SPOILER WARNING: Pilot; Lazarus
RATING: PG-13.
CONTENT WARNING: Adult situations. No sex, though. Don't worry; we'll get there eventually.
CLASSIFICATION: SRa; MSR Very brief angst.
SUMMARY: It's been a rough couple of days, and Mulder and Scully finally get to enjoy a little quality time together, thanks to Maggie.
Decompression and Relativity
by Brandon D. Ray
"Mom, are you sure this is a good idea?" Scully asked as she finished wiping clean one of the plates from lunch, and handed it to her mother for drying.
"Am I sure what is a good idea?" the older woman replied, working her dishtowel in smooth, regular circles.
Scully shrugged. "You know...leaving them in the living room, alone together."
"You mean Fox and Bill?" Mrs. Scully asked, glancing at her daughter. Scully nodded. "I think it will be okay."
"I don't know," Scully replied. "I'm worried. They've both been pretty well-behaved this morning, but ...well, you know how poorly they get along most of the time." She tried to think of a way to express the unease she was feeling, but all she could come up with was to repeat, "I'm worried."
Bill had arrived at Mrs. Scully's home that morning, unexpectedly. Scully's head had already been spinning as a consequence of the emotional rollercoaster ride she and Mulder had been on since the day before Christmas; seeing her brother standing next to the sofa as she and her partner came down the stairs that morning, hand in hand, had simply added to her internal turmoil.
She had immediately braced herself for an explosion, and she'd felt Mulder tense up, too. Not now,>> she'd thought desperately. Not so soon. We've only just started on this new thing between us; can't we even have twelve hours together before something bad has to happen?>>
Much to her surprise, the explosion had not come. Bill had been polite, if a little tense and distant, and Mrs. Scully had seemed completely happy and open. Scully hadn't known quite what to make of the situation, and it was clear that Mulder was very much on edge, as well, but after awhile they'd both started to settle down, and by mid-morning things had seemed almost pleasant, at least as far as Bill was concerned.
But then, of course, her core of insecurity had found something else to worry about: Mulder. She was certain, at the top of her mind, that she was being hypersensitive; she even knew that this hypersensitivity was because of the newness and fragility of their relationship. But she couldn't help feeling that Mulder was pulling away from her, trying to put some distance between them, both physically and emotionally. He seemed to be uncomfortable holding her hand, and when she'd sat next to him on the sofa, after breakfast, he'd edged away from her slightly.
Scully suddenly wondered if this drawing away was due to Bill's presence. She toyed with that thought for a moment, and decided that it felt right. It might not be all of the reason -- certainly the fact that last night they'd suddenly and rather traumatically torn down a lot of the barriers they'd each erected must have something to do with it as well -- but she had a strong feeling that having her brother there in the room, watching them, was having an inhibiting effect on Mulder.
She'd have to talk to him about that.
Scully realized that her mother had been speaking to her. "I'm sorry, Mom," she said. "I was miles away. What did you just say?"
Mrs. Scully smiled at her indulgently. "I said that if you're finished with that plate, hand it over, and we'll be done."
Scully looked at the sink and counter, and realized with surprise that her mother was right; the plate in her hand was the last item. She handed it over, then pulled the plug in the sink drain and peeled off her gloves, before turning to watch as her mother finished drying the plate and putting it away.
"Mom," she said suddenly. "What were you and Bill talking about before Mulder and I came downstairs this morning?"
Her mother looked at her thoughtfully for a moment, then nodded slightly. "We were talking about you and Fox, of course."
For some reason Scully felt embarrassed at this statement, and she looked down at the water swirling out the drain. "Oh." Steeling herself, she looked back up at her mother. "What did you -- what did HE say about us?"
Mrs. Scully hesitated, and this time she shook her head. "That was a private conversation, Dana, and even though you and Fox were the subjects of our discussion, I don't feel comfortable telling you the details. You can ask Bill sometime, if you want to. You can tell him I don't object."
"I'm not sure I want to ask Bill," Scully muttered.
"I can understand why you might feel that way," her mother replied. "And that's a decision you'll have to make for yourself." She paused for a moment, then added, "I guess I can tell you this much. As you've probably guessed, your brother is not entirely happy with the new developments between you and Fox. However, I think he is willing to give it a chance. I think he really is going to try, Dana."
Scully nodded. She hesitated for a moment, then said, "What about you, Mom? Are you okay with this?"
Her mother raised her eyebrows. "Me? Dana, it's not a question of whether I'm happy or not; it's a question of whether YOU are happy. And you certainly seem to be. I know it's all very new and fresh, and you're both still feeling your way, but I really think things are going to work out for you. You're both good people, and you obviously care about each other very much."
Scully looked at her mother for a moment, then said, in a low voice, "You didn't answer my question, Mom."
Her mother looked back at her curiously. "Are you asking for my approval, Dana?"
"Maybe a little. Mostly, I just want to know....I don't know." Scully felt all tangled up inside; and for a moment she couldn't find the words. Then she blurted out, "I just want to know that there's somebody out there pulling for us. I want to know that we're not completely alone."
Mrs. Scully reached out and drew her daughter into a hug. "You're not alone dear; you'll never be alone. And I'm sorry; I hadn't realized how important my opinion was to you." Scully felt warmth spreading through her as her mother gently caressed her hair. "Yes, Dana, I'm very happy for you. I've wanted this for you for a long time. I've always known that there was a special person waiting for you somewhere, and I'm overjoyed that you finally seem to have found him. And to have it turn out to be someone as wonderful and kind and caring as Fox Mulder, well, that's just icing on the cake."
Scully hadn't even realized that she was tense, but now she felt her muscles relaxing as she stood in her mother's embrace, and she closed her eyes for a moment and rested her head on the other woman's shoulder. "You're such a good mom," she murmured.
"I've had lots of experience."
The two women stood together for a moment, not moving. Finally, Dana raised her head and took a step back. "I suppose we should go out and see how the guys are doing," she said.
"Yes, I suppose we should." Mrs. Scully smiled at her, and went on, "I was thinking maybe Bill and I could go out for awhile this afternoon, and give you and Fox some time alone together."
Scully felt herself blushing slightly. "Mom...that's really not necessary. Mulder and I...well, we..."
"Hush, dear," her mother replied. "You don't have to explain anything, and I'm not jumping to any conclusions or trying to push you into anything. All I meant is that a new relationship takes a lot of work, and much of that work has to be done in private. I'm sure you and Fox have things you want to talk about. And if not, then maybe you can just cuddle on the sofa and watch a ballgame. Or whatever. You both need some time to relax a bit, and get away from all the tension of the last few days." Scully started to object again, but Mrs. Scully put her hand over her daughter's mouth. "Please, Dana. Let me do this for you. Think of it as a Christmas gift."
Scully looked at her mother for a moment, then smiled slightly and nodded. "Okay, Mom. I guess it does sound nice. Thank you."
"What's a mother for?" Mrs. Scully said. She leaned forward and kissed her daughter on the cheek. "Now you just wait out here for a moment, and I'll go pry Bill loose from the television. Okay?"
# # #
A few minutes later, Scully stepped into the living room. Mulder was lying stretched out on the sofa in his customary sprawl, half on and half off, watching a football game. Scully paused for a moment in the doorway and just looked at him. God, he was beautiful. And how wonderful it was to be able to think that, without having to feel wistful or guilty or depressed. She could even say it out loud, now, if she wanted to. She felt incredibly liberated.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked.
She suddenly realized that while she'd been standing there, looking at him, his eyes had left the ballgame and were now focused on her. She blushed slightly, and tried to think of a quip to put him off with, but then she remembered afresh: She didn't have to put him off. She was allowed to say things like this now.
"I was just thinking about how beautiful you are."
He raised his eyebrows, and glanced down at himself, then back up at her. "Me? Beautiful?"
"You. Beautiful." She walked over and stood in front of the sofa, gazing down at him. She let her eyes rake over his form in frank admiration, something she had never allowed herself to do before, not even last night. "The most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
"I thought that was supposed to be my line." He smiled slightly, and looked a little embarrassed.
"Oh, I'm not trying to steal your thunder," she said, as he sat up and moved his feet out of the way so that she could sit down next to him. "It's just..." She shook her head, and smiled back at him. "It's just that I don't have to leave my thoughts about you locked away in the vault anymore."
He moved a little closer and took one of her hands in his. "That's a good thing, isn't it?"
She nodded. "It's a very good thing. It's lonely in the vault."
"I'm sorry, Scully," he said. "I never wanted you to be lonely."
"It's not your fault. It's not anybody's fault. It's just one of those things that happened, and now it's over."
"I'm so glad," he said.
"Me too." She looked at him speculatively for a moment. Then: "So. Did you and Bill get along okay while Mom and I were in the kitchen?"
He shrugged. "We got along. We talked a bit. We watched the ballgame." He smiled slightly. "It was really weird. It was almost like I was a human being or something."
"What did you talk about?"
"Basketball, mostly. It turns out he's a Knicks fan."
She nodded. "I guess I knew that."
His smiled broadened. "Hell, Scully, you should have told me that years ago. It would've made all the difference. Not much can stand between a couple of guys, if they're both Knicks fans."
She laughed. "Sort of like a lodge brotherhood?"
"Pretty much." Mischief gleamed in his eyes. "But girls aren't supposed to know about it." He looked at her a moment longer, then broke eye contact and glanced around the room. "Say, Agent Scully?"
"Yes, Agent Mulder?"
"Have you noticed that other than ourselves this house appears to be empty?"
"Now that you mention it -- yes, I have."
"Funny, isn't it," he went on, "the way your mother and Bill cleared out of here in such a hurry? You'd almost think there was a conspiracy afoot."
"For once, I think you may be right," she replied with a little laugh. "In fact, I know you're right. Mom told me as much before she came out here to collect Bill. She said she thought we needed some time alone."
She moved closer to him on the sofa, and Mulder raised his eyebrows, his lips quirking in amusement. "Scully, are you saying that your mother told you she was getting herself and Bill out of the house so that we could make out in her living room?"
"Well, I don't recall that she used those precise words, but that was the general idea. I think she wanted us to have a chance to decompress a bit." Scully reached up and lightly touched his cheek. "She said to consider it a Christmas present."
"Well thank you, Santa," he said, and bent over and kissed her.
After a timeless interval, they pulled apart again. For a long moment she looked up at him in silence, studying his face. Then, very softly: "Mulder? Can I ask you something?"
"I think..." He stopped and cleared his throat. "I think that anything you might want to ask of me in that tone of voice would have to be answered in the affirmative."
She chuckled, and nuzzled her face against his neck for a moment. God, he felt so good. But this was going to have to wait just a few minutes longer. With a sigh, she pulled back a little and looked back up at him again. "Why have you been so distant today?"
He raised his eyebrows. "Have I been distant?" She nodded silently. "I'm sorry, Scully; I hadn't noticed." He stopped and seemed to think about it for a minute. "I guess maybe I have been. As to why..." He seemed to be struggling to find the right words. Finally: "I guess I'm just not used to this yet. I'm not used to the idea that I can just touch you anytime I want to." He shrugged. "Old habits die hard."
"I guess I can understand that," she said.
He thought some more, then added, "Also, I have to admit that I'm a little intimidated at the thought of fondling you in front of your mother and your brother."
She laughed. "I'm not asking you to do anything that would embarrass anyone," she replied. "I'm just asking for...small things. I want you to hold my hand. I want you to...to....I don't know. Put your arm around me when I sit down next to you. Give me a kiss on the cheek just because you feel like it." She felt a little embarrassed to be saying these things. But this is Mulder,>> she reminded herself again. It's okay to say these things to him. He'll understand.>>
"I'm sorry, Scully," he said, moving closer to her and putting his arm around her shoulders, and nuzzling his face into her hair. "Is this better?"
She leaned into him. "Much." They sat in silence for a moment. Then she went on. "You know, it's okay to do this sort of thing when other people are around, too."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry," she said softly. "This is a big step for both of us. We've got a lot of learning to do, a lot of work."
"If it's all like this, I'll be there with bells on," he said, brushing his lips against her ear.
Scully shivered. "Me too."
"So," he murmured. "Want to go upstairs and cuddle?"
"No," she said, lying back on the sofa and pulling him down on top of her. "I want to stay down here and cuddle."
He raised his eyebrows. "But what about Bill and your mother?"
"They're not here right now," she pointed out. "And if I know Mom, she'll find some excuse to phone us before they do come back." She shrugged. "And if they walk in on us cuddling together, so what?" Again she studied his face for a moment. "Mulder, this is terribly important to me. I don't want to hide what we have. I don't want to feel as if we need to be ashamed of it."
"Oh, Scully," he said softly. "Beautiful, beautiful Scully. Don't you know? You could never do anything you had to be ashamed of. You couldn't do anything shameful if your life depended on it." And he leaned down and kissed her again.
The kiss went on for quite awhile.
Finally, their lips moved apart again. Scully lay absolutely still, drinking it all in, just feeling his weight pressing her down into the sofa cushions. It felt so good, so perfect. Nothing had ever felt this way before. No man had ever treated her so sweetly, so tenderly -- not even Jack, and he had really loved her, even if she had not been able to love him back.
Maybe that was the difference.
"Hey, Scully." She was pulled out of her reverie by the sound of his voice, barely above a whisper, his warm breath caressing her ear as he spoke.
"Hey, Mulder," she replied.
"I'm not too heavy for you, am I? I'm not hurting you?"
"Oh, no," she said. "It feels good. So good." She shifted her position slightly, trying to bring more of her body into contact with his. She felt something hard pressing against her thigh, and couldn't help but chuckle a little as she realized what it was.
"What are you laughing about?" he asked, unease evident in his voice.
He's embarrassed by it,>> she thought in amazement. Mulder, you don't have to be embarrassed. It's okay.>> Aloud, she whispered, "I was just wondering...are you packing your gun in an unusual location, or are you just glad to see me?"
She knew it was a mistake almost as soon as the words were past her lips, but there was of course no way to call them back. He froze for a moment, then started to push himself up off of her. Instinctively, she wrapped her arms more tightly around him, and tried to pull him back down.
"Scully....I..." He couldn't seem to get any words out.
"Mulder, it's okay," she whispered. "It's okay. I wasn't laughing at you, and I'm certainly not offended. I'd be disappointed if you DIDN'T have that reaction to me. Please come back to me?" They were both very still for a moment, then his body relaxed, and he settled back down on top of her again.
"I'm sorry, Scully," he said, staring down into her eyes.
"There's nothing for you to be sorry about," she replied. "It's perfectly natural. And, as I already told you, I like it. I like very much that I can make you feel that way."
"You've always made me feel that way," he replied.
She cocked an eyebrow at him. "Always?"
"Well, not always," he admitted. "Not in the very beginning. But for a long, long time." He hesitated, then went on, "Can we please not talk about it right now? It's kind of..." His voice trailed off.
Scully nodded, and stretched her neck to plant a soft, chaste kiss on his mouth. "Of course we don't have to talk about it. I'm sorry I said anything. The last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable." She pulled his face down to hers and kissed him again.
Their lips separated again, and Scully nuzzled her cheek against her partner's. "That was nice," she said. "It's all nice. Every bit of it." She nuzzled him some more, trying to explore every inch of his face with her own. Finally, she drew back, and looked into his eyes. "Mulder, have you ever studied relativity?"
He looked down at her and blinked, confusion written on his features. "A little, I guess." A smile crept across his lips. "I remember one paper in particular. It was written by this tight-assed pathologist the Bureau wanted to foist off on me to discredit my work."
She arched an eyebrow at him. "Anyone I know?"
"I don't think so," he replied. "Or maybe she just turned out to be someone other than who I thought she was."
She nodded. "I think that must be it, and that just helps illustrate my point." She paused for a moment, then continued, "You see, relativity teaches us that perception varies according to the frame of reference. That's basic Einstein. Depending on your point of view, an object may vary in mass, in velocity, in physical size...even in position. And the important thing about this is that there is no 'correct' frame of reference. Every frame is just as valid as any other."
"I guess I knew that," he said. "It's a hard concept to get your mind around, though."
"Yes, it is." She lay quietly in his arms for a moment. Then: "But there's more to it even than that. Other thinkers came along who built on Einstein's work. Heisenberg, for example, proved -- as well as anything CAN be proved in modern physics -- that we can never know anything with certainty. To take the simplest example, we can know a particle's position, or we can know its velocity. But we can't ever know both at the same time."
"Sounds like a smart man," Mulder commented.
"He was. But the implications of his work are disturbing to some people. If you can never know anything with certainty, then what does that say about free will? What does it say about humanity's role in the universe?"
"Does that disturb YOU?"
She nodded slowly. "Yes. Yes it does. In fact, it terrifies me. I think that's the biggest reason why I'm so resistant to...extreme possibilities." She looked up at him, peering deeply into his eyes again. "Do you see?" she asked. "If I can just quantify everything, and get it all down on paper, then I can have control over things."
He hesitated for just an instant, then said, very softly, "That kind of control is an illusion, Scully."
She closed her eyes and sighed, then looked back up at him again. "I know," she said quietly. "I really do know. That's one of the things I've learned from you, but I haven't learned it very well. I still have a great deal of difficulty letting go, and allowing that illusion of control to slip away from me. The very idea makes me want to run and hide." She paused for a moment, then went on, "And I think you are pretty much the opposite. You've given up too much control. You're too inclined just to let yourself drift with the current. And it scares you; I know it does. Sometimes you seem so lost and scared, it makes me want to cry."
They were silent for a long moment, and Scully was starting to worry that perhaps she'd said too much too soon. She was sure she was right, but maybe he wasn't ready to hear it yet. Finally, he said, "There's a lot of truth in what you say, Scully. I hadn't ever really thought about it that way, but there's a lot of truth in it. And you're right, it does scare me sometimes; it scares me a lot." He leaned down and kissed her briefly. "But I think that's why we work so well together. Each of us complements the other's weaknesses. Neither one of us is a truly complete person, by ourselves. But when we're together, we make each other whole."
Scully felt tears forming in her eyes. "Mulder...do you really think so?"
"I really think so. Relativity doesn't really apply to people. If you can get close enough to another person, you can start to get inside her frame of reference, and add it to your own, and then everything starts to make MORE sense, rather than less." And he kissed her again, and again they were quiet for awhile.
This time she was the one who broke the silence. "You know, I have no idea where that all came from."
"Where what all came from?"
"You know. Einstein. Heisenberg. Relativity. Even I have to admit that it's pretty weird to be talking about stuff like that when we're curled up in each other's arms."
He smiled down at her. "It came from inside you, Scully. It was something you wanted to say. That made it important." He hesitated again, then added, "It was pillow talk."
She considered that for a moment. None of her previous lovers had been much for conversation, either in bed or out, and she'd never really considered the matter. When other women mentioned things their husbands or boyfriends had said when they were lying in bed together, Scully had dismissed it as unimportant. The very phrase "pillow talk" seemed to ooze triviality. But this hadn't been unimportant, and it certainly wasn't trivial. It had been very...intimate.
She smiled up at her partner. "That was pillow talk?"
He nodded solemnly, but with a slight twinkle in his eye. "I think so. Did you like it?"
"I liked it very much. It made me feel closer to you." She suddenly felt very shy. "Can we do it again sometime?"
"Absolutely. Every day for the rest of our lives." And he leaned down and kissed her again, and this time the silence was not interrupted.
Fini