A Promise To Keep

"Shintaro, if something were to happen, if something happens to me, could you do this one thing for me?"

Funny how the world works, he thought silently, to afraid to whisk away the silence. His apartment didn't have much, just the few gifts his relatives gave him to help get him "on his feet" they'd said. Finishing high school meant work, and dealing with people and their wild range of emotions.

Often, they moaned and groaned similar to him. Then there were those who drowned themselves in their inner thoughts, quiet and staring into your soul. Creepy.

Of course, there were those tricksters with that mischievous glint in their eyes many would call "innocent"- that is until they turned around. Very few were daftly innocent, and those few tended to have balloons for brains, just air.

However, the fewest in the world were those who simply smiled. Never did they need a reason to smile, even when things didn't go their way. If they were given a bad grade:

"Ah, well, I better study harder next time," they'd say gleefully.

Strange.

Unlike Shintaro's usual, his apartment had been picked up without needing Ene's nagging and threats to share his computer's folders. All his clothes were back in his closet on hangars and in drawers. The only item of clothing left out, though, was his red jacket, the one she bought him for his birthday. Apparently, she'd saved up her allowance for a month for it.

Did he get her anything?

Shintaro didn't want an audience, so his computer was unplugged from the wall, and his phone turned off. Ene wouldn't be able to do anything with both items accessible.

He'd talked to his sister just a few days ago, finally giving her that song that Ene had ruined last time. It's about time. After the incident, after finding a new keyboard, after meeting all those people Momo'd been hanging out with, he didn't want to give it to her. In fact, he'd thrown in his computer's trash.

Then the emptiness came back when he didn't see anyone again for a few days. He'd pulled it back out just in time. Ene didn't know why, and she didn't need to. It's his business.

He hoped it would explain to everyone why he acted the way he did, why he became so much more quiet than before, so bitter... No, not bitter. Just angry with himself.

Shintaro thought he could figure anyone out, like each person was a simple mathematical equation with specific variables that made up their "unique" personalities. Most people were the same, whiny, a little angry, but mostly happy.

She seemed different. Poor in school, but not an air-head when it came to other smarts. Only whined when Shintaro had to explain for a third time how to do a simple problem. Very cheerful, yet...

"Was that the real you that I knew?" Shintaro sat on the edge of his bed, holding the red jacket in his hands.

It's been like this since he moved out. Wake up, computer, eat, computer, bathroom, eat, computer, sleep. Ene and Momo became pretty much only people he talked to beside the pizza guy. His thoughts kept him busy when Momo's music didn't.

Thoughts. Memories. Calculations. He hated his mind. Memory wasn't something he'd been short of. In fact, he remembered things in great detail, from his bullying experience, to the slight hesitation his teachers had before asking him for an answer to the problem on the board.

Hmm, maybe that's why he became this way. Primary school was far from easy. Sure he did fine academically, great even. But socially? If having your head forced into a toilet as someone flushed it was "getting out there and being social" like his mom wanted him to be, then he held first place. Words were cruel, too, but he'd kept silent, riding them off as unimportant.

Going into high school would be no different if it weren't for her. His plan had been to keep everyone shut out, but Shintaro allowed her in. Why? Was it her voice? Her laugh? Maybe, it was her watchful eye of those around her instead of her textbook? She seemed rather popular, so why did she keep pushing to get to know him?

He really didn't know the answer to that one.

The sun's only now touching the horizon, painting the sky in orange, brushing the clouds with purples and pinks, blinding him. The clock read 6:25. 6:30 was the time he last talked to her on a friday, two days before the "accident."

Accidents didn't happen. Nothing is coincidental, he'd learned from a young age. Everything had a cause and effect, the outcomes similar depending on the positivity or negativity placed before the situation.

The "accident" was a result that he had never expected- not from her and how her life seemed to be ever so simple.

Even so, at least she left him with a request, something for him to do for her, to make her happy wherever she was now.

That's when he finally reached for the drawer beside his bed.

He thought most answers were rather easy to find before he met her, each hidden in a basic equation that very few actually attempted to solve.

While rummaging through, his fingers slipped over it's cool metal, barely cutting through the skin.

After meeting her, he'd became so confused, so unsure of the world, of himself and how he felt. Shintaro remembered those days where he'd be by himself only wanting to disappear, knowing that his death would mean nothing. She'd made that thought seem so silly.

He hooked his hands into the the red handles. Finally, the scissors where in his hand and now on his lap. All he could do was stare at its red.

Why would he think that silly when even she, behind that well practice smile, was crumbling to? Without warning, she left him. She never told him.

Her scarf had been red. Same with the barrettes in her hair. Now he held red scissors. Finally, in both hands he held the scissors towards himself.

She couldn't live with a heart that only wanted to disappear. That was transparent now. The transparent answer that stared him right in the face. He ignored it.

So heavy, the scissors. He'd been dragging himself for so long. This would be finally a relief.

He didn't think though that he'd forget such a pretty smile.

"I remember what you told me, Ayano. 'Remember to Smile.' But I want to do it in person."

Time flies when one succumbs to their thoughts. At 12:32am on August 15th Shintaro Kisaragi commited suicide.

No gate would open for him to reach Ayano.

Can I say I'm slightly disgusted with myself for writing this? I started off just thinking about how sad it is that Shintaro, in Toumei Answer (Transparent Answer) had been left to believe that she was depressed, hiding her sadness from anyone, and chose to kill herself. He thought he'd realized she was just as sad as him but just hid it. But after watching Ayano no Koufuku Riron (Ayano's Theory Of Happiness), we know she loved her family and friends with everything she had. Yet he didn't know. He wouldn't know for a long time. Can you even imagine how horrible he must've felt.

So after watching Lost Time Memory, I thought a bit about the "what could have been without the gang" Shintaro. Something doesn't make sense to me though. We see him die, then see Ayano. But at the very end, he's still lying on the bed, not moving. The clock read 12:32am August 15th. However, the day in order to go in the "Daze" is August 14th. The 14th ended. Of course, we don't know the exact time he killed himself or how long he's seen in the "daze" to know for sure. Based off of the little new knowledge the anime gave us, we know the body goes into the "Daze", so it's not like he's just in comatose.

I don't know, if anyone wants to try to explain the issue of whether or not the PV is flawed (I know the anime is), or if Jin may have a loophole, or if I'm just not thinking straight, feel free to do so in a review or PM me. Thank you for reading!