"Of course I will" Is all I can hear, he did it didn't he, great now the man that I love is gunna go off and marry my sister and I'm gunna be stood up there with them listening to them say their vows. How did I get myself into this mess, this usually happens to Steph not me.
"Of course I will" Those words are gunna haunt me now every night, showing me how much of coward I am. Perfect Mel and her perfect life, doesn't matter that she had a kid at just 15, doesn't matter that her marriage failed. I'm not good enough for our parents, she was always their little angel, me I was the outcast who loved her books and school, whereas Mel was out every night getting drunk and sleeping with guys she didn't know.
People loved to be around her when we were younger, she was the one that held everyone's attention, and I just sat in the background, knowing that my time would come. Yet here we are 20 years later and still Mel manages to takes something that could have been forever.
Eddie faithful, loyal, Eddie. He's not my Eddie anymore, he's hers. The thing I don't get is that one moment he's all over me outside the pub the next thing is he's all over Mel. Oh well, I guess I did scare him off with the scar. Funny isn't it when you let one insecurity get in the way you find that it destroys a whole part of your life, that could have made you so much happier, than what you are.
I should have took a chance, thrown caution to the wind and put my whole heart into it, but that look in his eye, it genuinely scared me. His eyes held the promise of a love so great, that it frightened me to think that it was directed at me. No one has ever looked at me that way.
He's the kind of guy that's forever, no take backs, body, mind and soul are yours until you're dying day and that is scarier than walking back into that burning building once again.
He deserves better than me. I would only hurt him later on, down the line. Everything I have I manage to mess it up one way or another, so why hurt him then when I can do it now and it won't hurt as much. Only things is I didn't count on it hurting me so much.
The pain is so intense that sometimes I just wish that, I'd never looked into those warm caring eyes and that the LEA had fired me, saving me the trouble of looking into his eyes day after day knowing that, the happiness he feels isn't my doing. It burns through my soul and heart, making this burn, on my chest seem like some hot water. It burns and destroys me bit by bit, taking away all that I have worked for these past 2 years.
I think that the only way I'm gunna get away from this is if I resign. Then I would be away from the pain and be given a chance to heal and regain some of my independence, then again I can't leave Waterloo Road, it needs me and to honest I need it and the pupils, they are what make the school, such an amazing place to work. It's not very often that you come across a school that was once a hell whole, now a safe place for children to come and learn as well as adults. Waterloo Road has become a pillar of strength in the community. I've only managed to create that with Eddie at my side and now it feels like he is being taken away from me.
It's gotta be karma, you know. Everything happens to me and sometimes I feel like that, I'm being punished for everything I did before I became a teacher, but then again I know that sometimes bad things happen to good people.
I do, I love Eddie, but he's out of reach now, every time I try to grab hold of him something pulls him that bit further away from me and that bit closer to her.
I know I shouldn't be this bitchy about her she's my sister after all, but she always has to come into a situation that I'm finally finding my feet in and pull the proverbial rug out from under my feet. She may look all innocent and sweet like, but underneath it all, I swear she was sent to make me life a living hell.
Fact: I Love Eddie.
Fact: I can never have him.
Fact: She's got her claws into him now.
Fact: I'm a coward.
Fact: I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life.
Fact: I need to start drinking more, numb the pain.
Fact: She just took away the single most important thing in my life.
Fact: I wish I had never hired her.
Fact: Bugger, I just agreed to be her Maid of Honour.
Fact: I really need to get something stronger than Champagne down my neck.
I'm off to the pub, to get leathered and just maybe I might just sleep with some random guy. Whoever takes my fancy really? Oh well off to get pissed so I can be a really moody cow tomorrow and hopefully find an excuse to fire the pretentious bitch so I don't have to see her loved up face every morning. The again I'm never that lucky; I'll probably just snap at her and scream at a few pupils and not talk to Eddie.
Eddie, I really do love him, he's just so infuriating at times, and I wish I hadn't been so scared and insecure about my body. He would have accepted me for who I am and not what I look like, right. Oh well, it's back to the same old boring life alone, as it will probably stay for a very long time.