried to pawn it for quick money, he stuffed it in his hoodie pocket and quickly made his way to the door, only to hear soft footsteps approaching. Alarmed, he threw himself behind the door as it swung upon and Scarlett entered. Kenny hid behind the cupboard as Scarlett started grabbing clothes out of it. Kenny was about to sidle out the door when Scarlett took her shirt off.
Scarlett had her back to him, and Kenny saw two huge gashes that started at the base of her neck and curved outwards past the small of her back on either side. They were a mirror image of each other. He blushed and quickly slipped out the door while Scarlett wasn't looking, practically running down the stairs. He burst through the kitchen, noting a wad of cash with a note taped to the counter.
Will be out of town for next two weeks, this should be enough to buy food while I'm gone.
Kenny stared at the money. There had to be at least a thousand dollars. Oh, the things he could buy with a thousand dollars. His hand slowly outstretched towards the wad of cash, but he clenched his fist so hard his nails drew blood from his own palm.
I will be the hero South Park needs, he had once said to Cartman. He had to stay true to that promise. It really sucked that Scarlett would never know how close she had been to granting Kenny more money than he had ever seen in his entire life. He heard her coming down the stairs and he moved to the back of the house as she sat down at the table and turned on the TV. When it looked like Scarlett would be staying there, Kenny unlocked the first floor window and lowered himself out, quietly closing it behind him.
"Yo! What took you so long?" Cartman and the others came running around, but Kenny gestured in the other direction and they ran past Scarlett's house and out onto the street. Kenny wanted to keep on running, but in seconds Cartman was panting. "Hey, guys! Wait up!"
Kenny's eyes darted around the lane, but Scarlett didn't seem to be running after them with a couple of thugs. He slowed to a walk, still replaying the moment where he had been so close to a thousand dollars. His thoughts were interrupted when Cartman punched him in the shoulder. "Hey, I'm talking to you!"
"What?"
"Did you get it?" Cartman asked. Stan and Kyle were waiting eagerly.
"Yeah." Kenny held out the necklace and thrust it into Cartman's hand. "Happy?"
"Well, looks like something's gotten up your butt," Cartman said, "What is it?"
The stupid fat ass was always way too perceptive when it was least convenient. Kenny just shrugged and said, "Nothing that hasn't been up your mom's."
Before Cartman could yell back, Stan broke in. "Okay, so we have all of our ingredients, right?"
Kenny hadn't, but it'd be easy to rustle something up. Cartman then said, "Uh, we need to wait a little for my ingredient. It needs preparing."
"Why didn't you say this earlier?" Kyle asked in exasperation, "How long do you need?"
"Uh, let's meet at Stan's place at nine." Cartman said, "I'll definitely have it done by then."
Kyle squinted suspiciously at Cartman, but Stan lay a hand on his shoulder and tugged him back to Stan's house. Cartman turned to Kenny and muttered, "Fags."
Kenny didn't take any notice and said, "I still gotta get my stuff. I'll meet you at Stan's place at nine." He started to walk away before adding, "And don't come and get me, I'll go there myself this time."
~SP~
"Okay, so I've got my ingredients," Kyle placed a plastic bag on Stan's kitchen counter, "Stan's is here." He held up a bottle of Jack Daniels at arm's length like it was toxic waste. "What's yours?"
"Salt and meat." Kenny said. In one hand he held the remnants of a shattered meth crystal, and in the other he held guts of a rat that had been chewing on his clothes for the past week. He had gotten lucky and kicked it across the room, then strangled it before it could run off.
"Okay, so all we need to do is wait for-" Kyle was cut off as the door banged open. Sharon didn't bother to open the bedroom door, but her shrill voice made Stan flinch a floor down.
"Man, your mom is a real bitch," Cartman smirked, "No wonder your dad dumped her."
"If I hear one more word from your goddamn mouth, Cartman," Kyle said, but Stan just shrugged. "What's your ingredient?"
"I will have you losers know, that I have gotten my hands on the most powerful ingredient in the world: seamen!" Cartman proudly presented a gallon jug of seamen that was almost full. Kenny lost it and writhed on the ground laughing. Holy shit Cartman was stupid. No wonder he couldn't bring it in until now, his mom must've been working overtime to get that much.
Stan and Kyle looked at each other and Kyle shrugged. "I guess we need something to cook the stew in."
Cartman nodded. "Exactly, and it's only fitting that the best ingredient is the fuel for the entire stew!" He poured as much of the seamen as he could into a pot and started boiling it. Kyle put in his kosher beef, hard cheese, and salt. Stan poured in a liberal amount of Jack Daniels into the mixture, and Kenny sprinkled meth and plonked rat guts into the whole thing.
Cartman stirred the stew around for a few minutes, then reverently brought out Scarlett's necklace. "And now for our final ingredient." The ruby at the end of the golden chain seemed to twinkle in the lamplight of Stan's kitchen before being dropped into the concoction.
"Soon, my friends, we will have combined riches, blood and energy with the most powerful seed of all time." Cartman said, "The corpses of thousands of sea people will soon engulf the entirety of South Park!" He beamed down at his three friends who couldn't help but stare avidly at what they were cooking.
The stew simmered into the night.
Post Note:
Lucenthia: Okay, hope you enjoyed it.
TorNathan: Um ... Of course we hoped they enjoyed it, but don't you have anything to say about what in the hell just happened?
Lucenthia: You mean boiling a jug of semen? Or just everything?
TorNathan: Oh, you know. Cooking a jug of semen is casual. I was thinking about the ... Nevermind, it's not casual. This is going to be one fucked up story, folks.
TorNathan: Well, anyway, it's a great feeling to get this story out there! I'm really happy about this moment. But, as for our updating schedule, Lucenthia can fill you in.
Lucenthia: Isn't it whenever we feel like it?
TorNathan: Pretty much, yeah. But we're not going to make you wait months in between chapters like I do to my poor readers on the other stories.
Lucenthia: Well, let's not make promises we might not be able to keep.
TorNathan: Says you.
TorNathan: Anyway, hope you enjoyed chapter one! We'll see you next time! Buh bye!
Lucenthia: Bye!
We really do hope that you enjoyed the first ever chapter of out South Park story! If there is anything you'd like to say, leave your criticisms and thoughts down in the review box below! We'll definitely take into account everything you have to say! This is going to be a great adventure for both us and all you readers! Again, we hope to not offend you with what is to come, but that may be the case. Remember this is a satire comedy, and should not be taken super seriously. Take it for what it is, a story. Until next time, happy reading!
TorNathan
Lucenthia