I have begun to doubt my fate, to doubt what possibilities may exist anymore. If the darkness that surrounds my world could lift its shroud and allow some one beam to penetrate into my existence. In my bleak world, where death crawls through my veins, there used to be little hope to anchor my pilgrim soul. A dead marriage, disillusionment of my ideals, the haunting of a violent war, the acidic cloud of nicotine, who's pungent odor never seemed to air out.
Then she came.
She came to me to ease the ulcer of a brilliant profiler, to silence his cries. How were they to know that she, a brilliant free mind, would never do their bidding. No, she gave his faith fact and science. He flourished with the coupling. His quest for truth was vindicated by this angel of knowledge. And as time passed their whispers became talk until their shouting became so loud, they had to be silenced. Until then I thought I could straddle my fence indefinitely, displace myself from the fight. What a fool I was, I was already tainted with their dark dealings.
And so I entered the battle.
Doing all I could quietly, silently, to give them an edge against a superior force. I was a disciple to their truth. But when they tried to sacrifice her on their alter of deceit, I became her savior. For her icy blue eyes, I laid down my career. For her mind I sacrificed my life, and to save her fiery soul, I gave up my own.
And she never even knew.
Time passed on for the dynamic duo, they resumed their duties. But their foes had stolen from them what they loved most, the X-Files. They still fought the powers, championed injustice, from the restricted distance. And where was I? Still left when the remains of their lost cause. No development, no progress, no justice with that sniveling weasel they placed on the case. Rats, both of them. I was left to baby-sit a permanently dead operation. So much for the good fight. But they could not let it die, and so neither could I. Discreetly letting information pass them. Knowing that his curious nature would not allow him to let it go. I barraged him for this fact, publicly. I had to, I was watched as closely as they were. Privately I watched them, making sure that the deeds I had done, the price I paid for either of them would not be in vain.
And they never even knew.
But what was my place in their partnership. I envy their closeness, their unity. I wish to be let in within their circle. Don't they realize that I'm part of them too? She must know, she has to, why else would she run to me to save him. Knowing full well that I would do anything to save either of them. Oh how I would love to take both of them and shield them forever from the pain they have endured. To let her drop her tough exterior, to feel the depth of my immense tenderness for her. To let him know how it feels to have a father who loves him, like neither of us ever had. I would tell them so much. That I know how it feels to fight and enemy you can defeat, and sometimes never even see. I could be strong for all three of us. But that cannot be, not yet. Not until it's safe, for them, for the future. Until then I must be content simply watching. Being the silent salience that keeps them safe and watches, simple watching, and supporting.
But they must never know.