I was listening to "Goodnight Demon-Slayer by Voltaire when the idea for this little fanfic came to mind. It is relatively short and I jammed it out in one draft. This has absolutely nothing to do with any of my other stories.
Warnings: Angst, Unrequited Destiel. One-shot.
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He jerked violently out of his sleep, struggling to sit straight upright as soon as his eyes opened because apparently humans were not actually able to do that like in the movies. He always came out of sleep in this manner, not quite used to it even after years of trying. He always slept so lightly, and the slightest noise had him wide awake. That was the case tonight, just a whimper in the dark to put him on guard for the rest of the night.
He sighed, crawling out of bed and stepping into a pair of bedroom slippers. His feet and hands were always cold these days. His best guess would estimate him somewhere in his early 40s in human years. Castiel ran a hand through his messy dark hair, pausing to relieve an itch before making his way out of his bedroom and down the hall. He passed the bathroom and stopped at the door following that one, pausing at the threshold before cracking the door open a bit to listen.
"Cas?" A small voice called from inside. Awake again. The former-angel gave up sneaking about quietly and pushed the door open, stepping into the room dimly lit with a Sesame Street nightlight.
"Yeah, I'm up." He crossed the room and sat down at the edge of the bed, taking care not to sit on top of the little feet that came closer to meeting the foot board everyday.
"Did I wake you?" That same small voice requested in concern.
"It's alright. You sounded like you were having some trouble." Cas's gravelly voice assured.
"I had a nightmare."
The lamp on the nightstand clicked on and the small voice came from a child, a little boy no older than five or six, with green eyes and brown hair. He sat up to address the man sitting across from him.
"Oh? What about, may I ask?" The older of the two humored the child.
"There was a monster in my closet, one that smelled like egg and had scary eyes." The little boy was anxious now, documenting his bad dream to the only person that seemed to care.
"Scary eyes, huh? You have no idea how many times I've heard that before." Cas fought a smile, not wanting the kid to think he was being laughed at.
"I know, nightmares run in the family. But I'm little and mine scare me. Can you check my closet one more time?" His pupils were dilated and his eyes were still wide with fear.
"Bobby, I've checked your closet so many times already. I promise nothing is in there." The man approaching middle age stood up and crossed the room, pulling the closet door open to prove his point. He motioned his free hand toward the space holding only the boy's clothes, shoes, and some carved wooden boxes.
"What about under my bed?" Little Bobby pointed toward the floor, not daring to lean over the edge lest a harpie with folded wings be lurking on the floor.
"Nothing can fit under there. There's about two inches of space between your frame and the floor." Came a soothing reply.
"Are you sure?" The kid sounded skeptical.
Cas sat back down, this time closer to the child now that his feet were out of the way.
"I'm sure. Why on Earth would a monster be foolish enough to come and eat you? You didn't take a bath last night so you'd taste like dust." He nudged the child gently, as if waiting for a laugh at the punchline of a joke.
Bobby smiled but was unconvinced.
"Look, your dad made sure that no monsters would ever get to you. I trust him, don't you?" Cas exhaled at the end of this, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees.
"My dad sounds so brave. I wish I was more like him." Bobby sighed, defeated.
"You are like him, so much like him that it worries me. I'm sure he was scared sometimes, too. It's only natural to be afraid. Being brave is doing what you have to do even when it scares you. Your dad was brave, not fearless."
"How did he get so brave?" Bobby asked, scooting toward Cas a bit more, listening.
"Well, when he was a little younger than you, his mom told him that angels were watching over him. He didn't know it at the time, but it was 100% true. I know this for a fact." Cas smiled now, in fond recollection of his best friend and the struggles he always had with faith.
"Are angels watching over me?" Bobby asked, child-like wonder in his eyes.
"Do you think so?"
"I don't know, but I think my dad is." The little boy smiled and nodded to himself.
"You do?"
"I see him a lot in my dreams. I don't remember him, but he looks like my picture of him." Bobby pointed to a framed picture of Dean right by his bed. It was one that Sam snapped when his brother wasn't expecting it. Dean was frozen in time with a beer in his hand and that 'son of a bitch' expression on his face.
"Well then you shouldn't be worried. When your dad has your back, that's a deeper devotion than any angel left. He always went out of his way to protect the people he loved."
"Like me?" Bobby was looking at the photo of Dean now.
"Like you. Monsters were scared of Dean hiding in their closets, and now the scariest creature out here is you. They'll hide if they ever come across a Winchester."
Bobby snorted a short laugh. "I guess the pair of us really are kind of scary."
"Right. So now that you know you're in good hands, its time to close your tired eyes. Uncle Sam is going to pick you up for school tomorrow." Cas reached up and tousled Bobby's hair before waiting for him to slide under his blankets.
"Goodnight, Cas."
"Goodnight, Demon Slayer." Castiel stood again and padded toward the hallway again.
"Do you miss him?" The child's question caught the man now so painfully human in his tracks. He stopped, bracing a hand on the door jam while he waited a moment to compose his thoughts into a rational answer that a small boy might understand.
"Everyday." Was his answer, before he found himself back in his bedroom, sitting in the dark. Once again his elbows rested on his knees and he leaned forward, gaze pooled on the floor without really focusing in the dark. His hands were loosely folded together and he took a breath.
(Hello Dean)
"Dean, I hope you're listening. It's been a while since I took the time to talk to you, 24 hours to be exact. I guess I've just never really gotten over the role reversal. You used to be the one to pray to me when you were afraid, or sad, or lost. Even when I didn't know what to do, you called on me and I usually answered. I know you can't answer me now, but it helps to talk because I'm certain that you can hear me if you want to.
(I prayed to you, Cas. Every night.)
"Dean, I miss you so much and time has healed all my wounds but this one. Looking back I did everything that I ever did, for you. Sometimes it wasn't what you wanted, but it was always what you needed in the end. And all I needed you to do was stay.
"Most of the time I don't know what I'm doing. In Heaven it was easy, just follow orders and don't ask questions. Until I met you. No matter how many times it hurt, you were always my choice. Even when we saved this little planet for the last time, I chose you. I chose a human life over having power in the kingdom of Heaven. I did it because we were family, and family doesn't leave family behind."
(You're not my family, Dean. I have no family.)
Castiel took a deep, trembling breath and blinked away tears that pattered against the wood floor.
"Of course, for me it was more than that and you knew it. I guess all you could do was know and log the fact that I loved you somewhere in the back of your mind only to be reflected on when you were drunk and alone. I thought telling you would make you happy. That's all I really wanted and that's why I stayed here.
(I'll watch over you...)
"It was the biggest mistake I ever made, giving up my grace."
(...just a baby in a trenchcoat.)
"I should have known that you'd leave this world as hunters do and in my human state there was nothing I could do to bring you back. I was so worthless, Dean. I watched the light fade from your eyes and in your last moments on Earth, you finally told me what I'd been waiting to hear for so many wasted years. You could have said it any time and I would have dropped everything and gone to you in every way you wanted me to.
(Love you, Cas...)
"Even a life as brutal and strong as yours was fragile in the sense that it was ripped away before it should have been, before I was ready to let you go. I see you everyday in your son. He looks more and more like you every time I look at him and he's getting so curious about you. He never asks about his mother...I don't know what to tell him about her. I don't know what you were thinking but it doesn't matter. What's done is done and you've forgiven me for worse things.
(I will find a way to redeem myself to you. I mean it, Dean.)
"I'm doing the best I can, here. I'm doing all I promised you I'd do, taking your place and being a pillar for Bobby and Sam when all I want is to swallow that bottle of pills I look at every night before bed. I just never really moved on. I'm tired all the time and I always wonder if I'm doing what's best for Bobby. He kind of just landed on me so I had to learn as I went. Sleeping is still so strange when I know I won't see you tomorrow and at work I'm always scared that this happy little life I built with the kid is going to crumble on me.
(So what, you're Thelma and I'm Louise and we're just gonna hold hands and jump off this cliff together?)
"I need you here. I'm sorry if that makes you feel bad but aside from Bobby, nothing matters to me but you. Nothing ever did. I'm alone now because I feel like nobody on this Earth could ever compare to what I still feel for you, even though you're just in my memories now. I realize it every time I lay here in the dark. It cheers me up when I think that I only have another 60 years maximum until I can see you again. It makes me pull through and I think that part of it is your way of showing me you're still here.
He sighed and pinched his eyes shut tight.
(I'm not leaving here without you.)
"Keep it warm in Heaven for me. Because it won't be too long and it's so cold down here in a way that no layer of coats could soothe."
(Dammit, Cas. We can fix this!)
"Goodnight Dean Winchester, my angel.
My Demon-Slayer, goodnight."
Castiel flattened himself onto his back, not bothering to bring himself into the proper position for sleep, legs hanging off the side of his mattress and heels resting on the floor. He slid into an uncomfortable sleep the same way he did every night, going over every single memory of the man he loved in his mind, passing the time until their paths were once again crossed...one night at a time.