As far as grossomodo knows, Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and the title is from the wonderful Iron & Wine album.

Chapter One

It almost was like someone else was controlling that little black arrow on the computer screen because I sure as hell was trying not to think about what I was doing. Not to say there was any weakness in my resolve to do this.

Click. Flight. I highly doubted I would need a rental car and hotel package where I was going.

Click. One-way. Not like I knew when I'd be back. Or if I'd be back. I tried not to think about that.

Click. Date of departure. Best to do this as soon as possible.

Click. Number of passengers: One. I had to do this alone.

Click. Departing city. Seattle, Washington, USA. The bus and ferry trip to Seattle would take just under three and a half hours. I'd done my homework long ago.

Click. Destination. Pisa, Italy. The location of the international airport closest to Volterra.

Click. Search flights.

I glanced out the window as the travel company's website searched for the cheapest flight and my reflection in the window pane caught my eye. I looked away quickly. The image was sure to cause unnecessary anguish. At the age of eighteen, I was finally acting like other girls, obsessing over my skin and hair, but while my peers were worrying over pimples and frizz, I was looking for signs of wrinkles and gray hairs. Being with Edward, or around any of the vampires for that matter had always made me aware of my humanness and the inevitable deterioration of my body. However, recently I felt the world had put a magnifying glass on what used to be a simple fact of life. Little comments from my dad about Renee and her much younger husband, Phil, which used to make me roll my eyes now had me uncomfortable. Hearing Mike make jokes about the young mailman and his forty year old girlfriend made me grimace. Even Ben and Angela talking about how they saw The Graduate last week made me want to scream.

Turning my attention back to the computer screen, I quickly chose the cheapest flight. It took mere seconds to fill in all the necessary information as auto-fill and muscle memory did all the work. My cursor hovered over the "confirm" button when a cold voice demanded from behind me, "What are you doing?"

I jumped and quit the internet browser, but Edward had already seen it.

"I- uh…"

His eyes narrowed, waiting for my explanation. When no excuse came to mind, he spoke.

"I told Alice she must have seen her vision incorrectly, that you couldn't possibly be buying a plane ticket to Volterra."

Edward's tone was light but his eyes hadn't lost that accusatory look to them. I knew I should apologize and explain, but my anger had a way of manifesting at inopportune moments.

"Well, you shouldn't have done that. You know Alice doesn't control what she sees in her visions," I hedged.

"Bella, that I argued with Alice is neither here nor there. I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that you were about to buy a one-way ticket to Volterra."

"It's not like I was actually going to confirm the flight today; I look at the prices every day!" I blurted out.

Oh shit. I hadn't meant to let that slip. Edward's eyebrows had shot up. When he next spoke, he no longer was even attempting to keep his voice light.

"Everyday, you entertain the thought of marching into certain death and you didn't even think to let me in on this little plan of yours?"

I was feeling belittled, dumb, angry and not just a little ashamed.

"It's not 'certain death,' Edward; it's a chance at a life with you! An eternal future!" I retorted. How could he not see that as every day passed I was becoming an old lady while he remained achingly young and beautiful?

"You don't know what you're saying! You are so good, don't you realize you would lose so much in being turned?" he asked, exasperated.

"I would give up everything if it meant I could be yours forever, Edward," I said quietly. "Don't you want the same?"

"It's not that simple. What you're asking for is…" He tried to smile reassuringly at me. "You know I love you."

But not for eternity. The words were left unspoken but they hung clearly in the air for me. I was angrier and more hurt than I had realized I would be at his evasion of my question. Every time we broached the subject of my mortality I was left in pain. Although I knew he had no intention of making me feel this way, he had to realize that for someone like him, sixty, seventy years would be over in the blink of an eye, and then what? I would be a wrinkly, senile woman with a perpetually seventeen year-old Edward who would be doomed to live on memories of me until he found a new love? It was fair for no one. I had to be turned. I sighed. It was clear we were getting nowhere with this argument and it was just making me depressed.

"I won't be buying the ticket-," I began.

Edward relaxed visibly.

"-for now, anyway," I ended, trying to put an end to this fight.

He had opened his mouth to argue but after looking at my expression, he shut his eyes for a few moments, then answered.

"Okay. Let's not argue. I need to be getting back, anyway. I kind of rushed out on Emmett and Jasper when I saw what Alice was thinking," Edward said, sheepishly.

I unclenched my fists and tried giving him a smile- it may have been a bit tight, but for the moment it was all I could give.

"Bella, I wish I didn't have to put you in this situation, but I'm too selfish to stay away. You are the best thing to ever happen to me and all I want, all I'll ever want, is you- you, just the way you are."

He gave me a quick kiss and a brilliant smile before he left out the window. There was so much unsaid between us. I was left feeling disgruntled and mixed as I sat down on the edge of my bed, brooding. I understood his sentiments, but I didn't agree with them. It wasn't like he had put me in "this situation"; I had chosen it. I had chosen him just as much as he had chosen me. It angered me that he was still saying things about his selfishness in being with me after everything that had happened when he'd left the first time. Of course, then he would say those, wonderful, sweet words looking me dead-on in the eyes and all those angry, heart-squeezingly painful thoughts would dissipate until he was safely gone from yelling distance. It seemed lately that that was how all our arguments ended; Edward would whisper such words in my ear and when I regained my senses, he'd be gone and I'd feel like a terrible person for having gotten angry in the first place and worse, still feeling angry because we had resolved nothing. And that was where I was left yet again; something had to be done, no, I had to do something.