Thanks for the Imagery, Spencer!, a psych fanfic

And Thanks for the Imagery, Spencer!

A Psych fanfic based off the episode "The Polarized Express." Also, because I LIKE the idea and it's MY fanfic, this is definite Karlton territory, because I really, really think she would be a good match for him, and I never thought Kirsten Nelson got enough screen time. You don't like the idea of that pairing, don't read it. Simplement, non?

DISCLAIMER: Don't own them or anything Psych related, and that's a damn shame, because I could have so much fun. Enjoying this little foray back into fanfic…

It was between Christmas and New Year's, and thankfully, the insidious underbelly of Santa Barbara was remaining relatively quiet, which was good, because many officers had gone out of town for the holidays, including one Detective Juliet O'Hara. It was December 28th and the new year was about to come in, brand spanking new. Shawn Spencer was silently congratulating himself on getting Czorsky arrested, but looking around quickly for Tony Cox dressed as Paul Bunyan. Or Kareem Abdul Jabar…or a Keebler elf to throw up some snarky remark that Shawn's "I, Spartacus" moment wouldn't have been needed if he would have kept his damn ass out of that office. /Suck it! That's exactly what I'd say you churro-grabbing douche nozzle!/

Shawn Spencer suddenly wished he could slap his SuperEgo like a three-year-old in Costco. He looked around the station and grinned. No metal bars, no Lassie in a monocle-nope, there he was, Lassie-face sitting there at his desk, grumpy as ever. Juliet was here instead of Miami (Well, not at the moment. Right now, she was visiting her family in Miami). Not that she hadn't looked completely spectacular in his dream as a Heather Locklear lookalike; his dad was no longer Nick Nolte on a bender, and the Chief was no longer Lassie's…./Let's not go there!/ Still, that had been weirdest part of the Lassie-as-Chief bit of his dream…the Chief as a German accent wielding dominatrix. /I will not be watching Austin Powers for a while./

"Shawn? Did you take my second churro? Shawn?!"

"Ow!" Shawn rubbed the back of his head as an annoyed Gus held up an empty churro wrapper and glared at him. He sighed. "Gus, don't be the Beverly Ann character on the Facts of Life."

"Shawn," Gus snarked, "That makes no sense and quit stealing my damn churro!" He snatched Shawn's half-eaten churro out of his hands. "Hey!"

"Suck it Shawn!" He bit into Mexican deliciousness.

"You suck it!" He grabbed a chip and dunked it in quasi. "Anyway, Czorsky's going to jail. Now on to more important stuff." Shawn leaned forward. "I had the craziest dream before all this got cleared up."

Gus sighed, feeling put upon as usual. "Shawn, I do not need to hear about your fantasies involving Juliet in the Princess Leia bikini."

"Gus-" Shawn stopped at that thought sunk in.

"Shawn? Shawn!" His hair gel-laden friend came back to Earth. "Huh?"

"Your dream?" Gus took another bite of HIS churro. Shawn shook his head. "Oh, right! Well, first of all, Tony Cox is my SuperEgo-"

"Shawn, Tony Cox is not your SuperEgo. That's because you just watched Bad Santa fifty times last week."

"I've heard it both ways. Anyway, Tony Cox, who can and does resemble Paul Bunyan when dressed correctly-"

/Suck it, you asshat!/ Shawn would have to do something about Tony Cox in his head. "Anyway, he basically showed me how much life would suck for everybody if I had never come back to Santa Barbara." He clapped his best friend on the back. "You're welcome, buddy!"

Gus glared at him. "Shawn, my life did not suck before you came back."

"I've heard it both ways. Anyway, here's my dream."

Two hours later….

Gus held up his hand. "So lemme get this straight. I was married to Rudy Huxtable?" Shawn shook his head. "Not Rudy. A grown up Keisha Knight Pulliam."

"And I had an alcoholic mother-in-law and a son who hated me? My life sucked that much?"

"Yeah. A lot!"

"And Juliet was still back in Miami and NOT a detective?"

Shawn nodded. "Yes. Which was not good, except that it did remind me of how hot Heather Locklear was on TJ Hooker."

Gus nodded. "You know that's right, son!" Two sets of eyes glazed over for a second. Gus took another bite of his churro. "And your dad?"

"Made Nick Nolte look like a fine upstanding citizen."

"Damn." Gus swatted Shawn's hand away from his chips and guacamole. "Did anybody have it good?"

Shawn leaned forward. "Man, that was the weirdest. LASSIE was the chief of police, but like an evil genius. Or evil Lassiter with a monocle."

"Lassie? CARLTON Lassiter!"

"Yup!"

"But Chief Vick-"

Shawn paused." Uh…umm…yeah." His eyes glazed over and he got quiet. "Shawn? Shawn!" Gus stared at Shawn's empty expression. "Oh God! She was dead! Chief was dead-"

Shawn broke out of his stupor. "What? No!"

"But you said Lassiter was Chief of Police in your dreams-"

"Why Spencer! I had no idea your dreams held me in such high regard." Startled, the best friends looked up at a scowling Carlton Lassiter. "Jeez Lassie!" Shawn glared at him. "Didn't your mother teach you not to sneak up on people?"

"When people are talking about me, Mother Lassiter said to find out what they're saying and get revenge." He smiled genially. Gus stared at him. "Lassie, you need Jesus." Lassiter shrugged. Shawn grabbed his arm. "But Lassie, it was in my dream that if I had never come back to Santa Barbara-"

"No, that's my dream."

Gus yanked him down to a chair. "Lassie, listen, you're the only one in Shawn's dream who ends up with a good life."

Lassiter's blue eyes gave a laser glare. "Yes, because you two idiots weren't here-"

"Now, Lassie, I'm beginning to think you don't like us." Shawn threw a chip and caught it in his mouth.

"Spencer-"

"Lassie, in my dream, YOU were the Chief, man. And running this place like some really weird supervillan place."

Gus leaned forward. "Like the Legion of Doom on Superfriends?"

Shawn shook his head. "No. There was no Braniac or Lex Luthor. But McNab did resemble Black Manta without the helmet, though."

"Really?"

"Shut it, Guster!" Lassiter interrupted Gus. "Hold up, Spencer. You had a dream about how everyone would be if you hadn't returned and you dreamed something GOOD for me?" Shawn shook his head. "Yeah, it's crazy to me too. But you were the chief man. Chief of Police!"

Lassiter sat back. "I'm almost touched, Spencer." He suddenly remembered something. "Wait! If I was the Chief, where was-"

"Chief? Uh..yeah." Shawn got quiet. Gus stared at him. "Shawn, why are you turning so red? And you said Vick wa-"

"Oh my God! I killed Karen to be Chief!?" Lassiter sounded horrified. Shawn snapped out of a rather-interesting daydream involving black leather, a German accent, and a riding crop. "What? No!" He threw his hands up. "What is it with you and Gus? Couldn't Chiefie just be like….a hippie earth mama if she wasn't chief?"

Lassiter raised his eyebrow. "I'm also the father of Iris in your dream?" The man actually sounded pleased by that idea, weirding Shawn and Gus out until they remembered he had been there with Karen Vick in the delivery room, he had cut the cord, and as appreciation for staying with her while she was a raving bitch (Karen's words-no one actually had the cajones to actually say that), she had given Iris the middle name of Charlotte. Shawn shook his head. "Sorry Lassie, no. But the image of Chief as the mother of your child-"

"Spencer-"

Gus redirected Shawn before Lassie attempted to kill him. "The Chief? In your dream? You said Lassie was Chief of Police, so Chief was-"

Shawn leaned forward. "Lassie, she was your-assistant. Your…" he took a breath, "black leather clad, sexy German accent assistant." Gus rolled his eyes. "Shawn, that's not Chief Vick in your dream. That's your weird and sick crush on Frau Farbissina in Austin Powers-"

"I've heard it both ways."

Lassiter stared at him as he processed Shawn Spencer's description. "Karen Vick-my assis-she was wearing black leath-she was German?"

Shawn rolled his eyes. "Shut up Lassie. Anyways, Chief in my dreams would announce your presence, looking…" Shawn got that glazed look on his face again. He turned to stare at Lassiter and Gus. "Think the Baroness from G.I. Joe circa 1982-1985."

Both Lassiter and Gus swallowed hard. Gus exhaled. "Yes indeed, son." Lassie didn't say a damn thing. Shawn leaned forward. "Uh, Lassie? You okay there?"

Carlton Lassiter exhaled slowly. "Fine. Please continue." His voice was a slightly higher octave than usual.

Shawn shrugged. "Dude, I don't know what your kink is, but after she announced you, you said, 'Thank you, Frau Vick-"

Lassiter grew annoyed. "Spencer, how is that a kink?"

"Annnnnnddddd then you…slapped her ass-"

"Excuse me?" Carlton Lassiter's eyes were wide. Gus looked positively stunned. Somewhere, Carlton found his voice. "Sl-I slapped-"

"With a riding crop."

Gus suddenly looked nervous. "Shawn-"

Lassiter was still gaping like a fish, trying to get words out. "A riding-"

"She squealed. Excitedly."

"Shawn-"

Carlton finally managed to get control of his voice. "I slapped Karen's ass with a riding crop and she LIKED it?!" His eyes started glazing over. "So, she didn't smack the hell out of me when I-"

"Smacked her ass with a riding crop," Shawn provided helpfully. Lassiter swallowed, biting his lip. "And she-"

"Squealed like a little girl getting her Christmas pony."

Gus kept staring in the other direction. "Shawn, Lassie, I don't think-"

Shawn shrugged. "Lassie, I told you, you had a weird kink."

"Spencer," Lassiter glared at him. "How do you know it wasn't HER kink?" Silence. Both of them looked at the ceiling as the image of a leather clad, riding crop wielding, giggly Karen Vick lodged in their brain cells.

Tony Cox's voice rang out in Shawn's mind. /Son, you and Lassiter have issues./ A pause. /But, damn. Now…so do I! Isn't your boss divorced?/

"Shawn! Lassie!"

"What is it, Guster?" Lassiter almost seemed annoyed to be pulled away from this particular train of thought. Gus nodded as a very annoyed Chief of Police Karen Vick marched up to them. She stared them down. "Carlton, when I ask you to come to my office, it's not a request." Her blazing hazel eyes turned on the Dynamic Duo. "My head detective is supposed to be WORKING and the two of you are NOT supposed to be here…unless you have a death wish." Shawn, Gus, and Lassiter's jaws dropped. Karen Vick was…not dressed for police work. Instead of her usual elegant business suit, she was in a strappy black cocktail dress-a very formfitting strappy cocktail dress that showcased her-assets nicely. One black leather stiletto clad tapping foot got their attention up to her /Damn!/ Shawn could practically here all three of their inner voices…and Tony Cox's. No, move up to her eyes. Settle above her neck. Better. And she was…annoyed would be putting it mildly.

Karen Vick rolled her eyes. "For the fifth time, would you three kindly get into my office? NOW!" Her slightly raised voice prompted them into action, slack-jawed. "Yes ma'am!""

Vick's office door slammed and she stalked to her desk. She opened her mouth to speak-until she noticed all three men were staring at her in…awe? "What? What the hell is wrong with you?" She really did not have time for this. "Why do you three keep staring at me? Is my dress slipping? What?" Was Lassiter blushing? Guster seemed to be about to have a seizure. And Spencer-oh, he always looked like he was tuning people out.

Lassiter finally managed to spit it out and quit gaping like a fish. "Chief, ah-yeah, Karen, umm-" Karen rolled her eyes. "WHAT Carlton?" Shawn Spencer of all people finally spoke up. "Chief, you just….ah, you just…look like….a woman, Chief." At her raised eyebrow, Mr. Guster began babbling. "Uh, what Shawn means is, Chief Vick, is not that you don't always look like a woman-" Karen's eyebrow went up higher as Gus babbled on, as Carlton and Shawn kept trying to shut him up. "Just, uh…huh…please don't stare at me. It makes me nervous."

Carlton jumped in. "Just like, um, well…your legs and well, your…that is, you usually don't show so much, um-" His hands kept making gestures that if Karen didn't know any better, she would say resembled a woman's form. "Oh!" She looked down at her outfit. Admittedly, it wasn't her typical office wear, but really, they were acting like twelve-year-olds. Especially Carlton.

"Sorry! Yes, the mayor's office was having a holiday cocktail reception for Christmas, and I had to go. Something about representing SBPD." She sighed. "Which brings me to why I called you in here, Detective." She rolled her eyes. "And now, I guess you too." She sat on her desk, crossing on leg over the other. Shawn looked over at Lassiter.../Oh man! He's staring at her legs./ He looked over again, nudging Gus. /Yeah. He's staring at her…damn Chief Vick! What were you hiding under those suits?/ Shawn's eyes dropped to the Chief's legs. /Just…damn./ He could understand Lassie's staring. And Gus's. And Tony Cox's…if he were actually there as opposed to being just in Shawn's head. /Suck it! I'm here! And Lawd have mercy!/

Karen Vick either didn't notice or chose not to. "Detective, Mr. Spencer, Mr. Guster, there was a murder at the mayor's residence." That got through to Lassiter. Carlton stood up. "Well dammit, why are we-"

"Sit down, Carlton. We are still here because the mayor asked me to keep it quiet and QUIETLY send my officers to investigate ah…." Karen bit her lip. Now she looked decidedly embarrassed. "Chief?" Karen looked as though she were trying to figure out how to phrase things. She finally took a breath. "Well, I was talking with the mayor and we heard a huge crash from upstairs. And, we walked up to find the secretary to the Deputy Mayor's replacement-"

Shawn interrupted, "The Deputy Mayor has a replacement? Huh! How's that done? Do they, like draw straws?"

"Mr. Spencer!" Karen Vick was rapidly losing patience.

"Ow!" was Shawn Spencer's reply as Carlton Lassiter and Burton Guster both whapped him on the back of the head. Carlton looked at Karen. "Continue Chief."

Karen glared at Shawn before continuing. "The secretary's replacement, who, according to the mayor, is very good at looking good."

Gus nodded. "So she wasn't hired for typing skills."

"No, Mr. Guster. Apparently she was hired for her acrobatic skills by the Deputy Mayor, which is why she's apparently dead. This is apparently the murder weapon." She slapped down…a riding crop, holding it with a handkerchief to not mess up any prints. Three pairs of eyes widened and Carlton Lassiter suddenly forgot how to breathe. "The murder-Karen, that's a riding crop." His voice went up an octave. She smirked. "Very good, Carlton. Apparently bendy enough to strangle. So let's move it, get down to Woody, get back to the mayor's residence, and try…to spare the mayoral office as much embarrassment as possible. Oh-" She bent over across her desk, grabbing a post it and writing something down. Shawn and Gus looked over as Carlton Lassiter inhaled sharply, her behind at his eye level. Carlton Lassiter was shifting uncomfortably in his chair. All three men tilted their heads to the side.

Karen straightened back up, shoving the post it in Shawn's hand. "Mr. Spencer, Mr. Guster, the mayor gave me the address of the dead girl. Cops are headed there now. You two see what you can find. Carlton, let's get down to interrogation and question the Deputy Mayor about his…" they could have sworn she blushed. And Karen Vick blushing was…odd. She finally got out the word. "Activities." Carlton Lassiter straightened his tie, fidgeting uncomfortably in his chair. "Be right there Chief." She was already out the door. "NOW, Detective."

All three men still sat there. Carlton Lassiter exhaled slowly. Gus looked at Shawn. "You know I can never look at Chief Vick in the same way again, right Shawn?" Shawn nodded. "Who knew Chief was a secret sexy bombshell-"

"Shawn, shut it! She is the Chief, she is the boss, she-"

"Has an ass that makes a grown man want to fall down and worship it." Shawn and Gus lost whatever words they were going to say, turning wide-eyed to look at Lassie, who was staring into space. "Uh…Lassie?"

Carlton Lassiter stood up, loosening his tie. "Need to get down to interrogation." His walk was decidedly stiff. He quickly caught up with Karen Vick. Shawn grinned. "Gus, look! Lassie is walking slightly behind Vick." He snickered. "Who knew uptight Lassie was harboring secret fantasies about Chiefie-ow!" He glared at Gus. "What was that for?"

"Shawn, I will never be able to look the chief in the eye again." Shawn grinned. "Neither will Lassie! Definitely not in the eyes!"

Gus nodded. "You know that's right." Fist bump.