Guidelines

The night before his wedding, the last thing Laxus thought he would be doing was walking home from the market with only the rolls of toilet paper that he needed back at the house. He'd always imagined, if he ever did get forced into marriage somehow, that he'd go out with a bang.

Err, bangs.

Very literal ones.

With a lot of women.

At the same time.

Be something to remember. Something to always look back on.

Then he got involved with the demon.

Sigh.

That was all out the window, of course. Because, as he had slowly come to terms with, they were in love and committed to one another and would never do something so horrible to the other. No way.

Life was complicated.

So as he walked down the street, mumbling his vows for the next morning under his breath (Mira insisted they write their own), he fought hard to act like he wasn't feeling the slight bit nervous.

Oh, but he was. Horribly so.

It wasn't so much that he doubted that he was doing the right thing by marrying Mirajane. No, it wasn't that at all. In fact, he knew that he was. Mira was the one for him. Completely and wholly. He loved her. He was so deeply in love with her that there was no way to ever get back out.

Believe him, he'd tried.

But nope. No cigar. He was marrying the she-devil. It was just the way it had to be. He-

"The hell?" Laxus growled as, suddenly, someone jumped him from behind. Easily flinging them off his back, he got ready to attack.

"Ow! Laxus!"

"L-Lisanna?" He relaxed almost immediately. "Wha- Hey!"

He was hit then, rather roughly in the shoulder. And sure enough, there was Elfman, the other male looking discouragingly at Laxus.

"A real man wouldn't hurt a little girl."

"She attacked me! And hit me again, Elfboy, and I'll-"

"I'm not a little girl," Lisanna complained from where she still sat on the sidewalk, rubbing at her head. "But that did hurt, Laxus."

"I'm sorry, kid," he sighed then, leaning down to help her up. Elfman beat him to it though, easily getting his baby sister back on her feet. "I didn't know it was- And hey; the hell you idiots think you're doing, surprising me like that?"

"We came to talk to you," Elfman told him after making sure that Lisanna was okay. "And we didn't want you to get away!"

"Why would I try and-"

"We're here to discuss Mirajane."

Laxus blinked. "Is something wrong with her?"

"Considering she's marrying you? We think so."

"Elfman," Lisanna complained, taking to crossing her arms then. "And no, Laxus. That's not it."

"Then-"

"You're marrying our big sister tomorrow," Elfman began again. "And we've kept quiet for far too long!"

"Uh, no, you haven't," Laxus said. "You bellyache about it all the time. Less like a man and more like, oh, what's the word? A boy?"

"Hey-"

"We just want to go over some ground rules," Lisanna said, glaring at him. "That's all."

"Ground rules?" He blinked. "Me and the demon have been basically livin' together for six months now, but now you wanna lay these on-"

"Number one," Lisanna began as Laxus only shook his head and started walking once more. They were quick to follow. "We come first."

"Always," Elfman agreed.

"Isn't this something you should take up with the demon herself? Or-"

"Until you guys start pooping out babies."

"Elfman," Lisanna giggled.

"What?"

"You said pooping."

"Isn't that what people say?"

"Popping," she corrected. "You pop out a baby. You don't poop it out."

"I understand the anatomy behind it, Lisanna," he complained. "But the saying is-"

"The saying is popping."

"Really? All these years and I've been saying it wrong?"

"I-"

"Would you idiots buzz off?" Laxus complained. "I'm tryin' to walk here."

"And no one's stopping you from doing that," Lisanna said. "Anyways, the point is, we can come second to your kids, but not you. Err, well, I can. Elfman's third."

"Why am I third?" he complained. "Maybe you're third."

"I'm always first, Elfman," Lisanna told him, sticking her tongue out at him, having to lean over Laxus to do so, as they were on opposite sides of the thunder mage. "It's just the way things-"

"Get to the fucking other numbers," Laxus complained. "Quickly."

"Oh, right." Lisanna giggled as Elfman took to scowling.

How come he and Lisanna weren't equal? He would be taking that up with Mirajane later!

"So next is that all holidays are spent with us."

"What holidays?"

"All holidays."

"The hell else would I spend them with?"

"Well, we don't know," Lisanna said. "But we'd like it to be known for sure that you're not whisking Mira away for any of them. Ever."

"Ever? Ever's here?"

"Focus, Elfman," his sister complained before clearing her throat. "Number five-"

"You're on three," Laxus sighed.

"Huh?"

"You're on- Never mind. Onto number five."

Lisanna nodded, grinning at him. "If you ever hurt Mirajane, we'll restrain you as she kills you."

"Hurt her?"

"Like, you know, hit her or something," Lisanna said.

"Why would I-"

"Mira does get a tad annoying sometimes," Elfman said. "But if you even so much as think about striking her, we'll help her beat the crap out of you!"

"Why do you need her help?"

Elfman only looked at him. "Mira's, like, the manliest man around. Why wouldn't we want her help?"

"Yeah, Laxus," Lisanna complained. "Use your head a little."

"Silly me."

"And," the youngest Strauss sibling went on. "We'd like for you to consider once more changing your name to Strauss and becoming our fourth sibling."

"No thanks."

"Come on," Elfman insisted. "I don't like ya none, but it we'd be an unstoppable team!"

"Don't need your help. You'd only hold me back."

"Fine," Lisanna groaned. "The next one is, obviously, that we get to name your firstborn."

"The fuck? No."

"It's a rule."

"I said no."

"But-"

"I'm going to toss you to the ground again, Lisanna."

"Fine," she sighed. "You can name your own children."

"As if I needed your damn permission."

"Hey." Elfman shoved his shoulder which about got the big dope flat on his ass. Laxus was feeling rather amiable that day.

Not to mention, he didn't want to flip out on the big goof and have Mira overreact and call off the wedding.

"Watch who you're talking to," his fiancée's brother grumbled.

"And watch who the fuck you touch," Laxus said before reminding him, "I can get Ever to do whatever the hell I please. I've told you more than once, Elfboy, that I am the last man you want to mess with."

"Anyways," Lisanna continued, not taking a hint for some reason. "The next-"

"Where is Ever anyway?" Laxus grumbled. "And Bickslow, Lisanna? Shouldn't you two be chasing after them?"

"I don't chase after Ever," Elfman complained. "Anymore."

"And Bickslow and I are on a break."

"Do what now?"

Lisanna only looked off. "We have come to a crossroads."

"Meaning?"

For a moment, Laxus thought that Lisanna wouldn't answer. And, honestly, in that moment, he was thankful, as for that brief second, he'd forgotten that he didn't give a damn.

Then she started talking.

Sigh.

"His favorite ice cream is freaking vanilla. Like, plain old vanilla! And he won't even put anything on it."

"…I'm lost," Elfman said as Laxus decided he didn't want to be found. "Why-"

"Because, Elf," she complained. "How could we ever share an ice cream cone if I can't even put sprinkles or hot fudge or anything on it? And when I brought this up, he was all like, 'That's stupid, Lisanna. I don't want you eating my ice cream anyways! Get your own. Why should I buy you anything? Huh? Huh?' And then I told him-"

"Are you guys seriously even dating?" Laxus couldn't believe he cared, but…ugh.

"Yes."

"Really? I mean-"

"Ever doesn't share her ice cream either," Elfman sighed.

"How long have you guys even been on a break?" Laxus asked.

"Um…since two hours ago."

Rolling his eyes, Laxus said, "But isn't tonight the night that you guys-"

"Make the babies all new bodies? Yeah. I'm still gonna go over and do that. But not because we're dating! Because-"

"I really don't care."

"You asked."

"My mistake."

"Oh, and hey." Elfman was animated again then, balling up his fists as he spoke. "That's not the only reason we came looking for you!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Then get to it, because I'm about home and-"

"We came to stop you from sleeping with other women!"

"…You caught me. I have a fetish for toilet paper and hot women."

"I knew it."

"Elf," Lisanna giggled.

He only glared at Laxus though. "I know how guys like you are. I know what you thought you would do with your night."

"Uh, wait for Mira to get home, sleep on the couch probably because she's been so emotional and shit recently, then get kicked out of the apartment in the morning so she could get ready or whatever. That's my plans. Oh, and take a big shit. Hence the toilet paper. I lied about the fetish."

Lisanna was about dissolved in her giggles then, but Elfman kept his glare up, not falling for it for one second.

"You know," he said stiffly. "I'm still not on board with this marriage."

"Oh, really? I'm amazed."

"This ain't no joke," the muscular man grumbled. "This is my big sister! And you're not going to-"

"You think I wanted to get married? At any point in my life?" Laxus stopped walking then, turning to glare at Elfman. "I didn't. Ever. Until I realized just how much I loved the demon. Then I knew. And I ain't fuckin' what I have with her up for nothing. So if you're gonna be like this even after we get married, then you just need to get the fuck out of our lives right now. I don't need your negativity ruining the only good thing I got going for me."

He didn't even flinch then as, once more, Lisanna jumped him from behind. It was a hug that time though and, shifting the back of toilet paper to one hand, he reached up with one hand to pat hers, which were tight around his neck.

Elfman only grunted before walking once more. "Whatever. The other rule is that you two are not allowed to form sorta rebellion against me."

Lisanna only let Laxus go before rushing out of her brother. "You'll always be my second favorite."

"Mira's your first and you're hers? This is a conspiracy."

"I meant second favorite brother. You're my third favorite sibling."

"That's not-"

"You never did say where Evergreen was," Laxus complained, walking behind them then. Anything to get them off their current topic. "Figured she and the others would be crying over me today."

'Awe," Lisanna giggled. "You upset that you're not being worshiped?"

"No," he grumbled. Well… "Just confused is all."

"She said that she had some business with Freed and Bickslow."

"About me?" Laxus asked, trying to keep the hope out of his tone.

Okay, so maybe he expected the three of them to be a little more heartbroken over their idol officially being off limits. Namely Freed.

"Nope." Elfman shook his head. "Mirajane."

"Mira?" Lisanna asked. "Bickslow didn't mention anything. Then again, we were fighting. I mean, seriously, who is against hot fudge? That's, like, the most basic of-"

"Mirajane?" Laxus repeated, coming to a stop once more. "They're with Mirajane?"

"Yeah? So?" Glancing back at him, Elfman said, "Who cares? They're just up at the bar, I'm sure."

"You idiot!" Laxus thrust the pack of toilet paper at Lisanna then before turning back.

"Wha-"

"If you dummies came here to give me a talk," he complained, running off for the guildhall, "the hell you think those dumbasses are doing?"

"This is a mighty long list here, Freed," Mira said slowly, glancing over a few of the bullet points on the piece of paper the other man had handed her. "I mean, do I really need to cut up Laxus' steak for him? I mean, we go out to eat all the time and I've never-"

"Do you want him to choke?"

"W-Well-"

"You really have to make sure you do number twelve," Ever said as she sat up at the bar next to her three team members, filing her nails while she was at it. "Ooh, and seven is a biggie."

Bickslow, who had been pouting the whole time, just kept staring down at the bar. Mira, noticing this, gave him a small smile.

"It's okay, Bickslow," she said. "Laxus and I might be getting married, but it's not that big of a deal. It-"

"It is a gigantic deal," Freed yelled at her, almost jumping up out of his seat. He was so loud, in fact, that he startled Cana just as she was tilting her barrel back, making the woman topple over and Macao rush to help her up. "It's the biggest thing to happen since…since…since ever!"

"What?" the woman complained.

"I wasn't talking to you, Ever, I was saying-"

"That's not what's wrong," Bickslow grumbled as his dolls huddled close around their master's head. His visor was down, but Mira could read just from the bottom half of his face that he was in a sour mood.

"Then what-"

"I don't like chocolate, okay? Why is that such a big deal? Huh? Huh?"

Mira just stared. "I didn't say it was. I only-"

"Bickslow!" Freed slammed his fists down on the bar.

"Please don't-" Mira tried, but the letter mage was quite wound up that day and just spoke over her.

"Today is not about you," he growled. "It is about making sure that Mira understands how valuable Laxus' life is. He is the most important soul to ever grace the earth! We are all lucky to-"

"I have a hair appointment in an hour." Ever glanced at both her male teammates before looking to Mirajane. "So just follow the list, huh? Oh, and tell your brother that we're on code blue at the wedding tomorrow."

"Code blue?" Mira frowned. "I don't understand."

"You don't need to," she said. "But he does."

"I-"

"It means that he's allowed to talk to her, but they are not going home together. No hooking up on the date either. Just making out. Maybe," Bickslow grumbled. "Blue balls. Get it?"

"Look," Ever hissed at him. "Just because you and Lisanna are on the outs-"

"This is a lot of information all at once," Mira said slowly. "And, for the record, I don't want any of you hooking up at my wedding. At all."

"That is not the information that you need to be paying attention to!" Freed was losing it. "You are to be focusing on Laxus, Mirajane. Now. And forever. For the rest of his life. It is your job to make sure that all of his needs are met when they arise. All of them, Mira. All. Of. Them."

Ever rolled her eyes. "Just for this, tell Elfman we're on code red."

"Aw, man. Code red? And I didn't even do nothin'?"

They all frowned at Elfman's voice as he came into the guildhall, Lisanna and Laxus in tow.

"This is really uncalled for, Ever," the man kept up as he came closer.

'Uncalled for? You're lucky I don't put you on code-"

"No more codes!" Freed growled as Laxus approached. The second the man was close enough, he turned to look at him. "I have provided Mirajane with a list of all the things you require for the two of you to have a happy life together."

"You what?"

Mira nodded. "It's twice the size of the one he gave me when you and I first started dating."

"Oh geez."

"Hello, Bickslow," Lisanna said then, holding her head high, all cordial and shit. Ugh. He only slowly got up from the stool. Raising his own head, he rubbed at his chest with his fist.

"Good evein', Lissy."

"Hi, Lissy!"

"Babies, please," Bickslow complained as his dolls came to circle around her head. She took to looking off.

"I've brought you our standard makeup gift." She held out the toilet paper. "On such short notice-"

"Ah! Four-ply? You shouldn't have. And to think, I am just so unprepared. I don't got nothin' on me, but I can buy you a drink if you-"

"Give me that," Laxus growled as he reached over to snatch back the package. "You freaks."

"Oy, boss," he complained. "You're messing up my big makeup scene here."

"You dopes were fighting over some damn ice cream. If it's that big of a deal, Lisanna, I'll pay for it every time you go out and you can both get your own damn cones."

"It wasn't about the jewels, Laxus," she complained. "It was- Oh, wait, hey, that's a real good deal."

"It really is," Bickslow agreed. "We go out for ice cream probably five times ever week."

"You what?" Laxus frowned at them. "Then how is this the first time you've had this fight?"

"It's not," the other man responded with a shrug. "We have it, oh, five times a week."

"Every damn time you go-"

"Quick, Bicks," Lisanna said. "Let's fight over rent so he can pay that too."

"That's so smart, Lissy. You're, like-"

"No," Laxus growled. "And why do you fight about-"

"Doy, Laxus," Lisanna said. "You can't makeup if you don't fight."

"And you can't have hot makeup sex unless you're making up, yeah?" Bickslow said with a wink and what he thought was a whisper.

It was not.

Laxus glared at him before looking to Mirajane. "You're getting off early. Now."

"Code black is far more appropriate," Elfman was saying about that time as Ever only continued fliling her nails. Once she got them how she liked, she got to her feet.

"Code orange."

"Ew, Ever," her seith teammate said, making a face as Lisanna made a gagging noise.

"What's-"

"Handy," Bickslow snickered in response to Mira's question.

"We're leaving," Laxus told Mira firmly then. Glancing around, he found Kinana and called out to her. "Mira's taking off early. Wedding stuff."

"Laxus," Mira complained, though she did head after him, giggling.

"Remember the guidelines," Freed called after them. "Mira! Laxus needs a lot of maintenance! This is serious!"

The second she was near, Laxus grabbed Mira's hand, her giggling as they fled the bar and their friends.

"Let's just elope," Laxus told her once they were free of the guildhall.

"Laxus," she giggled.

"Swear, I'll eat the costs,"

"They just love us," she said, snuggling up to his arm as they walked along.

"Yeah, well."

"And you got the toilet paper. Good boy."

Grunt. Then, glancing down at her, he saw the smile on her face and found a grin on his own to match.

"You ready for tomorrow, demon?"

"Mmmhmm. Aren't you?"

"Yeah," he sighed, leaning down to kiss her head. "I am."

"Although," she sighed. "After reading number fifteen, Laxus, I'm shocked we've made it this far in our relationship. Freed helps you blow your nose?"

He snatched the list from her before crumpling it up. "They're a bunch of idiots."

"But they're our idiots," she reminded.

"Unfortunately."

This was originally an idea for an old Natsu and Lucy fic that I never really got finished, where Natsu explains to Gray all the rules that Lucy has for them dating, but it fits just as nicely here.