Lost Without You
By: Yoshimara
Songfic- Delta Goodrem- Lost Without You
A/N: I do not own FFVII, just the scenario. I also do not own the song. Rated M for attempted suicide.
The morning crept through the window harshly, almost startling those bright blue eyes awake. Another day without him, another agonizing moment of breathing. The blond slowly crept out of bed after a few moments to recall his life, as if it would end today. It already has, a voice said softly in the back of his mind after he had slipped on some cargo pants and a black shirt. He walked into the bathroom, trying not to notice the red rings around his eyes from the tears he silently spent the night before. "Gaia," he whispered softly to himself. You need to stop this, Cloud, that voice spoke up once more, you need to stop feeling and move on. He shuddered inwardly at the thought, those piercing green eyes almost haunting him after these past months. Absently he pushed all thought out of his mind as he began his ritual of the morning by brushing his teeth, somewhat taming the blond spikes, and washing his face.
I know I can be a little stubborn sometimes
You might say, a little righteous and too proud
He began his day in a daze once more, those brilliant blue eyes dull and uninviting for the world, almost dead. Cloud's first day off in weeks, and he needed food, but when those blue eyes stared at his front door, he couldn't bring himself to touch the knob. So, he went off to his room and sat at his desk to stare at the papers all along the top of it, almost as if he couldn't remember what he had written the night before. He still worked as a delivery boy, but his spare time (which he now had more of) caused him to write random nonsense endlessly. His eyes looked to the top of the desk to see a photograph, badly faded. His strong calloused hands grabbed the frame, to stare at his mirror image with strong arms wrapped around him, sheens of silver and those green eyes that were so cold to him when he glanced at them for the first time years ago.
I just wanna find a way to compromise
Cause I believe that we can work things out
Tears brimmed in those shining eyes, his finger tracing the other man's face carefully. Oh, how many nights he spent memorizing him, as if to never forget how soft his skin was, or how his hair smelled like the ocean at night, or how those eyes had hurt when he last gazed into them. "Sephy..." the word so familiar to him whispered huskily in the air and hung like a dark cloud. Cloud, he could hear that man's genuinely cruel but kind voice hum around him, enticing him. He closed his eyes tightly, brow furrowing at the sound of that tone.
I thought I had all the answers
Never giving in
He could feel the temperature around him rise, his breathing began to labor as his mind swirled behind those tight eyelids. A familiar sound grabbed hold of him, making his whole body halt and ache at once. Opening his eyes quickly, her looked towards the door to his room to see the tall man that haunted his dreams and every waking moment before him. Those blue eyes, oh how they flashed with such fervor! His fingers lost their grip, dropping the glass frame onto the ground with a crash.
But baby since you've gone
I admit I was wrong
Cloud couldn't move, those mako green eyes staring into his, the hold on him tighter than ever before. Moments passed as his body forced him to breathe silently, he finally uttered, "What do you want?" his tone was cold, maybe harsher than he had meant it. But it had hurt, oh those words that man had said to him. The silver-haired beauty before him continued to stare at him before bowing his head, averting his eyes to the floor. Slight shock overtook the blond; Sephiroth never bowed down to anyone's will before.
All I know is I'm lost without you
I'm not gonna lie
How am I gonna be strong without you
I need you by my side
"I...I wanted to apologize." that silky voice crept to Cloud's ears, almost bringing those tears back. Cloud looked to the floor to see the shards of glass and the picture, parts of the edges were torn from age and the rough care. He closed his eyes, "It's a little late for that, don't you think?" He could feel the wince that Sephiroth had done, and mentally slapped himself for it. But now he had started, he couldn't stop, "Do you have any idea what you have done to me, Sephiroth?" Cloud faced him, his eyes holding the fieriness that was his anger, but the wounds of a scared rabbit. "You don't understand," he continued, slowly slinking to the floor to pick up the shards, "every day those words echoed through my head, and I couldn't help but wonder, was I used?"
If we ever say we'd never be together
And we end it with good-bye
I don't know what I'd do
I'm lost without you
His fingers picked up the glass slowly, listening to the other's breathing, the words tumbling from his soft lips, "I gave up on forgiveness, Sephiroth. I gave up on care. This heart in my chest is cold now, and no amount of apologizes will warm it up." he didn't notice the tears that fell down his flushed cheeks. Just having him this close hurt his entire being. "Cloud," that voice started softly, almost pleadingly, "you think this is easy for me as well? What I said was wrong, no...worse than wrong. It was down right torturous to you, and I understand that now." Heat pressed against him as he saw Sephiroth's gloved hands help with the shards, "You are not worthless, and you sure as hell are not giving up," with one free hand, Sephiroth had grabbed Cloud's chin to look him in the eyes. Those tears he held back, Gaia how they ached his heart. "that's not the Cloud I came to know and love."
I keep trying to find my way
And all I know is I'm lost without you
I keep trying to face the day
I'm lost without you
Cloud pushed his hand away before straightening up, looking away from the older man. "You think you can sweet-talk out of this one? Not this time." He brushed away from the former General and into the bathroom to dump the glistening shards into the trash before closing the door behind him. He could he be so foolish to think that he loved him? Looking into his reflection, he saw the tears that fell down his cheeks. Just one more won't hurt, that devilish voice spoke up once more, One more, you know you need it. Cloud looked towards the basin of the sink to see the straight-edged razor that he used so many times on Sephiroth's hair to rid him of the split-ends. His shaking hand picked it up as his other hand picked up one of his pant legs. The blade shined in the florescent light of the porcelain bathroom that was of simple black and white decor. He heard Sephiroth's voice in his mind once more, as if to reassure him of his actions, Why don't I just run away like you always do, Cloud? Would that make things easier for you?
How am I ever going to get rid of these blues
Baby I'm so lonely all the time
A hiss of pain escaped his lips as the sharp edge dug into the skin of his thigh, underneath the previous lines he had made over the years. He had many battle scars, but none were as bad at the battle within himself. Cloud's eyes glazed over in much needed bliss, the pain so sweet. Subconsciously, his hand worked to stop the bleeding before halting above a towel. What if he didn't stop it this time? Would he be much happier in the Lifestream? He whispered softly, "I don't care anymore," as if speaking to someone, anyone who would be willing to listen. In the distance of his mind, he could hear the phone ringing before the low murmur of Sephiroth's voice interrupted it. Slowly, Cloud leaned against the wall behind him, knocking the towels off the rack and the dirty clothes hamper to the side as his butt hit the floor.
Everywhere I go I get so confused
You're the only thing that's on my mind
You're so hard to understand, Sephy! He heard his voice call out of his mind, tears drying on his skin. Another flash of pain, erupting in a soft moan of pure bliss, his eyes staring up at the ceiling. He could feel the warmth of his blood cool on the edge of his black boxers which (surprisingly enough) held chocobos on them. A sob tore from his throat, his body beginning to go numb but the faint throb of feeling in his thigh. He could hear the faded knock on his bathroom door, and a low murmur. I did it this time, his mind whispered, I'm not afraid anymore. Let me into the shadows.
Oh my bed's so cold at night
And I miss you more each day
Only you can make it right
No, I'm not too proud to say
I love you, Cloud, those words stung his heart, making him utter another cry as they were followed by hearing his name being called in pure passionate bliss.
Sephiroth had opened the door to see his former lover on the tiled black and white checkered floor of the bathroom, blood oozing from the inch deep cuts. No... Sephiroth grabbed onto a towel and held it firmly on Cloud's leg while using a materia he had hidden underneath the sink to heal his wounds. Cloud never moved, just sat there in complete bliss. Sephiroth took the glove off of his hand, hesitantly, and traced his fingers on Cloud's face, feeling the dried tears on the tired skin.
All I know is I'm lost without you
I'm not gonna lie
How am I gonna be strong without you
I need you by my side
Sephiroth swiftly picked the man up in his arms, using his other hand to straighten his pants out before carrying him off to his bedroom. The older man sat down on the edge of the mattress, his strong arms holding the little blond closely. He chanted softly, "I'm so sorry, Cloud." Tears brimmed his eyes, his nose against Cloud's flushed cheek. He felt the warmth in the smaller body, hearing the breathing and feeling his heart beat slowly. While Cloud had walked to the bathroom, Sephiroth had looked among the desk at the papers to see the sorrow Cloud had written on those pages. One that stung was the hate and guilt that the words held on one single paper. My promise has been failed by the touch of another, my heart torn in two by those same hands that held me strong. Do you see what you've done?
If we ever say we'd never be together
And we end it with good-bye
I don't know what I'd do
I'm lost without you
"Sephy..." Cloud's voice whispered huskily into the air, those blue eyes looking up into those green orbs that were filled with nothing but guilt and sorrow. Had he been crying? "Why?" Sephiroth shook his head gently, "Shh, little one." he said softly, placing a bare finger on his lips. Cloud stared into those eyes for what seemed like ages, almost not believing himself what he had done. Images of the past months flew by, pushing all his friends away. Tifa, Cid, Barret, Marelene...tears stung his eyes once more as he reached a shaking hand to Sephiroth's cheek. The calloused fingers seemed exceptionally silky, almost too real.
I keep trying to find my way
And all I know is I'm lost without you
I keep trying to face the day
I'm lost without you
"Cloud," Sephiroth began softly, moving his finger to the blond's eyes to wipe away the tears gently, "I'm so sorry. Those things I said, I didn't mean them. If I could turn back time, I would never say anything to hurt your feelings." Cloud turned his head to the floor for a moment before looking back to those green eyes, "Sephy..."
If I could only hold you now
And make the pain just go away
Can't stop the tears from running down my face
"Please," Cloud's voice whispered softly, almost chokingly, "I need you." He curled up into the larger man, burying his face into his neck. "I can't be alone anymore, and I don't know what to do." Sephiroth held him softly before whispering into his ear, "I'm always here with you, never forget that. Never forget that I love you so much," Cloud looked up into the older man to feel himself falling. Darkness slowly befell him, surrounding him as he cried out, "Sephiroth!"
All I know is I'm lost without you
I'm not gonna lie
How am I gonna be strong without you
I need you by my side
If we ever say we'd never be together
And we end it with good-bye
I don't know what I'd do
I'm lost without you
Cloud opened his eyes to be sitting in a large bed, silken sheets pooled around his warm naked body. Tears dried on his face as he slowed his breathing. Did he cry out? He looked under the sheets to see his leg was bare and free of scars and blood. Looking to his side, those shining blue eyes seeming to go dull once more, expecting to see emptiness beside him. Instead he found the soft pale shoulder embedded underneath a layer of silver hair. Hesitantly, he reached a hand out to that bare shoulder, stopping only inches from the surface. He took a deep breath before tracing the warm skin underneath his fingertips. Shaking the sleeping man before him, he whispered, "Sephy?" "Hmm?" came a sleepy voice, "Cloud?" The older man stirred before sitting up, looking towards the younger blond, "What's the matter, little one?"
His eyes grew wide and before he could stop himself, he threw himself at the older man, wrapping his arms around his middle. "Sephy!" he said with a sigh of relief, curling his head underneath Sephiroth's chin. Arms wrapped around him lazily, "Cloud," he said softly and simply before planting a kiss upon the top of his head. "you had the dream again, didn't you?" Cloud nodded before burying himself closer, as if trying to mold himself into him. Sephiroth held him tighter before whispering soothing words of comfort, stroking his back. They laid back down, Sephiroth holding him tighter. Cloud whispered softly, "I love you," making Sephiroth smile gently, "And I love you, little one." Softly, he bathed his ear in kisses, before laying his head down to close his eyes. He heard one final whisper before sleep taking him over, "I'm lost without you."
All I know is I'm lost without you
I'm not gonna lie
How am I gonna be strong without you
I need you by my side
If we ever say we'd never be together
And we end it with good-bye
I don't know what I'd do
I'm lost without you
A/N: So sorry about it being either short or not pleasing enough, sadly I wasn't sure what I could to do make it sound right as when I had the idea I was about to fall asleep last night. . . I'm normally not for a CloudxSephiroth pairing, but I figured it couldn't hurt to give it a shot. Thank you for those who read it and bared with my first fanfic/songfic ever! Please read and review!