Illness and Doubts
Hey everyone! It's been a while since I've written a Merlin story, but I got this idea while I was doing my chemistry homework. So, I decided to do it.
(TRIGGER WARNINGS: SELF HARM, DEPRESSION, ATTEMPTED SUICIDE)
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For weeks now, Merlin had been acting strangely, and, considering how much time they spent together, Arthur would have to be a complete imbecile not to notice. And, even if Merlin would argue that he was a complete imbecile, Arthur was just a bit more intelligent than Merlin gave him credit for. Beyond that, Arthur was sure that even the most idiotic person on the planet would realize that something was wrong with the young manservant. Arthur had noticed that Merlin had been getting increasingly tired, and he never seemed to be interested in their banter anymore. Merlin never seemed to be happy or even smile.
XXX
And now, Arthur was sure he had found the reason why: Merlin had suddenly collapsed with a high fever while walking down the hall. Arthur, being not-so-secretly concerned about his manservant, quickly brought him to Gaius.
"Sire, what's wrong with Merlin?" the old physician questioned as Arthur burst in through the door.
"He collapsed, and he has quite a fever," Arthur replied.
"Set him down," Gaius told the king.
As the old man tried to find out what was wrong, he couldn't help but notice that Merlin had yet to stop a certain habit he had found out about quite some time ago.
"Oh, Merlin…," Gaius sighed.
"What is it?" Arthur demanded, thinking Gaius had discovered what ailed the manservant.
"I don't know, Sire. The only symptom he has is a high fever, which could be many different ailments," he responded honestly, although keeping a certain piece of information secret. "I'll make some medicine for him, and he'll be good as new in a day or two, I hope."
Arthur nodded, accepting the answer, before having to go back to his kingly duties.
XXX
However, Gaius was wrong when he said Merlin would heal so quickly in more ways than one.
It had been four days since Merlin collapsed, and his fever hadn't lowered much, if at all since. Furthermore, for reasons unknown to Arthur, Gaius had been refusing to let him into the room since he came back later the first night.
"I don't want to risk you getting sick as well, Sire," Gaius kept telling him through the closed door.
Normally, Arthur wouldn't have questioned this. After all, it was perfectly logical for a court physician to make sure the king didn't fall ill. However, something in the old man's voice had told Arthur that something was going on, and he had heard quite a few unexplainable crashes through the door during those four days.
"Gaius, what's going on? You've never reacted like this to a simple fever before," Arthur argued. "Tell me the truth, Gaius: Is something seriously wrong with Merlin?"
The physician hesitated before answering.
"I'm afraid… that there may be a bigger problem than the fever, Sire. I do assure, however, that I will deal with that once the fever passes," said Gaius.
"You're dodging my question, Gaius. What is the bigger problem?" Arthur asked.
There was an even longer silence this time.
"Sire, I believe that it's better to discuss that problem with Merlin. You'll have to have patience," Gaius finally answered.
Sighing, Arthur accepted that he wouldn't get any more answers from the physician at that time. So, he left the closed door and walked away.
XXX
Hours later, the young king sat in worried silence with his wife.
"I can't imagine what could be so bad that Gaius is acting this way. It's so unlike him," Gwen broke the silence. "Has he still not told you anything?"
Arthur sighed again.
"He only told me that there's another problem, and he believes that one is more of a concern," Arthur explained. "Which, of course, only makes me wish he would tell us what's happening even more."
"We should have made him tell Gaius something was wrong earlier. He's been acting strangely for weeks. What if it's too late, and Gaius just doesn't want to admit it?" Gwen questioned worriedly, tears forming in her eyes.
Arthur had to think of something to tell his wife that couldn't end up being a lie.
"I'm sure that Gaius is trying his best to help Merlin," Arthur tried to reassure her.
"But what if it isn't enough?" Gwen cried.
With nothing else he could say, Arthur wrapped his arms around her.
XXX
Arthur slashed with his sword, trying to forget his worry by sparing with Gwaine, who was clearly trying to do the same. It had been a week since Merlin fell ill and Gaius closed the door. They kept swinging their swords at each other until they were interrupted by a panicked shout.
"Sire!" the voice yelled out.
They both stopped immediately to face the source of the voice. Their eyes widened as they were met with the sight of Gaius rushing toward them as quickly as his old body allowed. The two of them, along with the other knights, started to jog so they could meet with him.
"What's wrong, Gaius?" Gwaine asked frantically, knowing that something is wrong with Merlin
Despite knowing this, however, all were surprised by what Gaius told them.
"Merlin is gone! I left for a moment to bring back some water, and he was just gone!" Gaius explained.
"What?!" Arthur and Gwaine gasped in unison.
"I spoke to a few guards, and they haven't seen him. But I don't understand how he could have even stood up! He's been unconscious!" Gaius continued, and, although he was aware that Merlin was capable of many things in normal circumstances, these circumstances were anything but normal.
"He couldn't have gone far, I'm sure," Arthur spoke before addressing his knights. "Find him!"
With that order, they all began to search and spread the word. After all, with the condition Merlin was in, even if he did manage to get up, he could easily collapse again. And considering the fact that he shouldn't have been able to get up at all, his disappearance could have been the actions of some evildoer.
XXX
In the end, it wasn't hard to find the young manservant, although Gaius wished that it hadn't been Arthur who found him. Gaius, who had followed behind Arthur in the search, felt dread wash over him when they started to hear crashes from inside one of the castles many rooms. Arthur quickly pushed the door open and froze. Gaius looked past the king and into the room.
However, he wasn't sure which part he should be more horrified about: The fact that the king was watching Merlin flinging objects around with his magic in a feverish panic, or that Arthur was watching Merlin cut deeply into his own flesh as he cried.
For a while, both of them could only stare into the room in shock. Eventually, it was Arthur who managed to shake himself out of it and stepped into the room. He quickly made his way to Merlin, dodging flying objects as he did so. Gaius could only wait to see what the king's reaction would be to these new discoveries.
Arthur knelt down next to Merlin, his face blank.
He grabbed Merlin's arms and forced the sharp object, a piece of glass that undoubtedly came from one of the many broken objects in the room, out of his hands. Merlin struggled against the grip, although he clearly had no clue who had grabbed him. Arthur, still expressionless, kept his hold firm enough to stop Merlin from hurting himself any further. He ended up only needing to do this for about a minute more, however, as Merlin ended up falling unconscious once again.
"Sire-"Gaius tried to speak as he finally found his words.
"You were right when we said we had to talk to Merlin," Arthur cut him off, his voice just as emotionless as his face.
With that, Arthur scooped up Merlin's unconscious body and left the room. Gaius followed after him, his worry over being unable to read the king's reaction lessening a bit as he saw that Arthur was bringing Merlin back to the physician's chambers. On their way, Arthur told a guard to call off the search for the manservant.
Once they had entered the chambers and Merlin was situated, Gaius carefully treated the man's wounds as Arthur stared at just about anything else in the room. Once that was done, Arthur turned to the physician. Rather than expressionless, his face now looked tired.
"Well, there seems to be quite a bit that I need to ask Merlin, but in the meantime, I believe I should ask you some questions first," Arthur spoke.
The old man let his eyes fall to the ground as he tried to figure out what he should or shouldn't say. However, before either of the men could say anything more, Gwaine burst into the room, with Gwen trailing right after him. Arthur looked over to the new arrivals.
"I suppose you two should hear this as well," Arthur told them.
Somewhat confused, seeing as they were still clueless about what happened, they drew closer.
"Is Merlin okay?" Gwaine questioned.
"That is part of what we're going to discuss," Arthur told them with a sigh. "So, Gaius, can you explain any of what just happened?"
"…Where should I start, Sire?" Gaius asked, knowing that he couldn't get out of answering.
This time, it was Arthur who let his gaze fall to the floor for a moment.
"Why don't you start with the magically flying objects?" the king questioned, seemingly reluctant.
Hearing this, both Gwaine and Gwen spun their heads turned Merlin in surprise.
"What… You aren't suggesting…," Gwaine trailed off.
"Gaius?" Gwen looked toward the old man, her eyes pleading for an answer.
"Merlin… He is a sorcerer, Sire… but he was born with the ability to use magic. He has no choice, Sire," Gaius explained, hoping it would help the situation.
The room was tense as they all waited for Arthur to say something. The king pinched the bridge of his nose before replying.
"Alright…," he started. "I… had some suspicions… Although, I was hoping I was wrong."
"Arthur?" Gwen spoke softly, an unspoken question present in her voice.
Gwaine eyed him warily, clearly ready for a fight if he had to protect his friend.
Gaius watched the rest of them in silence.
Yet another sigh found its way out of the king's mouth.
"I… don't know how I'm going to deal with this, but I can assure you all that I'm not going to harm Merlin," Arthur told them, noticing their reactions.
The shoulders of the others in the room immediately relaxed.
"So, were the flying objects the reason you kept us out and I heard all of those crashes?" Arthur asked, already knowing the answer.
"Yes, Sire," Gaius answered.
"And this sickness? Is Merlin going to be alright?" Gwaine cut in.
"His recovery has been slow, but it seems he will get past it without major consequence," the physician replied.
"So it isn't life-threatening?" Arthur asked.
"I don't believe so," the old man confirmed.
Arthur decided to choose his next words carefully.
"And… what about… the other thing…?" Arthur found himself dodging around what happened as he was unable to say the words.
This vague question, of course, caught the attention of Gwaine and Gwen. The queen stayed silent, waiting for an explanation, having already been told something was wrong in addition to the sickness. Gwaine, however, chose to be more vocal.
"What other thing? What else is wrong with Merlin?" Gwaine demanded an answer.
Once again, Arthur had to pinch the bridge of his nose.
"When we found him… he… Merlin was cutting his arms with a piece of broken glass," Arthur explained more clearly, forcing himself to say the words he didn't want to say. "How long has he been doing that?"
Hearing this, Gwaine immediately looked at Merlin once more, now noticing the fresh bandages that were wrapped tightly around the man's arms. Gwen's hands moved to cover her mouth as tears fell from her eyes.
"He… he can't be… Not Merlin! No!" Gwaine shouted once he had fully processed the truth.
"We saw him," Arthur shot back, trying in vain to not show just how upset he truly was. "Gaius, did you know he was doing that?"
Slowly, the physician nodded.
"I caught him doing it once about a year after he arrived here. He had stopped soon after, at least until recently, I'm afraid," came the answer. "I hadn't thought he had started doing it again."
"What?! Why would he do something like this?! Why?!" Gwaine yelled, paying no attention to his volume.
"There's… quite a bit you don't know about Merlin…," Gaius told them, his voice tired. "It really would be best if you asked Merlin himself once he recovers.
None of them were satisfied by this answer. They wanted to know what exactly had driven their usually goofy and smiling friend to something like this. They wanted to help him and make him stop. Nonetheless, they understood that Merlin was the one person who would understand his motivations the best. So, they had to just accept that they would need to be patient and wait.
XXX
A few more days passed before Merlin recovered, but, luckily, there had been no further incidents. When his eyes opened, he was faced with a group of people staring at him with worried eyes.
"Merlin! Thank Gods you're awake!" Gwaine exclaimed in relief.
As the group chorused their own exclamations, Merlin decided to cut in.
"Um, I'm sorry, but has something happened?" he spoke, clearly confused.
"What do you last remember?" Gaius asked in reply.
"I was… walking down the halls…?" he replied uncertainly.
It was then that Merlin noticed the bandages wrapped tightly around his arms. He immediately moved to shield them from view, although he knew it wouldn't make a difference.
"Merlin, we already know about… those… and about the magic…," Arthur told him carefully.
This was truly the last thing Merlin wanted to hear.
"What?!" he squeaked, panic suddenly descending upon him.
"Merlin, we aren't angry with you, but you're going to have to talk to us," Gwen spoke gently.
However, despite those words, Merlin's panic only grew, and his breathing grew heavier and more frantic. He suddenly felt lightheaded and dizzy, but also felt that something was weighing him down at the same time. The voices of his friends bombarded his skull, but he couldn't understand what they were saying. A hand, clearly meant to comfort him, placed itself on his shoulder, but it only made the panic worse.
In the end, Gaius had to force some sleeping draught down the manservant's throat to calm him. The physician requested that the other leave the room for the time-being so Merlin could rest.
XXX
The next time Merlin awoke, he found himself alone. And, as he remembered his last conversation with his friends, he was once again overtaken by fear. Immediately, he stood up, albeit shakily, and went over to a shelf containing many of Gaius's medical ingredients. He had made a plan weeks ago, and in his panic, decided that now was the time to enact it. He grabbed a bottle just as he heard the door to the physician's chambers open.
"Merlin?" Arthur questioned, his voice confused before he realized that his manservant held a bottle of poison. "MERLIN!"
With his shout, Arthur ran over and more or less tackled the man to the ground in an attempt to stop him from emptying the bottle's contents. Merlin struggled to get out of the king's hold, but found himself easily overpowered.
"What's going on?!" Gwaine yelled as he ran into the room, having heard Arthur's shout.
"He just tried to drink a bottle of poison," Arthur replied, his voice choked with worry and fear for his friend's well-being.
"I'll go get Gaius," Gwaine spoke quickly, his face growing pale, as he ran back out.
"Oh, Gods, Merlin, why?" Arthur asked, not caring if a few tears fell from his eyes.
"I can't tell you! If I tell you, you'll hate me even more, and I'd rather die with you hating me less!" Merlin sobbed rapidly.
"Merlin, I don't hate you! I could never hate you! The only thing I hate is seeing you like this!" he argued back. "I can't lose you, Merlin. I know who you are, and I know what kind of man you are. You would never do anything that would make me hate you."
Merlin shook his head, his own tears dripping down his cheeks.
"You don't know me or what I've done, Arthur! All I am is one big lie!" the man sobbed. "I've used magic, I've lied to you and everyone else, I've killed people, Arthur! You will hate me!"
Arthur could find no reply to what his manservant just said, so he just held onto the man until Gaius arrived. And, later, when everything calmed down a bit, Merlin sobbed out his story to his friends, not leaving out a single death or mistake.
XXX
They were all left with many doubts. For a few brief seconds during the tale, they doubted if Merlin was as innocent as they thought him to be. They doubted if Merlin was telling the truth, and even doubted his sanity.
But there was one thing they never doubted: Merlin was their friend, and they were going to help him.
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