Author's Note: I am in the process of writing the next chapter of my First Impressions story, but this was just something that wouldn't leave me alone. Besides, it was fun to write about someone other than Nathan and Audrey for once even though I love them. Anyways, I hope you enjoy. As always, I look forward to any suggestions, comments, questions, or constructive critisism.

Childhood Illusions Shattered

A Haven fanfiction

By: Amanda Croft

Spoilers: 1x11 "The Trail of Audrey Parker"

Disclaimer: As much as I would like to, I don't own Haven or the characters.

Summary: Looking around Julia couldn't help but realize that she hadn't really learned much of anything about his life since she had left town. The more he skirted around the issue the more her illusion of Duke Crocker shattered.

Julia Carr hadn't thought much about him in years – out of sight, out of mind right? After all, there really wasn't much call for thinking about her childhood crush while she was worried about healing people in the middle of Darfur.

When she first returned to Haven, Julia still didn't let herself think too much about Duke Crocker. She didn't plan to hang around very long. Besides, she didn't want to be just another notch on his bed post; didn't even know if she wanted a relationship with her old crush. The feelings she had had for him back then, in high school (and even middle school if she was being completely honest), had absolutely no bearing on the way she saw him now. Julia could flirt a little and have fun over the weekend birthday party thing, continue it in town, then move on to the next place desperately in need of dedicated, quality doctors.

Then her mother was killed, and Julia was reminded she was smack dab in the middle of the Troubles and any thoughts of romantic ties were shoved to the very back of her mind in favor of dealing with grief and guilt and funeral arrangements. And, as much as she really hated Haven for the Troubles, as much as she had run practically screaming as soon as she graduated, she found herself stepping up and taking on her mother's duties. If she thought about it, even the war torn countries of Africa and other third world countries around the world didn't need her talents as much as Haven, Maine did. Any doctor could go to those other places and heal the sick, and deal with poor equipment and medical supplies. The job she now found herself doing wasn't something that just any doctor could do. Haven couldn't really risk some average doctor who was unfamiliar with the Troubles strolling in and having to do autopsies on people who had been stuffed or rapidly aged or boiled to death in a community pool. It took a special kind of doctor, a special kind of person, to take everything Haven had to offer and turn it into something acceptable.

Still, she would see him around town, and they would talk and flirt and were becoming friends like they never had been in school. He was charming and funny and had a bit of a bad boy vibe and she found herself falling for him all over again. Thinking about it, she would grudgingly admit to herself that old ideals died hard and in her mind he hadn't changed much in the last 10 years. She could ignore it all she wanted, but she was starting to feel like a teenage girl all over again. Sitting around the table drinking with him, Audrey, and Nathan she found herself lost in old idealized thoughts of Duke.

Time wore on and her friendship with both Duke and Audrey strengthened and Julia started to think that maybe being trapped in this weird little Petri dish wasn't going to be such a bad thing. After all, she had a good girlfriend, even if Audrey was a little weird and socially inept, and a potential romantic interest. They even started to have weekly poker nights, just a way for all three of them to relax and let off some steam. She was grateful for them because it allowed her time to spend with Duke without looking like some pathetic lovesick puppy. Life was going great … until she found herself locked in the hold of Duke's boat by two kidnappers.

Looking around at the boxes and guns in the hold as well as the secret escape hatch that Duke was opening, Julia couldn't help but realize that as much as they had been spending time together lately, she hadn't really learned much of anything about his life since she had left town. When he was evasive about what it was he did for a living, she couldn't help but be hurt. It was silly, because really he hadn't done anything to her, but the more he skirted around the issue the more her illusion of Duke Crocker shattered. So she got snippy and sarcastic towards him and started calling him names, juvenile she knew but the illusions falling around her feet were from her childhood so somehow it seemed to fit. The longer they were trapped in that room, the more foolish she felt for falling for an idealized version of a man she hadn't known in ten years, and hadn't even known well back then. In high school, she had seen this cool boy who was above all the normal teenage crap. He had big dreams and plans to do great things with his life. Now he was a criminal, a petty crook, with a sinking boat and not much else to his name. His dreams that she had admired so much seemed all but dead.

When the two poker players turned kidnappers returned and started beating Duke it hurt her not only as a doctor, but as a girl who still wasn't completely over her crush. Duke impressed her though. He refused to say anything to them, refused to tell them where the box they were looking for was. In a way it was honorable – twisted and misguided – but honorable. When he threatened the two men with guns if they harmed her, she started piecing that illusion back together. It would never be the same, she would have to adjust the image to accommodate the rough edges, but she started to create a more accurate, if still rose colored image. It would take a while for her o be able to reconcile herself to what he truly was, if she ever would. For now, she could continue to be his friend, slight disappointment aside, and cover for him with the FBI agent who had come to speak to Audrey. She could put aside her broken heart to nurse in private and publicly continue to help him and the others in their fight against the Troubles plaguing Haven. Her childhood illusions had been shattered, but maybe that would turn out to be a good thing. Maybe, she never really had a chance while she clung to them. Maybe the truth really would be better. Or at least that's what she would continue to tell herself, for now.