The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Fic
In my last parody:
My name is Fred.
Just Fred.
My name is Marco.
Just Marco.
No last name. No address. Nothing...Except for my purple rubber ducky named Elmer.
...we were all walking home through an abandoned construction site when big a spaceship crashed on Fred's head and killed him.
...we fight Visser Two and all his evil minions. The Yeerks, the Taxxons, and the Doctor Bajirs.
...Visser Two came in! I have you now, Andy Lite bandits!>
..."how are we going to get into the Yeerk Pool and kill Visser Two?"
"Ring the doorbell and ask to come in?"
"What are you doing?" Dr. Bajir asked.
We're morphing our battle morphs so we can trash your pool.>
We trashed the Yeerk Pool and sent the Yeerks packing. Visser Two did chop off Dr. Bajir's head, but no one liked him all that much anyway so it wasn't a big loss.
We were all congratulating our selves when who should show up but the Andy Lites. Sorry it took so long. We got lost and no one would stop to ask for directions, seeing as how we're all male.>
And now, The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Fic:
In front of a glowing computer screen, Amy sits. Reading fanfic from fanfiction.net, mesmerized by the scrolling text. A title suddenly catches her eye.
"Leggo my eye damnit!" Amy yells at the title. "I'm trying to read the little blurb about the fic 10 Easy Steps To Making A Cliched Anific!."
The nasty fic releases Amy's eye and goes off to sulk in the realm of bad ratings. Amy goes back to reading the blurb.
"Hot damn!" she exclaims excitedly. "I did always wonder where certain fanfic authors get their advice! Why, this is perfect! With this information, I'll be able to write another parody. Maybe even two!"
Amy steps away from the computer for a moment to do her happy dance and run around in circles. When she gets over her adreneline rush, she sits back down at her computer and types as fast as her taloned hands will allow.
A wide grin speads across her face as the words rapidly fill the screen...She suddenly frowns as she reads rule number 9.
"I don't care what he/she/it says," Amy says, continuing to type. "I can't stand stories in all caps. I guess I'll just have to ignore that one..."
We last left our heros when the Andy Lites (I have been informed that that name has been used so we'll just call them Anduhlites) showed up after getting lost. They stayed lost for a long time because they were all male and refused to ask for directions.
Any Anduhlites to suggest they do so were branded traitors and thrown out the window. Sence that is pretty fatal when your out in space, they stopped suggesting it after Goofy-Weirden-Doofbutt (the first Anduhlite to suggest it) was thrown out the window.
But that was besides the point, and possibly somewhere behind it. But that's another story for another time, now off to bed!
Anyways, since it made perfect since to the Animorphs, they got all the Anduhlites identical human morphs. Because of course no one would notice a couple dozen people who looked exactly the same and acted realy weird.
That's just not the kind of thing people notice!
So they all went to the mall, except for Rachel who got trapped in morph. But no one really cared how she got trapped because they were too busy watching the Anduhlites stuff pizzaburgers in their mouths.
"Oh man!" Marco laughed. "Those Anduhlites are a laugh riot! Their even more funnyer than me!!!"
Everyone quickly agreed with him because it was true. Then a girl walked over to their table and sat in Marco's lap.
"Hi!" she said to them all. "I'm Amy and I know all about you and the Yeerks and the Anduhlites and everything else. And I can morph too!"
"Wow," Cassie said, comeing out of the background to participate in the story. "I don't even care how she knows all that and has the morphing power! I just suddenly get the feeling we can trust her, even though she's a complete stranger who we know nothing about!!!"
Tobias stared at Amy in shock. "I know her!" he exclaimed. "She's my long lost sister!!"
"Tobias!" Amy exclaimed. "I didnt recognize you before because I'm not really human and it would be pretty rediculous for me to be your sister. But now that you mention it, it makes as much sense as everything else that's happened so far!!!"
"Wait-ait-ate-wayut-wait a minute!" the head anduhlite shouted angrily. "Anduhlites are the only ones with the morphing power-pow-puh-er!"
"That's not true!" Amy shouted back. "I have the morphing power! And the Animorphs have the morphing power! So there you stinky blue-butt!"
Everyone laughed and instantly liked her. And of course, since they were at the mall, no one noticed their little shouting match.
Later, they all went to Cassie's barn for no reason other than that they had gotten so used to going there.
Amy was with them, of course.
"So what do we do now?" jake said. "Sense the Yeerks are gone."
"Look for any Yeerks that might be hiding!" Rachel shouted enthusiastically, somehow not trapped in morph anymore. But no one really cares how that happened because the Anduhlites were still stuffing pizzaburgers down their throats. Ha ha! "Then kick some Yeerk butt!!!"
"Xena's logical approach to any situation," Marco said.
Everyone laughed at that. Even though it wasn't all that funny. They had just gotten into the habit of laughing when Marco talked.
A Controller suddenly burst into the barn and shot Marco before running away laughing maniacly!!!
"Marco!" Amy cried, rushing to his side. "I should have told you sooner, but...I love you!!!!!"
"Damn," Marco said, caughing up some blood. "A girl finally falls for me and it's when I'm diing."
Amy threw her arms around him and french kissed him like her life depended on it, which it didn't.
"I love you too, Amy," Marco said weakly. Then he died and Amy sobbed and cried and shrieked that it wasn't fair. And of course evryone else was real sad too.
"Even though I only knew him for an hour," Amy said, wipeing tears from her eyes sadly. "I'll love him forever. Now let's go kill all the Yeerks."
"But how?" jake asked her, suddenly out of brilliant ideas.
"I forgot to tell you all," she said. "I have superpowers and no time limit to morphing."
"That's amazing!!!" Rachel yelled. "With her on our side, we'll beat the Yeerks for sure!!!!!"
"That's it!!!" Amy cried, suddenly figuring out the answer to all their problems in a blinding flash of insight. "I've suddenly figured out the answer to all our problmes in a blinding flash of insight!!! We have to put the crystal burrito in the monkey tutu!!!"
"My God!" jake cried, understanding instantly sense it was so simple. "I don't no why we never thought of that!!!"
"Oh course not," Amy said, strikeing a dignified pose. "You don't have superpowers and no time limit to morphing like me."
They all stood around admiring her superpowers and no time limit to morphing and went ooh and aah alot Of corse it was only what she deserved for being so super and time limitless.
So they all left Marco's body to rot in the barn while they put Amy's brilliant plan into motion and they killed all the Yeerks!!!
It was a very brilliant plan.
Of course, when they were doing the plan, a bunch of the Anduhlites died and so did Cassie.
After everyone was done being sad about that (it took about five minutes, they were very sad), Jake realized that he had always loved Amy and Amy realized that it was stupid to mourn Marco forever. So they both got married, even though they were below the legal age. And then years later they all had kids who were great friends and got the morphing power genetically, even though that's not how it works. But that's another story.
Amy stares at the large jumble of words and sentences on her computer screen in disgust.
"That sucks!" she says. "Who the hell's gonna read that?!"
She reads over the 10 Steps again, realization dawning on her face.
"Of course!" Amy says, amazed at her foolishness. "The stupid readers will read it!"
She laughs and shakes her head, pitying the poor stupid saps.