Title: Clarity (Inspired by "Clarity" by John Mayer)
Author: PepsiCola81
Disclaimer: All characters are owned by ASP. Basically I'm broke, untalented and relentless, so don't sue. I own zip zero nadda: nothing.
Summary: Lit. End of season 5, she decides to tell him everything. And I mean everything. One-parter, short.
Rating: PG – Nothing really bad here.
Feedback appreciated. :)
Evidently, she had no choice. It was the last choice she thought she would take, but that decision had been taken out of her hands. This was the only way she could handle it, at least that's what she kept telling herself. Her right foot felt like a thousand pound weight against the gas pedal, as the little car tried it's hardest to satisfy her need for speed. But it wouldn't have mattered if the little Prius had gone at the speed of light because right then she couldn't get there fast enough.
There was no other choice, she kept reminding herself. Logan would have never understood. She knows he's never really understood anything she's ever said, their lives were too different and deep down they both knew they were entirely different people. Dean, she told herself, was hardly an option seeing as she no longer thought of him, only to shudder at her past actions. Her grandparents were out of the question, because she knew she'd be letting them down and somehow she knew that it would never be able to sit well with her. And then there was the obvious choice of Lorelai. Numerous times along the journey, Rory had come so close to just turning around, but her brain had caught herself just in time. She was already disappointed with her as it was. Hell, she had gotten so desperate she had gone to Luke, but somehow the words couldn't formulate, and Luke had never been one for confrontation. So who does that leave?
She pulls up to the curb outside a run down apartment building, thrilled by the knowledge that finding an open parking spot in the hustle and bustle of New York City must come as a good omen. Running her fingers gently through her hair, only now realizing her appearance might not be all that favorable, she steps into the shabby building. She pulls a slip of paper from the pocket of her spring jacket, and immediately she finds herself standing outside the doorway. Inside, she can hear a television running loudly, she strains her ears even more and smiles faintly to herself as she finds it's the news. Her fingers form a knuckle which, without her knowledge, rap on the door. A muffle of someone inside, a few grunts and light footsteps precede the opening of the door. And then he's standing there, right in front of her and suddenly her mind goes absolutely blank.
She wants to say something suave. She wants to be the sarcastic one. For once, she wants to be the one who doesn't give a damn. But her mouth and brain aren't connecting and therefore she's left to try to communicate on her own.
"I screwed up," she tells him.
'Hi' might have been more appropriate, but she hasn't the patience to critique herself. She expects him to say something, only he doesn't. Perhaps he's too shocked to see her there, or maybe it's that he likes seeing her flustered.
"I screwed up," she repeats, her eyes finding the weave of the carpet extremely engrossing. "I thought I had everything under control." She finds his eyes again, and they're fixated on her, not inviting her to proceed, but letting her all the same, as he leans his body against the doorway.
"I thought I could handle everything. It was supposed to be easy. Yale wasn't supposed to be like this. I'm – not supposed to be like this." She notices his hair for the first time, the eccentricity of it's free formed shape on top of his head, but continues on.
"I dropped classes because I couldn't keep up. I'm a Gilmore. This is supposed to be easy for me, there's a precedent, and I couldn't – I couldn't do it. And then, I slept with Dean." She's been building up to this point, knowing fully well that this is most likely the most interesting part for him. For the first time, since she arrived, his face flinches ever so slightly, hardly enough for her to be sure, but enough for her curiosity to peak.
"And he's married, and then there was Logan, and we were friends with benefits. I'm not that type of girl, I can't handle having a guy with me one minute and with a different girl the next. And then I got arrested. I know – right. Me? Arrested? Rory Gilmore in prison? What was she serving lunch there? Singing Christmas carols for the inmates? Right? And all because I stole a boat. Yea, a boat," she says as she sees his eyebrows rise again. Her eyes drop lower, to examine his body and she can tell he looks stronger, sturdier.
"All because an editor told me I don't have it. I mean all I've wanted to do for – forever is to be a journalist and then some guy who probably hasn't put pen to paper for years tells me I'll make a great assistant someday and I guess I just lost it." She shakes her head, emphasizing the point and looks to him for a reaction but it seems as though he's a mute.
"And now, I'm leaving Yale, and I'm going to take some time off. I thought I had everything under control. But I'm so far from control, I can't even see it. And…I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry. Ya, have I mentioned that: I'm sorry. You deserve an apology. I – I was just hoping maybe I could come in and talk…or…" She's exasperated, her long ramblings are usually cut short, but he's let her go, and for the first time she can truly devote her whole concentration on him. His mouth is curved into a half-grin, half-frown, as if not really knowing how to feel at the exact moment. She tries to smile at him, but she feels extremely naked.
"Jess, sweetie, why have you been out there so long? Is someone here?" a female voice coos from inside the apartment.
Rory feels her cheeks flush and the pit of her stomach drops immensely. It never once crossed her mind that perhaps he was with someone. That maybe he had someone. A mental picture of a tall, thin, blonde scantily clad girl comes into her mind. So immediately she does the first thing that comes to instinct, she turns to run. Tears start to fall from her eyes; she can no longer control her emotions. She's tried everything, everyone she thought she could turn to so far has let her down and now she wonders what she has left.
"Rory!"
She stops at the voice, it's not what they've said, that makes her stop but it's who said it. She turns around and immediately a rush of relief consumes her.
"Rory, I'm so glad you're here!" Liz cries, throwing her arms around the fragile little girl. "I was just wondering why he doesn't have a girl-. " But she stops short, at once noticing the pools of liquid in her eyes. "All right, don't cry," she says in a motherly voice, and then turns stern-faced to Jess, "Did you do this?" But immediately Rory starts shaking her head violently and Liz backs away. "All right, well I'm going to let you two lovebirds get back to talking," she says cupping Rory's chin in her hands, winking at her, turning to Jess to glare at him and walking down the hall out of sight.
A silence falls over them and for once, ever since they've known each other, it's no longer tense. Somehow they both know a barrier has been broken. Somewhere deep down, they know it's going to be different now. She hopes she hasn't lost him yet, he's still standing there looking at her. He hasn't said a word, and usually that's nothing new for him, but she desperately wants him to speak.
"Rory?" he finally asks her, his eyes shining brilliantly at hers.
"Ya?" she whispers.
He stands aside from the doorway, and says in a tone more forgiving and understanding than she could ever hope for, "You want to come in?"
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:) Lacy
I might continue on later as to what the conversation they're going to have once she's inside his apartment. Totally depends on how much time I have though.