Meanwhile Back at the Ranch
A Samurai Jack Fanfic
By Laura McDaniel

Samurai Jack wearily wandered down a dirt path running down the center of a rather dusty town. He was searching for a place to say or perhaps something to eat, but the streets were vacant and he didn't feel like disturbing anybody who lived in the town's dilapidated old houses. The only movement he saw on the road was the occasional tumbleweed. Suddenly, the wind picked up and Jack used one of his hands to shelter his eyes from the sand that blew towards him. Once he thought the wind had died down again, he lowered his hand, but at that very moment, a piece of paper flew right into his face! Expecting it to be a wanted poster for one of Aku's targets, he planned on tossing it right back into the wind. However, the words "TIME MACHINE" caught his eye before he could rid himself of the flyer. Excitedly, the samurai read the paper to himself:

RANCH HAND WANTED!
Meals, room, and exclusive use of the amazing TIME MACHINE provided!
Contact Tex Rex at The Upside-Down W Ranch if interested


There was no denying it! The flyer undoubtedly mentioned a time machine! Jack wasn't sure what a ranch hand was supposed to do, but he decided he'd do anything if it meant he'd have access to a time machine. All he had to do was find the Upside-Down W Ranch, wherever that was. Shrugging, he continued down the dusty road.

It wasn't long before he left the town's borders and found himself at a fork in the road. It was a big fork, too, and it had evidently been standing out in the rain for a while because it had gotten pretty rusty. After spending way too much time staring at the fork and wondering what its significance was, he took the road west, towards a complex of sturdy log buildings surrounded by a network of split-rail fences that were laced with barbed wire. Over the large wooden gate that led to the ranch, there was a sign that read, "The Upside-Down W Ranch" and underneath it was a circle with an "M" inside it that looked exactly like the symbol on the bottom of the flyer Jack held. Jack spotted a large brass bell with a string dangling from it hanging to the side of the gate. Feeling rather curious, Jack rang the bell and it let out a rather satisfying, resounding *CLANG!*

Within moments, Jack heard heavy footsteps accompanied by a soft, metallic jingling coming from the other side of the gate. He backed away nervously when he saw a tall, thin shadow edging towards him.

The shadow belonged to a rugged-looking cowboy with a massive, brown handlebar mustache and bright blue eyes. A few sprigs of brown hair were visible from underneath the ten-gallon cowboy hat he wore. The rest of his attire consisted of faded blue jeans, tight leather chaps, and a red-and-white-checkered button-down shirt. The ringing sound came from the spurs he was wearing on his cowboy boots. He eyed Jack curiously while he chewed on a piece of straw. "What d'ya want, ma'am?" he asked in a gruff voice.

Choosing to ignore the fact that the man had said "ma'am," Jack held up the flyer and said, "My name is Jack and I am interested in the ranch hand position. Are you Tex Rex?"

"Yessir," Tex Rex replied. "'n I'm sorry I called ya 'ma'am.' Honest mistake. Ya are wearin' a dress 'n all…" He waited for Jack to say something, but the samurai remained silent. The cowboy shrugged, "'spose I c'n let you in 'n we c'n talk more." He swung the gate open and Jack stepped inside. "So, what qual'fications do ya have? Do ya even know how ta ride a horse? Ya look like a reg'lar tenderfoot ta me!"

"I learned how to ride horses while training in Arabia as a child," Jack replied.

"Arabia? Heh!" Tex Rex chuckled. "Sounds fancy! Might be too fancy. But fine. I'll let ya work fer me. I could use a good laugh. HA!" He glanced and Jack and asked, "How's about I show ya to yer sleeping quarters 'n get ya somethin' else ta wear. I don't think yer dressed quite right fer the job."

"That sounds good to me," Jack replied. "And may I use your time machine?"

Tex Rex burst out laughing as he clapped the rather confused-looking samurai on the back. "I'm sorry, pardner, but that would be out of the question right now. You have ta work fer the right ta use it."

"Oh," Jack said in a disappointed voice. "Well, I will do whatever you ask of me if it means I can use your time machine."

"I like that attitude, Jack!" Tex Rex exclaimed. "Now, let's get movin'!" Jack and Tex Rex moseyed on over to one of the log structures and swung open the saloon style entry doors. They went through another set of doors and arrived in a small bedroom. There was a rather comfortable looking bed to one side of the room and a rickety wardrobe to the other. Tex Rex blew the dust off the wardrobe door and then opened it. "None o' this has been worn in a while. But I 'spect you'll find something that fits. D'ya need any help pickin' out somethin' ta wear?"

"No, I can dress myself, thank you," Jack calmly replied.

Tex Rex looked Jack over and chuckled, "Whatever ya say!" he walked to the doors and said, "I'll meet ya outside when yer done." The cowboy walked out to the porch and leaned against a post. He chewed on a piece of straw and stared idly at the sky. Jack seemed to be taking a long time to get ready. When Jack finally arrived, Tex Rex's eyes widened in shock…

Jack was wearing a beautiful calico dress printed with tiny lavender flowers. Despite the fact that he looked pretty silly, he was walking in a solemn, dignified manner. "I am ready to begin my work, Tex Rex."

The cowboy burst out laughing. He laughed so hard that he fell over.

"And what is so funny, may I ask?" Jack inquired.

"Well, it's just that even if ya weren't wearin' a dress before, yer wearin' one now!"

"This was the most comfortable clothing in the wardrobe!" Jack exclaimed. "You said I should wear something comfortable! The pants in there were far too tight!"

"That's the way they're 'sposed ta be!" Tex Rex exclaimed. With a frustrated sigh, he went back into the bedroom and opened the wardrobe again. He tossed a blue-checkered shirt, a pair of faded blue jeans, a pair of cowboy boots with silver spurs, a pair of leather chaps, and a cowboy hat on the bed. "If those don't fit quite right, try somethin' else in there. But somethin' else like that, OK? No dresses!"

"All right, all right!" Jack exclaimed.

"I'll leave you alone now," Tex Rex said. When he was outside on the porch again, he muttered, "Maybe this isn't a good idea…"

Jack joined Tex Rex outside, wearing the cowboy gear he'd been given. It actually fit him pretty well and didn't appear to be any tighter than it was supposed to be. Of course, he did seem to have a difficult time walking in the tight jeans. "Is that better?" Jack asked.

"Yeah, that's better," Tex Rex said. "Now, let's get ta work!" The two of them moseyed out to a green pasture where a herd of robotic cows grazed.

"Ummm…what are those?" Jack asked.

"Mechanical bulls!" Tex Rex replied. "I just got a new shipment of calves from the fact'ry 'n I need ta give 'em all the Upside-Down Dubya Ranch brand!" He held up an item that looked something like a typical metal branding tool, except for the fact that the shape at the end of it was outlined with sharp razors. He pressed a button on the tool's stem and the stick started shaking violently. "It engraves 'em, ya see, since the bulls are metal 'n all."

"Oh," Jack said, looking at the shape on the brand. "You said that's an upside-down W, but it looks like an M to me."

Tex Rex turned off the tool and glared at Jack. "Naw! It's not an M, it's an upside-down dubya!"

"Yes, but an upside-down W looks like an M!"

"So?" Tex Rex retorted. "I'm gonna get a horse out here 'n see how your riden' 'n ropin' skills are!" He disappeared into a nearby barn and came out with a powerful looking mare that was saddled and ready for action. Her hide was mostly gray but flecked with a few white spots and her mane and tail were white as well. "This is Everest," Tex Rex said. "D'ya think ya c'n mount Everest?" Everest flicked her tail and snorted in Jack's face. Tex Rex laughed.

Jack was unmoved. He simply stroked the mare's mane very gently, and almost instantly, the wild look in her eyes faded somewhat. She then nuzzled Jack in a friendly manner.

"I'm impressed," Tex Rex said. "That horse is usually purtty tough ta get along with. However, ya still need ta mount Everest!"

"Very well," Jack said. He skillfully got on the horse, and gave Tex Rex a look that said, "I told you I could do it."

"Nice, Jack, very nice. But do ya know how to rope?" he handed Jack a lasso and started twirling one himself. He roped a nearby fencepost and smiled at Jack. "Come, on, Jack! Give it a try!"

Jack gulped and then threw out his lasso. However, instead of the fencepost, he roped Tex Rex! Thankfully, the cowboy had quick reflexes and pulled off the rope before Jack was able to tighten the rope and strangle him. "Ooo, nice try, Jack!" he laughed. "Try that again!"

Jack sighed and took the lasso again. This time, his rope flew behind him and he accidentally roped one of the mechanical bulls! The bull was so startled that he started running. Jack still kept a firm grip on the rope, so the strong mechanical bull dragged both him and Everest around the pasture. Tex Rex laughed hysterically as he watched. Eventually, Jack fell off the horse and the bull was making such a desperate attempt to get the samurai off his back that it charged right into one of the fences and then fell into a giant heap of scrap metal.

"Nooooooooooo!" Tex Rex hollered as he ran over to the baffled samurai. "My fence! My bull! Oh, this is such a calamity, Jack!" Suddenly, he started laughing, "Hehe…Calamity Jack, that's what I'll call ya!"

Jack brushed off his jeans and stood up again. "I'm afraid that this isn't my line of work. But I still want very much to use your time machine. Is there anything else I can do for you to earn the right to use it?"

"Well, this mess needs cleanin' up 'n this fence needs mendin'," Tex Rex said as he kicked at the pile of metal.

"That much I think I can do," Jack said, "if you provide the proper tools, that is."

Tex Rex chuckled. "All right, I reckon that'll do, Calamity Jack! As soon as yer done, I'll let ya use my time machine."

The cowboy gave Jack a toolbox and rolled a massive trashcan out towards him. Jack quickly got to work while the cowboy roped and branded the bulls. By sunset, Jack was finished, and approached Tex Rex. "I have completed my tasks," he said.

Tex Rex smiled and nodded. "Yes, so ya did. Well, OK, I 'spose ya c'n use my time machine now. Follow me to my house!" They moseyed on over to one of the buildings, and through a couple of sets of saloon-style doors. They entered a room in which there was a rather rickety table. On the table was a red cloth draped over something. "Now take off that there cloth, ya hear!" Tex Rex urged Jack.

"At last, my quest has come to an end!" Jack exclaimed as he yanked off the cloth. Underneath it was a strange looking contraption that looked like an alarm clock attached to two potatoes. He looked at it in confusion, uncertain what to do.

"Isn't it impressive? Made it myself!" Tex Rex said proudly.

"How does it work?" Jack asked.

"It's easy!" Tex Rex replied. "Ya look at it ta see what time it is. It's like a clock, only it runs on taters, so it's no ordinary clock: it's a time machine!"

Jack fainted.

Tex Rex laughed, "I reckon he's impressed…HAHAHAHA!"