"Fandemonium"
SCENE 1. EXTERIOR. STREET.
[ASHLEY walks along]
ASHLEY: Planet Earth. This is where I was born. For the first 26 year---oh, I mean, 19 years of my life, nothing happened. Then I watched a show called "Doctor Who" about a man who could change his face---thank goodness, he was old for a long time! He took me away in his time machine…well, I wished he would, anyway! I'd stay with him forever, if only he were real. Then I went to England to sneak onto the set. And that's how it all started….
[ASHLEY walks along the street and comes across a police box and steps on a key]
ASHLEY: [picks up key, and laughs] [sarcastically, not pretending] Oh, gee, I wonder if this is the key to the real TARDIS! Haha! [opens door of police box and goes in]
[shot of her coming in, head down, giggling. Dark, then suddenly, the lights come up. She turns around, slowly, wonder growing on her face. Happy, wide face. Pumps arm "Yes!" and then jumps up and down in place. Grins and runs down hall.]
[turns and motions for the camera to follow her. It does. Follows Ashley through the halls, including a room where a girl is sitting with a baby, into the console room. She is very excited and skips and laughs. Runs into the bedroom, into the bathroom with a separate toilet room]
ASHLEY: Oh, it's so British!
[goes into closet, jumps up and down happily]
[montage of trying on different outfits.]
[cut to shot of the DOCTOR entering the TARDIS]
[ASHLEY puts on her coat again, then hears the dematerialization sound. Squeals and runs out to the door to the bedroom. Peers out---SHOCK, DELIGHT and HAPPINESS]
[DOCTOR fiddles with the consol controls.]
[ASHLEY goes and sits at the bar, head on hand.]
[DOCTOR fiddles with the console, then feels eyes looking at him. Turns around and finds ASHLEY. She smiles.]
DOCTOR: Oi, who are you? How did you get in here? You're not a fangirl, are you? I've already had to deal with one before…
ASHLEY: Does it matter how I got here? I am your biggest fan---I mean, your true love! This is cosmic fate! We are meant to travel the stars, the galaxy, the universe of time and space---together! You'll never be alone ever again!! [spins around and falls on the floor]
DOCTOR: [leans over the bar.] If you're my true love, I'd rather be alone!
[DW commercial logo and music]
[shot of ASHLEY on the ground, arms around the DOCTOR'S ankles. Is dragged]
ASHLEY: pleeeeeeeaaaaase, Doctor! Let me come with you, pleeeaase! I love you!!
DOCTOR: Oh, alright, if it'll keep you from crying all over the floor. I just got it waxed.
ALTERNATE
ASHLEY: pleeeeeeeaaaaase, Doctor! Let me come with you, pleeeaase! I love you!!
DOCTOR: no!
ASHLEY: You have to!
DOCTOR: No!
ASHLEY: actually you are legally obligated to let me come with you, because I wrote this script as a humorous take on fangirls---I mean, on author inserts and therefore get to do whatever I want, including going on adventures with you!
DOCTOR: Oh, fine. Stupid fan fiction. At least you're not writing yourself in as a hitherto unknown last of the time LADIES.
ASHLEY: eh, been there, done that. This is funnier.
[DW music]
SCENE 2
[cut to Ashley in a room]
ASHLEY: Doctor, how do you explain this? [moves aside to the girl with a baby.]
GIRL: Excuze am oui?
DOCTOR: Oh, not her again! She's nuttier than you---she thinks that's my kid!
ASHLEY: well, is it?
DOCTOR: No! I may be pretty marvelous but I ain't no Jack Harkness. Besides, it's a doll.
CREDITS
SCENE 3
GIRL WITH BABY: [crying] It's ok, baby. Daddy loves you. [sobs]