the moment you cry
Pretense is an art.
Yagyuu Hiroshi wouldn't have perfected it in the field of tennis if he didn't have a master of such within his doubles partner -- or, as he thinks wryly, his "partner in crime" -- the perennial Trickster Niou Masaharu. He had long forseen that, calculated that, when the idea of them switching first came up.
But, perfecting any kind of art... actually also takes years of practice.
Yagyuu then must be an artist, for "pretense" had already hardened over time into this form that was already an indestructible mask, that it never seemed to be a mask at all for it was so natural...
..."The Gentleman" Yagyuu Hiroshi.
But it is all especially harder during mealtimes. Properness and decorum supposed to be in an educated, above middle-class Japanese family. Answer questions about your day, and as often as possible smile. Lift your voice to a tone that equals at least to cheerfulness, but make sure it doesn't sound fake. Never react if they rebuke your younger sister for not being as perfect as you. Eat your food neither too fast, nor too slow. Let father or mother chide you if there was something you did this day they think was wrong, or if you finish your food a minute later then they do. Never protest, never make unnecessary movements. Your amount of food should not be too much or too little, lest they catch that you have a problem...
...With them.
If there's any consolation, the "ultimate pretense" is within the timeframe of the meal anyway. When Yagyuu finally retires to the safety of his room, that is the only time the ultimate mask could collapse.
And collapse, it does.
He gives a big, silent sigh as he slumps on the floor and against his bed -- he can't let anyone outside his door hear it, and surely if his mother sees him now she would disapprove of him sitting on the floor because despite how too frequently disinfected it was she still believes it's "dirty"...
He glanced at the desk that held his already finished homework. What he wouldn't give to do anything else right now to distract himself... somehow he still felt bothered. And... upset? Over this mealtime, particularly -- his father had launched at him another lecture on taking on more responsibility beyond being just a regular of his tennis club. That lecture was getting frequent...
He denies to himself that he is "upset", of course. Even at this private time, he still tries to practice his mask. But if there was one thing in the world that surely "ruffles" a Yagyuu Hiroshi, it was his family.
He thinks, if his classmates and teammates see him now, they would surely laugh. That is certainly not the image of Yagyuu Hiroshi in school. The image in school they all see is actually nearest to his "natural mask" that is "The Gentleman" -- stiff, poised, polite, untouchable. Cannot be ruffled. Cannot be forced to smile.
But there was an edge to that "Gentleman" image -- a biting frankness that was bordering on sarcasm within the polite words, a smile that is actually a smirk bordering on taunting, subdued actions bordering on precise and merciless revenge if there is even a little attempt to ruffle him. Everything about him was "bordering", "almost".
His doubles partner was actually the first one who had noticed that... and dared point it out. Maybe the only one. Pointed out the presence of the "natural mask".
He had been also, "technically", the first victim.
"You're really such a 'Gentleman', are you?" Niou had drawled matter-of-factly, just right after he got up from being hit by a Laser Beam point-blank at the face causing him to sprawl down the dirt. He had looked at Yagyuu squarely, though not in the sizing up stance bullies usually do, and that's when Yagyuu knew that Niou had seen through him. Which he had to admit is surprising, as they barely knew each other.
Sometimes, then, he maliciously imagines simply tying his family up and leaving for somewhere he would not be found, right after shooting Laser Beams at them.
He immediately crosses out the thought though... too improper.
He remembers also that his desk had his cellphone.
...He knew he had no messages there anyway. What was he even thinking?
He sighs, getting up instead and going to the bathroom to brush his teeth and get ready for bed.
"Mou, Yagyuu-kun, why didn't you answer my message?" a pouting loud Niou was the first thing that morning, and Yagyuu just rolled his eyes in a long-suffering gesture. The rest of the Rikkai tennis club regulars pointedly ignored them, as apparently this is already a too old matter. Only Renji was discreetly observing them and his reaction, he saw at the corner of his vision -- but that was Renji's role anyway.
"You hadn't sent me any messages, Niou-kun." The usual dialogue, sounding quite bored.
"I did, I did. I even drew a heart at the end of it, don't you remember?"
"Enough of that, the shuttle's here," Sanada boomed at them, apparently fed up with hearing the "invisible message" joke Niou had been pulling at his doubles partner recently.
Or maybe Sanada's adrenaline was just running too high, as this is the day of the Kantou Tournament after all.
"And you, Niou, fifty laps around the court when we get there! You, Yagyuu, thirty!"
"Hai hai, vice captain" Niou replied in a sing-song voice. Under his breath though, at Yagyuu, "Why do I have to get that much?"
"Niou, SEVENTY!"
The rest of the day had been pretty uneventful. As usual, their pairing had won, but they had let the opponent score 3 points. Yagyuu knew that he had let Niou have too much fun messing with the opponent, that's why, when he is supposed to be the balancer of them two. Niou knew that too, but went ahead.
Either way, Sanada was obviously not happy with their game despite their win, and hit them both right after with that racket of his. All the while thundering at them that they're supposed to crush the enemy down to only a point or none at all, but because of consciously flawing their game wasted time and therefore was a shame to their team's ideal. The scene practically hushed the whole court, and Niou by Renji's instructions had to drag Yagyuu away to let the game resume to its usual noisy mood.
Niou dragged them under a tree not far from the court, and immediately flopped down the grass complaining about Sanada's racket slap getting stronger and more painful per game. Yagyuu after a pause had sat down as well and half-listened to Niou ramble, before lying down on the grass as well.
"Grass feels good, huh?" Niou teased a moment after, both of them knowing that it is very rare that prim and proper Yagyuu would ever sit or lie down on the grass like the rest of them.
Yagyuu's cheek was still stinging from that racket hit. He lifted his hands to feel it over, but covered his eyes instead.
Actually, very right after Sanada had racket-slapped them, he had wanted to laugh. But what is supposed to be a laugh came out as a very short sharp sound from his lips now, not even sounding like a chuckle.
"We won, didn't we?" he just said.
But no matter what he does, he just couldn't transcend past the level of the three tennis geniuses of Rikkaidai. Not even with him and Niou combined. Or with the rest of the Rikkaidai tennis club combined.
No matter how fast he improves, he could never take on a higher responsibility beyond being a regular of the Rikkaidai tennis club. Not that he ever wanted to, but...
He felt his hands wrenched away from his eyes, and Niou staring down at him and grinning like an idiot. Or like the usual Trickster he is that would usually lead Yagyuu to wondering if he had already placed his latest prank somewhere near... but not this time.
"Oi, oi, oi Is Yagyuu-kun actually crying??"
Yagyuu just frowned and closed his eyes briefly. He wondered if he was actually crying, but he could feel no tears at his cheeks. He also tried to squirm out of Niou's weight -- the bastard was also half-laying over him -- and pulling away his wrists from Niou's strong grasp. "I'm not. Get off, Niou-kun."
"Sure you're not. You are..." Niou let go of one wrist to press his hand against Yagyuu's chest. Directly over his heart, "...here."
If he was like other people, he would have immediately teared up at that gesture. He just swatted Niou's hands away with his freed hand and pushed himself to sit back up to force Niou to ease away. "Sure, Niou-kun," he said in his usual subtly sarcastic way, focusing on the distant sound of cheers from the court instead. But he wondered if he had said that too late, or if he had stared back at Niou for even a moment before that.
"Ne, ne, won't you tell me what's up? Because you've been spacing out there, you know." Somehow he could feel Niou's eyes shining at him with its usual naughtiness, but piercing straight right through him. And I just let you, were the unspoken additional words.
But Yagyuu knew that already, Niou knew.
"Is there anything to tell, Niou-kun?"
The trip back was relatively quiet -- as usual, flawless victory, and Sanada didn't have to play. But more quiet was Yagyuu. He strangely felt so tired. The others just took it as the usual, or Yagyuu still nursing the sting of Sanada's racket slap.
He also still didn't tell Niou anything. Was there really anything to tell? Every troubles he had in his life affecting him now were just too ancient and deep-rooted that he didn't know if they could even be put to words anyway.
Niou should understand. He would understand. Even if they seem like polar opposites, they're not really that different...
This must be the first time he ever made sure his natural mask is in place. Or was it already crumbling?
Yagyuu let himself out at his usual drop, Niou and Jackal trailing behind him. He sat down on the bench by the sidewalk and idly watched the two exchange goodbyes, before realizing that he also felt too drained to walk.
Niou sat down beside him after a while. They just sat there in their usual quiet companionship, Niou only cackling once at some random person or happening on the street he found amusing. Just letting the skies grow dark, and darker to an orangey glow.
"So, is this the part where I take your hand and swing it while I walk you home?"
Yagyuu just gives Niou his version of a glare -- rolling his eyes at the trickster briefly before focusing them elsewhere -- and just stays quiet. Niou would get the expression.
"Saa!" Niou then places his hands on his knees and stands up in one flourish of finality, then grabs Yagyuu's hand and yanks him up after him before any reaction-time flinch would kick in. When Yagyuu finally gets back to his usual rigid posture and starts falling in step beside his partner, he notices that Niou still had his hand firmly clasped in his. And was swinging it between them exaggeratedly as well.
"What the hell are you doing, Niou-kun."
"Eh?" Niou just looks at him as if he didn't get the question, then looks straight forward. "Walking, of course!"
Yagyuu just rolls his eyes, while trying to fight any surfacing feeling of embarrassment. Well, this sight of them -- Niou holding his hand and swinging it in the exaggerated imitation of those of... lovers'...? -- is surely embarrassing. Specially if there were that much people around who could see them. Luckily he could only spot one or two people in the distance and across the street; he thought he heard a giggle somewhere though.
But strangely, despite his little frustration at the situation, he feels some calm. For some strange reason his mind was being forced to focus on the swinging of their hands (and the sore display it made), instead on all his initial worries and everything else.
He thought about it for a moment. Then let his mind go blank. And just let Niou continue doing his swinging.
Sometime along the walk though he squeezed at Niou's hand, once. So brief and fleeting like it never happened. And it seemed like it didn't happen, as Niou still had his swinging going on and never skipped a beat.
Yagyuu hoped Niou got his message. Niou would definitely get the message.
It was a "thank you", after all.
i hate the formatting here. i couldn't double paragraph