Superheroes
When you've been fighting for it all your life
You've been struggling to make things right
That's how a superhero learns to fly
She's got a lions in her heart, a fire in his soul
He's got a beast in his belly, but it's so hard to control
Cause they've taken too much hits, take it blow by blow
Now light a match, stand back, watch them explode
~The Script~
The second the lock flipped they threw down their toys, sprinting for the front door. And when it opened, Leonardo and Michelangelo slipped in with smiles on their faces. The disappointment in my children's eyes was undeniable, but they covered it well. Andrea threw her thin arms around Mikey's neck and he scooped her up, spinning her around.
"God, I'll never get tired of coming home to this." His eyes closed as he squeezed her.
"Unca Mikey, that hurts," she squeaked.
Mike's eyes flew open, his mouth parting in a horrified "O".
"Sorry Drea'!" He loosened his grip then held her out to get a better look at her, "Did I hurt ya bad?"
Her blue eyes flashed, and her thin pink lips curled, revealing her tiny teeth, "Grrrr, no way, I'm a big girl!"
He laughed, "You sure are! Wanna play?"
Andrea's faint eyebrows raised, her long cinnamon colored eyelashes batting at him, "Yeah!'
Mikey shifted my daughter to his side before reaching out an arm, pulling me in for a hug. "He's fine, Leo will explain," he whispered, then pecked my cheek and bounced off like a big kid, a twenty eight year old big kid, with my two year old in tow.
My attention shifted to a pouting Antonello, with a patient Leonardo trying to sooth his nephew's obvious disappointment.
Anton's arms were wrapped across his plastron, imitating his uncle's usual posture. Only Leo was kneeling down, eye to eye with my scowling son.
"Where's Daddy?"
"He'll be here shortly Anton. He wants to be here with you right now, trust me, there's no place else he'd rather be." Leo reached out to touch Anton's beautiful emerald shoulder, but my son was like his father and would not be pacified.
He swiped his uncle's hand off and snarled, his familiar green eyes flashing, "Then why isn't he here?"
Leo blinked, but maintained his cool composure, for he understood this child and had a lifetime of experience with how to handle the storm brewing within him. "It's okay to be upset Anton. I understand. He's not far behind me. What do you say we practice a little before he gets here? Then you can show him what you've learned."
"Well I ain't medicatin," His eyes narrowed, his posture still defiant but clearly interested.
Leo laughed, "No, we won't meditate. Let's work on that kata some more, you've almost got it."
Anton's anger faded, "In the dojo?"
Leo's blue eyes flickered to me then back to Anton, "No, let's practice in the play room. Uncle Donnie's working on something in the dojo right now."
Right then I knew.
"Well if you guys are going to be busy, I'll just take Uncle Donnie a snack." I bent over, planting a kiss on Anton's cheek.
His face scrunched up, "Mom."
"Don't act so grown Antonello, you're only four." I sighed, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear and murmured, "Even if you act like your ten."
Leo and I exchanged knowing looks and I made my way to the kitchen and out the back door. As I stepped out into the darkness of an early spring night, my heart ached. Everything was new again, trees were pushing bud, and daffodils were blooming. To a typical family this was a refreshing time of year. For us, it was a moody season, especially for my intense and broody mate.
It didn't help that I wasn't able to go on this particular bi-weekly trip to the city. We'd taken to making regular visits, staying at the Lair, and thwarting some crime while there. It was an effort to keep our enemies at bay. If they ever found our home in the country, we'd be in a terrible predicament. So we tried to keep the fight there. But the past few visits, Anton had thrown a fit when it was time for us to go. He wanted Raphael to stay, but he settled for me. This trip was held over an extra day, with no explanation, but I had my suspicions.
As I caught sight of Donatello pacing outside the barn/dojo entrance, I knew what was going on.
"How bad?" I asked, peering into my purple clad brothers amber colored eyes.
His lip trembled, "Well, listen." He leaned the side of his head against the door, but he didn't need to.
I could hear the pummeling of punching bags, paired with some really nasty language.
Biting my lip, I shot Donnie a sideways glance, "Okay, do you want to tell me what happened or should I just get it out of him?"
"It'd be great if you go first. He's not hurt that bad, but there's no getting near him right now."
I nodded, "You know Donnie, if it's not that bad, I'll just take care of it. If we need you, I'll come get you. Okay?"
He seemed to deflate with relief.
"Thanks Zoe."
He lingered and fidgeted, his hands opening and closing at his sides.
"Donnie?"
"Yyyeah Zoe?" Donatello's eyes were compassionate, grateful, and darting all over my face. I found myself pulling him into a hug, which he eagerly returned.
"I know I tell you this all the time-" I began.
He laughed his nerdy, heartwarming laugh, "I never get tired of hearing it."
"You are a wonderful brother."
Donnie's lean muscled arms squeezed me, then he nervously let go and made his way toward the backdoor of the house, looking over his shoulder twice to see if I was sure.
I turned my attention back to the crashing and pounding mixture coming from inside the dojo. Resting my hand against the door I took a deep breath and wrapped my fingers around the handle.
As I stepped inside, I had to duck as a barbell flew over my head. Raph's face went from furious to fearful as the weights smashed into the door behind me, sending chunks of wood splintering the air. He closed the space between us in seconds, snatching me up and looking me over.
"Are you hurt?"
Above his right eye was a gash that bled through his mask. It was swollen and bruised, like his cheek. Oh, Raph. His beautiful green eyes darted over me, then narrowed as he lowered me to my feet and looked away.
"Want to talk about it?" It was a stupid question. Of course he didn't.
And now I have his battered shell in my face.
His shoulders were slumped, I could tell by the way his shell loomed up over his neck. His hands were balled into bloody fists and he trembled with what I sensed was both rage, and regret.
"Raph."
He shook his head.
I licked my lips and glanced around the dojo. He'd ransacked the place. Three of our four bags were leaking out a steady stream of sawdust. One was pierced with his sai. Countless times we'd already replaced them, and it was always him that busted them. Weights had been flung across the space and had crashed into dummies. A couple had smashed into my target practice bales. No harm done there. But now the dojo door had a broken panel with night air seeping in.
"Raph."
Knowing better than to do a whole lot beyond dance around him right now, I remained very still. Long moments passed and his trembling diminished but he still wouldn't face me. It was fine, I could wait, and he knew I would.
Finally he made a grumbling, growling sound.
That's progress. I sat on the floor mat behind him. Come on Big Guy, work it out. I'm right here.
"How am I going to explain this to our son?"
I sighed. Not the sound he wanted to hear, but trying to weave our violent lives among the innocence of a very special child was a daunting task. We didn't want Anton scarred. Andrea still accepted "Daddy has a boo boo," and left it at that. Antonello, already struggled with his differences. His sister was pink and human-ish and he was green and shelled. Pairing that with the wounds Raph would try to hide, and on occasion myself or his uncles, and we had a confused little boy, with a heart every bit as vast and precious as his fathers.
"Raph, tell him you had an accident, and that your fine."
He whirled on me snarling, "I'm tired of lying to him Zoe." His frustration built and he began pacing around me.
"That's not a lie."
He snorted, "Well the thing that hit me didn't do it on accident."
I shot him a suspicious look, "What thing?"
Another growl was his only reply.
"Raph, let me clean it up."
This time I was greeted with a hiss, followed by a string of curses, not at me, but at whatever he was really struggling with. He reeled on the bag, retrieving his sai only to stab it again and again. His rage grew, like a tidal wave at its peak, fists laid into the bag, blood splattering the canvas.
His pain, because that's what this really was, hurt me. I'd do anything to soothe him of it and usually I could. Maybe even now, if he'd just let it out.
"Raphael, I know you can hear me. Now stop." My voice was calm, quiet and effective.
He leaned on the bag, half hanging on it and his shoulders shook.
Shit.
I was on my feet and to his side, wrapping my pink fingers around his thick green digits. He allowed me to pull him away from the bag, but he kept his face turned away. I could see his eyes were clamped shut. I lead him to the straw bales so I could stand on one and reach him better. As I looked over the flat nose, wide mouth, and the split eye ridge crusted with blood, I felt the ache in my heart rise up to my throat then slip by and slam into the backs of my eyes. Fuck. I stroked his bruised cheek, "Talk to me."
His breath hitched and one traitorous tear escaped him. Placing my hands on the back of his head I pulled him to me and kissed it away. "Come on Big Guy, you can tell me anything."
"It's always going to be something Zoe." His eyes opened and watery green rivers peered into my soul.
While my heart reached for him, and I suffered with him, I felt the familiar edge of steel, that barrier we kept up for others but down only with each other, ready to go up. But not on him, no, it was always there, ready, in case I needed it to protect one or both of us. "That's who we are Raphael."
His jaw flexed and his eyes narrowed, "I'm sick of it."
I laughed and he shot me an incredulous look.
"Oh, I'm not laughing at you, it's just," I bit my lip, "You'll never quit the fight Raphael. For the same reason you are always first in and worst hurt."
"What's that?" He frowned.
My fingers cradled his cheek then I reached around and untied his mask, slipping it off and placing it in his hand. "You should ask Anton who you are, if you don't already know Raphael." I struggled with the lump in my throat and the tears stinging my eyes. "Now, promise me you'll ask him."
"I'm his Dad, Zoe. That's what he's going to say." He shook his head.
"Well, humor me." I smiled at him, quickly swiping away a frustrating stray tear of my own, "Now, let's get you cleaned up."
His massive hand cupped my cheek, his thumb wiping away the watery drop I thought I'd hid. As his mouth pressed against mine I held onto him. We lived our lives day by day, one battle at a time. Every warrior got tired and Raphael was no exception.
As he released me his true thoughts finally worked their way out. "I don't want this life for him."
Fire teemed within me. Whenever you are tired Love, I will fight for you.
"That is why we fight Raphael. We accept who we are, and we know that we have to sometimes. It's gotten better. Now that's enough of this. Let's clean you up and go see that little boy who's expecting you."
He grinned a little, as I shared my energy with him, "And Andrea. Don't forget the girl Z."
I rolled my eyes, "and Andrea. Like I could ever forget the girl who has you wrapped around her finger."
He pulled me to him, pressing his lips against my ear, "I thought that was you."
My heart slammed against my breast as I reluctantly pushed him back, "Sit." I pointed to the hay bale, fetched the first aid kit and went to work on his eye.
Ten minutes later we slipped in the backdoor hovering near the play room, watching Anton and Andrea playing with Mike and Leo on the floor, with Avengers figures. As Raph stepped into the doorway they abandoned their toys and wrapped themselves around his thick green calves. He laughed and scooped them up.
Andrea's fingers prodded Raph's wound but he didn't flinch. "Daddy got a boo-boo. You need a Band-Aid."
"It's nothin'." He shrugged.
Anton studied his dad's wound intently, but his relief surpassed his worries and a crooked grin soon spread across his face, "You want to play with us Daddy?"
"Sure, what're we playin?" He lowered them down and both Mike and Leo scooted over to make room for their brother.
"Good Guys and Bad Guys!" Anton answered, picking up Captain America and his best friend Bucky.
"Is Bucky really a bad guy?" I asked from the door.
Raph's eyes narrowed.
Mikey smiled and Leo flashed me a knowing smirk.
Anton gazed at the dark little figure thoughtfully, "Not really, it's complicated."
I bit my lip. Such big words and deep thoughts for a little guy.
Raph's lips curved up and my heart melted.
"Antonello," I called my son by his full name, and he looked up at me with wide, innocent green eyes.
"Yes, Mommy?"
"Who's your favorite superhero?"
Anton laughed, threw Bucky on the floor and flung himself on his father, "Daddy!"
Raphael looked at me, as if finally understanding.
"Yeah, he's mine too."