Title: Maun
Author: Fuelled By Ramen
Genre: Humour/Romance/WTF?
My lawyer says I need a Disclaimer: I've introduced two of my very own characters, and they are, aside from my idea, the only things in this damn fic that belong to me. Everything else belong to J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. and all those companies that fiddle about with the HP universe. Whether that's a good thing... well, you can decide that for yourself.
Summary: A mildly insane Ravenclaw with a deep love of watching boys snog sets in motion a plan to get Hogwarts' biggest rivals together for her viewing pleasure.
Warnings: Slash, OFC, OMC, language, possible smut (but it's not very likely, and probably anything graphic will be mentioned but not described in great detail because I'd rather not get a nose-bleed and destroy my computer and because is a bitch sometimes), AR, complete disregard of HBP
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1st September - Fateful meetings
The train ride was uneventful, unless of course you counted the momentary commotion caused by a 2nd year Hufflepuff accepting a Canary Cream from a 7th year Ravenclaw. It was almost like every other journey to Hogwarts, and it was that familiarity that calmed Harry Potter immensely. Neville Longbottom was entranced by a book (which may have seemed a bit odd if Harry had been paying more attention), and Luna Lovegood, who had decided that their compartment was the best, was flipping through the Quibbler with her dreamiest expression over her face. The bickering of Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger provided a wonderful bit of back noise, and Harry actually found himself drifting off to sleep easily.
Of course, that was until the door to the compartment slammed open and someone let out a muffled yelp, before tripping over his outstretched legs and landing square on Hermione's chest. A moment of stunned silence followed before the invader scrambled back, lunged toward the door and pulled it closed. She turned, brown eyes frantically glancing over the small group in the room (resting momentarily on Hermione, who had a look of deep offence on her face) before she simply demanded only one thing.
"Hide me."
And that was how it all started, Harry mused. The year that changed everything, the year that made him re-examine what he thought was true. All because this mischievous 7th year Ravenclaw called Paige Tucker decided to make it her goal to meddle with his love life. He didn't know what she was doing at first, because if he had he would've made sure she was never given a good opportunity. By the time it dawned on him what she was up to, however... well, it's safe to say that things were already in motion and it was too late to stomp out the lit fuse creeping towards the barrel.
---
Draco Malfoy was stuck between wanting to scream and wanting to slam Vince Crabbe's face into the compartment door for being an annoying idiot. But Malfoys are composed, and refrain from maiming their allies when betrayal wasn't rampant. They refrain from shrieking like a banshee when they're bored, and they most certainly do not hold something like chronic stupidity against the other purebloods in his house. Even if they are spawned from an incestuous marriage.
After counting to ten in at least twelve different languages (including Elfish), Draco decided that rather than maiming he could settle for throwing a conjured shoe at the imbecile.
"Vince, I request that you shut the hell up," A dramatic pause, "Or I might be forced to refrain from giving you any candy this term."
Vincent looked absolutely aghast, his mouth slight ajar before he snapped it shut and remained quiet for all of five minutes.
It was around that time when a dark-haired girl pulled open the compartment door and smiled somewhat insanely at them. "Excuse me, but I was wondering if you knew where I could find a horribly inept Hufflepuff with no qualms with taking candy from strangers?"
After examining the girl for a moment (and taking in her Ravenclaw robes), Draco decided that Paige Tucker, while obviously off her rocker, was worthy of his attention. That being established, he pointed her in the direction of a 2nd year Hufflepuff he'd seen eying the sweets trolley longingly. Little did he know that she was plotting something, and that said plot definitely involved him.
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Earlier, 16 August
Paige got the idea one night during the summer holidays at her older brother's house. It was fairly late, and they were working on a marathon of soppy chick-flicks, when it dawned on her that Hogwarts' two biggest rivals could easily be shoved into many of the movies they had just watched and it wouldn't be too big of a stretch.
And that's when her idea began to form, right there with her brother while they watched Muggle films and ate popcorn.
It was times like that which made her immensely proud to be a Muggleborn, when she knew that a pureblood would have no idea what was going on.
Potter might, she found herself thinking, but he wouldn't figure it out until it was too late. She was perfectly aware that she was grinning profusely (and probably somewhat manically), and even more aware of her brother staring at her.
"You're plotting again, aren't you?" he deadpanned.
Her eyes gleamed as she replied, "Of course I am! Those movies gave me a wonderful idea to end a silly school-boy rivalry."
A raised eyebrow was all it took for her to begin explaining just what she planned to do and how she planned to do it, and by the time she'd explained, her brother was convinced that she was, indeed, certifiably batshit insane.
---
15 September
"She's a stalker."
"I think you're exaggerating, Harry."
"No, I'm not. She's an insane stalker trying to kill me. Or at least maim me."
"She's not that bad, mate."
"She's out of her bloody mind!"
"Who's crazy?"
"Who do you thi- Oh. It's you," a pause, "Wait, how did you get in here!" Harry turned in his chair to face the grinning Ravenclaw, a look of disbelief covering his face.
"Oh, this and that," she waved at Hermione and Ron, both of whom held fairly guilty expressions, "but if you must know, I just asked around until someone gave me the password. Really, Harry, whoever decides on the Gryffindor passwords needs to think of something better. What kind of password is caput draconis?"
Harry withheld a twitch. "I'm sure the Ravenclaw password is much better, then?"
"I think it is. It's much better than 'kill the snake'(1), at least." At this point, Paige had plopped down onto one of the couches, and was still grinning.
The twitch of course had other ideas, "What do you want, exactly?"
She smiled widely, and Ron and Hermione took that as a cue to get the hell away while they still could. Harry, feeling betrayed and unneeded, stayed were he was and hoped that the girl wasn't going to start hitting on him. "Oh, actually, I was just wondering about your knowledge of Muggle movies."
She was greeted with a blink. "That's it?"
"That's it."
Stare. "You are insane, aren't you?"
"So it was me you were talking about!"
More staring. "Why?"
"Just curious." She looked... devious, and Harry found himself scooting away from her cautiously, like one would creep away from a bear about to eat you.
'This doesn't bode well.'
---
Six hours later found Draco Malfoy reaching the same conclusions as the Ravenclaw skipped from the Slytherin Common room after having a very similar conversation with the Slytherin ice prince.
Pansy peeked out from behind a wall tapestry, "Is it gone?"
A nod, "Yes, she's gone," A pause, "I hope."
"She's a bit insane, yeah?"
"A bit? I was thinking more along the lines of 'destined for St. Mungo's', myself." Blaise remarked as he emerged from his hiding spot (a clever location beneath a sofa), "What was all that about Muggle 'movies'?"
Draco was disconcerted, to say the least, but hid it very well, "I don't know. But I think she's plotting something."
"She's stalkerish," Vince chimed in from across the common room. Greg nodded slowly from behind Vince.
Pansy held up one perfectly manicured finger, "I wouldn't be surprised if she was trying to waylay you, Draco dear."
"I wouldn't be surprised if she was trying to kill me," Draco deadpanned, not even bothering to drawl as he added mentally, 'This doesn't bode well at all.'
---
Outside, Paige was cackling gleefully to herself. 'Phase one initiated!' The group of first year Slytherins standing nearby cowered.
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A/N: So it's my first posted HP fic. Frightening, yeah? I thought so. Well, as of this posting, I have up to chapter 5 written, and I'll try posting once a week. I'll post the first simultaneously, and the rest weekly. This will hopefully be fairly long and a bit crazy. Hope you enjoy(ed)!
Notes: (1) The password in the first book was, if I remember correctly, exactly that. Kill the snake. I think I was laughing for a few days after I re-read it and realized what it meant. I originally was going to use the same meaning, but in Italian, and then I changed my mind. Because... yeah. I'm a dork.